happily ending

After two years, this is a good time to end this blog. I appreciate all of you for being there. I am staring in a new direction, so this blog has served its purpose. It has helped me grow, and I am in a very happy place.

To end on a positive note, here is an e-mail I got from M this week:
date Jan 7, 2008 2:16 PM
subject Inspiration for a new year

For all the important and special people in my life who have touched me in one way or another... this is my dream for all of us.

The dedicated life is a life worth living. Find something to love with all your heart. Discover what inspires your biggest dreams. Seek out a challenge that will create positive change and speaks of your purpose and makes a difference in the world. Throw yourself into something to believe in, that asks for your very best. We are here not only for ourselves; we are here to add to the sum of human goodness.

A good life is not lived by chance but by choice. We can be wise from goodness, and good from wisdom. Each person brings into this world a unique contribution and each day comes full of possibilities. All we need is time and opportunity; there is no such thing as an unimportant day. Our possibilities live as we live, and each one of us can bring hope and beauty to the world. Go out and find where people hold their potential and meet them there. Be not only good for yourself, but the cause of goodness in others. Inspiration and contribution go hand-in-hand.

Reach out and open the door that no one thought could be opened. Life is behind it. Believe in yourself. We don't have an eternity to realize our dreams, only the time we are here.Make every moment count. There is more in us than we know. If we can be made to see it, perhaps, for the rest of our lives, we will be unwilling to settle for less. Settle for more. Is the life I'm living the life that wants to live in me? Do what you love. Growth means change, and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown. Embrace change. If you risk nothing, then you risk everything. Take chances. You must never be fearful about what you are doing when it is right. Be brave. You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. Find your passion. Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. Go where you've never been.

the payoff of generosity

Why give? So many of my social activities are about catering to other people, but what's in it for me?

First, every challenge I take on is a new life experience. There is a thrill of doing something new. Giving to others don't always go according to plan because I can't always predict people's reaction. I have thrown so many singles party, but not even one couple resulted. The biggest lesson of all is to have zero expectations and still have a positive experience.

Second, it's great practice for bigger things. Take this week. Besides hosting a dinner at my place for all my co-workers Friday night, I'll be taking five newbies to the slopes on Sunday for their first day of snowboarding ever. Those two events require lots of planning.

The invitiations were important. I want people to join me but also feel free to turn me down. Not everyone from work is coming to dinner, and that will just mean a more intimate dinner. For the Tahoe trip, I also now have the dilemma of having one extra person that doesn't have a ride.

I rented a car, but the driver of the second car bailed. I do know two other cars going, but it's a matter of figuring out how to get that extra girl to ride with strangers.

All the event planning and making things happen has been perfect training for all the other challenges I faced in life. Dating, especially being rejected, is cake compared to some of the mishaps I had to deal with trying to get people together. In dating, it's just one other guy. In event planning, I have had upwards of 60 people to please.

In preparing the five women for their first day, I made sure that everyone started to shop or borrow for gear. All the costs and the itinerary were discussed already with each person. I even sent two girlfriends who didn't know each other to attend a mock snowboarding class together where they practiced on a conveyor-belt like machine to fine tune their balance.

Most importantly, organizing events and planning my packed social life have been the perfect outlet for all the extra time as a single person. I would probably be much more desparate in dating if I usually sit at home and do nothing. I probably would have gone mad if I sat around and pondered about all the unfathomable behaviors that I had to face in dating men. Instead, I've got friends and fun activities waiting for me.

In an ironic way, the giving to my friends substituted the need to have a family right away. I am walking down that path, but taking my sweet time to enjoy each person who has joined me in the journey has been incredible. My travel buddies shape me and help to formulate the person I am meant to be.

I am having fun because it's more about my friends than about me. Learning how to let go of the ego and to be in the moment and enjoy life are the best externalities of making things happen.

Even though I am scaling back in 2008, I know the experiences will be so rewarding. There is much satisfaction in knowing that everything is easy from this point forward.

off to a good start

I love it that life is still full of surprised.

Went out Sat night. Usually, I go out w/just girlfriends. Last night was the first time that I went out with another woman and a whole bunch of guys...her friends and their friends. Never again. Receiving male attention has never been a high priority, and last night was a surprise reminder that I don't ever need men to compliment me or try hard with me to complete a night out.

These guys were out to meet women. I was just in the way of their game.

I don't go out to drink and meet people. I usually go out in order dance, as a form of sport. I usually dance until I am so sweaty that no guy wants to get close anyways. Well, I didn't break a sweat last night. Is that why I got bored and left early? Just wasn't having fun after a couple of hours. Glad I bowed out gracefully w/o compromising my experience or ruin anyone else's.

Another big surprise is how much I love the movie Atonment. The movie was beautiful. I can't relate to all that emotional stuff, so it was like going to the MoMA. I don't always get it, but I can appreciate it.

The third surprise is how all the uncertainties are so easily resolved. Appreciation to everyone who chimed in; I feel very cared for. Ironic that it was a bunch of guy friends and male cousin who gave the biggest support. In summary, people always reveal themselves to me eventually, and I just have to make the obvious and easy choices. Who says dating is complicated? It's only hard b/c we make it so.

2008 is off to a roaring start. I am so excited about where things are right now. Let me just capture this high of being completely happy and remind myself that it does get easier!

fearless

After a fun night w/friends and co-workers, I made sure my girlfriend got in a cab and then decided just to hop on a bus rather than take the train.

Whoa. Talk about the difference between bus and train! I was surrounded by nearly all working-class men on the bus, and it was all right.

After traveling solo for years, confronting a stalker and even carpooling to Tahoe with a stranger, what else is there to fear?

There are tricks. No eye contact. Sit up straight and be quietly confidant. "Don't mess with me" is a universal language that everyone respects.

So, I can handle the solo ride on a bus with lots of strangers who are rough around the edges. There is a lot of life opportunities awaiting me, and fear will not slow me down.

I feel happy tonight because I finally have zero fear. It's the most liberating feeling to know that no matter what happens to me, I can handle it. The biggest fear I had before this point was that I was not going to be as great of human beings as my parents. I am finally getting over it. I'll just be me, even if I am short of my parents' greatness...

Things are still quite uncertain on the men front, but I am no longer afraid. I do wish I wasn't so single at times, but then how would I be trained in handling myself so well in odd situations? Life skills come with experience, and I wouldn't trade my amazing journey for anything.

possessions

Besides my car, the most expensive things I have are my sports equipment.

Just bought ice skates, and it's turning out to be great exercise!

Am in the market for a new snowboard. My current board was purchased from a co-worker. He was much taller, so the board is slightly too long. Still, now that I am comfortable with the sport, it's time for some better gear.

Looking at my storage closet, I plan to invest more time this year on sports. Some equipment to dust off: tennis racket and golf clubs. Plus swimming. My goal is to get to the point of mastery in every sport where I can get up and go. Only by hitting that intermediate/advanced level can a sport be pure fun.

It's ironic because I used to very uncoordinated, but I had friends who were athletic. In order to spend time with them, I started to learn each sport.

It's a metaphor for other aspects of life. You don't know your own limits unless you test it. Now I do believe that anything is possible. I have only scratched the surface of my abilities. I love getting older and getting better!

uncertainty

I freaked out this week b/c there are some uncertainties in my life right now. After talking things through with a few friends, I realized that I wasn't being in the present.

Uncertainty is part of life, yet our lifestyle tend to minimize uncertainties that we don't know what to do when faced with it.

One result of meditation is that I can separate myself from my thoughts, especially the ones that bring anxiety. I am learning to embrace the unknown, and it isn't so bad.

Although I know that uncertainty is healthy, it's still hard for me to accept it fully. Well, here's my chance. It feels scary, but I pride myself on being fearless that I can just let things unfold for a change.

Breath in, breath out...

the right fit

Work is quite exciting right now. Besides a huge lawsuit that I am slowly getting involved in, I possibly might be handling a small matter before the Planning Commission all on my own. That client is coming in to meet me this month.

I never thought I would be so career-oriented, but nothing else is competing against the thrill of the job. To have this great opportunity, to find kindred spirits, to perfect my skill, and to see amazing results.

Actually, all the other hobbies I have been undertaking for years (organizing events, sports, dating, etc.) helped to prepare me for this moment. The irony. I know exactly what I have to do to get to the next level, and I am well on my way.

Now, if dating were this easy. Still, I have the same optimism about settling down with someone. Things are starting to get interesting in that department too, but aren't they always? ;)

true friends

This year, I made more efforts to meet new people. By organizing lots of social events, I did meet new people. In return, I received invitations to events and met more people.

Now that it's the end of the year, I am taking a break and assessing.

Some of these people will not be in my life because it's time to let go. It's been hard at times because the friendships sometimes grew demanding. I still haven't quite learned how to just be with like-minded spirits. Part of being like-minded is how much space I need in a friendship. Choosing to focus on career and a new man, I am looking for friends who are at the same point in life.

I felt guilty for not doing as much for others, but now the guilt is replaced by the realization that many ties are simply lengthened but not broken. It's especially hard with the guy friends because now one person is taking up more of my energy. Still, I send out good wishes to everyone as the year comes to a close.

Hope your year was fantastic too!

make time (part 2)

Managed to find time this morning to go to the climbing gym to introduce the sport to a friend's friend in town for the holidays. She is the 26th person I introduced to climbing.

I have to work today, so we made the meeting at 8am. It's amazing that 1. the gym was open and 2. we were all on time. 90 minutes later, my new friend got her belay card and was climbing. I managed to hit three routes, and rushed off to work just one hour off my usual time.

Work is getting busier, but I still want to make time for all the important things. Just checked out ice skating class schedule. Maybe that'll be my new sport for 2008. The classes would be Mondays at 630pm...

mini victory

After dropping out of mini-triathlon training and getting kicked out of motorcycle class, I thought this was going to be the year that I find my limits.

Then, I went to Tahoe the last two days and accomplished a major goal for the last two years: I finally snowboard as well as I ski.

Growing up, I was quite uncoordinated. I drop things, I trip all the time, and I was never good at sports. Then, learning to ski and master to ski changed my attitude about challenges. Instead of giving up, I realized that mastering skills require learning the trick to the task.

Learning to snowboard had to do with the changing demographics of people I spent time with. As more and more of my friends were snowboarders, I felt the pressure to learn the new sport.

As with skiing, I took many lessons and try to hit the slopes as much as I can. I also bought a used board in order to have my own equipment. The formula worked.

Now, boarding is my favorite sport. I am still trying to learn new things, but in every other sport, I am trying to reach that point of pure bliss I feel when I finish a black run with complete confidence.

experience counts

Went ice skating by myself last night to break in the new skates. Lovely. Been to this rink a few times before, so I knew just where to park, how much it cost, what to bring (thick socks, gloves and water) and what the crowd was going to be like. Being in an urbanized area, it was mostly teenagers at 10pm at night.

As I am enjoying myself on the ice, I felt grateful that life has brought me so many experiences. Whether together with people or on my own, I have done enough that I always want to do more.

It wasn't always like this. I used to spend more time thinking about doing things than actual execution.

Same with relationships. I used to try to control the man in my life rather than grow and evolve with that person. After Mr. PA, where I tried so hard to change him and drove him away, I see that I applied the same controls placed on me by others.

I finally learned. Relationships are about letting go completely and enjoy the other person as he is. I am excited but ever more appreciative of all the falls I have along the way. Those past experiences make the present that much sweeter.