freedom

Went to a small designer shopping event. It's like those electronic shows they have at convention centers except this one is for clothing and assessories. Not wanting to deal with traffic and parking, I took the bus. A great idea! The event was fun, and I had almost door-to-door chauffeur service.

Taking the bus gives me so much freedom. I can read, rest, learn the streets in order (THIS is how I know SF so well), and mostly, practice my gratitude for life. According to scientific research, the only proven indicator of happiness is gratitude (not health, wealth, or even family).

Riding the bus is also a very natural way to interact with the rest of the city. Besides tourists, the rides are always telling of what the city is about. Tonight, there were a lot of the working crowd and young people just out of school and the party crowd b/c it's Thursday. For someone like me who lives a very sheltered life, public transportation reminds me that I am just lucky. Many people don't have a car not because they don't work hard or are not frugal.

It does bother me that many people who have achieved financial freedom criticism others for laziness or poverty. Success is learned, but fate alters whether we interact with those opportunities to learn about what it takes.

I don't even have what it takes, but I happen to be very lucky in meeting people who inspires me, starting with my parents. Well, more on that another time. Have to get up early to build a Habitat for Humanities house tomorrow!

the constants

Last night, a late night workout at the gym got me thinking: what are my constants?

Constants are the things that one can count on and with little uncertainty.

For me, the constants are many: family, friends (the friends can change, but the ability to connect with them is the sure thing), workouts, driving my car, libraries, cooking good food, finding good deals, and the list goes on.

The two things missing from my list of constants are work and relationship. I lost that complete confidence in my job when I started this new job. Finding another job is a way to try to make my job a constant again.

Same thing with dating. Having had few periods where a man is a constant in my life, I know it's more fate than actual effort. Still, dating someone who is not quite ready for a relationship, I have to wonder where I stand on the committment scale. Oh yeah, one thing that is not and will never be a constant - feeling desparate!

setbacks

So I set up my wireless network (after talking to my personal tech support - my brother).

It proceeded to work for all of 10 minutes. Am back to the plugged version of DSL.

No time to figure this out today. Too worned out from work. Glad I am sending out those resumes.

Am taking a poll on this whole dating multiple people concept. Know lots of people who did/are doing this. What is the proper protocol? Is it allowed until the exclusivity conversation is brought up? Do I have to say anything to the first guy, or is it part of what dating is?

We shall find out...

yet another inspiration

Yesterday, I went to a open house at The Lansing in Rincon Hill. What an impressive building. After living at The Met, the building across the street, and finding fault with that design, I thought high rises were all the same - great if you can afford the view, but too small and pricing for entertaining.

The tour gave me new hope that Rincon Hill will be the area that put San Francisco on the world map. Besides having bedrock (less prone to earthquake damages) and the views, the world-class architecture may transform the City.

Read up on the developer, Lambert Development. The company also built The Brannan, a beautiful complex in South Beach. The research gave me new focus. If a developer can bring the design necessary to curb all criticism, then I too can change the world. Maybe a grand complex is not in my stars, but seeing The Lansing made me want to do great things.

Now, if they can just revamp the isolated neighborhood (and the main reason I moved out of the area)...

pity

Saturday night was the usual dancing with friends. We always have the best times b/c we don't much care being silly at the clubs (hurray for getting older!).

Someone else also didn't care what other people think. We noticed this cute young guy near us at one point. Perhaps the intensity was what drew our group's attention. Apparently, he was waiting for his gf. We realized this because he was yelling so loudly at her later on. Despite ear plugs and loud music, I could still hear him shouting at her with so much anger.

It was an unpleasant sight. I could only see her back and his face, but it was painful to witness the event. Perhaps he was so angry that he didn't mind making a scene.

What was even more scary was how long this went on. We must have danced an entire song. Maybe 5 minutes, but it felt like the whole night.

At one point, I really thought about going up to the woman and telling her that no one should take this kind of abuse from a man. That's what it was; I witnessed verbal abuse and felt the pain. Thinking now, her silence suggested that this has happened before.

From the crowd and his face, I could tell that they were younger. In that instant, I decided to just be a silent observer. Still, this memory will stay with me for a while. It was a day that made me very, very glad that no man has and will ever treat me like that...

inspiration

I am star-struck. To see someone that I have been reading about for over 10 years is awesome.

A friend of mine invited me to the City CarShare's fifth anniversary party (thanks LL). It was quite alternative, held in a contemporary art gallery, complete with recycled drink tickets that were fridge magnets.

Then, I heard that Nancy Pelosi will be receiving an award. Sure enough, after all the standard opening greetings, there she was, Ms. House Democratic Leader herself! What a passionate speaker. Every word was spoken with conviction. Of course, she received an award b/c her support help fund a very noble cause.

It's truly amazing. This was a small function, with maybe less than 100 people present. And there she was, the most powerful Democrat in DC, giving us her time.

It was one of those moments, where I have to ask myself, what have I done to change the world lately?

utopia

It's been a while since I have been at this place, so it still feels new.

This is the place when everything comes together. When I can just be myself, 24/7 and know that everything that I do is the right thing.

Especially with my man. Well, he is just the guy I am dating. Still, it's hit that point, where I can just be myself. This is the one thing that I have learned. The sooner I can be myself with him, including the neurotic side the better. Because I am old enough to know that I will not change, and it's time that he knows it too.

Wow, it's been so long, since I had want someone to get to know all of me. So humbling that I actually like someone enough that I can share all of me, and not just the me that everyone else sees.

So, we'll see...

my zen moment

There I was, sitting on the kitchen floor, scraping burnt meat off of my cooking grid. After 20 minutes, I was in a trance. It was euphoria, this total concentration.

Then I remembered this book I read a couple of years back: Flow by Csikszentmihalyi.

To achieve this connection between theory and real life was so satisfying. It also reminded me that I must get back to reading more! So much of what I read in those two years of being unemployed shaped me. What I am doing now to prepare for the present and the future?

one and only

This morning I complained yet once more about my current job situation to my mother. As usual, she had a no-nonsense response. Then, she added that it is unbecoming for me to complain about work. My mother suggested that I should just quietly look for something else and move on without more gripes.

Even though I don't always see eye to eye with my mother, I finally see the wisdom in her advice. As one of the most independent, well-educated and worldly person in my life, my mother has a unique outlook on life. When I was younger, much of her advice went counter to my beliefs. For example, she suggested dating lots in college, but I was insistent to be attached to one boyfriend. My mother saw the importance of career development for women in their 20s, but I had my heart set on a marriage.

The most amazing lesson I continue to learn from my mother is her relationship with my father. It is surprising to see such an independent woman do so much for her husband; it is even more rare to see my father give so much to her. It is a testiment of my mother's will that her opinion is always heard by everyone in the family. Most times the rest of the family listen because her voice is backed by reason and intellect.

So, starting today, I will downplay the troubles at work. After all, my mother had to fight racism at work during the 60s in the East Coast, so my job is not bad at all.

the two people...

Last night, I ate dinner and watched the end of the Suns-Spurs game with my parents. In three hours of hanging out with the two people who love me the most, all the frustration from work disappeared.

I joked with my parents that I don’t need a man because I have them two. My mother responded that they spoiled me too much, and that’s why I am single. Hehe. Maybe. For one thing, the guy will have to measure up to two of the most intelligent and caring people I know.

Plus, they don’t expect anything from me. Most men that I dated want me to be their ideal g/f or wife. I cannot be anyone’s ideal anything; I only know how to be me. And guess who taught me that?

Lately, I am starting to see that men have so much pressure to be a certain way. They have to be smart, funny, athletic, gentlemanly and successful. I am guilty of putting on the pressure…

It is hard. In the world where everyone is telling you what to do, good luck finding those two people who let you be you.

committed to planning

I submitted a job application this morning. It’s the first step in focusing on planning once again.

Over the weekend, I thought about how I have been unfairly characterizing my current job. It is the opportunity of a lifetime, but I just don’t love real estate development. Even though the thought of building multi-million-dollar projects seemed so exciting when I first heard of the opportunity, I am not quite ready to leave zoning and land use behind.

It is also about fit. After working at over twenty jobs in the last 18 years of my life, I know a thing or two about what makes me happy professionally. I need to be at a place where I can build on what I already know and be with people who share my core beliefs.

This current job is not working out because I spend so much energy trying to fix the system. I am not in the business of corporate re-organization, so why stay and write a corporate processes manual (my latest assignment)?

It is also timing. In three years, I would love to be able to juggle HR/accounting/PR challenges, but right now, I just want to be a zoning planner. We’ll see…

hidden treasure

Even though I questioned your feelings for me,
All doubts are set aside.

You are here for me, and
Have been there for me.

In your own way, you care.
I know because I am happier.

Unexpectedly,
You are changing me for the better.

I don't know what the future holds, but
Like I told you, I don't expect anything.

I do not expect because
The present is more than enough.

We have the present, and
It is mighty sweet.

the answer to my questions

It turns out that the answer I was looking for wasn't an answer at all.

It was a question, or rather, several questions.

I sat in a project meeting today, and my director asked: how are we going to make the deal work? (Let's just say that the answer includes how to resolve a 8-digit lawsuit.) Then, it dawned on me that this is the heart of my work now - problem solving.

Rather than focusing on the day-to-day getting things done, my job is all about how to make these multi-million/billion dollar projects come to life. All of a sudden, the minute details of dissatisfied co-workers seem less of an issue.

True, my own emotional responses have not gone away (neither has my neck strain), but now I have several purposes. First, to learn enough for the future. Two, to solve these big problems.

soul searching

Still coming to terms with work. I thought about the incredible opportunity to learn (one of the project is one of the largest development projects in the Bay Area) versus the stress. Rather than being caught up in the emotions, I am trying to focus on what I can control.

My motto to go with my gut does not work well because I am so distracted by all of my co-workers' frustration. People’s ability to vent speaks to the unprofessional atmosphere. I wonder if it’s the Chinese. Do those of us who speak Mandarin behave too casually with one another? Maybe. It also has to do with the way that the major investors of the company treats the staff as their own assistants.

More than ever, my personal life is so vital to my happiness. By having my life to anchor me, I am slowly figuring out how to deal with the unexpected pressures. I believe in fate, so the fact that I am doing four people’s job in a 50-hour week should not faze me. I need to be mindful that this job is a choice. I love to work and relish in my sense of accomplishment.

The emotional and physical reactions are instinctive reactions to the information from the outside world that may or may not have valid basis. Rather than trying to have all the answers, I need to do what I can to be productive.

Even though my masseuse and I discussed a job change, I know that there is still much to learn. Given that one big dream is to build affordable housing units (condos or apartments), I need to be here to learn the entire process. With four development projects, I will get to that point of striking out on my own faster. I rather learn the lessons now than later, when a grant may depend on my expertise.

It was a good day. Doing simple things tonight remind me that I do intend to create a strong work identity because I want to earn respect through my work. Like my father, I want my work to have an impact on the world and to be identified through my contribution.

aches

In a world where everyone, except my parents, is encouraging me to tackle the biggest challenge, I found another supporter of getting out of my super-stressful job: my body. I get massages as a way to check in every month, and today, my body was so bent out of shape.

The scariest part was that I didn’t even know that I was that stressed until I felt the tension nearly choking me. The weight of my stiff and tense back muscles crushed me as they refuse to give in to the therapy.

Unlike my romantic relationship which is improving by the week, work is getting worse because I can feel everyone else’s frustration. As much as I appreciate everyone confiding in me, I did not get my graduate degrees in therapy! So tonight, I browsed and e-mailed myself some job postings. It doesn't hurt to see what's out there...for the sake of my health!

leading man

Last night, two of my friends introduced me to salsa. What an experience! It was the first time that the instruction of “let the man lead” was repeated to me for the entire night. The only people more awkward than me trying to let the guy lead were the men who are not used to taking the lead.

At one point, a guy was asking me if his dance moves were right. It wasn’t quite right, but I didn’t know if I was the right person to correct him. After just one hour of following, I was quite comfortable in being the passive follower!

A very fun time though. Where else can I dance with all these strange men (and some of them were a bit odd)? I am still not quite sure if instructional dancing is for me, and I have to be more skilled to decide whether I enjoy having a dance partner (especially one that leads the whole time). Hum...

the journey inward

Talking to my supervisor yesterday, I remarked that my parents don't want me too work too hard. They are always telling me to relax. He replied that his mother is the opposite, always pushing him to do more.

As adults, why do we still let our parents tell us what to do?

Ever since I was a kid, I hated when people would tell me what to do. I was a rebellious child at 6 years old. I remember having shouting matches with my mother before I even started grade school.

Despite all the frustration, it was good training. Now, I figure out for myself exactly what I want and go after it. Sure, many of my goals are not the most popular, but they are what my gut tells me to be the right things.

It also makes it a lot easier to befriend people who are different. I am never quite sure of my goals until I get closer to that point, so I am very open to other people's lifestyles. This is how I end up with friends ranging from professor in Fullerton to business owner in Arizona to graduate student in New York. I need that diversity in my life to introduce me to my next passion.

The journey to my true self has been exhilerating although lonely at times. Maybe that's why I am so attracted to men who are good at keep their own company. To me, they are the most interesting people.

It's that balance of being with others and being by oneself. We need others for inspiration, but we also need a lot of time alone to cultivate ideas.

One noticeable difference since the new job is the lack of time to dream. Despite a good routine, I am finding it harder to change myself for the better. Living is a never-ending game, I must keep experimenting and carry out my destiny.

So the new mission is to always find that time for my inner self.

try this experiment

Intuition. It's a skill that you have to learn to be good at, but few of us are encouraged to trust our instincts.

Like learning a new sport, it takes a few falls. Once you learn the thrill of trusting yourself, there is no turning back.

When it comes to dating, I trust my gut completely. Sure, it's good to look at someone's education, profession, height, weight, car, etc., but a lot of those characteristics can change over time. They are more about a person's past rather than that person's soul.

If I am looking for my soul mate, why focus on the facts when my heart knows whether he is Mr. Right? Okay, so I am more about Mr. Right-Now than Mr. Life Partner at this moment, but it's also intutition that tells me when it is time to move on and prevents me from getting hurt.

Logic and thinking is great, but in the game of love/lust, they get in the way. Try this, next time someone catches your eye or make your heart skip a beat, just smile. That very act of acknowledging the person (even if just to yourself), will give you enough endorphin to last a couple of hours!

just like that

I've been having a lot of get-togethers, both dinners at my place and going out with friends. It's perfect timing because there were plenty of opportunity to vent - free therapy.

After the 30th time of describing what's bothering me about work, those issues don't seem so bad. The act of story telling is the process of gaining control of the situation. By repeatedly describing the story to different people, I gain separation and then the perspective I need to tackle the problem.

That's why it's so important to have people who can lend an ear. Now I finally understand why my parents have so many friends and taught me the value of friendship...

priorities

Once again, I am sitting on the floor, typing, b/c I didn't get around to hooking up the wireless hub.

Had yet another group dinner tonight. By the time I saw everyone out, cleaned up and the wine had set in, it's time to get ready for bed. Well, in this case, getting my second wind b/c I still have a couple of unresolved issues that keep my mind running.

Some people worry, but worrying is too inefficiency for me. I just wait for my intuition to instruction me on what's next. I firmly believe in the power of the subconscious. Everything always works out, but it does take patience for the answers to reveal themselves.

Two big question of the moment: 1. to switch job? and 2. how to improve the quasi-relationship I am in?