now I know...

...how it feels to work 14-hour days, and the next two days promise to be intense as the company follows up on the next political battle... yawn...time to rest...

inspiration

Had lunch today with the President of the Housing Leadership Council of San Mateo County. Some friends of ours suggested the meeting because Mark and I are both interested in affordable housing. Mark plan to help put in 25,000 units of housing in San Mateo County, which would be ten percent of the existing stock.

During our last meeting in LA, I confided in Mark that I wasn't sure about my current job. Today, we revisited what's next. He asked me to think about my ideal job, disregarding all constraints.

Hum.

Given that I believe in fate, I never gave the future much thought. In some ways, my 2-page resume reflects the inability to settle down on a path. At the same time, I need that wide range of experiences to know that there is a better fit. For example, my office does not have a receptionist now. The board doesn't think we need one after the last one left. It's about efficiency. So many of us scramble for the phone now that it's inefficient.

Well, I have an interview tomorrow with the Mayor's Office of Housing. We'll see.

not ready

Came out of a city council meeting last night at 1030. My first thought was thank goodness that I don't have anyone to go home to. It's like the summer of 98, when I was in law school and clerked with the LA Redevelopment Agency. I attended numerous Political Action Committees (PACs) at night and on weekends.

It was fun when I was 20 because I was learning so much. I am still learning, but now there are competiting interests ten years later. I have dinner guests tonight and Thursday night. A bachelorette party in Vegas over the weekend. Want to squeeze 2 visits to the gym this week and practice my golf at the range before my trip.

Feel glad that I am moving on from the latest guy. There was a bit of disappointment because he was so wonderful, but he and I both know that we are both not ready to connect with anyone deeply. Given that we both feel the same, let's see if a friendship can develop. I don't usually stay friends with dates, but it happens.

the p-word

I like to think I enlighten people with my wealth of knowledge. Unfortunately, my passion to share information touched several nerves this weekend.

At a bridal shower, I supported the concept of a pre-nuptial agreement. I have never gotten so many dirty looks! Most people there didn't support it.

The reality is that with 50% of the marriage ending in divorce, prenup is the necessary insurance. How many of us get home insurance when very few things ever happen in a given year?

Still, I am glad I spoke up. What was the most surprising was how little people knew about the subject. I was in a room full of married women and women wanting to get married. Please! It is sad how much ignorance exists in the relm of dating and marriage.

birthday present

I had one of my best birthdays ever. Yes, it involved a man... The best day trip ever.

The romance is over for me. After 14 hours, I can tell that the magic is not meant to be. It's not official, but somehow, there is enough said and not said for me to get the message loud and clear.

Everyone else knew this from the beginning that he is not the right one for me. Still, to have a man make me so happy that I can deflect all negative words and events of late, it was indeed magical.

I date not just to find my soulmate. I venture into the emotional unknown to grow and to have those special experiences. This last round was so perfect in its own way. I did fall in love and out of it without getting hurt. I am forever transformed.

Let's hope this next year is just as lucky.

oh no...

I went out with this guy briefly who used to say "Oh no!" whenever something goes wrong. It was endearing in the beginning because his "Oh no!" had genuine fear and worry in the tone. Then it got to be annonying. Yes, I know we are late for the movie, but do you have to make it so stressful?

Still, when I am having a bad moment now, I just say to myself that I am having a "Oh no!" moment. Which is today.

I always know when someone is not the right person any more. It can be sad b/c sometimes the other person never see it coming.

We had so much potential. We are about to spend 12 hours on a road trip tomorrow. Oh well, I am going as a platonic friend. It's fine. I don't think he can tell the difference.

I was so sad last night (sadness preceeds "Oh no!" moments). Sometimes I wish I was not intuitive and don't have to go through guys like tissues. Well, this is who I am, and I am better for it. I always know when it was time to move on.

trade offs

The best thing about dating is that casual stage where you are just happy to see the other person. Little expectation is a great thing. The tough thing about dating is how to keep it at that casual stage indefinitely.

In a culture that is always rushing to the end result and plenty of people wanting to walk down the isle, it's hard to find that person who is fine with just dating.

Now that I finally found someone who is just right, I am rushing ahead of myself. It's so silly to want to change things when the best part is to enjoy the moment. I love how I am changing as a result of dating this person. It's bliss, but I was on the verge of ruining it. Luckily, in talking to girlfriends (including my mom) who can see that I am happier, it's silly to want to change.

Change is inevitable. Fate is inevitable. I will just let it all happen naturally.

just like that!

I finally got over my issues with work. Almost overnight, I came to terms with work. It started with an e-mail from M, a very driven girlfriend. She reminded me to tune out the politics and just learn from the experience.

Then, the light bulb went off. I had been sucked in to the petty politics at work. Everyone there has their own agenda, but I don't have to agree or disagree. I am there to learn! Perfect timing, because I was just recruited for a new PR project. My assignment: to interface with the Asian community around our project and drum up support. No kidding, the PR consultant suggested that I hang out at bus stops. Of course, this is the Asian community - heading to the Chinese restaurants and the library first!

Worked until 830 tonight, and I have lots of Saturdays and late nights ahead. Excited because I know that this is also why I have been single all this time. I am finally ready to give my career all I've got!

HTGTG

Been following the show - How To Get the Guy. It's a good show in that it confirms so many of my own beliefs, including that you don't have to do too much to find a significant other. When you are ready, whoever that is ready too will be the one. It's all fate!

The show is very entertaining in that it showcases SF beautifully. Even though I enjoy being single, I do miss sharing a great city with that special someone.

Good thing for single friends. Last Sunday, went Rollerblading along the Embarcadero with a couple of guy friends. After, two more friends joined us for bunch. It was lovely. My first time. The skating was so much better along the waterfront than at the Park! Who knew? The key is numbers. I must have invited 15 people, and 5 is a great turnout! Next up, more brunch. Are you in?

don't have to live by rules

The best thing about dating in my 30s is that I have zero pressure. I am not looking for romance, financial support, or even marriage. Been through all of those things, and if they happen again, great. If not, I'll probably be even better because that means I will be persuing something of great value too.

More than ever, my gut directs my actions. Being completely in touch with my instincts means there are no mistakes. I do what I belive to be right and follow my sixth sense.

This weekend, I managed to go to the East Bay and back to SF twice. Once via BART and once driving. I played 2 sports, saw my family twice, went to a picnic, washed the car, cooked dinner for a friend, saw a movie and read a book. It was a blast. Still, someone asked how I got all that energy. I realized that is the very reason to trust one's instinct.

By not following the rules or worrying about how my life is following the "right" path, I am able to move easily between all my committments and all my priorities.

The same cannot be said for work. I am wasting so much energy at work because I am using my logic rather than my gut to move forward in work. It's time to set aside the rules in working and get back to that ease I had at the last job. From the minute I submitted my resume to the day I gave notice, I moved in warped speed by paying attention to the signals from the people and the environment. It was not entirely luck that my last day was when a significant group gave notice to leave the company too. By staying in touch with many ex-co-workers, I know that my departure was at the right time.

Being in the present is something I am good at, but I let the pretension and the culture of my current work encourage me to look behind all too often. It's time to be myself and not let others tell me who I am.

beyond my control

Today, a co-worker yelled so loudly at another co-worker that two managers on the other side of the office (about 30 feet away) came over to calm him down.

If I work in a regular office, that person would be sent immediately to anger-management class or perhaps fired. Of course, I work in an office where many staff members, including myself, came through the back door. Thus, nothing more than some scolding by everyone, and the guy is off the hook.

Ironically, even though I joined the company to make a difference (and I am proud of my work thus far), I just make matters worse by enforcing the culture of favoritism.

I finally realized that my biggest critics are the people above me. There is some resentment that it took me no time to get here while many toiled for years. Guess being able to hide my scars behind my optimism makes others see me as a princess.

time to chill

My workout buddy came to the gym very late this morning. She got caught behind an accident on the way to the gym. She came into the weights area to tell me that she was heading striaght to the shower.

Not knowing if there was anything I could do, I offered to buy her some bagels from the shop upstairs. It's her favorite, so I know that would cheer her up. By the time she got ready, she was diffused. We still got our girls talk in. Even though I was a few minutes late to work, I knew it was the right call.

This morning was another reminder that when things don't go your way, it's time to stop and chill and get back to your center.

encouragement

After the regular weekly team meeting today, our PR consultant stayed after to speak with me privately. He and I reviewed our upcoming projects. Then, the consultant reminded me that I have the leadership skills to make our projects happen. I offered to volunteer my time with a prominent local group, but the consultant wanted more. He suggested that I try to change the internal culture and assert more control within the company.

As much as I believe in realizing my potential, I just don't want to step on my supervisor and general manager's toes (not to mention a very stubborn board).

The biggest news from today's conversation is finding out that the reason I have been assigned several petty assignment (write the corporate instructional manual?!) is because the Chairman of the Board doubt my ability. The consultant hinted that he had approached the Chairman to put me in more public positions, but the Chairman fears my lack of experience will harm the company.

It's bad enough that I am often the only woman in a room, and now my age and professional experience are being questioned.

I have sent out a couple of job applications, and I am more motivated than ever to move on. This job is like a bad relationship. I don't want to blame anyone or myself. It's just not meant to be. It was nice to hear the positive feedback from the consultant, but not hearing those encouragements from this office is a sign that I need to move on.

dependency

E-mailed a friend to suggest carpooling to a third friend's bridal shower. She replied yes and proceeded to asked about a group dinner with another friend who moved into town. I had offered the dinner months ago, but she was studying for a Series 7 exam and canceled.

It's the same thing everytime. I organize get-togethers, usually cook the food or have it at a restaurant. All I ask is a couple of hours of someone's time.

Now that the friend is done with her exam, she turns around and asked about the dinner. I know that she is expecting that I organize another get-together for the three of us. Perhaps cook for her. In her e-mail, there wasn't any suggestion of where or when, it was just an expectation of the same offer.

It's my own fault. By always being accommodating, people rely on me. Well, that was then. My priorities have changed, and now if you want to do something, plan it. MAYBE I'll show up. I'll give you plenty of notice (not the week of) if something more important comes up though.

petty

One great thing about believing in fate is that I can accept most unexpected events. Tonight, my flight was delayed, and of course, this is the only time in the last 5 years that I asked for a ride. The person ended up having to go to a different airport and being late for visiting a relative.

On the other hand, I also wonder if mishaps are fate's way of reminding me to change course. It's hard to know what to believe when there are so many signs that my heart is wrong.

Good thing that I am always reading nonfiction that puts everything into perspective. Am getting back to reading different subjects to answer my own questions, from health to cultures to cities. Reading things I didn't know before is a constant reminder that all the people giving me advice don't necessiarly know better.

Perhaps the most comforting effect of fate is that it erases all doubts and frustrations. I know that everything is meant to be, and that knowledge sets me free to keep taking risks and follow my intuition.

freedom

Went to a small designer shopping event. It's like those electronic shows they have at convention centers except this one is for clothing and assessories. Not wanting to deal with traffic and parking, I took the bus. A great idea! The event was fun, and I had almost door-to-door chauffeur service.

Taking the bus gives me so much freedom. I can read, rest, learn the streets in order (THIS is how I know SF so well), and mostly, practice my gratitude for life. According to scientific research, the only proven indicator of happiness is gratitude (not health, wealth, or even family).

Riding the bus is also a very natural way to interact with the rest of the city. Besides tourists, the rides are always telling of what the city is about. Tonight, there were a lot of the working crowd and young people just out of school and the party crowd b/c it's Thursday. For someone like me who lives a very sheltered life, public transportation reminds me that I am just lucky. Many people don't have a car not because they don't work hard or are not frugal.

It does bother me that many people who have achieved financial freedom criticism others for laziness or poverty. Success is learned, but fate alters whether we interact with those opportunities to learn about what it takes.

I don't even have what it takes, but I happen to be very lucky in meeting people who inspires me, starting with my parents. Well, more on that another time. Have to get up early to build a Habitat for Humanities house tomorrow!

the constants

Last night, a late night workout at the gym got me thinking: what are my constants?

Constants are the things that one can count on and with little uncertainty.

For me, the constants are many: family, friends (the friends can change, but the ability to connect with them is the sure thing), workouts, driving my car, libraries, cooking good food, finding good deals, and the list goes on.

The two things missing from my list of constants are work and relationship. I lost that complete confidence in my job when I started this new job. Finding another job is a way to try to make my job a constant again.

Same thing with dating. Having had few periods where a man is a constant in my life, I know it's more fate than actual effort. Still, dating someone who is not quite ready for a relationship, I have to wonder where I stand on the committment scale. Oh yeah, one thing that is not and will never be a constant - feeling desparate!

setbacks

So I set up my wireless network (after talking to my personal tech support - my brother).

It proceeded to work for all of 10 minutes. Am back to the plugged version of DSL.

No time to figure this out today. Too worned out from work. Glad I am sending out those resumes.

Am taking a poll on this whole dating multiple people concept. Know lots of people who did/are doing this. What is the proper protocol? Is it allowed until the exclusivity conversation is brought up? Do I have to say anything to the first guy, or is it part of what dating is?

We shall find out...

yet another inspiration

Yesterday, I went to a open house at The Lansing in Rincon Hill. What an impressive building. After living at The Met, the building across the street, and finding fault with that design, I thought high rises were all the same - great if you can afford the view, but too small and pricing for entertaining.

The tour gave me new hope that Rincon Hill will be the area that put San Francisco on the world map. Besides having bedrock (less prone to earthquake damages) and the views, the world-class architecture may transform the City.

Read up on the developer, Lambert Development. The company also built The Brannan, a beautiful complex in South Beach. The research gave me new focus. If a developer can bring the design necessary to curb all criticism, then I too can change the world. Maybe a grand complex is not in my stars, but seeing The Lansing made me want to do great things.

Now, if they can just revamp the isolated neighborhood (and the main reason I moved out of the area)...

pity

Saturday night was the usual dancing with friends. We always have the best times b/c we don't much care being silly at the clubs (hurray for getting older!).

Someone else also didn't care what other people think. We noticed this cute young guy near us at one point. Perhaps the intensity was what drew our group's attention. Apparently, he was waiting for his gf. We realized this because he was yelling so loudly at her later on. Despite ear plugs and loud music, I could still hear him shouting at her with so much anger.

It was an unpleasant sight. I could only see her back and his face, but it was painful to witness the event. Perhaps he was so angry that he didn't mind making a scene.

What was even more scary was how long this went on. We must have danced an entire song. Maybe 5 minutes, but it felt like the whole night.

At one point, I really thought about going up to the woman and telling her that no one should take this kind of abuse from a man. That's what it was; I witnessed verbal abuse and felt the pain. Thinking now, her silence suggested that this has happened before.

From the crowd and his face, I could tell that they were younger. In that instant, I decided to just be a silent observer. Still, this memory will stay with me for a while. It was a day that made me very, very glad that no man has and will ever treat me like that...