Most relationship end badly because people hang on for too long. Rather than moving on when it's time, many couples try to re-capture what was great about the relationship when it is just not meant to be.
*****
Might I recommend: the bell-shaped curve theory of dating.
This theory believes that the best part of dating is capturing the ride up. This is when you are getting to know someone, flirting, finding commonalities, and feeling as if you two are fated to be together. At times, that stage is very short [record screeching to a halt]. Other times, that stage is nice and long, and this is probably how most people transition into bf/gf and SO and even marriage.
*****
For most dating experiences, what goes up comes down at some point. At first, it's something small: the way he chews with his mouth open. Then, it grows, like when he lies to you. Again, record screeching to a halt.
Time to move on.
*****
Of course, a lot of it is timing. What guy No. 5 did that is so annoying now seems so charming on guy No. 10. And that's all fate. Still, it's good to have a theory, and mine is the bell-shaped theory of dating. And I am sticking to it.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
will the real you stand up?
No matter how smooth or how suave, eventually everyone reveals him/herself. When people wish that they had seen the real person they were dating, what they are saying is that they chose to not see the truth.
It's much eaiser to see people for who they are than to project them into our ideal.
******
The trick to get people to be themselves right away. Three common ways...
The first is to accept people unconditionally. On the first date, I am not thinking about anything other than to enjoy this person's company. They can make a fool of themselves, they can make a fool of me, but all I am trying to do is to have fun. This is why I love first dates. I have no expectations, and that's the key to getting to know someone beyond just the facts.
Perhaps that's why I rarely go to fancy restaurants for first dates. It's hard to joke and laugh out loud when someone is asking if everything's all right every 15 minutes...
******
The second way to have people reveal themselves is to reveal yourself. This part sounds simple, but it's amazing how few people can do it.
******
The last is luck. Bad luck that is. I always hope that something will go terribly wrong on the first date. Nothing like a bad meal, heavy rain, or strange encounter with third parties to bring out the worst or the best in people. More than once men were their most charming under unfortunate circumstances and won me over, even if just for the date.
Another way to have "bad luck" is to do something very ordinary. My favorite date is an afternoon in the park. The simplicity of being out in nature builds the foundation of a relationship - conversation. Even the mundane tasks of finding parking and getting lost help to reveal people's true colors.
*****
Forget the checklist and forget the ideal. Dating is about having fun and enjoying people's company. So why not take this chance to be your true self? After all, the more fun you have, the more fate will reveal itself and give you all the answers.
It's much eaiser to see people for who they are than to project them into our ideal.
******
The trick to get people to be themselves right away. Three common ways...
The first is to accept people unconditionally. On the first date, I am not thinking about anything other than to enjoy this person's company. They can make a fool of themselves, they can make a fool of me, but all I am trying to do is to have fun. This is why I love first dates. I have no expectations, and that's the key to getting to know someone beyond just the facts.
Perhaps that's why I rarely go to fancy restaurants for first dates. It's hard to joke and laugh out loud when someone is asking if everything's all right every 15 minutes...
******
The second way to have people reveal themselves is to reveal yourself. This part sounds simple, but it's amazing how few people can do it.
******
The last is luck. Bad luck that is. I always hope that something will go terribly wrong on the first date. Nothing like a bad meal, heavy rain, or strange encounter with third parties to bring out the worst or the best in people. More than once men were their most charming under unfortunate circumstances and won me over, even if just for the date.
Another way to have "bad luck" is to do something very ordinary. My favorite date is an afternoon in the park. The simplicity of being out in nature builds the foundation of a relationship - conversation. Even the mundane tasks of finding parking and getting lost help to reveal people's true colors.
*****
Forget the checklist and forget the ideal. Dating is about having fun and enjoying people's company. So why not take this chance to be your true self? After all, the more fun you have, the more fate will reveal itself and give you all the answers.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Mr. TO
Late Friday night/Sat morning, I get a text from _him_.
No one else from my dating past can make my heart skip a beat, but he still can. He was the one.
*****
Regardless of how long ago that was, the memories are just as sweet today. To meet someone who made me feel so alive and happy for every second of every day. To find someone who was the answer to the bad relationship. Wow.
*****
We started out as acquaintenances, the kind you were introduced to at a party. Then we became friends, the kind you just say hi and give a hug upon meeting.
One night, I was at a very happenin' party and talking to so many great guys. Still, no one stood out, and it got to that point where I was ready to go home. Then, in comes Mr. TO, and literally, the room lit up. The minute I saw him, I was so glad that I decided to come to this party. I must have the silliest grin on my face, b/c he saw and came by. That hug was when I knew he was the one.
*****
Looking back, those initial moments were more lust than anything else. The difference between the one and everyone else is magic. Whether it is being the only ones at an event too early or saying sweet things that just touch your heart, the one is perfect. The one never hurt you and only brings you tenderness. You can feel so proud to be next to this perfect human being. For someone, that moment lasts a lifetime. For me, it was enough to make me believe in love again.
*****
Back to reality, Mr. TO just want to chat while he was waiting for his g/f. What, did you think it was something more? Maybe in the next lifetime.
No one else from my dating past can make my heart skip a beat, but he still can. He was the one.
*****
Regardless of how long ago that was, the memories are just as sweet today. To meet someone who made me feel so alive and happy for every second of every day. To find someone who was the answer to the bad relationship. Wow.
*****
We started out as acquaintenances, the kind you were introduced to at a party. Then we became friends, the kind you just say hi and give a hug upon meeting.
One night, I was at a very happenin' party and talking to so many great guys. Still, no one stood out, and it got to that point where I was ready to go home. Then, in comes Mr. TO, and literally, the room lit up. The minute I saw him, I was so glad that I decided to come to this party. I must have the silliest grin on my face, b/c he saw and came by. That hug was when I knew he was the one.
*****
Looking back, those initial moments were more lust than anything else. The difference between the one and everyone else is magic. Whether it is being the only ones at an event too early or saying sweet things that just touch your heart, the one is perfect. The one never hurt you and only brings you tenderness. You can feel so proud to be next to this perfect human being. For someone, that moment lasts a lifetime. For me, it was enough to make me believe in love again.
*****
Back to reality, Mr. TO just want to chat while he was waiting for his g/f. What, did you think it was something more? Maybe in the next lifetime.
Monday, February 27, 2006
sat down
I am a big proponent of CL, and despite the following chain of events, will continue to support the site...
Met NY guy on CL. Was just looking for someone to chill with on X-mas night. It was impromptu, so most friends were busy. NY guy's post was simple: looking for someone to chill w/on X-mas night...
This being real life, I spent that night alone. The reply turned into an online conversation after NY guy went back home. Don't know about others, but I usually have a good sense of who's on the other end. The key is to reveal just enough, like an R-rated movie. After one way-too-flattering e-mail, I stopped writing. Please, don't tell me that I am all that when you don't even know my dark side.
It turns out, NY guy was about to visit SF and asked if I want to meet for dinner. Why not?
*****
Dinner was Friday night. I made reservations. Thursday night, NY guy calls to confirm.
Hello.
Just as I had suspected, zero chemistry. Still, I am open to meeting people.
Hi. How about if I pick you up from the hotel.
Why don't you park at the hotel, and we can cab to the restaurant?
Don't be silly, I'll pick you up and drop you off. (Meanwhile, my mind is on work and isn't even paying attention to the intent of the suggestion.)
*****
Friday night, I'm on my way to pick up NY guy, and he doesn't answer. VM. Two more calls, VM. After a few calls to friends, it hits me that NY guy will not be returning my call.
Call the restaurant and declared that, I have to cancel my reservation b/c my date stood me up. The gasp on the other end made me feel better. Besides, it's Friday night, so some lucky folks got the table before 830.
*****
The night was not entirely lost. I did meet hot guy at Trader Joe's...HELLOOOOO! ;) Plus, I did save money b/c I go Dutch on first dates.
*****
Sat morning, the loser had the audacity to write, just want to confirm tonight! Please.
*****
Well, the best part of all is that NY guy never was going to be anything more than a friend, but he even screwed that up. Mean while, I am trying to decide whether to follow up with good-natured hottie at Trade Joe's...
Met NY guy on CL. Was just looking for someone to chill with on X-mas night. It was impromptu, so most friends were busy. NY guy's post was simple: looking for someone to chill w/on X-mas night...
This being real life, I spent that night alone. The reply turned into an online conversation after NY guy went back home. Don't know about others, but I usually have a good sense of who's on the other end. The key is to reveal just enough, like an R-rated movie. After one way-too-flattering e-mail, I stopped writing. Please, don't tell me that I am all that when you don't even know my dark side.
It turns out, NY guy was about to visit SF and asked if I want to meet for dinner. Why not?
*****
Dinner was Friday night. I made reservations. Thursday night, NY guy calls to confirm.
Hello.
Just as I had suspected, zero chemistry. Still, I am open to meeting people.
Hi. How about if I pick you up from the hotel.
Why don't you park at the hotel, and we can cab to the restaurant?
Don't be silly, I'll pick you up and drop you off. (Meanwhile, my mind is on work and isn't even paying attention to the intent of the suggestion.)
*****
Friday night, I'm on my way to pick up NY guy, and he doesn't answer. VM. Two more calls, VM. After a few calls to friends, it hits me that NY guy will not be returning my call.
Call the restaurant and declared that, I have to cancel my reservation b/c my date stood me up. The gasp on the other end made me feel better. Besides, it's Friday night, so some lucky folks got the table before 830.
*****
The night was not entirely lost. I did meet hot guy at Trader Joe's...HELLOOOOO! ;) Plus, I did save money b/c I go Dutch on first dates.
*****
Sat morning, the loser had the audacity to write, just want to confirm tonight! Please.
*****
Well, the best part of all is that NY guy never was going to be anything more than a friend, but he even screwed that up. Mean while, I am trying to decide whether to follow up with good-natured hottie at Trade Joe's...
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