The best thing about dating in my 30s is that I have zero pressure. I am not looking for romance, financial support, or even marriage. Been through all of those things, and if they happen again, great. If not, I'll probably be even better because that means I will be persuing something of great value too.
More than ever, my gut directs my actions. Being completely in touch with my instincts means there are no mistakes. I do what I belive to be right and follow my sixth sense.
This weekend, I managed to go to the East Bay and back to SF twice. Once via BART and once driving. I played 2 sports, saw my family twice, went to a picnic, washed the car, cooked dinner for a friend, saw a movie and read a book. It was a blast. Still, someone asked how I got all that energy. I realized that is the very reason to trust one's instinct.
By not following the rules or worrying about how my life is following the "right" path, I am able to move easily between all my committments and all my priorities.
The same cannot be said for work. I am wasting so much energy at work because I am using my logic rather than my gut to move forward in work. It's time to set aside the rules in working and get back to that ease I had at the last job. From the minute I submitted my resume to the day I gave notice, I moved in warped speed by paying attention to the signals from the people and the environment. It was not entirely luck that my last day was when a significant group gave notice to leave the company too. By staying in touch with many ex-co-workers, I know that my departure was at the right time.
Being in the present is something I am good at, but I let the pretension and the culture of my current work encourage me to look behind all too often. It's time to be myself and not let others tell me who I am.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Thursday, June 15, 2006
beyond my control
Today, a co-worker yelled so loudly at another co-worker that two managers on the other side of the office (about 30 feet away) came over to calm him down.
If I work in a regular office, that person would be sent immediately to anger-management class or perhaps fired. Of course, I work in an office where many staff members, including myself, came through the back door. Thus, nothing more than some scolding by everyone, and the guy is off the hook.
Ironically, even though I joined the company to make a difference (and I am proud of my work thus far), I just make matters worse by enforcing the culture of favoritism.
I finally realized that my biggest critics are the people above me. There is some resentment that it took me no time to get here while many toiled for years. Guess being able to hide my scars behind my optimism makes others see me as a princess.
If I work in a regular office, that person would be sent immediately to anger-management class or perhaps fired. Of course, I work in an office where many staff members, including myself, came through the back door. Thus, nothing more than some scolding by everyone, and the guy is off the hook.
Ironically, even though I joined the company to make a difference (and I am proud of my work thus far), I just make matters worse by enforcing the culture of favoritism.
I finally realized that my biggest critics are the people above me. There is some resentment that it took me no time to get here while many toiled for years. Guess being able to hide my scars behind my optimism makes others see me as a princess.
time to chill
My workout buddy came to the gym very late this morning. She got caught behind an accident on the way to the gym. She came into the weights area to tell me that she was heading striaght to the shower.
Not knowing if there was anything I could do, I offered to buy her some bagels from the shop upstairs. It's her favorite, so I know that would cheer her up. By the time she got ready, she was diffused. We still got our girls talk in. Even though I was a few minutes late to work, I knew it was the right call.
This morning was another reminder that when things don't go your way, it's time to stop and chill and get back to your center.
Not knowing if there was anything I could do, I offered to buy her some bagels from the shop upstairs. It's her favorite, so I know that would cheer her up. By the time she got ready, she was diffused. We still got our girls talk in. Even though I was a few minutes late to work, I knew it was the right call.
This morning was another reminder that when things don't go your way, it's time to stop and chill and get back to your center.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
encouragement
After the regular weekly team meeting today, our PR consultant stayed after to speak with me privately. He and I reviewed our upcoming projects. Then, the consultant reminded me that I have the leadership skills to make our projects happen. I offered to volunteer my time with a prominent local group, but the consultant wanted more. He suggested that I try to change the internal culture and assert more control within the company.
As much as I believe in realizing my potential, I just don't want to step on my supervisor and general manager's toes (not to mention a very stubborn board).
The biggest news from today's conversation is finding out that the reason I have been assigned several petty assignment (write the corporate instructional manual?!) is because the Chairman of the Board doubt my ability. The consultant hinted that he had approached the Chairman to put me in more public positions, but the Chairman fears my lack of experience will harm the company.
It's bad enough that I am often the only woman in a room, and now my age and professional experience are being questioned.
I have sent out a couple of job applications, and I am more motivated than ever to move on. This job is like a bad relationship. I don't want to blame anyone or myself. It's just not meant to be. It was nice to hear the positive feedback from the consultant, but not hearing those encouragements from this office is a sign that I need to move on.
As much as I believe in realizing my potential, I just don't want to step on my supervisor and general manager's toes (not to mention a very stubborn board).
The biggest news from today's conversation is finding out that the reason I have been assigned several petty assignment (write the corporate instructional manual?!) is because the Chairman of the Board doubt my ability. The consultant hinted that he had approached the Chairman to put me in more public positions, but the Chairman fears my lack of experience will harm the company.
It's bad enough that I am often the only woman in a room, and now my age and professional experience are being questioned.
I have sent out a couple of job applications, and I am more motivated than ever to move on. This job is like a bad relationship. I don't want to blame anyone or myself. It's just not meant to be. It was nice to hear the positive feedback from the consultant, but not hearing those encouragements from this office is a sign that I need to move on.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
dependency
E-mailed a friend to suggest carpooling to a third friend's bridal shower. She replied yes and proceeded to asked about a group dinner with another friend who moved into town. I had offered the dinner months ago, but she was studying for a Series 7 exam and canceled.
It's the same thing everytime. I organize get-togethers, usually cook the food or have it at a restaurant. All I ask is a couple of hours of someone's time.
Now that the friend is done with her exam, she turns around and asked about the dinner. I know that she is expecting that I organize another get-together for the three of us. Perhaps cook for her. In her e-mail, there wasn't any suggestion of where or when, it was just an expectation of the same offer.
It's my own fault. By always being accommodating, people rely on me. Well, that was then. My priorities have changed, and now if you want to do something, plan it. MAYBE I'll show up. I'll give you plenty of notice (not the week of) if something more important comes up though.
It's the same thing everytime. I organize get-togethers, usually cook the food or have it at a restaurant. All I ask is a couple of hours of someone's time.
Now that the friend is done with her exam, she turns around and asked about the dinner. I know that she is expecting that I organize another get-together for the three of us. Perhaps cook for her. In her e-mail, there wasn't any suggestion of where or when, it was just an expectation of the same offer.
It's my own fault. By always being accommodating, people rely on me. Well, that was then. My priorities have changed, and now if you want to do something, plan it. MAYBE I'll show up. I'll give you plenty of notice (not the week of) if something more important comes up though.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
petty
One great thing about believing in fate is that I can accept most unexpected events. Tonight, my flight was delayed, and of course, this is the only time in the last 5 years that I asked for a ride. The person ended up having to go to a different airport and being late for visiting a relative.
On the other hand, I also wonder if mishaps are fate's way of reminding me to change course. It's hard to know what to believe when there are so many signs that my heart is wrong.
Good thing that I am always reading nonfiction that puts everything into perspective. Am getting back to reading different subjects to answer my own questions, from health to cultures to cities. Reading things I didn't know before is a constant reminder that all the people giving me advice don't necessiarly know better.
Perhaps the most comforting effect of fate is that it erases all doubts and frustrations. I know that everything is meant to be, and that knowledge sets me free to keep taking risks and follow my intuition.
On the other hand, I also wonder if mishaps are fate's way of reminding me to change course. It's hard to know what to believe when there are so many signs that my heart is wrong.
Good thing that I am always reading nonfiction that puts everything into perspective. Am getting back to reading different subjects to answer my own questions, from health to cultures to cities. Reading things I didn't know before is a constant reminder that all the people giving me advice don't necessiarly know better.
Perhaps the most comforting effect of fate is that it erases all doubts and frustrations. I know that everything is meant to be, and that knowledge sets me free to keep taking risks and follow my intuition.
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