the journey inward

Talking to my supervisor yesterday, I remarked that my parents don't want me too work too hard. They are always telling me to relax. He replied that his mother is the opposite, always pushing him to do more.

As adults, why do we still let our parents tell us what to do?

Ever since I was a kid, I hated when people would tell me what to do. I was a rebellious child at 6 years old. I remember having shouting matches with my mother before I even started grade school.

Despite all the frustration, it was good training. Now, I figure out for myself exactly what I want and go after it. Sure, many of my goals are not the most popular, but they are what my gut tells me to be the right things.

It also makes it a lot easier to befriend people who are different. I am never quite sure of my goals until I get closer to that point, so I am very open to other people's lifestyles. This is how I end up with friends ranging from professor in Fullerton to business owner in Arizona to graduate student in New York. I need that diversity in my life to introduce me to my next passion.

The journey to my true self has been exhilerating although lonely at times. Maybe that's why I am so attracted to men who are good at keep their own company. To me, they are the most interesting people.

It's that balance of being with others and being by oneself. We need others for inspiration, but we also need a lot of time alone to cultivate ideas.

One noticeable difference since the new job is the lack of time to dream. Despite a good routine, I am finding it harder to change myself for the better. Living is a never-ending game, I must keep experimenting and carry out my destiny.

So the new mission is to always find that time for my inner self.

try this experiment

Intuition. It's a skill that you have to learn to be good at, but few of us are encouraged to trust our instincts.

Like learning a new sport, it takes a few falls. Once you learn the thrill of trusting yourself, there is no turning back.

When it comes to dating, I trust my gut completely. Sure, it's good to look at someone's education, profession, height, weight, car, etc., but a lot of those characteristics can change over time. They are more about a person's past rather than that person's soul.

If I am looking for my soul mate, why focus on the facts when my heart knows whether he is Mr. Right? Okay, so I am more about Mr. Right-Now than Mr. Life Partner at this moment, but it's also intutition that tells me when it is time to move on and prevents me from getting hurt.

Logic and thinking is great, but in the game of love/lust, they get in the way. Try this, next time someone catches your eye or make your heart skip a beat, just smile. That very act of acknowledging the person (even if just to yourself), will give you enough endorphin to last a couple of hours!

just like that

I've been having a lot of get-togethers, both dinners at my place and going out with friends. It's perfect timing because there were plenty of opportunity to vent - free therapy.

After the 30th time of describing what's bothering me about work, those issues don't seem so bad. The act of story telling is the process of gaining control of the situation. By repeatedly describing the story to different people, I gain separation and then the perspective I need to tackle the problem.

That's why it's so important to have people who can lend an ear. Now I finally understand why my parents have so many friends and taught me the value of friendship...

priorities

Once again, I am sitting on the floor, typing, b/c I didn't get around to hooking up the wireless hub.

Had yet another group dinner tonight. By the time I saw everyone out, cleaned up and the wine had set in, it's time to get ready for bed. Well, in this case, getting my second wind b/c I still have a couple of unresolved issues that keep my mind running.

Some people worry, but worrying is too inefficiency for me. I just wait for my intuition to instruction me on what's next. I firmly believe in the power of the subconscious. Everything always works out, but it does take patience for the answers to reveal themselves.

Two big question of the moment: 1. to switch job? and 2. how to improve the quasi-relationship I am in?

I can do it

Whatever happened to the woman from the WWII poster with her arm flexed?

I mentioned to my co-worker that I have yet to set up my wireless hub, and he suggested that I get some guy to come help me set it up.

Regardless of my technical saviness (I can read a manual if necessary!), the thought to ask for help on most things has never crossed my mind. It's 2006, a woman can do anything that the a man can do.

In fact, I think 90% of relatonship problems, especially marital ones, will go away if people are simply more competent. The solution to improving relationships is for both parties to be better at doing everything. If everyone handles stress well, stays healthy, has a balanced life, then most of the conflicts between people can be resolved by agreeing on the best solution.

If the top three relationship arguments are money, childrearing and religion, then science can surely solve most of the issues.

I definitely need to work on my time management skills before I can tackle a serious relationship again. After all, I am typing this sitting on the floor b/c my laptop is tied to DSL unit. Got to install that wireless hub tonight!

life rule #1: fear not

The best reason to fear nothing is because our worst fears are often realized. Fears are often realized to test us. Afraid that you will be single forever? Likely that your relationships do not last. Scared that you will not do well professionally? Probably means that you have many career setbacks.

After living as one big chicken, I just got tired of the same fear and doh moments. Instead, I just plunge into life with a big splash, just to try something different. The reason why I am so different from my early 20s is that I don't pay attention to my fears any more.

Try it, the liberation of focusing on the present is one major source of my energy.

I have a hunch that our secret thoughts are linked to the universe some how, so why make our fears come true? Why not just enjoy the moment and let fears be little ripples rather than giant waves?

that's what friends are for

In the recent struggle with work, I turned to my friends.

Each person, remembering their own struggles, gave sincere advice. The tremendous care and support pulled me out of my rut.

No, the problems at work have not gone away, but my attitude has changed. I now see that the trials of work and life will always challenge me, so it's up to me to accept my fate and solve every problem, with a little help from my friends.

Thanks everyone. :)