Whoa. Someone from my past e-mailed me via Friendster. It's a welcoming whoa (as oppose to the contacts that make me grimace). :) Will keep you posted...or not.
On to the latest social observations:
Recently, I met a couple of new groups. Quiet exciting at first b/c I mistakenly thought more is better. Great! I am making more friends!
Then, it occurs to me that (to my horror) I am overly sensitive! I'll admit, that may be a PC way to say that I am an elitist, but you can make that call as you read the rest of this post.
After spending time and talking to people from these two groups, I realized that I can't be around people with negative energy.
Both groups have men and women in their 30s who are desparate to settle down. I was pleased with the attention from the men at first, then I wanted to run away from the pressure. Several people came with this implicit question: could you be the one I settle down with? I can sympathize with the women, but I can't hang out with them b/c I can't appreciate their efforts to find a husband.
I always assumed that one's mate is determined by fate, so why bother asking if someone could be the one. It's difficult to get close to people who spend so much time and energy trying to figure out something that they cannot control. I understand but don't want to be part of the madness.
The other source of negative energy is getting frustrated with some parts of their lives and then taking it out on other people. I certainly can relate to the frustration with life (see every other prior post on this blog), but to act out is not the answer. I believe in taking constructive steps to improve oneself and to minimize bad luck.
I witnessed quite a bit of lashing out and destructive behavior such as excessive drinking recently that I just have to distance myself. This makes me uncomfortable because I want to be accepting but instead can only minimize contact. Guess I am out of the running for sainthood. :P
Am grateful for the experience because these people created a giant mirror for me to see how my negative energy was what drove several good people away earlier in life. Grateful that so many people (yes YOU) stood by me and taught me how to change my ways. Now, it's second nature to always think positively and thus attract and keep the positive people. Hey, maybe that's why there is the blast from the past. Whoa.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Friday, September 07, 2007
make your best life
A clarification on the last post. The environment that fosters good manners is one that gives guidance AND freedom to allow individuals to make the appropriate choices. Overbearing parenting has the same affect as absentee parenting; it encourages inappropriate behavior.
Many children enter adulthood without many responsibilities or have sufficient life experience because their parents have done too much for them. From time management, finances, relationships to health, it's not about teaching the kids everything but teaching how to choose wisely.
Every child is different, so the most difficult task for the parent is to know when to be firm and when to let go.
Although I don't have kids, I feel so passionately about child rearing because I benefited so much from almost-perfect parents. Having enjoyed unconditional acceptance and love my entire life, it still shocks me when I meet adults who are trying to make up for what was lacking in their childhood.
Still, there is self-parenting. No one should blame just the parents, so I apologize for the tone in the last post. It is up to us as adults to cultivate a beautiful life from this point forward, regardless of the past.
Many children enter adulthood without many responsibilities or have sufficient life experience because their parents have done too much for them. From time management, finances, relationships to health, it's not about teaching the kids everything but teaching how to choose wisely.
Every child is different, so the most difficult task for the parent is to know when to be firm and when to let go.
Although I don't have kids, I feel so passionately about child rearing because I benefited so much from almost-perfect parents. Having enjoyed unconditional acceptance and love my entire life, it still shocks me when I meet adults who are trying to make up for what was lacking in their childhood.
Still, there is self-parenting. No one should blame just the parents, so I apologize for the tone in the last post. It is up to us as adults to cultivate a beautiful life from this point forward, regardless of the past.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
new criteria
To make it simpler, I am posting my three current musts, in order of importance:
1. gentlemanly
2. worldly
3. successful (happy w/job)
It's not asking for much, noticed no physical criteria, no financial requirements nor educational standards.
Still, it's sad to think how many guys failed number one of late. I can't help it, but I blame the parents, especially the mothers. It's all in the formidable years; science shows that most behaviors are learned before 8. It's quite easy for most parents, especially mothers, to let their children behave badly.
It's not just on the parents though. I grew up in a very small community where plenty of caring adults - relatives, family friends, and even community elders - helped to guide my sense of right and wrong.
That guidance is still in my life. I have many older female friends (ranging from 40 to mid-60s) who are always there to offer their wisdom. Of course, my mother and close family friends also shape my conduct.
In contrast, most men simply don't have this collective wisdom to encourage gentlemanly behavior. I don't see older guys who treat ladies with respect, so the younger guys can follow suit. There isn't the community of responsible men who can tell men 18-35 that they should behave better, especially in the presence of women.
So, what to do? I think us women need to stop settling. If we see men being crass or being obnoxious, we need to distant ourselves or show our disapproval. For instance, I stopped inviting men who are offensive to my social events. I don't need that lowly kind of humor. In addition, I always speak up when a man is vulgar in my company. It's not acceptable!
There may not be an universal definition of worldly or successful, but one always know whether a man is gentlemanly or not. May you always be in the company of a gentleman!
1. gentlemanly
2. worldly
3. successful (happy w/job)
It's not asking for much, noticed no physical criteria, no financial requirements nor educational standards.
Still, it's sad to think how many guys failed number one of late. I can't help it, but I blame the parents, especially the mothers. It's all in the formidable years; science shows that most behaviors are learned before 8. It's quite easy for most parents, especially mothers, to let their children behave badly.
It's not just on the parents though. I grew up in a very small community where plenty of caring adults - relatives, family friends, and even community elders - helped to guide my sense of right and wrong.
That guidance is still in my life. I have many older female friends (ranging from 40 to mid-60s) who are always there to offer their wisdom. Of course, my mother and close family friends also shape my conduct.
In contrast, most men simply don't have this collective wisdom to encourage gentlemanly behavior. I don't see older guys who treat ladies with respect, so the younger guys can follow suit. There isn't the community of responsible men who can tell men 18-35 that they should behave better, especially in the presence of women.
So, what to do? I think us women need to stop settling. If we see men being crass or being obnoxious, we need to distant ourselves or show our disapproval. For instance, I stopped inviting men who are offensive to my social events. I don't need that lowly kind of humor. In addition, I always speak up when a man is vulgar in my company. It's not acceptable!
There may not be an universal definition of worldly or successful, but one always know whether a man is gentlemanly or not. May you always be in the company of a gentleman!
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
pretender
Went out of town this past weekend. During the trip, one girlfriend suggested that we couldn't use a more complex word if there was a simpler word. For instance, rather than saying ubiquitous, we had to say everywhere. The result was hilarious; I ended up trying to use big words just for fun.
Then, I was saddened by how this started because my friend felt that men are intimidated by smart women.
During the trip, I happen to be reading the book by Maureen Dowd. Of course, fueled by my feminist urges, I chided my friend for her ludicrous idea.
I pointed out that no man would ever dumb himself down to nab a woman. In fact, the men who hit on us over the weekend all puffed themselves up quite a bit. The double-standard is very real.
My friend said that all this pretending was suppose to be fun, but it was yet another reminder that as a woman, we have to make our own rules or be ruled by what's not real. That's when the real fun starts, when we do simply what pleases us and not based on how to illicit a particular response.
Then, I was saddened by how this started because my friend felt that men are intimidated by smart women.
During the trip, I happen to be reading the book by Maureen Dowd. Of course, fueled by my feminist urges, I chided my friend for her ludicrous idea.
I pointed out that no man would ever dumb himself down to nab a woman. In fact, the men who hit on us over the weekend all puffed themselves up quite a bit. The double-standard is very real.
My friend said that all this pretending was suppose to be fun, but it was yet another reminder that as a woman, we have to make our own rules or be ruled by what's not real. That's when the real fun starts, when we do simply what pleases us and not based on how to illicit a particular response.
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