the accused

One of my girlfriends wanted to buy a dress for a wedding. I suggested Georgiou Outlet on Bryant. They've got stuff at 50-80% off retail and good designs. I even offer to meet her there b/c she seemed to appreciate the suggestion in the past.

After trying on quite a few choices, she I did find something with my help. We went our separate ways afterwards.

Just now, I got a phone call from her. She claimed that her MAC compact was missing from her purpose, and she suspected that I took it.

What?! Why would I want to take a used eyeshow compact from a friend?

Anyways, she claimed that her purse was open after I held it for her, and it was zipped before that. She also said that she doesn't know me that well. Okay, I have been giving this woman advice for the past year, sometimes weekly, and we don't know each other well?

I just told her that I did not take it and wished her luck. I cannot even get upset about the false accusation because it was not true. Also, my heart goes on to the person who jump to conclusion that a friend would do something bad to her.

Perhaps this is meant to be. If I am meant to lose a friend over something petty, then so be it. I hope she does figure out the truth soon because this will eat away at her like so many other things.

Is this what is meant of that saying "one's lot in life"? It's not so much what happens to us that seals our fate but how we react to everyday events...

walking

So I heard back from the Chairman. I don't understand how can a raise "be incorporate into the incentive program"...

I started to look at jobs today. The road to build more housing does not have to be a straight path.

Things that give me joy:

public library/books on reserve
farmers market
produce on sale
yoga
gym
newspaper
figuring out how to do/fix/clean stuff
cooking
thrift stores
unlocking the mysteries of cities

Of course, there are also the things to do w/other people, but these are the things I can count on, no matter what.

the easy things

Asked for a raise today. After busting my butt for 7 months. It's time to reassess my value to the company.

Funny, at the last job, not getting the raise I asked for made it that much easier to leave. In the current job, not getting the raise will just make it that much easier to strike out on my own.

I don't doubt my ability to contribute, but asking for the raise means that I look at myself differently than when I first started.

One thing why I love to work is because work comes naturally for me. In comparison to sports or relationships, I always know what to do on the job. In some ways, work is addictive because it's predictable. Even the way some colleagues take work too seriously is predictable.

Even though I see some challenges at the current job, I know the only way to push myself to the limit is to strike out on my own. More than ever, the one thing I cannot do right now is spend more time with my parents. Working for myself will only take up more energy, but I believe the right opportunity will make everything happen.

Just have to be patient. Tomorrow I'll have some answers. It'll be an interesting test of the board.

composure

Scary. Today, I lost my temper while talking to an ex-employee of my company who is working for the company next door. This person did not get along with his supervisor and was transfered to the other company owned by some of the same investors.

The person left his desk a mess, so I had asked through his colleague to clean it up. It never got done. Then, the Secretary of the Board asked him to do so. She is also the wife of the main investor of both companies.

He came to me today and said that he cannot clean up the desk because none of the items belonged to him. Fine, I said, then just help the person who is taking over the task sort through everything and clear out the cubicle. He kept acting dumb and insisted loudly that he cannot clean up the area.

Unfortunately, I got sucked into this childish behavior and raised my voice as well. It went on for ten minutes. I even said that if he was more organized, then we would not have to even clean up the area (cheap shot, I know).

Luckily, I had to leave for a meeting, so I caved in and said that another employee and I will take care of it.

The reason why this person is still around is because he is married to another one of my co-worker whose father is an influential political figure in a foreign country. In any other company, this person would have been shown the pink slip long ago.

I am ashamed of myself too, since I lowered myself to his level. After working both days this past weekend, I am not at my best. Well, this is all behind me now.

The saddest part of all is that I pity his wife. To be married to someone that doesn't garner other people's respect...

live dangerously

My life is too easy, so I try to live on the edge by packing it in.

I have been working nonstop for the past 9 days. The trick to make it exciting and not dreadful is to do something fun every singel day. Sunday was an impromptu meal at home for a friend. Monday night was a last-minute dinner at Beldon Lane and dessert at Sweet Inspirations. Tonight was hitting the gym after a 2.5 hour community meeting which I am an appointed committee member.

Tomorrow is cooking dinner for 4. I have yet to shop at all. To get the freshest seafood, I will head to the market at 7am, when it opens and shop quickly. It'll be close as I have a 830 meeting every Wednesday.

What can add to the stress is the cleaning of the whole place and making sure that I have that one or two surprise element in the meal. There is something about serving something that people don't usually eat that adds to the finishing touch. For a while I was insistent about serving fresh pineapple b/c so few people ever eat the fresh ones at home. The fresh seafood is part of it. I don't claim to be a great cook, but I try to bring out the flavor in fresh food.

Of course, this is all happening the week that I have deposition prep and four after-work functions. I am learning to say no by cutting back Thursday and missing two night meetings. It is important to push back because then people understand that I do have limitations. I am going to visit a friend who is a stay-at-home mom and her young daughter. Someone else is cooking for me for a change!

Oh, and I am cooking the third meal on Friday. The best part is that the bathroom and floor are going to be clean, since I always clean right before company arrives. One secret to a good first impression is to polish all shinny surfaces!

choices

Having worked both Saturday and Sunday, the weekend felt short. Still, I was able to do almost everything on my list, from dragon boat practice to dancing to cooking dinner for a friend. The only regret is not driving to the East Bay to visit my mother.

I don't hold any negativity towards work because it's just a learning experience. In some ways, I have carved out all the time I need for my personal life. It's about being so organized that I plan for fun along with the work committments.

Take this week, I was scheduled to give two more bus tours after work, but I am going to bow out of the one on Thursday to go visit a friend and her baby daughter. I am going to take some heat for missing a community meeting that same evening, but I have already talked to people to cover for me.

I am very lucky that I am junior enough to still make these choices, but isn't the point of career stability so we can dictate our schedule? In the end, it's about being clear of my priorities. I know where I am going, and I am getting there on my terms.

bet everything

Sometimes you have to put all your chips on the table to find out the other party's hand.

Today, I finally confronted the person I have been causally dating for months. I risked it all and found the truth. To put it bluntly, we concluded that I have yet to rank above his friends. That was not something I was prepared to hear but had to hear to finally move on.

I am taking my own advice. It's either the man or the timeline. You either follow the man until he is ready, or you have to find someone who is ready when you are. I am finally ready for a partner, and this person is just not it. So I am once again, moving on.

circles

Last night, I took off work early, since I'll be working both Sat and Sun.

Went to check out First Thursday, the art gallery openings until 730 in downtown SF the first Thursdays of every month. Met up with my friend and his friends. My friend went to RISD (Rhode Island School of Design), and some of the people and artists there were alums. We picked one of the buildings that had about 20 galleries and went down floor by floor.

Even though I frequent museums, this is a totally different scene, complete with its own dress code. The crowd consisted of art students, buyers and artists. Then there were people like me, who dressed so conservatively in comparison that I actually stood out. It was fascinating to people watch. I had never seen so many men (many hetero) who put so much effort into their looks!

And the shoes!!

It was such a creative experience. The night confirmed my belief that to be my best I must learn from the world and seek out new scenes and make them my own. I hope to go back to the gallery openings in the next few months and dress more appropriately next time!

advice

The odd thing about advice is that it's someone else's opinion about how I should run my life.

Why would I take advice from someone else besides myself when no one knows me as well?

This is why I rarely takes other's advice. I suggest that you do the same and figure it out for yourself. Yes, it takes more effort, but the outcome will be entirely your own.

freedom

Feelin' free b/c I don't have to be anything except myself.

To fully accept myself means to allow myself to go with my whim. So what if it's not what YOU would do? So what if my choices don't seem right (to you)?

I have never been happier, yet more and more, I am meeting people who are weighted down by their worries.

Go ahead, dance around. Just like how I love to tear up the dance floor, I am quite enjoying this craziness of moving through life without a care in the world!

diversity

Had a conversation with a girlfriend last night who is always hard on herself. We even have a phrase for how she is: Shouda, Coulda, Woulda. She sometimes looks back at her past and regrets over what could have been.

I, on the other hand, looks forward. To me, the past happened already. Move on. Yes, I struggle with the present like anyone else, but I know that things will get better soon enough.

One thing that has helped me to cope with disappointments and challenges is diversity. By being exposed to so many different lifestyles and personalities ever since I was a kid, I know that my life is meant to have it own unique course.

Take wealth. Many people long for the life of the rich but really doesn't know all the responsibilities that come with wealth. I was fortunately to have witnessed the lives of several financially successful people through relatives and family friends. One fact of life that I learned before I was even ten was that wealthy people are not necessarily happier than the poor or the middle class.

Even though I strive for financial security like most people, I approach money very differently. I am fine with buying things second-hand or not eat out all the time if it means that I can have more free time.

By being with people who have money and those who don't have quite as much, I can see for myself what is it that I truly value.

Take many attorneys that I know. Many of them were enticed by the money and the prestige of the industry. Little did they know that the road to partnership is filled with long hours and overwhelming amount of work. It's also a profession that gives its workers so much money that it is not easy to walk away from the lifestyles of cleaning people and posh residents.

In the end, it's about one's values. There is no right or wrong values, since most people base their values on learned lessons and personal experience. Diversity does remind me that I have a lot more choices and don't have to settle for the obvious values, like marriage or wealth.

help oneself

Sometimes life goes up, sometimes it comes down.

It's been a very tough two weeks for my mother. For some reason, her empty-nest syndrome is in full force even though all three of us have left home for more than a couple of years.

One thing that is unique in my mother's life is that people have always catered to her. From her parents, friends, spouse and children, she is used to having people give into her every whim.

Unfortunately, the one exception is me. Keeping a very busy schedule has meant that I don't always see her or do everything for her that she needs. I subscribe to the air mask theory of giving. The airlines are always telling us to put the face mask on ourselves before helping others. I am selfish in that I can only give as much as I am whole, so that means I don't do as much for my mother as other people in her life.

It's just personality. I take pride in doing everything for myself and rely on people very rarely. For my mother, she has gotten used to people serving her and is having a hard time with the fact that there is not one person she can rely on any more. Even my father, who allowed my mother to sleep in when we were growing up (doesn't everyone's father make breakfast while the mother slept in?), is terminally ill and not always able to cater to her.

This episode of watching my mother's frustration has taught me that one must be flexible enough to adapt to change. Even though I am surrounded by friends and things to do in the City, there will be one day when I am more alone. The key is to stay one step ahead of one's circumstances.

clarity

When I see things for what they truly are
rather than what I wish them to be
or what I assume them to be,
that's when I have all the answers.

It's been absolutely the best weekend.

No, not all of my problems are solved,
but then, I don't have real problems in my life,
only facts that are not excepted fully.

Perhaps this is the power of the subconscious.
When we ask a question into the air,
the answers often take a while to appear.

What is needed is complete silence.
And faith.

I've always had the latter b/c of my intuition.
Now I also have stillness and clarity.

What is the most surprising is that one man
gave me the key to unlock the power within.

de-stress

After driving in crazy traffic and not getting enough sleep the whole weekend, I was all too glad to get home last night after my weekend in Tahoe.

The first thing was preparing a meal for my out-of-town guests. Something about the process of buying fresh food, figuring out a menu and actually cooking a full meal calmed me down instantly.

The minute I sniffed fruit at Safeway and peered at the seafood display, I felt rejuvenated. Nothing quite like the washing, chopping, marinating, seasoning and sauteeing the meats and vegetables to make me myself again.

Yes, life is about all this and many other simple things that make me happy!

unexpected wisdom

Went to Tahoe for the weekend. A blast. Nothing like getting away and doing nothing except eat and walk around.

In one conversation with my friend, he pointed out that some of us are attracted to people not quite right for us because we are just not ready to settled down.

I've always been honest with myself and others that I am not ready to settle down. Still, it was in that moment I see how silly I have been trying to have relationships with men who couldn't be bothered.

Just like that, I am no longer going to force any relationship on anyone. At the same time, I am going to stay aways from people who expect too much from me. Or at least just be politely refuse their well intentions.

small victories

Yesterday, my GM asked me to review a new contract with our environmental consultants. My company is in litigation, and our attorneys have asked the environmental consultants for additional services.

After reviewing the contract, I e-mailed the GM on why the fee for litigation work is 50% more than their regular fee. The main environmental consultant was already the top-billing person from that company.

The GM then directly forwarded my e-mail to the VP at environmental consulting company...

This morning, I received an e-mail from the VP: they are knocking off the increase and billing us the regular rate. Yeah!

This incident follows a similar event two month ago. I urged the GM in June to challenge a summer associate's billing b/c summer associates tends to bill excessively due to the steep learning curve. After continually checking in with the GM, the GM finally pushed the partner for an answer. We were able to slash that associate's billing by half. Yet another victory for the company.

More than ever, I feel absorbed by work. It's not a bad thing, since I am still getting to do all the fun things in my life... Life feels lucky.

dark side

So I am trying to explain the last blog entry to a friend, and it occurred to me that this friend is just too nice to understand.

Having a dark side means making unpopular choices and taking big risks. It's rejecting the conventional choices and mocking the assumptions.

The dark side is also all about being overly sensitive and seeing the danger of not questioning everything.

I have worked hard to cultivate my lifestyle. I value the abrupt starts and stops in almost every area of my life. By changing careers and romantic partners, I can decide for myself what is right and what is next.

For all the people I have stepped on or cast aside, I do apologize. However, for those who have kept up the intellectual and emotional ping-pong, the best is still ahead. We may not always agree, but in showing you my dark side, we are the best of friends.

heart ache

By spending so much time of late with people who are supportive, it is now easy to identify people who just cannot accept me for who I am.

As much as these relatives and friends mean to me, I have to limit my time with them.

I blame myself for being overly sensitive, but there is no need to wonder about matters that cannot be helped.

In the past, I just let the pressures built up. Now, thanks to more time with people who can accept me unconditionally, I can let go of the ties that bind.

Some people are just not meant to be part of the journey forward.

turn off

Went to a b-day party last night. It was in the lounge area of a restaurant and was mellow. Got to really talk to people without having to shout too much, so that was nice.

Despite the laid-back atmosphere, one guy and one woman stood out in my mind b/c they were intense. Specifically, they were more close-minded.

The guy and I were talking about his new home in SOMA. I mentioned that DNA Lounge, right by his place, was a cool place. Immediately, he commented that the club was grungy, as if the place reaked. I tried to explain why I liked the place, but his overwhelming dislike for the place dominated the conversation.

Okay, see you later sir...

A few minutes later, I was talking to this woman. It turns out that we met at a pool party a month before. I made the connection b/c I rarely go down to the South Bay, so I knew I must have met her at one of the two times I was down there this year.

She didn't recognize me because my hair was different. I joked that my hair only look this good when I get out of the salon, where I was a few hours before the party. She immediately commented that I could make my hair look that way, but I was just lazy and unwilling to make my hair look good. It was so shocking to be accused of being lazy that I was defensive. Still, I managed to laugh it off and change the subject.

Then I remembered her once again, with this hostile attitude at the pool party...

Despite these incidents, the party was fun! I caught up with a few friends and met some new people. Still, the negative experiences stood out because I hope to always give people a positive experience. I believe one of the fundamental duties of being human is to bring joy to others' lives by accepting them unconditionally.

For those times when I judged you or made you uncomfortable. I apologize. I promise that I will continue to strive to be a delightful person, especially to all of you that I care so much about!!