it's called...

a girl crush when I meet a fellow woman who is cool. that's probably why I court women. oh.

the making of something wonderful

I probably applied to more jobs than anyone I know because of all the career changes, but mostly the changes occur because I have grown so much at each job.

It's time to change again. Except this time, it's truly a group effort. I started the job search by talking to two mentors who are attorneys in the industry. The year of lunches made me see that I have cultivated a good set of skills.

Then, I befriended 3 women real estate project managers, and their advice have been invaluable. I knew I was going in the right direction, and their friendship was inspiring. They all enjoy their jobs but gave me insights on the limitations of project management.

Now, I am starting to talk to industry heavy weights. It's quite exciting because I am learning on the job and through all the networking. My sights are higher - acquisition. I don't have all the pieces yet, but I know I love deal making. This latest project was a taste of how satisfying getting a deal done can be.

I never intend to be career-oriented, but I love to work and am more driven than ever. Kicking into high gear!

romance v. practicality

A cousin in his early 20s is staying with me this week. Last night, showed him the Ferry Building, and he asked if guys take me there on dates.

I laughed and replied no because now that I date mostly guys in their 30s, it's less about romance and more about finding someone compatible as a life partner.

At the same time, his question made me glad for the way things work out. I definitely have had more romance and fun than I ever thought possible in a life time. All the fun and joy make me believe in the goodness of everyone and in the magic of romantic love.

The search continues and with ever more faith.

metamorphosis

I never though I would be career-oriented, but after this week, I might be changing focus.

My company sued one of its neighboring property two years ago for contamination, and the two sides decided to settle after many attempts to mediate. I have been integrally involved in the entire process, first acting as in-house counsel, then as project manager as we solicited remediation contractors in an RFP process.

Yesterday, the board decided to move forward with the deal. It's a GO. I nearly passed out from the exhilaration.

In light of the disappointments on the dating front, I welcomed the news with pride. This project has been my baby, and I also sit on the City of SF Redevelopment Agency Community Advisory Committee for the proposed redevelopment area.

While many friends found partners and welcomed babies, I have my projects. Without realizing, I have cultivated a career that grows in leaps and bounds. I put just as much effort into my personal life, but for some reason, the relationships just don't quite work out.

It is truly fate. I put in equal efforts in many areas of my life, yet my career has been the most rewarding. Odd, but I accept my fate.

It's a GO!

So exciting. This morning, the board of directors at my company decided to move forward with the settlement of our $99M lawsuit. I feel so proud b/c I have been the project manager for the remediation contract to clean up the contaminated site. It's been a lot of work, but now it's all worth it.

Well, the transfer agreement happens September 4th. Cross my fingers.

So this is how one become career oriented. It's so much easier to devote myself to work and be rewarded than wonder whether some guy is going to be into me. :P

bruise to the ego

It's been a rough week on the dating front. Getting rejected not once, but twice. I should be used to these things and not take it personally, but when you poke a needle at a very full balloon, it bursts rather than deflates slowly.

The rejections were subtle but obvious. Why do I have to be so intuitive? I don't get hurt any more b/c I can see the inevitable end so early that I usually bow out gracefully. Still, being graceful does not prevent one from feeling unwanted.

At the same time, these rejections speak more about my own preference. If I was more into them, then I would put more effort and make more time. So it's all meant to be.

Moving on. Time to focus back to my hobbies and plan the next party. It's going to be a singles party where everyone has to bring a single member of the opposite sex. The couples have to bring two single people. hehe. Should be interesting.

can't read too much into it

Went to a DJ show tonight. Took public transit. :) Met my friend there, and her group grew to 20+. Cool b/c those of us who stayed on the dance floor loved it.

Then I go to get a water. It took forever b/c the three groups in front of me all had 5 or 6 orders of drinks each. I finally asked to cut in front of the third group.

By the time I got back to the pit, I had no idea where my friend was. We tried texting each other, but it was just too packed. What was I gonna do? I just ended up dancing by myself for the rest of the night. I usually stayed around couples b/c there is usually a space b/t them and the other people (mostly guys).

With a breakfast get-together tomorrow morning, I decided to take off before too late. Of course, couldn't flag down a cab. Ended up walking home by myself. It was only 20 minutes, and it was safe b/c the bars were getting out and people were all walking to their cars or waiting for cabs.

Got home safely. Equally important, I had the best time. Appreciated how I am used to being on my own and always know what to do to achieve desired result.

Okay. Crashing. It's tomorrow already.

it's a good date

...when the conversation feels like it could last forever;
...when i wonder about how i look b/c i usually don't care that much;
...when i walk away impressed - and that's hard to do!
...when i am glad to be set up;

just like the favorite song that was playing when i pulled into the parking space - who knew?! i like these little surprises in life. even if nothing came of the first date, at least it was a great time...

making friends

I accept the trade-offs of not having best friends.

That means having to do more to court people who already have best buddies. Take the b-day I missed last Saturday. I am now inviting the few guy friends at the party to dinner. They've all been over for dinner before, but it's been a while since we've all hung out.

First, the invite. It has to be known that I am invite the others. Then, I have to track down every single one, make sure that there is an opening, and pursuade each person to be here.

Why so much work? Because I enjoy entertaining, and because unconventional methods requires more persuasion. Friendships are like this. They take time to cultivate.

The best part is that most of the people in my life are used to these invites, so they come over, empty-handed, and ready to eat and share the good life!

opposite of what i had expected

Sometimes it's good to just blab b/c that let's me test out theories. It also burns out the people who don't really care.

Looking back at the best relationships, and they were people who understood all my theories, even if they didn't agree. I miss those times.

The current guy is history b/c he either doesn't have the patience or just not that into me to hear me out.

The irony is that the one guy that I was in love with in the last four years always said the right things. So much so that I don't even have to keep on talking. I know he gets it, and that's enough for me to stop talking and just be happy.

Now that I know what I am looking for, it's a lot easier to hang out with men. I truly enjoy their company now. Ironic b/c it's so much easier to see when they are not right. Sigh...

make time

Some of my fellow travelers on the Peru trip packed giant suitcases to ensure that they had everything, especially the right outfits. They looked great. Yours truly did not put much thought into my outfit selection b/c of other priorities. I was at a house party an hour away right before it was time to leave for the airport. Of course, I packed before leaving for the party! ;)

I ended up wearing mostly my ski clothing and some random hiking items found at Sports Basement the day of departure. It was a bummer to not have any party outfits to wear on our nights out at Cusco, but consider how much time I gained by not spending it on packing, it was worth it.

One of the observations during my trip was how much time people spend on vanity. I am all about looking good, but when I travel, I don't much care. Traveling is for me to see the world and not for the world to see me. I repeated my outfits and didn't always match. By not focusing on myself, I also managed to read almost three books, over 900 pages, during the trip.

This trip was a reminder that I can do so much more with my time. It never occurred to me to slow down b/c I always feel as if I can do more. From the last entry, looks like I am about to make more time by not going dancing as much. What's next?...

diversity in friends

Got invited to a b-day party tonight. The b-day star and the organizer are two guy friends that I know. Was excited about going, since I have been going to their b-day celebrations for the past few years. After several attempts to find a wing-woman or a group of girlfriends to go with, I am left with passing on the event.

By always hanging out with different friends, it is nearly impossible to find party buddies/dancing partners so last-minute.

Given my constant planning and courting women, very rarely have I had to stay in on a Saturday night.

By being out of the country for the last two weeks, I haven't followed up with the usual suspects. It's even harder that almost all my party buddies are in relationships; I get them when the SOs are busy or out of town.

I don't mind at all. Just as on the trip these past two weeks, I embrace all that life brings me. There is a great chance that I might be single for a while, so I have to get used to spending time by myself. There is also a chance that the current guy is the one, so I should relish this time to be alone. Will continue to let life unfold. Party or not, I am in a happy state right now.

i did it

After 4 days of hiking, I made it to Machu Picchu. It was an amazing experience. Felt lucky that everything worked out for me to be able to take this trip of a lifetime.

The vacation was long, 12 days. I was ready to come back and am back at work this Friday morning.

Lots of thoughts but will take my time in jotting them down.

growing

I love a good party, especially hosting. This 4th, I ended up attending other people's instead. It was wonderful to meet new people and catch up with old friends. The best part is the second party was close to my brother's place, so I could stop by and get rested. Those South Bay events are fun, but the drive is long.

I like spending time with people who are very different. The experience challenges me and makes me see everything more clearly.

The one thing that I felt today from many men that has been missing in a lot of the men I dated of late is sweetness, a certain eagerness that is almost clumsy. I see how I've lost so much of that when I talk to men. Blah, I must sound so stuck up.

This latest crush is no longer b/c he takes my company for granted. I told him that I don't want to be a convenience. Why be more than friends if he isn't going to be serious about me? True, no one knows what is going to happen, but I always know when the guy is not into me. Curse or blessing? Definitely a blessing.

So I move on.

p.s. The iPhone made an appearance. So Bay Area where the place to review gadgets is at parties and not the retail stores.

right to choose

Been spending time with older women who don't have children. These women have cultivated themselves and have the luxury to care for anyone they choose, including me. I like being taken under their wings. The wisdom from an older female friend is invaluable as I navigate through my career and love life.

I now know that women are always givers, and it is in our nature to care. That's why motherhood is so fulfilling; it is the ultimate role as care takers. Still, I give in my own ways. My life will always be filled with people, and I will always give w/o expecting anything in return.

It is quite liberating to be in my 30s and to have zero pressure to marry and to have kids. Perhaps this lack of desparateness is what makes me more attractive now than five years ago. I don't have to cater to anyone in hopes of settling down. I am with a man because I enjoy his company. Dating and getting to know men have shaped me because I learn from all of these men's best qualities.

Similarly, I am learning much from my older female friends, especially that life is meant to be lived with joy and passion. I am inspired to live each day as if it were my last. So I could use more sleep and stay in more, but I have the rest of my life to rest. For now, I am having too much fun!

the old and the new

Went on a tour of SOMA buildings Fri. Caught a good picture of past, present and future. It's the Chronicle headquarters in SOMA, the renovated Mint, and the InterContinental Hotel.

friend of the moment

I tend to change my female friend of the moment just as I change the men I date. I have no qualm about dropping female friends of the moment if I feel that there is no longer meeting of the minds or reciprocation. I used to give without expecting anything in return. Now that I am much more selfish, I don't try too hard if it takes more than three to four tries to get together.

I learn to move on w/friends given my dating experience. Men have taught me how to not take lost connections personally. If a woman is important enough, the guy will make the effort.

Maybe learning how to move on is the reason why I have civilized break-ups. I don't understand how people have shouting matches or arguments at the end. It's just not worth the emotional upheaval. Connections are suppose to uplift us. If it feels like too much work or scary, then either work on ourselves, communicate clearly, or exit gracefully.

One interesting note. At times, my female friends have commented negatively on the men of the moment. I always pick the romantic interest over the friend. Not listening to friends has worked out very well for me; they reveal the friends of the moment.

thinking too much

I think the last post was a reaction to J's comment last Fri that I am not going to make it through July w/o dating someone.

Should be an interesting month. Yes, let the guy lead for a change. Did I mention that I am taking private salsa lessons? Going to a salsa club tonight to be twirled around.

Can't talk about or think about dating too much. I do everything by gut, but then when I write about it, it takes the fun out of the magical experiences.

Oh! Some exciting news. I have an informational lunch w/a big company next Thursday. It's for a possible position. Cross my fingers.

how the game is played

Ended a hanging out session. Stayed out in public. ;) It wasn't a date b/c there wasn't any formality to it. I am not sure where I stand, but I always know before the guy when it's not going to work out. :P

The night ended w/o much commotion. I know it's not meant to be. Almost amused that the men often think there is more b/c of their hormones. Too bad I am focused on career right now. I want to have a magical experience, but I cannot invest in a man when work is my mistress.

Ultimatley, I see how people see me; I get a lot of facination and admiration but not true understanding. Until that one guy is willing to walk to the end of the earth for me and me him, game is at love. Hum, still no ace yet, but it's a five-set game baby.

satisfaction

I can die happy now.

It's a random but powerful thought that popped into my head yesterday. I have everything I want in life.

Was exchanging e-mails with a new friend. In telling me their how-we-met story, she joked that she meant to go out, date lots of men and break some hearts but ended up marrying her high school sweetheart. Then I remembered being 12 and believing that I was going to be single forever. It's an odd example of wanting something and getting it, but many facets of my reality are subconscious goals from childhood.

That's why whenever I ask my dad for advice, he always say that I have all the answers myself. Yes, I do!

We all have the answers. Every single one of us has the insight to overcome every challenge, if we listen to our intuition.

Life is quite easy. There is no negativity, only the wonder of how we will choose to embrace challenges and fulfill our destiny.