no need to explain

Got several feedbacks that my blog has not been inspiring of late. All this effort to date and nothing.

My apologies. ;) Don't mean to repeat the same formula: go out, try, and nada. Life is like that. Looking at the surface can be defeating and makes you wonder: why bother?

Upon closer examination though, the real meaning surfaces. A good debate tonight with an older female friend (I have several, this one is in her late 50s) clarified why I am not receptive to love quite just yet.

I had unresolved feelings for someone I dated last year. He is no longer into me, but I believed that a connection still exists. Somehow, his independence, his quirkiness, and the je-ne-sais-quoi drew me to him time after time. Rather than just let the kite go, I insisted on making it a romantic connection. No can do.

We still have e-mail exchanges, but they are initiated by me and answered with politeness from him. He and I are not friends, so why not move on?

What he has been is an ideal that kept me from getting involved and getting hurt until I am ready. This week, I finally let go. Like Mr. TO, this will just be another chapter that gives me hope on finding real love.

Yes, M, I admit it, I am looking for love.

knowing one's fate

It's technically "tomorrow", so I am going to post again, bur for the new day. :D

Had to talk about how knowing my fate has comforted me. By now, most of you know that my dad is an amature fortune teller who is very accurate. He correctly predicted that I would divorce and that I will settle down in my late 30s. I am only 32 right now.

Anyways, the proof of his wisdom is due to the numerous disasterous dating experiences of the last 4 years of singlehood. If it wasn't for Dad, I would seriously be depressed.

The latest not-meant-to-be: A guy contacted me online back in May when I was on a dating site, but dismissed him b/c he was geographically-undesirable (back when I only wanted to date men who lived in the City). He actually wrote again b/c we had a mutual friend who suggested that we go out.

Of course, back then being more than 20 minutes away seemed tough, so I never followed up.

Fast forward to last night. Our mutual friend invited him to a small celebration (some friends passed the CFA, and one friend just got engaged!), so I had no idea he was coming out.

OMG! The guy was cool and attractive. His goodness was so evident that I couldn't wait to get to know him better. I asked my friend about him today, and of course, there was a catch. He just started to date someone recently.

DOH!!! I am so bummed. I cannot believe that this is like the sixth nice guy I have met in the last year where some unfortunate factor (usually another woman) just made it not so. Actually, it's been more he's-not-into-me than anything else. Image-control, but I'll save that for another entry...

Good thing I know about my destiny, or else I would really be hating life right now. Instead, it makes for great practice to spot the good guys from the jerks (don't even get me started on that roster!!). I now can confidently say that I am looking for a man whose heart makes him handsome, and I know exactly what that looks like now.

So I wait. One day, there will be that one guy who is confident, generous, gentlemanly, relaxed, and into me. So, I wait. And wait. And wait. There's plenty of time because we were probably connected in prior lives already. In the meanwhile, let's have some fun! ;)

hedging

Lamented to a friend tonight on how several guys recently act disinterested in the beginning of the date and only open their hearts (and wallets) when I entertain them enough through wit and humor...

She told me that's called hedging. Apparently the trend of coffee or drinks are a way for guys not to invest a great deal in case the date doesn't work out.

Ironic, but a great date can only happen if both parties are willing to dive right in and invest full attention. I have had many first dates where the guys make it clear early on that they are not thrilled about paying for me. That's all fine by me, but implicitly in the unwillingness to pay is also an emotionally guarded self that influence the other person's interest.

I try not to look at the money issue and have ruined more than one first date by paying for myself, but I think the subconscious result of hedging is the fear that this might not work out.

Given that I take risks in all areas of my life, I am quite carefree on the first date. It's fun when the guy can get carried away by me and enjoy that complete acceptance I try to give everyone in my life. Still, I always notice when the fear of rejection or a bad date lurks behind the guy's behavior on dates.

Maybe that's why the jerks/bad boys always get the woman. They are offering the same freedom that I try to give the men.

Still, having hedged a couple of times myself, it's not noble behavior. Ahh, karma.

diversity

Besides having progressive parents, another lucky aspect of my childhood was the diverse characters. Surprising b/c I grew up in a homogeneous culture. Still, I knew so many unconventional adults growing up, especially women, that I don't think too much about the shoulds.

Why should women get married and have children when I knew some who were quite happy in their own unique situations?

Why should a woman look to others for approval when many females in my childhood were independent AND well respected?

I just don't know what fate has planned for me, and I am adventurous enough to not know exactly what is going to happen. I love how all the individuals I keep meeting remind me that I must staying on my own unbeaten path.

being oneself

Having been different my entire life, I don't ever try to conform. It drives my mother crazy, but as I asked her, what should I do differently if I am happy?

More than ever, I feel free because I waste very little time and energy wondering how far I am from my goals. Sometimes I wonder about people who are completely driven by their goals. How do you let life unfold otherwise? What fun is knowing you will get to certain places?

I feel very driven, but it's to always live in the moment. My most defined goal is to be happy, and I have obtained that almost on a daily basis. More than ever, happiness comes from enjoying the world and the people around me.

Whether it is hosting a big party or reading a good book, I have found my peace.

So what's next??