no regrets

It's almost the new year, and I want to focus on good habits. The first one being forward-looking.

There are many things out of my control, such as when I will move on from this job. So, rather than focus on the status quo, I want to stay positive and change what I can.

The first is to network more. I just read about the Residential Builders Association in San Francisco in the newspaper and how they were the entity opposing some of the increased fees for residential developers.

Task list: find out as much as I can and possibly join the organization. First step: their website is under construction. Second step: found phone number and address. Third step: to contact the organization directly.

See, as soon as I move, there is no time to dwell on the status quo but to move forward.

I don't want to waste my most precious resource, my mental energy, on worrying or negative thoughts. My mental energy is to gather and to direct the other resources at my disposal: time, money, people and information.

So, in this last work day of 2006, I can look back with satisfaction that much has been done. Now I eager look forward and cannot wait for this next chapter of my life to begin.

that little thrill

So my adventure on match is in full swing (no pun intended!). If any of it works out, then I am going to have to edit out all these posts, so read it while you can! hahaha.

Actually, these are just meant to be hypothesis about how this online dating is suppose to work.

I like online dating b/c the beginning is quite superficial and is all fate. I like the way someone looks or write, boom, I wink back. The initial rejections or non-responses are all taken in good humor, nothing personal.

First things first. The profile. Having edited others' and getting comments on mine, the profile needs to be short and positive. Nothing too long b/c it will just seem long-winded. Personally, I appreciate the profiles that reveal nothing specific yet gives a good picture of what the person is like.

Then, after making the initial contact, it's the e-mailing. You are just trying to get to the point where you'll meet. I am not a big fan of e-mailing, since it's all useless until you meet. Chemistry is the one thing that the web has not replaced. So many people write for eons only to be disappointed by the first date. Get thee to the first date.

I might be meeting someone this week already. Fun!

am I boring you

Today, a friend suggested that I write about some of my useful tips about SF. Why? Is all this musing not useful to you?

For instance, when in SOMA, take Howard and Folsom rather than Mission, Harrison or Bryant because the lights are rigged to be green on those two streets. Every neighborhood in SF have the street(s) where the lights are timed to be green all the time.

Most people know about Fell and Oak. There is Sutter and Bush, Fulton (not Geary), Lincoln (not Irving), Van Ness in the Mission, etc. The trick is to know how to speed or slow down your car in order to hit all the green lights.

Or the shortcuts. Try some of the bus routes. Usually the bus routes are to avoid traffic jams. For instance, the 12 and the 10 bus go to the left lane on Folsom to avoid traffic going to the 80 Eastbound during commute hours.

The list is endless, but it's more fun for each person to discover them rather than me writing them down. Then again, maybe these are things people want to read??

how do you really know?

One question I wonder about is why so many people want to settle down. Is it something they really want, or is it merely peer pressure. It seems to be that more people are Lemmings than truly independent thinkers.

After all, how can you really want something if you never had it? How can people tell me that they want to have a significant other or a family when they may not know all the consequences of these choices?

I meet and at times date men who want to have a partner, yet most of them just want someone to fulfill their own goals. A partner is another human beings who have her own objectives too. I have not yet met a man who really want to compromise, at least not with an opinionated person like me.

Is that even possible, or am I just dating the wrong people? Is it Darwinism to try to find that one person who will help you achieve your goals, or is it merely how society has trained us to look at life partners?

Much of it is patterning after our parents. My parents are so giving that I see how my siblings definitely give more to their partners. It's one of the unresolved issues for the family: are we destined to put ourselves behind our partners because that's how my parents have taught us?

I was overly giving in many of my relationships, but now that my determination to achieve certain professional and personal goals is so great, I cannot even have a relationship. Or can I? Who will be that one person willin to compromise with me, or will I always give too much because that is my destiny? Ironic that my focus on my career will ensure that my future relationships will be more balanced than my siblings'.

the perfect place

Being single in my 30s is absolutely wonderful! Who knew that dating would be so much better now than ever?

My own theory is that the pool of women in their 30s who are 1) financially independent, 2) not desparate to settle down, and 3) not psycho is so small that I actually have an advantage on the dating scene.

Yes, it helps to be fit. Still, I pity all the women who listened to their mothers and settled down before they have a chance to truly enjoy the best era of a woman's life: her 30s!!

The other night, I decided to eat by myself on a Saturday night, so I did. It was a lovely meal, and I didn't feel anything negative about dining alone. I am just too old to be wasting time having or indulging in negative emotions.

There are bigger fish to fry. I have so many big dreams right now that I cannot be bothered with useless yet common thoughts about not having a man. I am truly in a perfect place because my life is going to be a rocket taking off. I already have so much good accompany along for the ride that I don't mind not having a co-pilot for now. It's time to focus and make all my dreams come true!

right back at me

Had to confront the pressure that I impose on others when I pursue.

Ouch. That hurts.

Sorry to all the men that I push against the wall. My defense is that I was so taken with you!

Fortunately, that is no longer possible now, with this new life where I have less time. Given the importance I place on relationships, I don't want one right now. Anyone, man or woman, who thinks that I can be this ideal friend/significant other to them is mistaken.

It is all timing.

Next experiment: match. Should be fun!

burning question answered

Ran into the attorney that I had a huge crush on. He was with his dog...and his financee. There you go, taken. Upon hearing this story, my friend J said that I was lucky that I didn't do anyting. Yes, lucky indeed.

Life goes on.

Somewhat satisfied that I get to know every answer on my own terms. Have a feeling that the job situation is about to change...we'll see...

chasing men

Many of my friends don't understand why I chase after men who are not always eager to be my partner.

I don't pursue men to make them mine. In fact, I "pursue" women more than I do men. When I meet someone who can make me take notice, I want to get to know that person b/c they might be able to add to my life.

With women, it's easy; they become new girlfriends.

With men, it's a little harder. I've had a lot of men pass through my life because I didn't know how to just be their friends first and foremost. Some of the connections faded b/c neither party sees a romantic future.

Now I know better. For now, I am not suppose to have that one great love, that'll happen in due time. In this new phase of my life, it's all about enjoying people, especially all the amazing men in my life...

choices

For the first time in my life, I canceled a social event for work. I made plans with a friend for a special guided tour of a current museum exhibit at 5. After being out of the office all day, I found out about a conference call at 530. Usually I skip the calls if they conflict, but it felt important to be on that call.

It was not a rewarding choice. Not much came out of the call, and afterwards, as I was trying to give my two managers more input, it just didn't seem to matter.

Still, I am glad I experienced something people do everyday, give up their personal committment for work.

One thing that is great about my current job, it tests my values almost everyday. I am always myself, but I see clearly how that self belongs somewhere else. I belong in a place where being myself is the most valuable thing to that organization. I have that right now, in my personal life, so I am grateful.

relax

Watched a bit of Zoolander on TV last night, and the scene with the song Relax was funny. At the same time, that song feels like the perfect theme song for my life today.

It's been a while since I have been so relaxed. After a wonderful vacation and a visit to my masseuse, I am better than ever. Have a sports injury slowly healing, but I am no longer bogged down by the little things.

Why is that?

Perhaps I am finally able to let go of work. I recognized that work is not going to be the core of my identity right now. Yes I enjoys working, but I also value my life outside of work. Striking that balance was hard b/c I was measuring myself by the monetary and power status of those around me. Tough to view work objectively when I pressure myself to be something bigger than myself.

Right now, I just want to savor what I have in my life.

This holiday season, it's been a blessing to do so little. I have so little responsibilities right now. Even the idea of looking for a serious relationship seems ridiculous. I was mistaken. Just when I think I am ready for a significant other, the idea of just enjoying lots of men is still appealing. Why work at a relationship when I can have these loose ties?

It's a new stage in life, and I no longer call the shots. Yet I continue to gravitate toward the risks. Let's see what this next stage is all about.

all in stride

It's the holidays. I love how I don't have to shop for anyone; my family doesn't exchange gifts.

Definitely a time to reflect. There are so many things on my to-do list. Time to invest some resources on those things: Spanish, swimming, better health and most importantly, spirituality.

More and more, I see how all my deepest wishes have come true because I always kept an open mind as to what should be the final outcome.

We are not suppose to have the answers. By posing a sincere question, the universe answers in its own way.

For instance, in my community relations work, there is an artist to whom I wish to send a holiday card. She is a successful artist, one who manages to sell enough art work to sustain herself and her family. For some reason, I just couldn't find her physical address.

She had invited me to one of her recent shows, but it's almost an hour drive away. As luck would have it, the gallery is near my parents' home, so I was able to view the show during one of my visits home. Just in time as the show closes this week.

As part of the introductory material, this artist had include her business card with her physical address on it! I was able to write her a nice note that very afternoon.

Life is full of these small wonders. A book that speaks to this wonder is When God Winks: How the Power of Coincidence Guides Your Life. I am not religious, but this book describes exactly my belief that there is something greater than ourselves.

The key about spirituality is the power it gives us. I have complete faith in myself, and that is significant considering that I wasn't always so sure of myself. When I care about someone else, that is the same power that I hope to bestow onto them. To know that whatever happens, I will be all right is pure joy.

cause and effect

Blogging has changed me in a fundamental way. The habit of just freely speak my mind has infiltrated every aspect of my life. It used to be that I share my life with just a few select people and have many peripheral friends. Now that I have been writing freely for nearly a year online and for the last 20 years via a journal, I am truly myself all the time.

The one positive externality of open self expression is that I can see everything so clearly and adapt accordingly. For instance, today during yet another long mediation session, I was able to see how everyone else's complete absorption in the litigation created so much unnecessary stress. The mediator told us that he woke up at 5 in the morning thinking about the case!

I just cannot get stressed out about work any more. Like the dating, it's just another natural cycle of life that will come and go.

Of course, the best part to the mediation session is flirting with the attractive environmental attorney. It's fun to have a crush on someone. The crush will too pass, but it certainly has been a delicious rush interacting with him.

Psyched that I beat out jet lag completely from the trip. The trick is to not sleep or sleep very little the night or two nights before and use the travel time to sleep to the time of the destination. That and fueling with healthy diet throughout the trip and after arrival!

the best vacation ever

I came back from a week-long vacation, and it was what I needed.

Being relaxed completely was so nice. Mostly, I spent time with family, ate, slept and read. Most importantly, my soul got a break to rediscover what is truly important to me.

So silly that I have been caught up by work and my emotional responses to work that I forgot that my life has never been just about work. Taiwan has a Lemmings culture, where everyone has similar outlook. That similarity reminded me that I was trying to emulate a lot of workaholics I know.

I have never been one to follow the norm. It's okay to have my own rules about work and play. I'll probably not be rich because of my insistence on having fun, but I will continue to be happy.

This was also a trip to focus on financial goals. Need to start to think about how to finance my dream to take a year off and live in South America in the next five years!!

being different

This past weekend, I went snowboarding with some friends, mostly guys. It was a blast.

One reason why I am so comfortable being around men is that men tend to embrace each other's differences. Many men get a kick out of being outrageous around their closest friends.

Unfortunatley, the same cannot be said for all women. In fact, I have worked harder on my female friendships b/c when I find that special woman who can let me be me, I court her. I put more effort into my female friendships b/c it is rare for me to find those few who appreciate my refusal to conform.

This year, I have definitely come into my own, with the help of all my friends. With such a wide range of friends, I finally figured out who I am. Although continuing to grow at a rapid pace and unable to stay still, I like this place that I am in right now. I do whatever I want, and I do it on my terms.

True, I cannot control a lot of things and people in my life, but I have absolute control over my mind and my actions. There is an incredible freedom in being able to follow my gut every step of the way and just know what to do in every situation.

This past weekend, snowboarding on runs that I couldn't even imagine just a year ago was such a high. Last year, in order to make it to the blacks, I took two days off work and lived in Tahoe all by myself for 2 nights. Taking private lessons in the middle of the week was what got me to master snowboarding. I am still not true black yet, but this is the season that I want to be good enough to travel the world and snowboard at resorts outside of Tahoe.

What's your dream? Dare to be different, but step up to the challenge and make those dreams your reality.

small victories

Last night, I swam more than I ever did - eight laps of freestyle!

Due to an accident at my first swimming lesson, I hate putting my face in the water. So whenever I was in the pool, it was with a lifesaver or backstroke.

After watching Riding Giants, a surfing movie, two years ago, I knew that I will one day want to learn to surf. Well, got to swim first.

Even living at great places with pools, I never could go for more than 2 laps. It's just so traumatizing.

Well, with a friend's encouragement and her great pool, I finally did it! It was a break through for me. Today, I have been on cloud nine. Who knew that it took something so small to change my whole outlook? Cannot wait to go to Hawaii and learn to surf next!

the art of rejection

I have been polling my friends about how to reject men romantically. The one drawback about going on lots of dates with people is that there are rejections, on both sides. Almost everyone says to be direct, but I tried that and just don't think it's me.

I've been rejected enough times to know that it's not fun being on the receiving end of one of _those_ speech. One cannot be nice about it.

What's easier is to allow people to see for themselves why the relationship would never work. I am always my crazy self, so more often than not, men know exactly why they wouldn't want to be involved with me long term...

Besides, it cannot be easy to date someone who is just not quite ready to settle down just yet...

candlestick stadium plan

Watch it at
http://sanfrancisco.granicus.com/ViewPublisher.php?view_id=10
11/21 Board of Supervisors Hearing Item #31

Or read about it
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/11/22/BAGM1MI1FR1.DTL

warm and fuzzy feeling

I don't much like surprises. I read movie reviews before I watch them, and I don't go to restaurants without a recommendation.

Last night, my date and I went to a restaurant on a whim. What a pleasant surprise! It was one of the best meals ever; the food and the service were excellent. Who knew this little place in a strip mall would have that rare combination of great food and causal atmosphere?

It was a simple yet magical night. It's surprising to meet someone so different from me yet so similar. Most men I meet expect something from me, either my time or my company or what I can do for them. I once lived to please other people. Not any more, so even though I meet plenty of great guys, no one has been quite right. Conversely, when I expected too much at times, the dating experiences have turned sour.

So, it's a new beginning. I don't know what's going to happen, but I've learned to be patient and let life unfolds. For now, I am very, very happy...

different priorities

Had another 12-hour work day. Didn't even make it to the office. Was at an expert witness' office and then in mediation session all day.

We were so close, but still no settlement. I got mad and blew up just a bit at all the attorneys at the end of the day.

Still, it was a great day. I confirmed a date for tomorrow night, and one of the attorneys on our team and I were flirting with each other. This is the same guy that I had a crush on a while back when we hired him for another project. He is on board for this lawsuit to help with the technical aspects of the settlement.

This attorney, our litigation attorney and me were stuck at the mediator's office for 8 hours! Glad I got to have some fun while there. It was so close b/c we had a settlement agreement almost all ready to go, but then the other side came back with a completely new term sheet and wouldn't give us an extension on some motions due tomorrow. Our litigation attorney went back to the office to work tonight...

Even though I had previously believed that this environmental attorney had an SO, it was clear that he is single and looking. Now I am even more motivated to find a new job, so I can date him. Even though there are no rules against attorneys dating their clients, I would rather be a non-client before becoming a romantic prospect.

Anyways, looking forward to tomorrow. Definitely excited about the date with yet another prospect...

social cues

I own a ring that only fits on my ring fingers on either hand. Given that I wear another ring from my mother on the right hand most of the time, I decided to wear the ring on the left Wednesday.

Today, while wrapping up a phone call with a colleague whom I met with on Wednesday, he asked about it. Oh no, I responded, it was just for fun.

Lately, I have been thinking about social cues. The ring is an obvious example, but there are many subtle signs of how people identify themselves.

Fashion is a prime example. I can always tell whether a woman is older...by the shape of her pants. Very few woman under 35 will wear tapper pants. We are the generation of boot-cut/flare pants. Another tell-tale-sign is purse length. During the 90s, purse straps became shorter in length, so when I see a woman carrying a long purse (the kind that dangles by her hips), I think 40+.

Another sign I have been looking at is eyebrows. My girlfriends fall into two camps, those who shape their eyebrows, and those who maintain their au natural shapes... It's not a big deal, but it does change the way a person's face look.

In the end, it doesn't matter what people look like or how they choose to spend their money on grooming, but I just find it an easy way for people to tell me something about themselves.

celebrity

Today, I heard Jack Foster Jr. speak. The Foster family built Foster City from what was called Brewer's Island strating in 1958.
http://www.fostercity.org/community_info/Introduction-to-the-History-of-Foster-City.cfm

I always thought Foster City as a very-well planned community. Every home had water view and the engineering prevented flooding and liquefaction. I was in awe to listen to the story from the man who was there from the very beginning.

Besides his involvement in a iconic project, Mr. Foster also gained my respect when he said that we must address the housing crisis in California. He pointed out that the real estate market can crash because of 1. too much housing feeding to the economy or 2. the economy restricting b/c workers cannot afford to live here. Right now, we are heading down path number 2, with option number 1 receiving no support from the existing residents and policy makers.

I got into the real estate development business because I want to build affordable housing. Here in the Bay Area, that mission is just to build housing period. I love it here, but I will leave the Bay Area if it means that the people here are not going to support the development that is necessary to increase diversity.

right here, right now

I don't know why there is so much desire for people to be young again. I had a great childhood and have been happy in my younger years, but life has always gotten better for me.

For each person, every stage of life brings a particular set of circumstances and events. The trick to live in the moment is to enjoy that unique set of facts.

I don't want to be anything else but me right now. I don't want to be living in another period of my life but right now.

I feel so lucky because there is no where I rather be than in my life at this particular moment. I love all the good fortunes, but I also embrace all the surprises. There is no good or bad outcome, there are only the facts of my day.

life is like this

I invited 3 people to dinner tonight about a week ago. It was all very up in the air. Of course, as luck would have it, all three people canceled. I am so used to these ups and downs. Started to invite some people last-minute, still no takers. Guess I'll be eating some yummy lunch tomorrow!

Just like the fall on Saturday (that bruise looks so nasty!), life goes on. I firmly believe if I don't dwell on life's ups and downs, I can get so much more done in a day.

Now, time to start planning for the snow season!!

sincere thanks

You were there for me.

You listened and let me rant without judging.

You repeated my words, so I can hear myself.

You pointed out my flaws without hurting my feelings (too much).

You led me to the truth without embarassing me.

Your patience and care brought me much support and joy.

To all the girlfriends who listened and gave me the dose of reality I needed this weekend: thank you for being there.

wall flowers

It was sad to talk to a woman in her mid-20s while taking a dance break and found out that her friends and her drove all the way from San Jose to San Francisco tonight to club. There they were, sitting pretty, in a row, and all looking quite miserable.

At first, my friend and I encouraged them to join us on the dance floor. Then, it occurred to me that they just don't know how to have fun.

Sometime during the night, I fell and had a bruised knee, but I was able to keep dancing. This would not be the first time I fell, and it would not be the last. Still, I moved on and didn't give it too much thought. After all, the moment of the fall was long over, and I wanted to focus on the next moment, which was all about dancing up a storm.

As always, I had a great time. I hope the wall flowers will one day figure out that it's all about what is in the mind and soul and not perception.

no diva

I want to dance with somebody, somebody who loves me....
I want to dance with somebody, somebody who loves meeeee....

NOT.

what would you like

Lately, I have been observing grown adults asking the young members of their family where they should eat. Seriously, you wouldn't let your toddlers drive, so why let them decide where to eat?

Although making choices are one of the luxuries in life, I don't believe most children should be given so many choices. Most times, these children who are asked to choose are not ready for the responsibility.

I had a great childhood b/c I hardly have to make choices. I eat what was put in front of me. My choices were what's on the table or to be hungry. By not participating in my food choices, I also avoided a lot of bad habits. I didn't choose junk food over healthy food b/c I only had healthy food.

Same thing with consumption. The last time I visited a friend of mine, she was in the process of trying to get her daughter to throw up some of her 200+ collection of stuffed animals. Of course, by allowing the child to choose, about 150+ of the toys stayed. It was sad because the mother acted as if she didn't know how all this happened.

It isn't easy to be the disciplinarian, but it is absolutely necessary. Rather than focusing on choices, kids should be learning responsibilities and giving to others. A person has all of his adulthood to learn how to make consumption choices but only his formidable years to learn how to be a decent person.

moving

The 49ers announced that it will give up the new stadium deal at Candlestick and move to Santa Clara.
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/11/09/BAGHUM9FAH6.DTL

My company owns neighboring land near the Candlestick stadium and has been talking with Lennar about some joint deals for transportation projects.

It's very likely that this is a PR ploy to get the City of SF to back off some of its demands on the 49ers, including a vote for the new stadium and no government funding for the project.

The one thing I have learned from this job is that it's all business. Each player strategizes to make the most gain for its projects. It's never personal, but many people are affected by these multi-million dollar deals.

More than ever, I am looking to leave because my life is all about interpersonal relationships. I cannot be in an environment where people don't care about the fundamental relationships. So, back to the job listings.

social style

Once in a while I will browse on random people's Friendster/MySpace/Xanga. It's always amusing how people are so different yet so similar.

One consistent theme is the idea that there are people who let you be you. I am always myself, so the idea of a select of people who let me be me isn't as important. Still, I do have my ring of support that I use to buffer against the craziness of life.

When I started the Dinner for the Ladies, it was an attempt to mimic this ring of support. After two years, I am no longer as close to the group b/c my social style is more random. The idea that one group is there to be supportive doesn't fit my lifestyle. I like one-on-one, so that nearly all my closest friends don't know each other, and the makeup of that group changes from time to time.

I love how I don't hang out with the same people week after week. Life is always random, and that's part of how I have fun: mixing the people and the pattern of socializing.

Perhaps that is why now, more than ever, I am ready for that serious relationship. I need the stability to balance all the randomness in friendship.

what fuels passion?

One great thing that came out of the New York trip was a reminder to live passionately and with meaning.

Ironically, what determines the right choices are not at all conscious but purely instinctive decisions.

Over the weekend, I was out shopping with a friend when it occurred to me that buying things no longer have the same fulfillment as back in graduate school. During school, shopping was a great escape from the stress of studying. Now, it's the shopping itself that is stressful. There are so many things that are more fulfilling that Sunday was quite tiring.

The transition was surprising because for me clothing has always been a way of expression. Now, my focus is career and relationships and how my instincts bring me closer to a higher level in those areas...

just another day in job hunting ville

I did not get the call back from the City of SF that was to be scheduled for today. I thought I had a great interview on Tuesday.

That's how it goes. While looking for a writing sample for yet another job application, I saw the nearly 100 cover letters that I sent out back when I was looking for an attorney job after taking the bar.

That was a dark period in my life... I was unemployed and having trouble in my personal relationship. Ultimately, I got out of that relationship and found a job. Still, the stress of trying to find a job while unemployed was unbearable.

In some ways, this latest rejection is barely a bump in the road.

This incident is exactly why I love getting older. Not many things phases me at this point because I have had a lot of ups and downs in my teens and 20s.

More and more, I can accept the uncontrollable and rely completely on my intuition. It's almost fun to go through life because everything is meant to be...

Yes, I am emotionally affected by not getting the call back, but I move on. I don't have to dwell on those emotional responses but can free my spirit and mind to be ready for the next event in life. Right now, that means a fun weekend with friends!!

spirituality

As much as I love to work, my expectation of the role of work in my life has changed. In the ten years since starting graduate school, I firmly believe that my work needs to fulfill me on a deeper level. Besides a paycheck, I want my work to be an extension of my spiritual self.

Is that too much to ask?

Having met enough people who love their jobs, I know my dream job is around the corner. I don't want to discount all the places I have been because ultimately, I contributed.

Had my interview with the City of SF yesterday. Will hear back today on whether I am moving to the next round of interviews. In the meanwhile, there is a lot of work to do at the current job. Everything will play out. Just have to be patient.

Will continue to cultivate the spirit despite the demands of the current work...

opinion v. judgment

It always amuses me how people who barely know me offer their advice on how I should conduct myself.

It's one thing to question other people's differences, it's another to judge and assume that there is a better way.

My whole life, I have been surrounded by people who judge. Fortunately, there is also plenty of support for me to be me. Rather than accepting judgment and change myself, I always resist and question the sources of that judgment.

I also catch myself being judgmental. It actually takes more effort to judge than to accept. Going to work on giving that unconditional acceptance...

this the world we live in

A person's spirit is what that person is born with. That spirit is the core of who we are. That saying about people never really change is referring to this core.

However, I am beginning to realize that we don't live in a world that value this spirit. Look at teachers' salaries for instance. If teachers are who children are most in contact with, why do we not pay teachers more than lawyers? Same thing with paternal leave. If the formable years are instrumental in a person's development, then why don't all societies sacrifice to give to new parents?

It's not too late though if one's spirit was not always carefully nurtured. Our everyday actions and thoughts have profound influence in our spiritual growth. It takes conscious choices to lead us to our true selves.

Take being good company. I am ashamed to say that I have not been the best company to people of late. In the rush to do so much, I forget much of basic politeness. How rude of me! It actually took a very good date for me to realize that giving to people is what I cared about the most. Just because I am in a more demanding job or have less time does not mean I should stop being caring.

Just because I live in a world that doesn't share my value of the true self does not mean I have to forget cultivating what I value the most.

Wow, that was a good vacation...

great vacation

After four days in New York, I am ready for life back in SF.

It was the most wonderful vacation. I definitely feel like myself again. I didn't even realize (well, friends have hinted) that I was losing my soul to the struggles at work. After a few days away from the office, I am whole again.

Glad for all the creativity. The people, the places and the experiences all stimulatd my spirit and call for me to grow in leaps and bounds the way I did last year when life was in perfect balance.

It's good to once again have a clear vision of what is meant to be.

my world

Took some heat last night from two friends for my latest attempt to change jobs. They both were disappointed and urged me to focus and to settle on one job for a while. The judgement was hard to take at first, since both have been friends with me for over 12 years.

I do appreciate having these two very successful friends in my life. One is a management consultant and the other one is an HR VP. Their careers are models of how one can do what one loves and get paid very well doing it.

Still, I also see the value of doing things my way, regardless of how illogical my choices may appear to others. I have taken so many risks in my life, including this job. The decision to work for family did not pan out, but I learned and made enough money to support myself.

At any given point, I try to make the best decision that I can, and I have to be my biggest supporter.

It's been a painful path to have to walk away from these amazing projects at work, but I am not productive at work any more. I struck a deal with a board member, and none of the deal was ever realized. It's time to focus on what I am passionate about once again.

sacred

A man has fallen.

He has fallen in love with a dear friend of mine.

So rare these days, to hear the story of passionate love.

The kind that consumes a person completely,

And fill the woman's apartment with flowers,

And her ears with sweet words.

I haven't felt that way for quit some time.

So it's the story about the fool in love,

That makes me believe that,

All is well in the world.

where life takes me

Unlike most of my friends, I stopped living a goal-oriented life in college. I remember that first year in undergrad, I was quite motivated.

Somewhere between college and grad school, I started to adapt a laid back attitude. Hard to figure out why, but life just doesn't need to be all about achieving any more.

Being satisfied with the status quo does not win popularity contests. In fact, it has caused all sort of raised eyebrows. I just had a debate with a friend about making decisions. She picks a goal and takes steps toward that goal. I, on the other hand, always follow my gut. My friend was amazed that I never know what's next. She is in the top pharmacy school right now, and the way she got there was to completely focus during the application process.

For me, life is a series of events and experiences. Sometimes connected, other times at odds with one another. Bottom line is that I am usually happy and have little worries. Isn't that enough?

I do have some balance in my life by having some minimum expectations for the future. Still, I truly believe that by acquiring more life skills, I will be able to handle whatever comes my way. My latest dream is to possibly work and live in South America. That means I need Spanish, savings and more friends from the Southern Hemisphere!

dance the little dance

My new rule in dating is let the guy make the first move.

Being intuitive can be a curse b/c I can decipher romantic potential very clearly on the first meeting. The guy doesn't have to have one stellar trait, but if the feeling is right, then I am willing to invest the time. Apparently, it's different for most of the guys out there.

To account for the varying level of intuition out there, my new rule is to just be patient. Getting to know people is a two-way street, and given that I am not very conventional, I need to give people a chance to figure me out too.

At the same time, I have little apprecitation for the men who try so hard. Life is too short to be focusing so much on little old me. My life is about all my interests, and the ideal guy needs to be just as active.

It's strange for me to finally be ready for a relationship. Being the woman though, I feel that it is still best to let the man make the first move.. It's like salsa. I never appreciated instructional dancing b/c I didn't want the guy to lead. For the first time though, I want to learn most of the latin dances and am looking forward to have a partner who will offer his hand.

fraud

Feeling proud this morning because I foiled an attempt to collect my eBay personal information!

It was a standard e-mail from eBay stating that my account has been suspended due to a non-performance claim. The link to resolve the dispute took me to a eBay sign-in page. I proceeded to sign in. Then, as I was filling out some of the information, my intuition suggested that something was not quite right.

First of all, the link to describe the claim was not functional, so I cannot clearly understand the problem. Then, the page started to request some very sensitive information, including my social security number. That's when I quickly logged into www.ebay.com and found the fraud division to send the e-mail to. I also changed my password to my account.

Sure enough, two minutes later, eBay responded that this e-mail was not from the company. Phew, I was able to escape harm.

Was I lucky? Yes, but it was also many other skills that thwarted the scammers. Keeping up with current events helps because I read about these similar scams all the time. The articles mentioned the direct link to another page and that asking for social security number is always a flag. Just as important is correcting the mistake after the fact. By changing my password right away, I at least prevented the scammers from further access.

Most importantly, it is all about trusting my gut. I tend to trust the good in everyone, so the minute that anything causes my brow to furrow, it's a big warning sign. All right Mr/Ms "ebayonline", you may be clever, but not smart enough this time...

story telling

I don't believe in long-distance relationships, since the whole point of a relationship is to face life's ups and downs together.

On the other hand, I highly recommend long distance friendships. I have several friends who live outside of the area who have been key to my support system.

Rather than sharing meals or drinks, these friendships are built on phone calls and e-mails. The communications is a string of stories traded back and forth. These long-distance relationships focus on story telling, which can very effective therapy for life's ups and downs.

Also, the long distance relationships also make it unnecessary to see my other friends all the time. Sure, I am always up for spending time with people, but I no longer see any one friend on a weekly basis. In fact, I prefer to catch up with friends once a month or so. In the meantime, I am off to live and create some stories.

spirit

Went to dinner at a friend's house. She was someone I met through the Chamber of Commerce for work. This is a woman who is so energetic and full of life. Besides her business saviness, she also paints and has the most beautiful garden.

Last night, I met her husband for the first time, and he is also very similar in his optimism and good humor.

The couple just returned from his 30th college reunion. While looking at the pictures from that event, I noted something that everyone at the reunion also noticed, the husband looks 15 years younger than everyone else in the class. You can tell where he was in the pictures, because his youthfulness made him look out of place.

His theory is that he doesn't worry, but I know it's something more. Both the husband and wife have very strong spirits. The spirit is also the most important component of the body, mind and spirit.

Just as one exercises to strength the body and reads to enrich the mind, the spirit needs constant attention. The spirit is our creative selves. Laughter, the arts and human connection are the fuels for the spirit.

Anytime you combine activities that can lift and spirit as well as enrich the body or the mind, then it's even more dynamic. Dancing and teaching are good examples of activites that not only boost the body or the mind, but also nurture the spirit.

I feel quite lucky that my life is filled with people and activities that allow my spirit to be strong. My life's work will be to collect the endless inspirations for the spirit.

risk it all

I asked my uncle for raise today, and the same results as with asking the chairman: the runaround.

It's time for me to plan the exit strategy. I am at the company because I love my work, but I cannot work with people who don't value its people.

Just like losing my wallet, I have a clear sense of what I have to do next. It's good to have these ups and downs to move me toward my destiny...

sincere thanks

To the security crew who directed me when the airline counter staff was all gone,
To the shuttle driver who got me from Terminal 3 to Terminal 7 at LAX in 3 minutes,
To the United counter people who called every airline near where I lost my wallet,
To the LAPD who was so polite and reassuring while writing out my report,
To the friend who picked me up and then woke up 6 hours later to bring me back to the airport,
To the counter person who waived my $100 standby ticket fee,
To the parking structure manager whose creativity allowed me to have my car back w/only $20,

Big thanks.

15 hours later, the only things taken from me were $15 and three replaceable ID and credit cards and good as new. Life is good when one is tested and is barely bruised. Thanks to all who made it a great weekend.

the last supper

People ask me all the time about intuition. What is gut feeling?

One thing I enjoy about getting older is honing my intuition. This complete trust I have in every decision and every thought is like play, except the payoffs are for real. I love to have fun, and what is more fun than anything else is to follow my gut and do whatever I want, always!

So last night, while cooking my usual weekly meal, it occurred to me that this is the last group meal I'll be cooking for a while.

Just like that, I knew that this ritual is coming to an end. Sure, I'll be whipping up meals soon enough, but there was a strong sense that there will not be a group dinner next week...

Usually, there are signs to confirm my intuition, and that's how I improve it. Last night, there were definitely signs. Everyone was running late, and then one of my friends called in a frenzy that my street is blocked off! Apparently, someone left a suspicious package at the school across the street. Just when I went outside to check it out, they blew up the package offsite. Talk to about drama! As always, everything worked out. It was a lovely evening; got to know my friends better. Even had time to perfect a new receipe...

So, I look forward to that extra evening a week to do whatever I am meant to do next.

lesson learned

This past Saturday, I raced with a dragon boat team in the SF Dragon Boat Festival. What fun!

My team consisted of adults and high school teenagers who were part of two service organizations in the City. Perhaps due to the fact that some of the team members did not show up at every practice, our performance was not as consistent as the other teams. It was eye opening to see how some of the teams had matching life jackets and paddles while others just used the loaners provided by the festival.

Our team came in last in our heat in the first race. With each of the three heats, we got better. Still, the team never tasted victory.

I felt like a winner b/c I am not a fan of team sports. This was the first time in my life that I actually belonged to a team other than track and debate where I only competed in individual events.

For the sake of the high school kids, I am glad that we did not win and had to fight to not be last in the second and third race. Looking at these second or third-generation Asian kids, I wonder how many of them had opportunities to challenge themselves. It's so rare for young people to experience hardships these days. Even myself, I never worried about money until I was in fifth grade.

The dragon boat race was as real as it gets, with some of the corporate teams getting lots of advantages, and the results reflected those advantages. Perhaps this is why I love sports; it's the only area where one is challenged in a controlled environment yet can continue to improve and gain confidance.

It's a great thing that I don't have many challenges in my life. Yes, life is too easy at times. It's time to challenge myself rather than wait for life to hand me some hurdles.

working

Work has always been a big part of my identiy, and I do take work personally. Unfortunately, that means when work is not going well, I can get depressed. Lately, I feel down b/c work has been frustration.

Maybe it's too much expectation? Did I think I would be riding the high of this past year still? I hate to admit it, but my work affects me more than it should. We had two IT meltdowns yesterday, and I am still waiting for the phone people to come fix things (two days after I first contacted them.) I feel some resentment b/c I didn't come to this job to be an admin person, yet the majority of my time is being an executive assistant.

The good thing was that I snapped out of it this morning. I realized that I was too presumptuous. I assumed that this position was going to be plum, not realizing that this company will never be able to offer the perks of a world-class company. I AM glad that I see for myself why this company has fallen short of its potential. In the end, it's about people. Companies who value its people (and that can translate into many different ways) will be the ones that get things done.

One reason that I am doing so much at work may be due to the fact that I have worked at more place than anyone else at the current company. Since high school, I have worked at 22 jobs. All that experience means that instinctively, I know what works and what doesn't.

Today is a good day. It is the realization of what I can and cannot control at my job. I feel the cloud that has hung over me in the last few weeks lifting. Just in time for partying with friends this weekend!!

don't get me mad

I loved the cartoon angry kid b/c it's so twisted.
http://www.angrykid.com/main.html

There is also an appreciation for this character due to the metaphor. As much as I pride myself on being a nice person, I can get mad. Getting mad is okay b/c it's an indication that something is not right.

It's then my duty to focus and fix the problem. With people, it's all about removing myself from unpleasant situations. With work, it's all about figuring out how I can resolve the problems. Take today, the accounting department's computers were all down. It took me a while to track down our consultants and fix it, but it's fixed. Now we are having VM issues, and I am once again tracking down the vendor to come take care of it.

I was angry today because I did not sign up to be the IT person, but I inherited this duty when the prior non-IT-but-do-IT person quit. As much as I pride on being capable, this is not how I envision my career. I do miss being at a well-staffed company where the problems are solved by competent people.

So even though a lot of people say don't get mad, I encourage anger. It's what you do with the anger that is important. Anger should be the motivation to change and not lead to frustration. One must not give up at the sign of challenge but to always have faith that the solution is up to us.

in the name of environmentalism

One of the things that I like about urban planning in California is the political process. Although burdensome, the political process created in part by the California state law guards against abuse by any one party.

However, if a community group does insist on hijaking the process, development can be stopped, which can sometimes be a negative thing.

One of the property bordering my company's site was going to be turned into Home Depot in 1999. Unfortunately, with a very strong anti-development and anti-big-box movement, Home Depot pulled out. It was just too expensive to keep fighting the community. This was a factory that was closed down in 1989 and sat vacant and fenced up for 10 year.

Fast-forward 7 years, and the site is still vacant and fenced up. That 11 acres of abandoned site hurt the community's ability to revitalize itself.

Now, my company is in talks to take over the site because we are suing the neigbhoring company for contamination. The deal is not happening because the other side wants an impossible indemnity. It would be too expensive and too risky for us to let the other side off the hook completely. Back in 1999, Home Depot and this company were going to give each other mutual indeminity...

So, the only likely result is redevelopment, which would take another 15 years before something will happen.

This story would not have been as personal has it not for getting to know the community. Almost everyone I meet supports the Home Depot deal, and they never found out what reallky happened. There was one woman who spearheaded the fight against it, and she is also my company's biggest opponent in many other projects.

Without full understanding of economic development, this woman spent hours meeting with city officials and staff and wielding her influence with the various organizations around the area to fight development. I cannot help but feel sad for the community because this woman is not serving them. She is so idealistic that she drives away many opportunities that this poor community needs.

This story is a reminder that there is a dark side to the open political proces...

hustling

Last night, several friends met up at a bar in the Mission and walked toward my place after. Right after we walk down the street, one friend remembered that she has yet to close the tab. Two guy friends went with her. The rest of us waited near Mission and 16th.

A black man approached us and introduced himself. He shaked hands with one friend and asked for some change. It was sad that when he tried to shake the another person in the group, that person was paralyzed by fear. I didn't realize that some of the group was not used to this environment.

For me, I usually just politely but firmly refuse the request, because the act may encourage more of it.

The first friend handled the situation by giving the stranger a quarter. That person did walk away.

Still, I was a bit surprised by the reaction of the rest of the group. Yes, there were some very sheltered people in our mix.

It was unfortunate, because I never let fear stop me. I practice caution, but in a crowded street corner in San Francisco, most of the people who approach others are quite harmless. One should just have a policy and stick to it. I try to be polite and wish pan-handlers luck because I don't want to give them money or encourage them.

Cannot help but think that part of the reason why some neighborhoods don't improve is because people are not used to walking out and about and enjoy the city. Yes, pan-handling is part of the city experience, but so are learning about the problems first hand and have an appreciation if we don't have to deal with those problems on a personal level.

Everytime I see poverty, I am reminded that I must focus on trying to make the world a better place. Part of the reason that work has lost some of its appeal is because I don't know if my company is focused on making the world better. I am once again re-directed to try to do some good.

the accused

One of my girlfriends wanted to buy a dress for a wedding. I suggested Georgiou Outlet on Bryant. They've got stuff at 50-80% off retail and good designs. I even offer to meet her there b/c she seemed to appreciate the suggestion in the past.

After trying on quite a few choices, she I did find something with my help. We went our separate ways afterwards.

Just now, I got a phone call from her. She claimed that her MAC compact was missing from her purpose, and she suspected that I took it.

What?! Why would I want to take a used eyeshow compact from a friend?

Anyways, she claimed that her purse was open after I held it for her, and it was zipped before that. She also said that she doesn't know me that well. Okay, I have been giving this woman advice for the past year, sometimes weekly, and we don't know each other well?

I just told her that I did not take it and wished her luck. I cannot even get upset about the false accusation because it was not true. Also, my heart goes on to the person who jump to conclusion that a friend would do something bad to her.

Perhaps this is meant to be. If I am meant to lose a friend over something petty, then so be it. I hope she does figure out the truth soon because this will eat away at her like so many other things.

Is this what is meant of that saying "one's lot in life"? It's not so much what happens to us that seals our fate but how we react to everyday events...

walking

So I heard back from the Chairman. I don't understand how can a raise "be incorporate into the incentive program"...

I started to look at jobs today. The road to build more housing does not have to be a straight path.

Things that give me joy:

public library/books on reserve
farmers market
produce on sale
yoga
gym
newspaper
figuring out how to do/fix/clean stuff
cooking
thrift stores
unlocking the mysteries of cities

Of course, there are also the things to do w/other people, but these are the things I can count on, no matter what.

the easy things

Asked for a raise today. After busting my butt for 7 months. It's time to reassess my value to the company.

Funny, at the last job, not getting the raise I asked for made it that much easier to leave. In the current job, not getting the raise will just make it that much easier to strike out on my own.

I don't doubt my ability to contribute, but asking for the raise means that I look at myself differently than when I first started.

One thing why I love to work is because work comes naturally for me. In comparison to sports or relationships, I always know what to do on the job. In some ways, work is addictive because it's predictable. Even the way some colleagues take work too seriously is predictable.

Even though I see some challenges at the current job, I know the only way to push myself to the limit is to strike out on my own. More than ever, the one thing I cannot do right now is spend more time with my parents. Working for myself will only take up more energy, but I believe the right opportunity will make everything happen.

Just have to be patient. Tomorrow I'll have some answers. It'll be an interesting test of the board.

composure

Scary. Today, I lost my temper while talking to an ex-employee of my company who is working for the company next door. This person did not get along with his supervisor and was transfered to the other company owned by some of the same investors.

The person left his desk a mess, so I had asked through his colleague to clean it up. It never got done. Then, the Secretary of the Board asked him to do so. She is also the wife of the main investor of both companies.

He came to me today and said that he cannot clean up the desk because none of the items belonged to him. Fine, I said, then just help the person who is taking over the task sort through everything and clear out the cubicle. He kept acting dumb and insisted loudly that he cannot clean up the area.

Unfortunately, I got sucked into this childish behavior and raised my voice as well. It went on for ten minutes. I even said that if he was more organized, then we would not have to even clean up the area (cheap shot, I know).

Luckily, I had to leave for a meeting, so I caved in and said that another employee and I will take care of it.

The reason why this person is still around is because he is married to another one of my co-worker whose father is an influential political figure in a foreign country. In any other company, this person would have been shown the pink slip long ago.

I am ashamed of myself too, since I lowered myself to his level. After working both days this past weekend, I am not at my best. Well, this is all behind me now.

The saddest part of all is that I pity his wife. To be married to someone that doesn't garner other people's respect...

live dangerously

My life is too easy, so I try to live on the edge by packing it in.

I have been working nonstop for the past 9 days. The trick to make it exciting and not dreadful is to do something fun every singel day. Sunday was an impromptu meal at home for a friend. Monday night was a last-minute dinner at Beldon Lane and dessert at Sweet Inspirations. Tonight was hitting the gym after a 2.5 hour community meeting which I am an appointed committee member.

Tomorrow is cooking dinner for 4. I have yet to shop at all. To get the freshest seafood, I will head to the market at 7am, when it opens and shop quickly. It'll be close as I have a 830 meeting every Wednesday.

What can add to the stress is the cleaning of the whole place and making sure that I have that one or two surprise element in the meal. There is something about serving something that people don't usually eat that adds to the finishing touch. For a while I was insistent about serving fresh pineapple b/c so few people ever eat the fresh ones at home. The fresh seafood is part of it. I don't claim to be a great cook, but I try to bring out the flavor in fresh food.

Of course, this is all happening the week that I have deposition prep and four after-work functions. I am learning to say no by cutting back Thursday and missing two night meetings. It is important to push back because then people understand that I do have limitations. I am going to visit a friend who is a stay-at-home mom and her young daughter. Someone else is cooking for me for a change!

Oh, and I am cooking the third meal on Friday. The best part is that the bathroom and floor are going to be clean, since I always clean right before company arrives. One secret to a good first impression is to polish all shinny surfaces!

choices

Having worked both Saturday and Sunday, the weekend felt short. Still, I was able to do almost everything on my list, from dragon boat practice to dancing to cooking dinner for a friend. The only regret is not driving to the East Bay to visit my mother.

I don't hold any negativity towards work because it's just a learning experience. In some ways, I have carved out all the time I need for my personal life. It's about being so organized that I plan for fun along with the work committments.

Take this week, I was scheduled to give two more bus tours after work, but I am going to bow out of the one on Thursday to go visit a friend and her baby daughter. I am going to take some heat for missing a community meeting that same evening, but I have already talked to people to cover for me.

I am very lucky that I am junior enough to still make these choices, but isn't the point of career stability so we can dictate our schedule? In the end, it's about being clear of my priorities. I know where I am going, and I am getting there on my terms.

bet everything

Sometimes you have to put all your chips on the table to find out the other party's hand.

Today, I finally confronted the person I have been causally dating for months. I risked it all and found the truth. To put it bluntly, we concluded that I have yet to rank above his friends. That was not something I was prepared to hear but had to hear to finally move on.

I am taking my own advice. It's either the man or the timeline. You either follow the man until he is ready, or you have to find someone who is ready when you are. I am finally ready for a partner, and this person is just not it. So I am once again, moving on.

circles

Last night, I took off work early, since I'll be working both Sat and Sun.

Went to check out First Thursday, the art gallery openings until 730 in downtown SF the first Thursdays of every month. Met up with my friend and his friends. My friend went to RISD (Rhode Island School of Design), and some of the people and artists there were alums. We picked one of the buildings that had about 20 galleries and went down floor by floor.

Even though I frequent museums, this is a totally different scene, complete with its own dress code. The crowd consisted of art students, buyers and artists. Then there were people like me, who dressed so conservatively in comparison that I actually stood out. It was fascinating to people watch. I had never seen so many men (many hetero) who put so much effort into their looks!

And the shoes!!

It was such a creative experience. The night confirmed my belief that to be my best I must learn from the world and seek out new scenes and make them my own. I hope to go back to the gallery openings in the next few months and dress more appropriately next time!

advice

The odd thing about advice is that it's someone else's opinion about how I should run my life.

Why would I take advice from someone else besides myself when no one knows me as well?

This is why I rarely takes other's advice. I suggest that you do the same and figure it out for yourself. Yes, it takes more effort, but the outcome will be entirely your own.

freedom

Feelin' free b/c I don't have to be anything except myself.

To fully accept myself means to allow myself to go with my whim. So what if it's not what YOU would do? So what if my choices don't seem right (to you)?

I have never been happier, yet more and more, I am meeting people who are weighted down by their worries.

Go ahead, dance around. Just like how I love to tear up the dance floor, I am quite enjoying this craziness of moving through life without a care in the world!

diversity

Had a conversation with a girlfriend last night who is always hard on herself. We even have a phrase for how she is: Shouda, Coulda, Woulda. She sometimes looks back at her past and regrets over what could have been.

I, on the other hand, looks forward. To me, the past happened already. Move on. Yes, I struggle with the present like anyone else, but I know that things will get better soon enough.

One thing that has helped me to cope with disappointments and challenges is diversity. By being exposed to so many different lifestyles and personalities ever since I was a kid, I know that my life is meant to have it own unique course.

Take wealth. Many people long for the life of the rich but really doesn't know all the responsibilities that come with wealth. I was fortunately to have witnessed the lives of several financially successful people through relatives and family friends. One fact of life that I learned before I was even ten was that wealthy people are not necessarily happier than the poor or the middle class.

Even though I strive for financial security like most people, I approach money very differently. I am fine with buying things second-hand or not eat out all the time if it means that I can have more free time.

By being with people who have money and those who don't have quite as much, I can see for myself what is it that I truly value.

Take many attorneys that I know. Many of them were enticed by the money and the prestige of the industry. Little did they know that the road to partnership is filled with long hours and overwhelming amount of work. It's also a profession that gives its workers so much money that it is not easy to walk away from the lifestyles of cleaning people and posh residents.

In the end, it's about one's values. There is no right or wrong values, since most people base their values on learned lessons and personal experience. Diversity does remind me that I have a lot more choices and don't have to settle for the obvious values, like marriage or wealth.

help oneself

Sometimes life goes up, sometimes it comes down.

It's been a very tough two weeks for my mother. For some reason, her empty-nest syndrome is in full force even though all three of us have left home for more than a couple of years.

One thing that is unique in my mother's life is that people have always catered to her. From her parents, friends, spouse and children, she is used to having people give into her every whim.

Unfortunately, the one exception is me. Keeping a very busy schedule has meant that I don't always see her or do everything for her that she needs. I subscribe to the air mask theory of giving. The airlines are always telling us to put the face mask on ourselves before helping others. I am selfish in that I can only give as much as I am whole, so that means I don't do as much for my mother as other people in her life.

It's just personality. I take pride in doing everything for myself and rely on people very rarely. For my mother, she has gotten used to people serving her and is having a hard time with the fact that there is not one person she can rely on any more. Even my father, who allowed my mother to sleep in when we were growing up (doesn't everyone's father make breakfast while the mother slept in?), is terminally ill and not always able to cater to her.

This episode of watching my mother's frustration has taught me that one must be flexible enough to adapt to change. Even though I am surrounded by friends and things to do in the City, there will be one day when I am more alone. The key is to stay one step ahead of one's circumstances.

clarity

When I see things for what they truly are
rather than what I wish them to be
or what I assume them to be,
that's when I have all the answers.

It's been absolutely the best weekend.

No, not all of my problems are solved,
but then, I don't have real problems in my life,
only facts that are not excepted fully.

Perhaps this is the power of the subconscious.
When we ask a question into the air,
the answers often take a while to appear.

What is needed is complete silence.
And faith.

I've always had the latter b/c of my intuition.
Now I also have stillness and clarity.

What is the most surprising is that one man
gave me the key to unlock the power within.

de-stress

After driving in crazy traffic and not getting enough sleep the whole weekend, I was all too glad to get home last night after my weekend in Tahoe.

The first thing was preparing a meal for my out-of-town guests. Something about the process of buying fresh food, figuring out a menu and actually cooking a full meal calmed me down instantly.

The minute I sniffed fruit at Safeway and peered at the seafood display, I felt rejuvenated. Nothing quite like the washing, chopping, marinating, seasoning and sauteeing the meats and vegetables to make me myself again.

Yes, life is about all this and many other simple things that make me happy!

unexpected wisdom

Went to Tahoe for the weekend. A blast. Nothing like getting away and doing nothing except eat and walk around.

In one conversation with my friend, he pointed out that some of us are attracted to people not quite right for us because we are just not ready to settled down.

I've always been honest with myself and others that I am not ready to settle down. Still, it was in that moment I see how silly I have been trying to have relationships with men who couldn't be bothered.

Just like that, I am no longer going to force any relationship on anyone. At the same time, I am going to stay aways from people who expect too much from me. Or at least just be politely refuse their well intentions.

small victories

Yesterday, my GM asked me to review a new contract with our environmental consultants. My company is in litigation, and our attorneys have asked the environmental consultants for additional services.

After reviewing the contract, I e-mailed the GM on why the fee for litigation work is 50% more than their regular fee. The main environmental consultant was already the top-billing person from that company.

The GM then directly forwarded my e-mail to the VP at environmental consulting company...

This morning, I received an e-mail from the VP: they are knocking off the increase and billing us the regular rate. Yeah!

This incident follows a similar event two month ago. I urged the GM in June to challenge a summer associate's billing b/c summer associates tends to bill excessively due to the steep learning curve. After continually checking in with the GM, the GM finally pushed the partner for an answer. We were able to slash that associate's billing by half. Yet another victory for the company.

More than ever, I feel absorbed by work. It's not a bad thing, since I am still getting to do all the fun things in my life... Life feels lucky.

dark side

So I am trying to explain the last blog entry to a friend, and it occurred to me that this friend is just too nice to understand.

Having a dark side means making unpopular choices and taking big risks. It's rejecting the conventional choices and mocking the assumptions.

The dark side is also all about being overly sensitive and seeing the danger of not questioning everything.

I have worked hard to cultivate my lifestyle. I value the abrupt starts and stops in almost every area of my life. By changing careers and romantic partners, I can decide for myself what is right and what is next.

For all the people I have stepped on or cast aside, I do apologize. However, for those who have kept up the intellectual and emotional ping-pong, the best is still ahead. We may not always agree, but in showing you my dark side, we are the best of friends.

heart ache

By spending so much time of late with people who are supportive, it is now easy to identify people who just cannot accept me for who I am.

As much as these relatives and friends mean to me, I have to limit my time with them.

I blame myself for being overly sensitive, but there is no need to wonder about matters that cannot be helped.

In the past, I just let the pressures built up. Now, thanks to more time with people who can accept me unconditionally, I can let go of the ties that bind.

Some people are just not meant to be part of the journey forward.

turn off

Went to a b-day party last night. It was in the lounge area of a restaurant and was mellow. Got to really talk to people without having to shout too much, so that was nice.

Despite the laid-back atmosphere, one guy and one woman stood out in my mind b/c they were intense. Specifically, they were more close-minded.

The guy and I were talking about his new home in SOMA. I mentioned that DNA Lounge, right by his place, was a cool place. Immediately, he commented that the club was grungy, as if the place reaked. I tried to explain why I liked the place, but his overwhelming dislike for the place dominated the conversation.

Okay, see you later sir...

A few minutes later, I was talking to this woman. It turns out that we met at a pool party a month before. I made the connection b/c I rarely go down to the South Bay, so I knew I must have met her at one of the two times I was down there this year.

She didn't recognize me because my hair was different. I joked that my hair only look this good when I get out of the salon, where I was a few hours before the party. She immediately commented that I could make my hair look that way, but I was just lazy and unwilling to make my hair look good. It was so shocking to be accused of being lazy that I was defensive. Still, I managed to laugh it off and change the subject.

Then I remembered her once again, with this hostile attitude at the pool party...

Despite these incidents, the party was fun! I caught up with a few friends and met some new people. Still, the negative experiences stood out because I hope to always give people a positive experience. I believe one of the fundamental duties of being human is to bring joy to others' lives by accepting them unconditionally.

For those times when I judged you or made you uncomfortable. I apologize. I promise that I will continue to strive to be a delightful person, especially to all of you that I care so much about!!

i have a big head

Work is busier than ever, but for some reason, I am enjoying it.

Life is back to having fun and loving life.

It is as if the stress of the previous six months have disappeared.

There is a certain clarity, and I feel invincible right now.

This must be how fighters are in a ring, taunting the opponent. C'mon, show me what you've got!

time for everything

Monday 6pm - restaurants that take reservations - I tend to avoid SF restaurants Fri and Sat night - why deal with the crowd, the noise and the temp staff who has not tried everything on the menu?

Tuesday 8am - the best time to go to Safeway - most stocking clerks start their shifts around this time, so this is the best time to get produce at Safeway. the seafood department is open as well. perfect time to pick up fresh seafood for the home-made meals that night

Wednesday 730am - golf ranges - both Presidio and San Bruno are open at 7 but never has any crowd b/c people are commuting. it's possible to hit 70 balls and still get to work by 9! Presidio is closed Tuesday until noon

Wednesday 7pm - public library/book stores - reading at night is a luxury, and you can hit the main library until 8 Tues, Wed, Thurs or borders until 11 or midnight most nights. all these places have cafes in case you need something sweet to go with your book or magazine

Thursday 7pm - museums - most have late nights on Thursdays, and it's usually discounted

Thursday 8pm - Costco - b/c it closes at 830, and they stock everything for the weekend (Fri evening and Sat are the worst times to go)

Friday 630pm - climbing gym - ladies night are never as popular as they should be, so avoid the crowds and save $ ladies! first Fri of the month at the Touchstone gyms and first and third Fri at Planet Granite gyms

Friday 930pm - SOMA Trader Joe's - this location closes at 10, but not a lot of people take advantage (Sat and Sun are the worst times to go)

Saturday 7pm - gym - while everyone is waiting for a table or looking for parking, you can pump away and get a head start in your endorphin production before the night out on the town

Sunday 930am - Civic Center farmers' market - don't have the same cachet as Ferry's Building, but getting a week's grocery for $15 is worth it. restricted parking for the trucks unloading ends at 930, so you'll always find parking on Hyde

social pressure

As much as I love my friends, sometimes I have to remove myself from the social circles to avoid the pressures.

Life is not about obtaining the same identical goals. What makes most people happy may not be what I am looking for from men, career and self.

The reasons why I value people who are so different is that they are actually more open-minded to let me be me.

Looking forward to meeting many, many more different-minded people for the next few years as I continue to enjoy the single life.

joy

What gives me the most joy in life is perfect balance. Reaching that state of near perfection is why this is the best year yet.

There is not one thing or one person in my life that means everything, except my sense of self.

By adding my health, my work, my family, my friends and all the things that I do for fun, my life is complete.

At the same time, if any one thing goes wrong, I have all the other parts to remind me that sometimes life goes up and then it comes down. It is all part of the rhythm of life.

The best part is that getting older means lots of practice to achieve balance. I finally have the experience to appreciate my reality.

this is how

How do I meet so many people?

Being outgoing helps, but following through is the key. Whenever I meet a cool person, I try to spend some time one-on-one with that person to get to know them.

Last Saturday night, I met a girl who was very together. You know, the type that is kind of serious at first but funny once you get to know her. She asked if I would join a dragon boat team for a race in late September.

At first, I fully rejected the idea but offered to invite other women for her. As the week wore on, I realized that this is a chance to get to know her and her group of friends better. Besides, the time committment is minimal, 2 hours for 3 weekends and then the morning of the race.

As life settles into a routine, it takes more effort to do something different. Life does present plenty of opportunity at every turn. It's up to us to say why not.

finding the one, part 2

Just as my right brain contradicts with my left brain, my other theory on finding the right partner is all about the head and not the heart.

It has to do with our history.

More and more, I am convinced that respecting our identiy from our family history is key to happiness. Just as learning about our genetics can improve our health, understanding the family tree can lead to the one.

According to one of my favorite books, A General Theory of Love (Lewis, Amini and Lannon), we often end up with people who are similar to the parent that we don't get along with because we are trying to resolve some unfinished business. Of course, those relationships are never completely fulfilling just as we rarely come to terms with one or both parents.

Perhaps finding the one is all about checklists, but not for our partners, but for ourselves. If I know that my social life is very important to me, how will someone compliment that nonstop schedule. The conclusion: this is not the right time to have someone in my life!

In the end, Part 1 and 2 are the same. It is all about looking inward and knowing who we are at the core and how to surround ourselves with the people who allow us to grow. The trick is to assess those people with our intuititon and not our feelings or other people's opinions.

finding the one, part 1

Some people carry around their checklist or some loose preferences for the person they want to end up with. Fortunatley, these lists are constantly edited, so there are usually some accuracy in the lists.

I offer a simpler method for finding the one: be your own best company.

Spend an entire Sunday afternoon by yourself (phone calls allowed). Take up a simple activity that you have always enjoyed but wish for more of. Being outdoors? Reading? Surfing (web or on water!)? Shopping? The only two requirements are that 1. you must not have company and 2. you are actively engaged with yourself. You must be able to ask yourself at any given point what/when/where/how. It can even be work, excep this should be a peripheral project.

For instance, I went to a condo project site today to take some photos. Our overseas animation creators did not accurately depict the surrounding waterfront property. I had to decide what, when, where, and how to take the pictures. The pace was perfect, and I cannot complain about being on a state park on a Sunday afternoon.

At the end of the project, there is a certain satisfaction of accomplishment. More importantly, I achieved a state of ease. I am lucky to have often arrived at this point, and more so as I have gotten older. It is almost zen-like not because of my accomplishment, but because of how I led myself through a conscious yet almost-effortless process.

The same should be said about being with the one. Being with the right person is all about being comfortable and being at ease but with a sense of purpose.

It appears that many people confuse lust with this sense of well being. I myself made the mistake in the past in thinking that the right person is going to add excitement to my life. That is usually inevitable because of lust (how do you think the human species has endured?!).

One fallacy in using lust as a measurement of compatibility is that it does not last.

What does endure is compatibility through our mental engagement and some inexplicable ease that comes from the confidance of accomplishing something great.

Relationships are not easy, but it should not be frustrating. We should be with people who make us optimistic and joyful, especially if this person is to be our romantic partner, no matter for how long.

The reason that it is so hard for people to be in the right relationship with someone is because they have yet to relate to themselves completely. I have a long way to go despite my fortunate of being able to accept myself. Perhaps when I can completely let go of the attachment out of fear of not being loved, I will find my true love.

tone of voice

Last night, I was relaxing and watching TV when a friend called to go drinking. I answered b/c I thought about going out. Somehow, the tone of the invitation (demanding) and the shows I was watching (recording one and surfing 4 others) made it seem better to just stay home.

I knew I made the right decision when I had to sound negative and very tired about staying home. If this person was a true friend, he wouldn't have given me such a hard time for staying in.

Then, an hour later, another friend texted about having a drink. It was completely different tone. The person started the message apologizing in case he woke me up. Timing. The shows were over, and I was just about to head to bed.

It turned out to be a great night.

I cannot help but notice tone more and more in my everyday life. It makes me almost want to record myself to make sure I am always my most charming self. Regardless of what the message is, I should always speak with care and grace.

It still amazes me how much I am changing ever since last December...

have it your way

One of the most positive externality to dedicating more to work is the clarity it gives my personal life.

The realization that work will always be there (and thus I can only do my best but not stress over it) means that no decision in my personal life will be all that bad.

I just have to relax and enjoy the ride. Just like work is now play, my personal life is more fun than ever. It is all up to me, but I am willing to let kindred spirits lift mine.

This is, indeed, a wonderful Friday. Cheers.

be true to oneself

Envy is one emotion that I rarely experience, yet it is the one emotion that sells. By creating a desire for someone else's lifestyle, the market can open the consumers' wallet.

Advertisers try to influence consumer behavior by creating a desirable image. The group that seems the best target is the teens. What other group needs to belong so desparately and can use material goods to identify themselves.

That same desire to belong can also be seen in other areas for other demographic groups. Women hitting 30 often face social pressure to marry. Men have always been judged by their EP, earning potential.

After years of being told what to do by parents, peers, advertisers and the entertainment industry, is it any wonder that we even know who we are any more?

I tend not to want what other people have, since my creative outlet is being one of a kind in the way I dress. It does take more time and energy to buy things second-hand and to reject trends that are not me. It is also fun.

The same holds true for my lifestyle. By not identifying with one particular group, I have the freedom to be with whoever I want and whenever I want. Perhaps it is also a consequence of age. At this point, my value comes from just being myself all the time.

Of course, the number one rule to being true to oneself is to not have expectations (note that expectations are different from goals). Trying to get somewhere rather than to enjoy the journey is always a guarantee to disappointment.

plug

Making my heart race:
http://www.teslamotors.com

monday again

It's Monday, and I am back to this thing called work.

Lately, work has been going well. Hard to believe that I not only overcame the stress of work but also embraced it completely.

I have three major roles at work:
1. in-house counsel - manage our on-going lawsuit with a neighbor for environmental contamination. Damages seeked: $100M
2. PR - represent the company in our current three development projects: condos, TOD (transit-oriented development) and retail/commercial.
3. operations manager - improve our day-to-day operations, from HR, to IT, to file management. Basically, do all the things that the other managers and the GM don't have time to do.

On occasion, I answer the phones.

It's a perfect fit. The fact that I practiced law makes it easy to read the endless pleadings. My stunt at the LA Redevelopment Agency makes the PR second nature. I also worked part-time as a personal assistant to a busy attorney while in law/grad school, so I know exactly what it takes to get things done. I was even a part-times receptionist during college.

Everything happens for a reason, and the more I embrace every situation, the more I am able to be in the moment and realize my destiny. Not sure where this is all leading to, but it feels perfect right now.

partnership

Lately, when I hear of an engagement, the topics that follow are usually the details of the wedding planning: all the troubles that you have to go through just to say "I do."

I was married once but skipped all the formalities by having a private affair for 12, 14 counting the 2 cousins who crashed last-minute. The simplicity was due to time constraints, but I still feel lucky for not having to survive an expensive, exhausting ordeal.

These costly productions that run in the high five-digits are not what I believe in any more. Today, I joked to my girlfriends that I plan to find a partner and not a husband.

One of my mother's best friends had a life partner for the entire time I knew her. Their partnership was to be admired, overcoming stepchildren, lived-in in-laws and diverse cultures. They only married when his terminal illness required that legality. To me, that story shows how society is still out of step with the reality of how people connect.

As much as I look forward to finding someone I can be with indefinitely, I never try to examine a romantic interest as whether that person can be the one. Dating is all about having fun, and the pressure of that person have to play a certain role in another's life kills the mood.

Perhaps we should all strive for a great partnership and let marriage take place as it is necessary. This way, we can take lots of fabulous vacations with our partners and enjoy the honeymoon period before we have to think about ceremony sites or cutting the guestlist.

value

The chairman of my company is at the office for about one week each month. One of the brightest people, but also a workaholic. He has teenage kids, but he only sees them for one or two weeks at a time.

We had our usual check in this past Friday. He was telling me the story of how he worked for the richest man in Taiwan at one point, and that guy worked longer than the chairman himself.

It was a moment of disconnect. Even though I am finally enjoying what I am doing, I had an epiphany that I cannot stay with the company for more than two years. The chairman was trying to inspire me by telling me how much he values working.

Having been unemployed for two years is truly a blessing in disguise. I strive for the perfect balance of work, self and social worlds and know exactly what I have to do in each area. On the whole, I know I work harder on my spirituality than most people and need more than just one thing to be happy.

Although I love to work hard and is starting to see the rewards of my six months of hard work, I don't intend on giving up my life outside work. It is the fun and the knowledge in my personal life that give me the energy to work hard. It is the spirituality and the conneciton to others that give me the inspiration to do my best.

I have never been and will probably never be the richest or the most famous person, but for now, I am at my happiest.

recipes

Last weekend's outting with my visitors deserves a record.

Fri evening: happy hour at Hayes Valley. Got a ride to and from a friend, since it's hard to park around there. New tip: plenty of street parking on Gough farther north, around lower Pac Heights. Less density around Gough/Geary.

Fri night: decided to cook at home. Try not to eat out in SF on Fri and Sat nights. Between the high cost of labor and the eat-out culture, there is always a wait (even with reservations), and the service is dismal. I made dinner in 30 minutes, and it was relaxing. The secret is to have one or two ingredients that people don't usually have. Menu was unagi (the frozen kind that you just microwave), rice, and salad complete with fresh dressing (balsamic vinegar, olive oil AND honey).

Fri night: cab to and from club. No point driving and parking if the club is a mile away. Tip: always say hi to the promotor. If he recognizes you, your entire party of four (better if all women) might get comped.

Sat: Take the bus to Chinatown. A must b/c there is something going on in this town that always plugs up Embarcadero. Funny that we usually give ourselves plenty of time when taking public transportation but end up rushing if driving.

Walk to Northbeach for lunch - reservations a must when hitting tourist attractions. Walk off lunch by shopping at Chinatown. Head to Northbeach Jazz Festival - FREE! Take bus back down to Meteron. Go to top floor to check out best view of MOMA and downtown skyline (it's the sunniest view). Cross and go to St. Regis to lounge out at the public space. It's a shame that they hid the public space, so you have to take the elevator to get to. Rare to be in downtown and out on a "private" deck.

Proceed to bus home. Tip: at the end of the day, pick the bus line that is the most frequent rather than the closest one. Walking that extra 5 minutes is better than waiting that extra 20 minutes.

Sat night: More home cooking after a quick trip to Korean market. See rule above. We had miso soup with enoki mushrooms, steamed fish, chives with chicken, store-prepared clear noodles, and wine. Cost of dinner given that I already had the wine and chicken: $8 for 3 people. It's silly math: it is always cheaper for me to feed 3-4 people than to eat out for 1. Being generous always make sense.

Regardless of what we did, it was all about the company. Feel lucky b/c I always have good people in my life to inspire the fun.

and the winner is...

No, my company has yet to pick the winning environmental attorneys for our major project. It's the final round of interviews.

Today, we interviewed Team #1 which was led by the attorney I have a crush on. I happen to sit across from him again, and what a sight!

When he spoke, I cannot help but admire his complete honesty and passion about his work. It's so refreshing to meet someone who absolutely believes in his work and moves me with his pride and knowledge.

Of course, at the same time, I am noticing that he has these stubbles on the side of his face that is just inviting me to run my hands over the face. Deadly combination. Good thing I reminded myself that someone else has that honor now.

A friend asked me over the weekend what I am looking for in a guy. The list changes over time. One characteristic that has not changed is that I am attracted to people who I want to emulate. This attorney has the career that I never had. He is at the top of his game and relish in every moment. I want not only be my best but also possess that power to move others. To win at work is not to wait for superiors' approval or to get the desired result. The prize is the ability to always do the right thing b/c my gut tells me so. This week has been so fun at work because everything I am doing feels absolutely right. Getting the result is just the wink that I am on the right track.

luck

Given that gratitude is the only scientifically-proven link to happiness, let me take a moment to thank my lucky stars.

All my life, I have been able to find kindred spirit, and that has made all the difference in my optimism.

The commonality among all the positive influences is that these special people tend not to stay long in my life.

For instance, even though I am incredibly close to my parents and siblings, they are not always around. My parents split their time b/t the US and abroad. My sister is currently living in another state, and my brother is usually buried in his research or spending time with his financee.

Still, that sense of being loved never goes away even when I am alone.

Same with friends and lovers. They are only meant to be in my life for a few moments at a time. I know better now than to expect life-long connections.

This sense that I will always be on my own has been innate since I was 6. Now that I can fully understand it I can fully realize my destiny. I am not here to find the one or to belong to groups. I shall use my time alone to be my best.

work it

After six months, I am finally settled into work. It was the first time in six months that I am not physically stressed out about work. Instead, my life outside work is back to normal. I am having fun again.

I do think about work a lot, while I am working. Every issue is a problem that I am solving to gain experience for future challenges. Yes, it's also a means to an end, and I get paid enough to live in SF.

At the same time, I want to conserve energy and not sweat the small stuff. As much as I am dedicated to my career, I also know that my health and my spirituality come first. As long as I have my priorities straight, everything will work themselves out.

There is also the constant learning. Today, I was trying to schedule the final interview for environmental attorneys, and I made the mistake of scheduling the team for the wrong date. At first, I was very upset about doing something wrong, but then I had to laugh at the fact that I would make a terrible secretary.

One of the reasons that work is going better and better is because I have to do some grunt work, and I don't mind it. I have had about 25 jobs since college. In law school, I even worked as a part-time assistant for an attorney. All that work experience means that I never take it for granted. Anyone who complains about work needs to be unemployed for more than six months. Check that off my life experience list as well.

The biggest difference between today and six months ago is my expectations. I no longer dream of anything because I have that in my personal life. Work is about learning and growing and getting better at it every day.