hidden treasure

Even though I questioned your feelings for me,
All doubts are set aside.

You are here for me, and
Have been there for me.

In your own way, you care.
I know because I am happier.

Unexpectedly,
You are changing me for the better.

I don't know what the future holds, but
Like I told you, I don't expect anything.

I do not expect because
The present is more than enough.

We have the present, and
It is mighty sweet.

the answer to my questions

It turns out that the answer I was looking for wasn't an answer at all.

It was a question, or rather, several questions.

I sat in a project meeting today, and my director asked: how are we going to make the deal work? (Let's just say that the answer includes how to resolve a 8-digit lawsuit.) Then, it dawned on me that this is the heart of my work now - problem solving.

Rather than focusing on the day-to-day getting things done, my job is all about how to make these multi-million/billion dollar projects come to life. All of a sudden, the minute details of dissatisfied co-workers seem less of an issue.

True, my own emotional responses have not gone away (neither has my neck strain), but now I have several purposes. First, to learn enough for the future. Two, to solve these big problems.

soul searching

Still coming to terms with work. I thought about the incredible opportunity to learn (one of the project is one of the largest development projects in the Bay Area) versus the stress. Rather than being caught up in the emotions, I am trying to focus on what I can control.

My motto to go with my gut does not work well because I am so distracted by all of my co-workers' frustration. People’s ability to vent speaks to the unprofessional atmosphere. I wonder if it’s the Chinese. Do those of us who speak Mandarin behave too casually with one another? Maybe. It also has to do with the way that the major investors of the company treats the staff as their own assistants.

More than ever, my personal life is so vital to my happiness. By having my life to anchor me, I am slowly figuring out how to deal with the unexpected pressures. I believe in fate, so the fact that I am doing four people’s job in a 50-hour week should not faze me. I need to be mindful that this job is a choice. I love to work and relish in my sense of accomplishment.

The emotional and physical reactions are instinctive reactions to the information from the outside world that may or may not have valid basis. Rather than trying to have all the answers, I need to do what I can to be productive.

Even though my masseuse and I discussed a job change, I know that there is still much to learn. Given that one big dream is to build affordable housing units (condos or apartments), I need to be here to learn the entire process. With four development projects, I will get to that point of striking out on my own faster. I rather learn the lessons now than later, when a grant may depend on my expertise.

It was a good day. Doing simple things tonight remind me that I do intend to create a strong work identity because I want to earn respect through my work. Like my father, I want my work to have an impact on the world and to be identified through my contribution.

aches

In a world where everyone, except my parents, is encouraging me to tackle the biggest challenge, I found another supporter of getting out of my super-stressful job: my body. I get massages as a way to check in every month, and today, my body was so bent out of shape.

The scariest part was that I didn’t even know that I was that stressed until I felt the tension nearly choking me. The weight of my stiff and tense back muscles crushed me as they refuse to give in to the therapy.

Unlike my romantic relationship which is improving by the week, work is getting worse because I can feel everyone else’s frustration. As much as I appreciate everyone confiding in me, I did not get my graduate degrees in therapy! So tonight, I browsed and e-mailed myself some job postings. It doesn't hurt to see what's out there...for the sake of my health!

leading man

Last night, two of my friends introduced me to salsa. What an experience! It was the first time that the instruction of “let the man lead” was repeated to me for the entire night. The only people more awkward than me trying to let the guy lead were the men who are not used to taking the lead.

At one point, a guy was asking me if his dance moves were right. It wasn’t quite right, but I didn’t know if I was the right person to correct him. After just one hour of following, I was quite comfortable in being the passive follower!

A very fun time though. Where else can I dance with all these strange men (and some of them were a bit odd)? I am still not quite sure if instructional dancing is for me, and I have to be more skilled to decide whether I enjoy having a dance partner (especially one that leads the whole time). Hum...