the two people...

Last night, I ate dinner and watched the end of the Suns-Spurs game with my parents. In three hours of hanging out with the two people who love me the most, all the frustration from work disappeared.

I joked with my parents that I don’t need a man because I have them two. My mother responded that they spoiled me too much, and that’s why I am single. Hehe. Maybe. For one thing, the guy will have to measure up to two of the most intelligent and caring people I know.

Plus, they don’t expect anything from me. Most men that I dated want me to be their ideal g/f or wife. I cannot be anyone’s ideal anything; I only know how to be me. And guess who taught me that?

Lately, I am starting to see that men have so much pressure to be a certain way. They have to be smart, funny, athletic, gentlemanly and successful. I am guilty of putting on the pressure…

It is hard. In the world where everyone is telling you what to do, good luck finding those two people who let you be you.

committed to planning

I submitted a job application this morning. It’s the first step in focusing on planning once again.

Over the weekend, I thought about how I have been unfairly characterizing my current job. It is the opportunity of a lifetime, but I just don’t love real estate development. Even though the thought of building multi-million-dollar projects seemed so exciting when I first heard of the opportunity, I am not quite ready to leave zoning and land use behind.

It is also about fit. After working at over twenty jobs in the last 18 years of my life, I know a thing or two about what makes me happy professionally. I need to be at a place where I can build on what I already know and be with people who share my core beliefs.

This current job is not working out because I spend so much energy trying to fix the system. I am not in the business of corporate re-organization, so why stay and write a corporate processes manual (my latest assignment)?

It is also timing. In three years, I would love to be able to juggle HR/accounting/PR challenges, but right now, I just want to be a zoning planner. We’ll see…

hidden treasure

Even though I questioned your feelings for me,
All doubts are set aside.

You are here for me, and
Have been there for me.

In your own way, you care.
I know because I am happier.

Unexpectedly,
You are changing me for the better.

I don't know what the future holds, but
Like I told you, I don't expect anything.

I do not expect because
The present is more than enough.

We have the present, and
It is mighty sweet.

the answer to my questions

It turns out that the answer I was looking for wasn't an answer at all.

It was a question, or rather, several questions.

I sat in a project meeting today, and my director asked: how are we going to make the deal work? (Let's just say that the answer includes how to resolve a 8-digit lawsuit.) Then, it dawned on me that this is the heart of my work now - problem solving.

Rather than focusing on the day-to-day getting things done, my job is all about how to make these multi-million/billion dollar projects come to life. All of a sudden, the minute details of dissatisfied co-workers seem less of an issue.

True, my own emotional responses have not gone away (neither has my neck strain), but now I have several purposes. First, to learn enough for the future. Two, to solve these big problems.

soul searching

Still coming to terms with work. I thought about the incredible opportunity to learn (one of the project is one of the largest development projects in the Bay Area) versus the stress. Rather than being caught up in the emotions, I am trying to focus on what I can control.

My motto to go with my gut does not work well because I am so distracted by all of my co-workers' frustration. People’s ability to vent speaks to the unprofessional atmosphere. I wonder if it’s the Chinese. Do those of us who speak Mandarin behave too casually with one another? Maybe. It also has to do with the way that the major investors of the company treats the staff as their own assistants.

More than ever, my personal life is so vital to my happiness. By having my life to anchor me, I am slowly figuring out how to deal with the unexpected pressures. I believe in fate, so the fact that I am doing four people’s job in a 50-hour week should not faze me. I need to be mindful that this job is a choice. I love to work and relish in my sense of accomplishment.

The emotional and physical reactions are instinctive reactions to the information from the outside world that may or may not have valid basis. Rather than trying to have all the answers, I need to do what I can to be productive.

Even though my masseuse and I discussed a job change, I know that there is still much to learn. Given that one big dream is to build affordable housing units (condos or apartments), I need to be here to learn the entire process. With four development projects, I will get to that point of striking out on my own faster. I rather learn the lessons now than later, when a grant may depend on my expertise.

It was a good day. Doing simple things tonight remind me that I do intend to create a strong work identity because I want to earn respect through my work. Like my father, I want my work to have an impact on the world and to be identified through my contribution.

aches

In a world where everyone, except my parents, is encouraging me to tackle the biggest challenge, I found another supporter of getting out of my super-stressful job: my body. I get massages as a way to check in every month, and today, my body was so bent out of shape.

The scariest part was that I didn’t even know that I was that stressed until I felt the tension nearly choking me. The weight of my stiff and tense back muscles crushed me as they refuse to give in to the therapy.

Unlike my romantic relationship which is improving by the week, work is getting worse because I can feel everyone else’s frustration. As much as I appreciate everyone confiding in me, I did not get my graduate degrees in therapy! So tonight, I browsed and e-mailed myself some job postings. It doesn't hurt to see what's out there...for the sake of my health!

leading man

Last night, two of my friends introduced me to salsa. What an experience! It was the first time that the instruction of “let the man lead” was repeated to me for the entire night. The only people more awkward than me trying to let the guy lead were the men who are not used to taking the lead.

At one point, a guy was asking me if his dance moves were right. It wasn’t quite right, but I didn’t know if I was the right person to correct him. After just one hour of following, I was quite comfortable in being the passive follower!

A very fun time though. Where else can I dance with all these strange men (and some of them were a bit odd)? I am still not quite sure if instructional dancing is for me, and I have to be more skilled to decide whether I enjoy having a dance partner (especially one that leads the whole time). Hum...

the journey inward

Talking to my supervisor yesterday, I remarked that my parents don't want me too work too hard. They are always telling me to relax. He replied that his mother is the opposite, always pushing him to do more.

As adults, why do we still let our parents tell us what to do?

Ever since I was a kid, I hated when people would tell me what to do. I was a rebellious child at 6 years old. I remember having shouting matches with my mother before I even started grade school.

Despite all the frustration, it was good training. Now, I figure out for myself exactly what I want and go after it. Sure, many of my goals are not the most popular, but they are what my gut tells me to be the right things.

It also makes it a lot easier to befriend people who are different. I am never quite sure of my goals until I get closer to that point, so I am very open to other people's lifestyles. This is how I end up with friends ranging from professor in Fullerton to business owner in Arizona to graduate student in New York. I need that diversity in my life to introduce me to my next passion.

The journey to my true self has been exhilerating although lonely at times. Maybe that's why I am so attracted to men who are good at keep their own company. To me, they are the most interesting people.

It's that balance of being with others and being by oneself. We need others for inspiration, but we also need a lot of time alone to cultivate ideas.

One noticeable difference since the new job is the lack of time to dream. Despite a good routine, I am finding it harder to change myself for the better. Living is a never-ending game, I must keep experimenting and carry out my destiny.

So the new mission is to always find that time for my inner self.

try this experiment

Intuition. It's a skill that you have to learn to be good at, but few of us are encouraged to trust our instincts.

Like learning a new sport, it takes a few falls. Once you learn the thrill of trusting yourself, there is no turning back.

When it comes to dating, I trust my gut completely. Sure, it's good to look at someone's education, profession, height, weight, car, etc., but a lot of those characteristics can change over time. They are more about a person's past rather than that person's soul.

If I am looking for my soul mate, why focus on the facts when my heart knows whether he is Mr. Right? Okay, so I am more about Mr. Right-Now than Mr. Life Partner at this moment, but it's also intutition that tells me when it is time to move on and prevents me from getting hurt.

Logic and thinking is great, but in the game of love/lust, they get in the way. Try this, next time someone catches your eye or make your heart skip a beat, just smile. That very act of acknowledging the person (even if just to yourself), will give you enough endorphin to last a couple of hours!

just like that

I've been having a lot of get-togethers, both dinners at my place and going out with friends. It's perfect timing because there were plenty of opportunity to vent - free therapy.

After the 30th time of describing what's bothering me about work, those issues don't seem so bad. The act of story telling is the process of gaining control of the situation. By repeatedly describing the story to different people, I gain separation and then the perspective I need to tackle the problem.

That's why it's so important to have people who can lend an ear. Now I finally understand why my parents have so many friends and taught me the value of friendship...

priorities

Once again, I am sitting on the floor, typing, b/c I didn't get around to hooking up the wireless hub.

Had yet another group dinner tonight. By the time I saw everyone out, cleaned up and the wine had set in, it's time to get ready for bed. Well, in this case, getting my second wind b/c I still have a couple of unresolved issues that keep my mind running.

Some people worry, but worrying is too inefficiency for me. I just wait for my intuition to instruction me on what's next. I firmly believe in the power of the subconscious. Everything always works out, but it does take patience for the answers to reveal themselves.

Two big question of the moment: 1. to switch job? and 2. how to improve the quasi-relationship I am in?

I can do it

Whatever happened to the woman from the WWII poster with her arm flexed?

I mentioned to my co-worker that I have yet to set up my wireless hub, and he suggested that I get some guy to come help me set it up.

Regardless of my technical saviness (I can read a manual if necessary!), the thought to ask for help on most things has never crossed my mind. It's 2006, a woman can do anything that the a man can do.

In fact, I think 90% of relatonship problems, especially marital ones, will go away if people are simply more competent. The solution to improving relationships is for both parties to be better at doing everything. If everyone handles stress well, stays healthy, has a balanced life, then most of the conflicts between people can be resolved by agreeing on the best solution.

If the top three relationship arguments are money, childrearing and religion, then science can surely solve most of the issues.

I definitely need to work on my time management skills before I can tackle a serious relationship again. After all, I am typing this sitting on the floor b/c my laptop is tied to DSL unit. Got to install that wireless hub tonight!

life rule #1: fear not

The best reason to fear nothing is because our worst fears are often realized. Fears are often realized to test us. Afraid that you will be single forever? Likely that your relationships do not last. Scared that you will not do well professionally? Probably means that you have many career setbacks.

After living as one big chicken, I just got tired of the same fear and doh moments. Instead, I just plunge into life with a big splash, just to try something different. The reason why I am so different from my early 20s is that I don't pay attention to my fears any more.

Try it, the liberation of focusing on the present is one major source of my energy.

I have a hunch that our secret thoughts are linked to the universe some how, so why make our fears come true? Why not just enjoy the moment and let fears be little ripples rather than giant waves?

that's what friends are for

In the recent struggle with work, I turned to my friends.

Each person, remembering their own struggles, gave sincere advice. The tremendous care and support pulled me out of my rut.

No, the problems at work have not gone away, but my attitude has changed. I now see that the trials of work and life will always challenge me, so it's up to me to accept my fate and solve every problem, with a little help from my friends.

Thanks everyone. :)

off center

Ouch. I got canker sores last week for the first time in my life. Canker sores are holes in the mouth, usually on the roof of the mouth, the side of the mouth, or under the tongue. They feel the same as if getting burned from drinking hot things. The most common cause is stress.

Is this is a sign that I have to get a new job? There are just too many issues at work, but I am still learning.

What to do?

Am trying to see the reason behind this experience. For one thing, I am seeing myself more clearly than ever. By pushing myself to the limit, I understand my limitations and my values.

I know now that I can never value work, money or status over health and spirituality. Like a bad relationship going sour, I take responsibilities for my situation and intend to make the necessary changes to be centered again.

three little words

Witnessed first-hand how three little words can communicate a powerful message today. I have many meetings each week, and often times, the meetings are between men who want to assert their power.

I don't always agree with the style or the message, but it is insightful to observe how people attempt to sell an idea or to sway people. Body language is important, and so is intent (don't let them see you sweat!). The key though, is in articulation.

I have a long way to go before becoming close to being artful in my speech. In some ways, this job is such a blessing in what to do and what NOT to do.

So, let these three words be used selective but often enough to buy some points:

You are right.

to wonder, not expect

One reason I love being single is the uncertainty of it all. I don’t know what I am going to do after work in a couple of weeks. I don’t know if I will stay at the same address five years from now. I don’t know if the person I am dating will be there in another month.

Uncertainty has been very healthy. I am forced to connect with people...Never know when I need some company!

Not knowing what's going to happen also resulted in a lot more investment in myself, especially in health and knowledge. No matter what happens, at least I can count on my mind and my body.

The lack of responsibilities has been so liberating. I can take more risks because the consequences don't affect other people. Yes, it is a lot of work to plan and to fill in all the time. Hopefully as work kicks into overdrive this year, life will be balaced once again.

Now, if I can only get rid of the uncertainty in getting dressed each morning...

everyone wants to be king/queen

I'll be quiet now.

The office sometimes complain about the General Manager, and some have even quit in part because they disagree with the GM.

It's not the GM though, it's really the Board. The Board hired and placed the GM there for the past year.

If these people, including myself, think we can do better, then we better demonstrate enough ability that we will rise to be GM ourselves. Better yet, we can run our own businesses and call the shots.

Hummm...

SF visitor guide

SF is divided into several neighborhoods, each with its own distinct population and destinations. My suggestion is to pick 3 to 4 neighborhoods and explore each on foot, checking out the stores, restaurants and attractions.

http://www.sfgate.com/traveler/guide/sf/neighborhoods/
http://www.dreamworld.org/sfguide/Neighborhoods/neighborhood.names.jpg

Some suggested itineraries:

Union Square/Downtown: shopping
Whether it’s the designer stores around Union Square (surrounded by the streets Geary, Stockton, Post and Powell) or the discounts along Market (Ross and Marshall’s), this is where the flag ship stores are at (Levi, Banana Republic).

If you want to stay indoor and shop, just go to the Nordstrom Mall at the corner of Fifth and Market.

Tips: Take the elevator in Macy’s to the top floor and go out to The Cheesecake Factory’s balcony for a view of the square

Eat at the basement of Macy’s: Wolfgang Puck and the Jamba Juice Honey Berry Bran.

SOMA: the arts

There are plenty of museums to visit. MOMA (Third b/t Mission and Howard), Asian Art (Larkin and McAllister - If you go to the Asian Art Museum, there is a hole-in-the-wall Middle Eastern place King Gyro for some healthy stuff 25 Grove), Yerba Buena (Mission b/t Third and Fourth), Exploratorium (Howard b/t Fourth and Fifth)

Some museums are free the first Tuesday of the month, but the best time to visit is Thursday night, when the museums open late and have fewer visitors

Tips: plenty of bars and clubs all around (Folsom b/t 9^th and 12^th is where most of them are located)…check out Wish (1539 Folsom)

Check out St. Regis and Four Seasons (lunch at Seasons), the two five-star hotel around the corner from each other (Third and Mission, Market b/t Third and Fourth)

Chinatown/North Beach: restaurants

Go to the corner of 3^rd and Market (south of Market). Take the 9AX, 9BX, 15, 30 or 45 and get off at the Broadway stop (either Stockton or Columbus). Being one of the densest neighborhoods in SF, the food here is cheap and yummy. Wear comfortable shoes because you will be browsing!

Tips: Walk up Pacific to Mason and look back – awesome view of Bay Bridge

Eat at Dol Ho (808 Pacific Ave)

Castro: What SF is really famous for

Catch any muni line toward West and get off at Church or Castro stations. If not in a hurry, take the F-line all the way down to Market and Castro. This is where all the queer gather, but you will find plenty of one-of-kind stores and very sophisticated eateries.

Tip: Eat at Sweet Inspirations. Ask if they have the mango-passion fruit mousse.

Automobile Tours (these are more places to view from car or bus):

• F-Line: catch the eastbound line along Market (there is a stop every block starting in the Castro) and take it along Embarcadero all the way to Fisherman’s Wharf (

• Powell Cable Car: Take this other way to Fisherman’s Wharf. $5 for a roller-coaster-like experience.

• 38-Geary to J-town: Gritty but a destination worth venturing out

• 2/3/4 to Fillmore: Yuppy-ville

• Golden Gate Park: our city park with its own lake, museums and specialty gardens

the unknown

My company is in the process of choosing a website designer. Guess who was lucky enough to solicit and interview the candidates?

When I signed up to be a Land Development Manager, I never knew that my job was going to be Run My Business 101.

It’s for the best. The seemingly random responsibilities have made me seriously consider starting my own business again. This morning, I even used the SBC online tutorial to teach myself how to FTP some edits into the existing website.

After three career changes in my 20s, I was starting to wonder if I will ever settle into something permanent. Then, it occurred to me that I was judging myself. If this is going to be my life, then I need to live it my way, which is serendipitous! So far, the attitude to just let life happens has been fun. I wonder what’s next?