eye opening

Went to Oakland to hang out with my friend A Friday night. She is African-American. Met her at a happy hour through a friend and just love her positive energy.

We sat by the window during dinner and checked out the other patrons and the people on the street. At one point, we noticed a very beautiful black woman. She joined another couple in the table next to us. We were curious as who was her date, since there was a fourth setting.

What was it about her? It was her stylish hair, her bohemian-yet-glamours outfit, and her confidence. She was HOT and elegant.

A few minutes later, another cute woman walked by. We concluded that she must be from the South. She was dressed for church, complete with dress pumps... It turned out that she was the fourth in the dinner party.

A was not surprised. She concluded that if she is set on finding a black man, she is going to have to move out of the Bay Area. Apparently, there are not enough black men who are college educated or above relative to black women in the same social-economic class.

This is the first time in my life that I entered the black community outside of work. I am glad A and I have become good friends; I am starting to see the world through her eyes. It is a very different world. The Bay Area black woman is like the South Bay Asian man, doesn't have enough available candidates in her own ethnicity.

Well, the night ended well. We went to a club across the street and chilled. When the music turned to salsa, A and I got up to twirl ourselves around. A couple of black guys asked us to dance. It was refreshing to dance with a gentleman who led with patience. Why does it not surprise me that this young man grew up in a foreign country?! I rarely meet an American man (of any ethnicity) who impresses me. :P

I didn't give him my number though. Not quite ready to give up my preference of dating Asian men.

Still, one couple figured it out. A and I asked an Asian brother to take a photo of us, and he was with a hot black woman...

do no wrong

At times, it's fun to impress others with our wit and accomplishments, but who can you really count on?

Over the weekend, E and I talked about how if we truly care about someone, that person can do no wrong.

Last night, E and I were planning to meet up for a drink, and he canceled. No big deal, since we just saw each other Sunday. In fact, it's nice to know that he is in the inner circle...

playing

My girlfriend J told me recently that she's just looking to fall in love. Wow. I don't even think about that any more.

For me, having fallen in love enough times, I don't know if I need that any more.

My timeline is unconventional. While most of my single female friends (even the ones much older than me) are looking for their hubbies, I just ask for the one person that I can feel happy around.

Well, I have that already, so even if it's not mutual, I don't have to look any more.

So that's it in the dating department. It's time to just play with everything else. Time to explore other areas of my life...

embrace the unknown

In a world where everything is plotted out like a printed map, my life is a series of adventures.

Rather than finding meaning in a linear life, where one feels compelled to make a certain amount of money or to get married by a certain age, I offer a more vibrant alternative to live.

The majority of my choices in life were based on instinct. I just know I have to do it. It's more efficient for me to go with my gut than the sit around, twittle my thumb, and wonder/worry until the window of opportunity closes.

It gets harder to let go of expectations as people age. Still, think back to being a child. A kid doesn't think too much about consequences or how he or she should act. They just know who to hang out with (usually good people who are patient with them) and what to do next.

I want to be more child-like now more than ever because all around, everyone is so serious and sometimes jaded. I have enough people telling me that I am making mistakes that I don't even think negatively any more.

It's all very amusing to me that life does get easier, if you allow it to be easy. I have never feel better, and it's all because I choose to embrace the unknown. Guess this is what is meant by letting go!

set me up!

Ready to get back out to the dating scene. Right, I never left.

Am ready to be set up though. So go through all your contact list and find me... a SF slacker who is respected!

Decided that while I am in my uber-ambitious mode right now, I just don't have time to deal with another driven, selfish man.

Bring me the beta male (as oppose to the alpha male). Still, I cannot be bored with a simple man, so maybe he gets respect through his humor or pecs or abs.

This is going to be an interesting summer!

the secret to success

This has been a good week of connections.

A friend from SoCal came up for a retreat with her sister, and I met her for coffee for a couple of hours Thursday night. She didn't have the best time at the retreat, so she was especially appreciative of my company. I was the one who was grateful for her company! She is a professor (one year away from tenure!) at a Cal State university. We met while she was aphD and myself a masters student.

The two hours together wasn't long, but it made me happier than usual at the speed dating event.

Then, going down to San Jose was a way to see my brother and sister-in-law who are consumed by their new home for the moment. I'm so proud of them, always figuring out how to finance and execute all their dreams.

Quite a few friends came out for drinks with me Fri night, so it was good to chill.

My girlfriend D hosted the party, and the gender ratio was terrible. At least D had a good time with all the attention. It as 7 to 25... At one point, C's SO went to get me a drink, and immediately, two guys swooped in. I was able to clue the one next to me that she's taken as they both turned on the charm. C and I had to excuse ourselves to go find her guy.

I wasn't in the mood to chit chat, so a couple of girlfriends and I headed to another club to dance instead. It was a blast. Got to cherish these moments of dancing w/girlfriends!

This morning, on my way home, I had breakfast with a City girl married to a South Bay guy. It was wonderful to catch up. We got into business ideas. Yes, this year (my b-day is around the corner, so my years start in June) is more focus on making money. Selling my car was a good start. What's next?!

reporting back

Just got back from the speed dating event. Wow, the people are so young. Okay, so my friend's friend, the organizer, was desparate. Yikes, what a way to make a living. Despite her efforts, about 3 guys had to sit out in each round as it is.

Still, better odds for most of these guys! Several were from the South Bay, and a lot were so straight-laced. One guy was kind of a jerk, but probably b/c he was too buzzed.

Overall, good event, since it was very diverse, both ethnicity and geography. Good practice, but no connection for me. Just one guy stood out, but he lives in Sunnyvale and is young, maybe 5 years younger.

It's just another experience. I don't spend all that much time judging experiences. Just have to get up and go.

Side note. My mind is stuck on someone in my past. We started to e-mail again, but I am not going to do anything. Dating has been easier of late b/c the guy makes the first move. Learning from salsa that it's easier to respond to signals. For now, focusing on studying...

go w/it

A friend just called about an hour ago, asking if I am willing to go to a speed dating event to even up the gender ratio.

I am actually a bit too old for the party tonight, but that's b/t you and me.

Good thing I have done this before. Got my list of questions. I usually ask people to pick a number between 1-7 and have a pre-printed list of questions. It's a lot more interesting than where are you from, where did you go to school, zzzz...

I always have a surprise question. One that is the funny one. Tonight's question is what makes a woman hot. Let's hope most people pick that one.

I'll report back later. Should be a good night, since they are making the ratio more even. BTW, this is also a mixed race event.

rules are meant to be...

...tested.

Sometimes rules are necessary for safety and order, and I am good at following. At times, I follow the rules so well that I can then bend the rules.

The few struggles that I have in life are due to attempts to create my own set of rules. The light bulb went on today: I am truly happy because I figure out for myself which rules to follow and which ones to bend.

Rules of dating are easy to bend because it's more about getting to the core of who people are rather than societal rules about men and women (in the hetero dating world). The reason why I can date players and the needy people for a while because I know how to engage at their level.

Career is tougher because the rules are more linear. Still, by making unconventional choices, I have gotten so much out of my professional paths. I am grateful for the challenges, but ultimately I want a job that reflects the core of who I am.

I am proud of my life. The present balance is an accurate reflection of my true self. Even this pride is a careful balance between egotism and humility.

My life's mission is the prefect balance of opposites. My ability to move easily between two extremes allows me to freely express any mood at any given moment. The executive, the admin. The serious adult, the gleeful child. The foreigner, the American. The philosopher, the athlete.

Having twice as many roles means that I have to make time for more life experiences. Making time is the number one priority right now. Having fun is equally important because that's how my subconscious mind can appear and recharge my physical and intellectual selves.

Enough esoteric musings. Off to salsa class and then gym...

looking back...

In my effort to leave the current job, I completely lost sight of enjoying the current work experience.

On my daily commute, I pass a large public housing project, and I was reminded of when I was a volunteer attorney for a few residents there.

It was odd to walk into these subsidized housing that were never meant to be permanent. Besides the dilapidated physical environment, the residents face constant problems with neighbors and the public housing authority. My role was to ensure that some of these residents didn't end up on the streets while dealing with landlord-tenant issues.

My work is so different now, but the commitment to be the best hasn't changed. I am reminded of having and serving my purpose.

I am grateful that my life is so magical. If my only issue is not finding a soulmate, then I am indeed lucky.

Monday. Back to work. Should be a quick week. Will be studying like mad for the next 3 weeks.

cancelation

Never thought I would have this day, but I went with my gut and canceled two planned events.

One was a lunch with a group of six girlfriends, and the other was a dinner party at a friend's place.

Both were out of the the City, and some weekends, I just want to stay in SF.

Once again, I am changing. Like how some things are constant, other things change. It does take more understanding from the people in my life. Ironic b/c most of my friends have gone through their major life changes and are settling down while I am still on the upward climb.

Right now, it's the steepest part fo the hill, and I am embracing the ascend.

stereotypes

I have a few female friends who are beyond child-bearing years, and hanging out with them is always interesting.

One thing is that they care more about the guy's financial status, where as I care about a man's potential as a father. Also, men never know what to do with these very together women who don't want kids.

It's different. Just as I am changing as I grow older, I care less about a man's lifestyle than what this person will teach me and my kids.

One reason my ex and I broke up was that we couldn't imagine raising kids with one another. That's why he and I parted on good terms, and he now has a family of his own.

It's all fate, but I am looking for that man to start a family with. At the same time, I trust that my gut will guide me to the right person. Fortunately, all but two people made the cut in the past three years. Well, those two are unavailable, so I am keeping my eyes out. Just enjoy and let things unfold!

accepting my fate

Reporting back after Thursday night out: SF party scene is not happening Thursday nights!

Actually, it's about knowing where to go and understanding the crowd. Now that I know where to go Sat nights, it's time to do the same for Thursdays.

On to the today's topic. Every time I try to approach a guy romantically, disaster happens. The thought is to do nothing and wait for a manly man to do something...NOT.

I just have to follow my gut. It's ironic. Because I believe in fate I can be completely uninhibited. Last night, when M and I were tearing it up at Fluid, I sensed that some people wished that they could be just as free. They can, they just have to know that there is very little consequence to following one's gut.

So I am going to follow my gut w/all the guys...until they make me annoyed or mad. Grrrr! :P

All right, back to my happy self again...

what I seek

Party weekend. Going out tonight, Fri and Sat night.

Board member aka Uncle asked if I can cancel my plans tomorrow night to go to a dinner w/Willie Brown. Uncle promised that I'll learn from Willie Brown. No thanks. I know he is one of the most powerful people, but I am out to celebrate with my friend at this fundraiser.

Going to put some effort to talk to guys. This year is all about changing myself. The dating has been so fun, and I don't see any end to that. Still, time to mix it up. Will try to talk to 2 guys at each event. Never know!

always enough time and money

Took my match profile off the site this morning.

Over time, I have trained myself to get more out of my time and money. Looking at my match experience this past year, it wasn't the best use of my time.

I demand so much of my time and money that if any experience doesn't feel worthy, I move on.

How do I know? What is the litmus test? Again, intuition. Making the right choices should be so easy that you know they are meant to be. If an experience isn't working, then move on. Don't dwell. Holding onto something that is not meant to be just drains our spirits.

Take my second car. From the purchase to the sale, it's been a beautiful and fun experience! Now that the car is taking up more of my time and money given other priorities, it's time to let it go. The buyer is picking it up tomorrow, and I will move on to the next big thing.

Wonder what is that next big thing (or person)?!

yet another dating theory

E asked me today why all these people are single when we all seem to want the same thing. The men just want a nice girl, and the women just want a nice guy...

It's not that simple. I think there are two deterrents.

One is that our criteria have been warped by our unrealistic expectations. The men don't just want a nice girl. She has to be HOT, smart, educated and stylish. The women don't just want a nice guy. He has to be tall, handsome, athletic, funny, and make more money than her.

Hey, I am just summarizing these past few years' research. Personally, no two guys have been alike in my dating history.

The second challenge to finding someone is unwillingness to compromise. My divorce is a big lesson in that I was not ready to compromise with someone else. Maybe our generation has it too easy. We all grow up so cuddled by our families and live so comfortably that we don't know how to deal with adversity.

Unless we have had a very successful relationship in our 20s, most singles in our early 30s are out of practice when it comes to compromising with others. Most of us don't even have roommates because we can afford to have our own places.

Perhaps the number one consequence of busy work lives and zero community involvement is the loss of training ground for how to compromise. The work place is not a substitute for how to deal with people because there is the common goal of profit or getting something done. It is only through settling conflicting goals that we learn how to compromise.

unrealistic expectation + refusal to compromise = not finding someone

I am going to apply this theory on myself. Hopefully the match experience will be a starting point. I did e-mail a couple of people back. Will keep you posted.

love is in the air

I really need to get my broken camera issue resolved. Saw this couple hugging right in the middle of Financial District today and wished I had a camera to capture their infatuation for one another. What was even more cute was the way the woman was slightly embarrassed.

They are definitely in that beginning lovey-dovey stage. It got me to think, hey, I have had more of those moments than anyone I know, since I tend to end things when it starts to go downhill but before they crash and burn. Yet I can always jump right back into dating w/o the baggage or the fear.

In that instant, I was glad for my life. Rather than focusing on all the issues of a marriage or a serious relationship, which I did in the past, I can just enjoy those sweet moments. Why be conventional and settle down before I am good and ready? If it's meant to be, that next guy is going to be the one!

the best manager...

...is not always the nicest. That person is the most respected. Sometimes a manager has to make difficult choices for the good of the team.

After hearing that advice at a b-school forum two nights ago, I put theory to practice.

I urged my General Manager not to be nice but to be fair in a matter. He is so nice that he always end up doing more work or put the company at risk.

I like to think that I am a nice person, but I also want to do the right thing.

Sometimes being right requires disappointing people who were expecting too much. Hey, that's what dating is all about.

:D

from my match profile - active again

Welcome! You are now entering the sphere where good things happen.

This is a place where laughter is the universal language, and everyone knows just what to do upon arrival. Life is easy here because this is where preparation meets opportunity.

Success happens much more than failure because each person is confident in following intuition. Everyone constantly learns in order to make wiser choices.

The goal is that perfect balance of work, play and relationships. All three requires diligence, faith and creativity. Other key values include friendship, fun and upmost respect for one another.

What you will not find here: unrealistic expectations and fear. Expectations oppose the values of acceptance and understanding. Fear negates communications. Rather than wanting what is not there and being afraid of what is true, simply enjoy the moment and the answers will reveal themselves.

Good luck. May you find what you seek.

silicon valley syndrom

Carpooled with friends down to the hike Sunday, and on the way back, we talked about how the Valley's culture is different.

It's driven, and that's a turn-off.

Maybe it's the fact that the young people are relatively isolated from families and people in other age groups. The way people get to know one another is to show off their latest gadgets and to list their professional and financial accomplishments.

Even the restaurant owner had a conversation with us about someone's new Blackjack.

Where are the people into intrinsic things like culture and acceptance?