don't have to live by rules

The best thing about dating in my 30s is that I have zero pressure. I am not looking for romance, financial support, or even marriage. Been through all of those things, and if they happen again, great. If not, I'll probably be even better because that means I will be persuing something of great value too.

More than ever, my gut directs my actions. Being completely in touch with my instincts means there are no mistakes. I do what I belive to be right and follow my sixth sense.

This weekend, I managed to go to the East Bay and back to SF twice. Once via BART and once driving. I played 2 sports, saw my family twice, went to a picnic, washed the car, cooked dinner for a friend, saw a movie and read a book. It was a blast. Still, someone asked how I got all that energy. I realized that is the very reason to trust one's instinct.

By not following the rules or worrying about how my life is following the "right" path, I am able to move easily between all my committments and all my priorities.

The same cannot be said for work. I am wasting so much energy at work because I am using my logic rather than my gut to move forward in work. It's time to set aside the rules in working and get back to that ease I had at the last job. From the minute I submitted my resume to the day I gave notice, I moved in warped speed by paying attention to the signals from the people and the environment. It was not entirely luck that my last day was when a significant group gave notice to leave the company too. By staying in touch with many ex-co-workers, I know that my departure was at the right time.

Being in the present is something I am good at, but I let the pretension and the culture of my current work encourage me to look behind all too often. It's time to be myself and not let others tell me who I am.

beyond my control

Today, a co-worker yelled so loudly at another co-worker that two managers on the other side of the office (about 30 feet away) came over to calm him down.

If I work in a regular office, that person would be sent immediately to anger-management class or perhaps fired. Of course, I work in an office where many staff members, including myself, came through the back door. Thus, nothing more than some scolding by everyone, and the guy is off the hook.

Ironically, even though I joined the company to make a difference (and I am proud of my work thus far), I just make matters worse by enforcing the culture of favoritism.

I finally realized that my biggest critics are the people above me. There is some resentment that it took me no time to get here while many toiled for years. Guess being able to hide my scars behind my optimism makes others see me as a princess.

time to chill

My workout buddy came to the gym very late this morning. She got caught behind an accident on the way to the gym. She came into the weights area to tell me that she was heading striaght to the shower.

Not knowing if there was anything I could do, I offered to buy her some bagels from the shop upstairs. It's her favorite, so I know that would cheer her up. By the time she got ready, she was diffused. We still got our girls talk in. Even though I was a few minutes late to work, I knew it was the right call.

This morning was another reminder that when things don't go your way, it's time to stop and chill and get back to your center.

encouragement

After the regular weekly team meeting today, our PR consultant stayed after to speak with me privately. He and I reviewed our upcoming projects. Then, the consultant reminded me that I have the leadership skills to make our projects happen. I offered to volunteer my time with a prominent local group, but the consultant wanted more. He suggested that I try to change the internal culture and assert more control within the company.

As much as I believe in realizing my potential, I just don't want to step on my supervisor and general manager's toes (not to mention a very stubborn board).

The biggest news from today's conversation is finding out that the reason I have been assigned several petty assignment (write the corporate instructional manual?!) is because the Chairman of the Board doubt my ability. The consultant hinted that he had approached the Chairman to put me in more public positions, but the Chairman fears my lack of experience will harm the company.

It's bad enough that I am often the only woman in a room, and now my age and professional experience are being questioned.

I have sent out a couple of job applications, and I am more motivated than ever to move on. This job is like a bad relationship. I don't want to blame anyone or myself. It's just not meant to be. It was nice to hear the positive feedback from the consultant, but not hearing those encouragements from this office is a sign that I need to move on.

dependency

E-mailed a friend to suggest carpooling to a third friend's bridal shower. She replied yes and proceeded to asked about a group dinner with another friend who moved into town. I had offered the dinner months ago, but she was studying for a Series 7 exam and canceled.

It's the same thing everytime. I organize get-togethers, usually cook the food or have it at a restaurant. All I ask is a couple of hours of someone's time.

Now that the friend is done with her exam, she turns around and asked about the dinner. I know that she is expecting that I organize another get-together for the three of us. Perhaps cook for her. In her e-mail, there wasn't any suggestion of where or when, it was just an expectation of the same offer.

It's my own fault. By always being accommodating, people rely on me. Well, that was then. My priorities have changed, and now if you want to do something, plan it. MAYBE I'll show up. I'll give you plenty of notice (not the week of) if something more important comes up though.

petty

One great thing about believing in fate is that I can accept most unexpected events. Tonight, my flight was delayed, and of course, this is the only time in the last 5 years that I asked for a ride. The person ended up having to go to a different airport and being late for visiting a relative.

On the other hand, I also wonder if mishaps are fate's way of reminding me to change course. It's hard to know what to believe when there are so many signs that my heart is wrong.

Good thing that I am always reading nonfiction that puts everything into perspective. Am getting back to reading different subjects to answer my own questions, from health to cultures to cities. Reading things I didn't know before is a constant reminder that all the people giving me advice don't necessiarly know better.

Perhaps the most comforting effect of fate is that it erases all doubts and frustrations. I know that everything is meant to be, and that knowledge sets me free to keep taking risks and follow my intuition.

freedom

Went to a small designer shopping event. It's like those electronic shows they have at convention centers except this one is for clothing and assessories. Not wanting to deal with traffic and parking, I took the bus. A great idea! The event was fun, and I had almost door-to-door chauffeur service.

Taking the bus gives me so much freedom. I can read, rest, learn the streets in order (THIS is how I know SF so well), and mostly, practice my gratitude for life. According to scientific research, the only proven indicator of happiness is gratitude (not health, wealth, or even family).

Riding the bus is also a very natural way to interact with the rest of the city. Besides tourists, the rides are always telling of what the city is about. Tonight, there were a lot of the working crowd and young people just out of school and the party crowd b/c it's Thursday. For someone like me who lives a very sheltered life, public transportation reminds me that I am just lucky. Many people don't have a car not because they don't work hard or are not frugal.

It does bother me that many people who have achieved financial freedom criticism others for laziness or poverty. Success is learned, but fate alters whether we interact with those opportunities to learn about what it takes.

I don't even have what it takes, but I happen to be very lucky in meeting people who inspires me, starting with my parents. Well, more on that another time. Have to get up early to build a Habitat for Humanities house tomorrow!

the constants

Last night, a late night workout at the gym got me thinking: what are my constants?

Constants are the things that one can count on and with little uncertainty.

For me, the constants are many: family, friends (the friends can change, but the ability to connect with them is the sure thing), workouts, driving my car, libraries, cooking good food, finding good deals, and the list goes on.

The two things missing from my list of constants are work and relationship. I lost that complete confidence in my job when I started this new job. Finding another job is a way to try to make my job a constant again.

Same thing with dating. Having had few periods where a man is a constant in my life, I know it's more fate than actual effort. Still, dating someone who is not quite ready for a relationship, I have to wonder where I stand on the committment scale. Oh yeah, one thing that is not and will never be a constant - feeling desparate!

setbacks

So I set up my wireless network (after talking to my personal tech support - my brother).

It proceeded to work for all of 10 minutes. Am back to the plugged version of DSL.

No time to figure this out today. Too worned out from work. Glad I am sending out those resumes.

Am taking a poll on this whole dating multiple people concept. Know lots of people who did/are doing this. What is the proper protocol? Is it allowed until the exclusivity conversation is brought up? Do I have to say anything to the first guy, or is it part of what dating is?

We shall find out...

yet another inspiration

Yesterday, I went to a open house at The Lansing in Rincon Hill. What an impressive building. After living at The Met, the building across the street, and finding fault with that design, I thought high rises were all the same - great if you can afford the view, but too small and pricing for entertaining.

The tour gave me new hope that Rincon Hill will be the area that put San Francisco on the world map. Besides having bedrock (less prone to earthquake damages) and the views, the world-class architecture may transform the City.

Read up on the developer, Lambert Development. The company also built The Brannan, a beautiful complex in South Beach. The research gave me new focus. If a developer can bring the design necessary to curb all criticism, then I too can change the world. Maybe a grand complex is not in my stars, but seeing The Lansing made me want to do great things.

Now, if they can just revamp the isolated neighborhood (and the main reason I moved out of the area)...

pity

Saturday night was the usual dancing with friends. We always have the best times b/c we don't much care being silly at the clubs (hurray for getting older!).

Someone else also didn't care what other people think. We noticed this cute young guy near us at one point. Perhaps the intensity was what drew our group's attention. Apparently, he was waiting for his gf. We realized this because he was yelling so loudly at her later on. Despite ear plugs and loud music, I could still hear him shouting at her with so much anger.

It was an unpleasant sight. I could only see her back and his face, but it was painful to witness the event. Perhaps he was so angry that he didn't mind making a scene.

What was even more scary was how long this went on. We must have danced an entire song. Maybe 5 minutes, but it felt like the whole night.

At one point, I really thought about going up to the woman and telling her that no one should take this kind of abuse from a man. That's what it was; I witnessed verbal abuse and felt the pain. Thinking now, her silence suggested that this has happened before.

From the crowd and his face, I could tell that they were younger. In that instant, I decided to just be a silent observer. Still, this memory will stay with me for a while. It was a day that made me very, very glad that no man has and will ever treat me like that...

inspiration

I am star-struck. To see someone that I have been reading about for over 10 years is awesome.

A friend of mine invited me to the City CarShare's fifth anniversary party (thanks LL). It was quite alternative, held in a contemporary art gallery, complete with recycled drink tickets that were fridge magnets.

Then, I heard that Nancy Pelosi will be receiving an award. Sure enough, after all the standard opening greetings, there she was, Ms. House Democratic Leader herself! What a passionate speaker. Every word was spoken with conviction. Of course, she received an award b/c her support help fund a very noble cause.

It's truly amazing. This was a small function, with maybe less than 100 people present. And there she was, the most powerful Democrat in DC, giving us her time.

It was one of those moments, where I have to ask myself, what have I done to change the world lately?

utopia

It's been a while since I have been at this place, so it still feels new.

This is the place when everything comes together. When I can just be myself, 24/7 and know that everything that I do is the right thing.

Especially with my man. Well, he is just the guy I am dating. Still, it's hit that point, where I can just be myself. This is the one thing that I have learned. The sooner I can be myself with him, including the neurotic side the better. Because I am old enough to know that I will not change, and it's time that he knows it too.

Wow, it's been so long, since I had want someone to get to know all of me. So humbling that I actually like someone enough that I can share all of me, and not just the me that everyone else sees.

So, we'll see...

my zen moment

There I was, sitting on the kitchen floor, scraping burnt meat off of my cooking grid. After 20 minutes, I was in a trance. It was euphoria, this total concentration.

Then I remembered this book I read a couple of years back: Flow by Csikszentmihalyi.

To achieve this connection between theory and real life was so satisfying. It also reminded me that I must get back to reading more! So much of what I read in those two years of being unemployed shaped me. What I am doing now to prepare for the present and the future?

one and only

This morning I complained yet once more about my current job situation to my mother. As usual, she had a no-nonsense response. Then, she added that it is unbecoming for me to complain about work. My mother suggested that I should just quietly look for something else and move on without more gripes.

Even though I don't always see eye to eye with my mother, I finally see the wisdom in her advice. As one of the most independent, well-educated and worldly person in my life, my mother has a unique outlook on life. When I was younger, much of her advice went counter to my beliefs. For example, she suggested dating lots in college, but I was insistent to be attached to one boyfriend. My mother saw the importance of career development for women in their 20s, but I had my heart set on a marriage.

The most amazing lesson I continue to learn from my mother is her relationship with my father. It is surprising to see such an independent woman do so much for her husband; it is even more rare to see my father give so much to her. It is a testiment of my mother's will that her opinion is always heard by everyone in the family. Most times the rest of the family listen because her voice is backed by reason and intellect.

So, starting today, I will downplay the troubles at work. After all, my mother had to fight racism at work during the 60s in the East Coast, so my job is not bad at all.

the two people...

Last night, I ate dinner and watched the end of the Suns-Spurs game with my parents. In three hours of hanging out with the two people who love me the most, all the frustration from work disappeared.

I joked with my parents that I don’t need a man because I have them two. My mother responded that they spoiled me too much, and that’s why I am single. Hehe. Maybe. For one thing, the guy will have to measure up to two of the most intelligent and caring people I know.

Plus, they don’t expect anything from me. Most men that I dated want me to be their ideal g/f or wife. I cannot be anyone’s ideal anything; I only know how to be me. And guess who taught me that?

Lately, I am starting to see that men have so much pressure to be a certain way. They have to be smart, funny, athletic, gentlemanly and successful. I am guilty of putting on the pressure…

It is hard. In the world where everyone is telling you what to do, good luck finding those two people who let you be you.

committed to planning

I submitted a job application this morning. It’s the first step in focusing on planning once again.

Over the weekend, I thought about how I have been unfairly characterizing my current job. It is the opportunity of a lifetime, but I just don’t love real estate development. Even though the thought of building multi-million-dollar projects seemed so exciting when I first heard of the opportunity, I am not quite ready to leave zoning and land use behind.

It is also about fit. After working at over twenty jobs in the last 18 years of my life, I know a thing or two about what makes me happy professionally. I need to be at a place where I can build on what I already know and be with people who share my core beliefs.

This current job is not working out because I spend so much energy trying to fix the system. I am not in the business of corporate re-organization, so why stay and write a corporate processes manual (my latest assignment)?

It is also timing. In three years, I would love to be able to juggle HR/accounting/PR challenges, but right now, I just want to be a zoning planner. We’ll see…

hidden treasure

Even though I questioned your feelings for me,
All doubts are set aside.

You are here for me, and
Have been there for me.

In your own way, you care.
I know because I am happier.

Unexpectedly,
You are changing me for the better.

I don't know what the future holds, but
Like I told you, I don't expect anything.

I do not expect because
The present is more than enough.

We have the present, and
It is mighty sweet.

the answer to my questions

It turns out that the answer I was looking for wasn't an answer at all.

It was a question, or rather, several questions.

I sat in a project meeting today, and my director asked: how are we going to make the deal work? (Let's just say that the answer includes how to resolve a 8-digit lawsuit.) Then, it dawned on me that this is the heart of my work now - problem solving.

Rather than focusing on the day-to-day getting things done, my job is all about how to make these multi-million/billion dollar projects come to life. All of a sudden, the minute details of dissatisfied co-workers seem less of an issue.

True, my own emotional responses have not gone away (neither has my neck strain), but now I have several purposes. First, to learn enough for the future. Two, to solve these big problems.

soul searching

Still coming to terms with work. I thought about the incredible opportunity to learn (one of the project is one of the largest development projects in the Bay Area) versus the stress. Rather than being caught up in the emotions, I am trying to focus on what I can control.

My motto to go with my gut does not work well because I am so distracted by all of my co-workers' frustration. People’s ability to vent speaks to the unprofessional atmosphere. I wonder if it’s the Chinese. Do those of us who speak Mandarin behave too casually with one another? Maybe. It also has to do with the way that the major investors of the company treats the staff as their own assistants.

More than ever, my personal life is so vital to my happiness. By having my life to anchor me, I am slowly figuring out how to deal with the unexpected pressures. I believe in fate, so the fact that I am doing four people’s job in a 50-hour week should not faze me. I need to be mindful that this job is a choice. I love to work and relish in my sense of accomplishment.

The emotional and physical reactions are instinctive reactions to the information from the outside world that may or may not have valid basis. Rather than trying to have all the answers, I need to do what I can to be productive.

Even though my masseuse and I discussed a job change, I know that there is still much to learn. Given that one big dream is to build affordable housing units (condos or apartments), I need to be here to learn the entire process. With four development projects, I will get to that point of striking out on my own faster. I rather learn the lessons now than later, when a grant may depend on my expertise.

It was a good day. Doing simple things tonight remind me that I do intend to create a strong work identity because I want to earn respect through my work. Like my father, I want my work to have an impact on the world and to be identified through my contribution.