evolution

I was quite excited about possibly going club dancing with an out-of-town friend tonight, but for one reason or another, I didn't have my potential dancing partner. Fortunately, this is the not the first time that I found myself unable to go dancing. In fact, I have taken up salsa in order to find an outlet for my love of dancing.

Having hated instructional dancing and had a terrible time at my first few salsa experiences, even the group lessons, I wasn't sure if salsa was for me. Fortunately, a friend who takes many dance lessons suggested that I do a few privates. The first couple of classes reminded me one major rule in my life: there is always an efficient way to learn, and with time and money, it is possible to be proficient at almost everything.

Rather than thinking that I have to give up dancing, I am finding a new outlet. I even started to invite friends who are excellent salsa dancers to join me.

In fact, rather than staying disappointed of not dancing, I am looking forward to meeting a friend at salsa tomorrow night. Besides, last night's unexpected dancing w/newly made friends was a reminder that life has a way to answer our desires.

no need to explain

Got several feedbacks that my blog has not been inspiring of late. All this effort to date and nothing.

My apologies. ;) Don't mean to repeat the same formula: go out, try, and nada. Life is like that. Looking at the surface can be defeating and makes you wonder: why bother?

Upon closer examination though, the real meaning surfaces. A good debate tonight with an older female friend (I have several, this one is in her late 50s) clarified why I am not receptive to love quite just yet.

I had unresolved feelings for someone I dated last year. He is no longer into me, but I believed that a connection still exists. Somehow, his independence, his quirkiness, and the je-ne-sais-quoi drew me to him time after time. Rather than just let the kite go, I insisted on making it a romantic connection. No can do.

We still have e-mail exchanges, but they are initiated by me and answered with politeness from him. He and I are not friends, so why not move on?

What he has been is an ideal that kept me from getting involved and getting hurt until I am ready. This week, I finally let go. Like Mr. TO, this will just be another chapter that gives me hope on finding real love.

Yes, M, I admit it, I am looking for love.

knowing one's fate

It's technically "tomorrow", so I am going to post again, bur for the new day. :D

Had to talk about how knowing my fate has comforted me. By now, most of you know that my dad is an amature fortune teller who is very accurate. He correctly predicted that I would divorce and that I will settle down in my late 30s. I am only 32 right now.

Anyways, the proof of his wisdom is due to the numerous disasterous dating experiences of the last 4 years of singlehood. If it wasn't for Dad, I would seriously be depressed.

The latest not-meant-to-be: A guy contacted me online back in May when I was on a dating site, but dismissed him b/c he was geographically-undesirable (back when I only wanted to date men who lived in the City). He actually wrote again b/c we had a mutual friend who suggested that we go out.

Of course, back then being more than 20 minutes away seemed tough, so I never followed up.

Fast forward to last night. Our mutual friend invited him to a small celebration (some friends passed the CFA, and one friend just got engaged!), so I had no idea he was coming out.

OMG! The guy was cool and attractive. His goodness was so evident that I couldn't wait to get to know him better. I asked my friend about him today, and of course, there was a catch. He just started to date someone recently.

DOH!!! I am so bummed. I cannot believe that this is like the sixth nice guy I have met in the last year where some unfortunate factor (usually another woman) just made it not so. Actually, it's been more he's-not-into-me than anything else. Image-control, but I'll save that for another entry...

Good thing I know about my destiny, or else I would really be hating life right now. Instead, it makes for great practice to spot the good guys from the jerks (don't even get me started on that roster!!). I now can confidently say that I am looking for a man whose heart makes him handsome, and I know exactly what that looks like now.

So I wait. One day, there will be that one guy who is confident, generous, gentlemanly, relaxed, and into me. So, I wait. And wait. And wait. There's plenty of time because we were probably connected in prior lives already. In the meanwhile, let's have some fun! ;)

hedging

Lamented to a friend tonight on how several guys recently act disinterested in the beginning of the date and only open their hearts (and wallets) when I entertain them enough through wit and humor...

She told me that's called hedging. Apparently the trend of coffee or drinks are a way for guys not to invest a great deal in case the date doesn't work out.

Ironic, but a great date can only happen if both parties are willing to dive right in and invest full attention. I have had many first dates where the guys make it clear early on that they are not thrilled about paying for me. That's all fine by me, but implicitly in the unwillingness to pay is also an emotionally guarded self that influence the other person's interest.

I try not to look at the money issue and have ruined more than one first date by paying for myself, but I think the subconscious result of hedging is the fear that this might not work out.

Given that I take risks in all areas of my life, I am quite carefree on the first date. It's fun when the guy can get carried away by me and enjoy that complete acceptance I try to give everyone in my life. Still, I always notice when the fear of rejection or a bad date lurks behind the guy's behavior on dates.

Maybe that's why the jerks/bad boys always get the woman. They are offering the same freedom that I try to give the men.

Still, having hedged a couple of times myself, it's not noble behavior. Ahh, karma.

diversity

Besides having progressive parents, another lucky aspect of my childhood was the diverse characters. Surprising b/c I grew up in a homogeneous culture. Still, I knew so many unconventional adults growing up, especially women, that I don't think too much about the shoulds.

Why should women get married and have children when I knew some who were quite happy in their own unique situations?

Why should a woman look to others for approval when many females in my childhood were independent AND well respected?

I just don't know what fate has planned for me, and I am adventurous enough to not know exactly what is going to happen. I love how all the individuals I keep meeting remind me that I must staying on my own unbeaten path.

being oneself

Having been different my entire life, I don't ever try to conform. It drives my mother crazy, but as I asked her, what should I do differently if I am happy?

More than ever, I feel free because I waste very little time and energy wondering how far I am from my goals. Sometimes I wonder about people who are completely driven by their goals. How do you let life unfold otherwise? What fun is knowing you will get to certain places?

I feel very driven, but it's to always live in the moment. My most defined goal is to be happy, and I have obtained that almost on a daily basis. More than ever, happiness comes from enjoying the world and the people around me.

Whether it is hosting a big party or reading a good book, I have found my peace.

So what's next??

where it leads me

My work has brought me into the Brisbane community.

Besides working on the development projects in this small city, I also handles community relations for the company.

One documentary coming out of this community full of artists is a film about the San Bruno Mountain.

Here the trailer for those who love nature. You can click on the format link to download HD versions.

be the man

If the guy is going invite me to a nice restaurant, at least have the courtesy to make reservations. Instead, it was an awkward splitting of an appetizer sampler and one entree at the bar. I ended up paying for dessert elsewhere b/c I was hungry. Commute or not, cheap or not, asking me out at 8 should just be a dinner date.

I overlooked the dinner faux pas, but the illegal left turn where it said no left turn except buses and taxis pretty much summarized the night. He did it anyway after I pointed out the sign.

Being the man should mean having good judgment and being a gentleman. It shouldn't be so hard to do the right thing. I appreciate very much the attention and the effort, but I don't think there will be a second date...

so much easier this way

For a change, I am going to let the guy lead the whole dating dance.

Duh.

Yes, I know, I shouda figured this out long ago. It's ironic b/c my need to control is great at work but not in dating. If the guy is not ready, he is not ready. At least I finally stopped trying if the guy isn't on board. It sucks to be attracted to someone who doesn't make time for me, but at least I have learned to sit out of that situation.

Given that I am ready to settle down, the guy is going to have to drive. He will have to do most of the work to get things going, so I can get to know him and decide whether the ride is worth the time.

It's so much easier this year, since the guy is making the plans and initiating. Maybe that's work is so much better; I can finally focus. Also, I can quickly tell when it's not meant to be. I am not wasting time wondering if the guy is worthy. It's quite obvious when we don't think inside our heads so much. Live and learn.

The only minus to letting someone else drive is when it's the rejection, it hurts a lot. My pride has been sufficiently bruised this year b/c I take the rejection rather than trying to make something out of nothing.

stress, fat and ailments

The body produces excess cortisol when it's under stress. This hormone has been linked to higher blood pressure, decreased bone density, and blood sugar imbalance.

Ever since I learned about cortisol a couple of years ago, I have been paying attention to the two interesting effects of this "stress hormone": increased abdominal fat and lowered immunity. I truly believe that cortisol can explain why our populations have unhealthy bodies and are sick so frequently.

So what to do? Besides eating well and regular exercise, the big one is stress management. I am learning to cut out sources of stress, including people who are toxic.

Perhaps that's why I am much more selective about the company that I keep. Other than family, I have learned to let the friends come and go. I still put in efforts to cultivate my friends, but I do let them go if it's just too hard to stay connected.

Conversely, things that are important need to be re-examined. Even if I believe the importance of having a great job and a life partner, I am not going to worry about why they aren't here yet. It's the journey, but it's my joyous journey. I am not going to let anyone else judge me; the way things are is mean to be.

just friends

It can be tricky to be platonic with guy friends who are single. I finally figured out, so it's quite simple. Unless a guy is going to pursue me full on, he will stay just as a friend.

I developed feelings that were more than friends for this one guy friend, and the few times our schedules would work out for a meal or a drink, the chemistry was amazing.

Still, it occurred to me that I don't want just a friend, or friend with benefits, or anything limited that this would have turned into. I talked to him about this one day, and he was clear that he did not want the same thing.

Yes, it was a little sad, since we had such great times. I am looking for a boyfriend, so this guy is just not going to be a candidate.

Today, he called again to invite me over to watch a movie. I have plans. So that's the extent of this friendship. It's good to have friends to hang out, and I have more than my shares of male and female friends to share all the simple things. It's just time to find that one person who will be there for me all the time and who drive me crazily happy all the time!

it's called...

a girl crush when I meet a fellow woman who is cool. that's probably why I court women. oh.

the making of something wonderful

I probably applied to more jobs than anyone I know because of all the career changes, but mostly the changes occur because I have grown so much at each job.

It's time to change again. Except this time, it's truly a group effort. I started the job search by talking to two mentors who are attorneys in the industry. The year of lunches made me see that I have cultivated a good set of skills.

Then, I befriended 3 women real estate project managers, and their advice have been invaluable. I knew I was going in the right direction, and their friendship was inspiring. They all enjoy their jobs but gave me insights on the limitations of project management.

Now, I am starting to talk to industry heavy weights. It's quite exciting because I am learning on the job and through all the networking. My sights are higher - acquisition. I don't have all the pieces yet, but I know I love deal making. This latest project was a taste of how satisfying getting a deal done can be.

I never intend to be career-oriented, but I love to work and am more driven than ever. Kicking into high gear!

romance v. practicality

A cousin in his early 20s is staying with me this week. Last night, showed him the Ferry Building, and he asked if guys take me there on dates.

I laughed and replied no because now that I date mostly guys in their 30s, it's less about romance and more about finding someone compatible as a life partner.

At the same time, his question made me glad for the way things work out. I definitely have had more romance and fun than I ever thought possible in a life time. All the fun and joy make me believe in the goodness of everyone and in the magic of romantic love.

The search continues and with ever more faith.

metamorphosis

I never though I would be career-oriented, but after this week, I might be changing focus.

My company sued one of its neighboring property two years ago for contamination, and the two sides decided to settle after many attempts to mediate. I have been integrally involved in the entire process, first acting as in-house counsel, then as project manager as we solicited remediation contractors in an RFP process.

Yesterday, the board decided to move forward with the deal. It's a GO. I nearly passed out from the exhilaration.

In light of the disappointments on the dating front, I welcomed the news with pride. This project has been my baby, and I also sit on the City of SF Redevelopment Agency Community Advisory Committee for the proposed redevelopment area.

While many friends found partners and welcomed babies, I have my projects. Without realizing, I have cultivated a career that grows in leaps and bounds. I put just as much effort into my personal life, but for some reason, the relationships just don't quite work out.

It is truly fate. I put in equal efforts in many areas of my life, yet my career has been the most rewarding. Odd, but I accept my fate.

It's a GO!

So exciting. This morning, the board of directors at my company decided to move forward with the settlement of our $99M lawsuit. I feel so proud b/c I have been the project manager for the remediation contract to clean up the contaminated site. It's been a lot of work, but now it's all worth it.

Well, the transfer agreement happens September 4th. Cross my fingers.

So this is how one become career oriented. It's so much easier to devote myself to work and be rewarded than wonder whether some guy is going to be into me. :P

bruise to the ego

It's been a rough week on the dating front. Getting rejected not once, but twice. I should be used to these things and not take it personally, but when you poke a needle at a very full balloon, it bursts rather than deflates slowly.

The rejections were subtle but obvious. Why do I have to be so intuitive? I don't get hurt any more b/c I can see the inevitable end so early that I usually bow out gracefully. Still, being graceful does not prevent one from feeling unwanted.

At the same time, these rejections speak more about my own preference. If I was more into them, then I would put more effort and make more time. So it's all meant to be.

Moving on. Time to focus back to my hobbies and plan the next party. It's going to be a singles party where everyone has to bring a single member of the opposite sex. The couples have to bring two single people. hehe. Should be interesting.

can't read too much into it

Went to a DJ show tonight. Took public transit. :) Met my friend there, and her group grew to 20+. Cool b/c those of us who stayed on the dance floor loved it.

Then I go to get a water. It took forever b/c the three groups in front of me all had 5 or 6 orders of drinks each. I finally asked to cut in front of the third group.

By the time I got back to the pit, I had no idea where my friend was. We tried texting each other, but it was just too packed. What was I gonna do? I just ended up dancing by myself for the rest of the night. I usually stayed around couples b/c there is usually a space b/t them and the other people (mostly guys).

With a breakfast get-together tomorrow morning, I decided to take off before too late. Of course, couldn't flag down a cab. Ended up walking home by myself. It was only 20 minutes, and it was safe b/c the bars were getting out and people were all walking to their cars or waiting for cabs.

Got home safely. Equally important, I had the best time. Appreciated how I am used to being on my own and always know what to do to achieve desired result.

Okay. Crashing. It's tomorrow already.

it's a good date

...when the conversation feels like it could last forever;
...when i wonder about how i look b/c i usually don't care that much;
...when i walk away impressed - and that's hard to do!
...when i am glad to be set up;

just like the favorite song that was playing when i pulled into the parking space - who knew?! i like these little surprises in life. even if nothing came of the first date, at least it was a great time...

making friends

I accept the trade-offs of not having best friends.

That means having to do more to court people who already have best buddies. Take the b-day I missed last Saturday. I am now inviting the few guy friends at the party to dinner. They've all been over for dinner before, but it's been a while since we've all hung out.

First, the invite. It has to be known that I am invite the others. Then, I have to track down every single one, make sure that there is an opening, and pursuade each person to be here.

Why so much work? Because I enjoy entertaining, and because unconventional methods requires more persuasion. Friendships are like this. They take time to cultivate.

The best part is that most of the people in my life are used to these invites, so they come over, empty-handed, and ready to eat and share the good life!