diversity

Besides having progressive parents, another lucky aspect of my childhood was the diverse characters. Surprising b/c I grew up in a homogeneous culture. Still, I knew so many unconventional adults growing up, especially women, that I don't think too much about the shoulds.

Why should women get married and have children when I knew some who were quite happy in their own unique situations?

Why should a woman look to others for approval when many females in my childhood were independent AND well respected?

I just don't know what fate has planned for me, and I am adventurous enough to not know exactly what is going to happen. I love how all the individuals I keep meeting remind me that I must staying on my own unbeaten path.

being oneself

Having been different my entire life, I don't ever try to conform. It drives my mother crazy, but as I asked her, what should I do differently if I am happy?

More than ever, I feel free because I waste very little time and energy wondering how far I am from my goals. Sometimes I wonder about people who are completely driven by their goals. How do you let life unfold otherwise? What fun is knowing you will get to certain places?

I feel very driven, but it's to always live in the moment. My most defined goal is to be happy, and I have obtained that almost on a daily basis. More than ever, happiness comes from enjoying the world and the people around me.

Whether it is hosting a big party or reading a good book, I have found my peace.

So what's next??

where it leads me

My work has brought me into the Brisbane community.

Besides working on the development projects in this small city, I also handles community relations for the company.

One documentary coming out of this community full of artists is a film about the San Bruno Mountain.

Here the trailer for those who love nature. You can click on the format link to download HD versions.

be the man

If the guy is going invite me to a nice restaurant, at least have the courtesy to make reservations. Instead, it was an awkward splitting of an appetizer sampler and one entree at the bar. I ended up paying for dessert elsewhere b/c I was hungry. Commute or not, cheap or not, asking me out at 8 should just be a dinner date.

I overlooked the dinner faux pas, but the illegal left turn where it said no left turn except buses and taxis pretty much summarized the night. He did it anyway after I pointed out the sign.

Being the man should mean having good judgment and being a gentleman. It shouldn't be so hard to do the right thing. I appreciate very much the attention and the effort, but I don't think there will be a second date...

so much easier this way

For a change, I am going to let the guy lead the whole dating dance.

Duh.

Yes, I know, I shouda figured this out long ago. It's ironic b/c my need to control is great at work but not in dating. If the guy is not ready, he is not ready. At least I finally stopped trying if the guy isn't on board. It sucks to be attracted to someone who doesn't make time for me, but at least I have learned to sit out of that situation.

Given that I am ready to settle down, the guy is going to have to drive. He will have to do most of the work to get things going, so I can get to know him and decide whether the ride is worth the time.

It's so much easier this year, since the guy is making the plans and initiating. Maybe that's work is so much better; I can finally focus. Also, I can quickly tell when it's not meant to be. I am not wasting time wondering if the guy is worthy. It's quite obvious when we don't think inside our heads so much. Live and learn.

The only minus to letting someone else drive is when it's the rejection, it hurts a lot. My pride has been sufficiently bruised this year b/c I take the rejection rather than trying to make something out of nothing.

stress, fat and ailments

The body produces excess cortisol when it's under stress. This hormone has been linked to higher blood pressure, decreased bone density, and blood sugar imbalance.

Ever since I learned about cortisol a couple of years ago, I have been paying attention to the two interesting effects of this "stress hormone": increased abdominal fat and lowered immunity. I truly believe that cortisol can explain why our populations have unhealthy bodies and are sick so frequently.

So what to do? Besides eating well and regular exercise, the big one is stress management. I am learning to cut out sources of stress, including people who are toxic.

Perhaps that's why I am much more selective about the company that I keep. Other than family, I have learned to let the friends come and go. I still put in efforts to cultivate my friends, but I do let them go if it's just too hard to stay connected.

Conversely, things that are important need to be re-examined. Even if I believe the importance of having a great job and a life partner, I am not going to worry about why they aren't here yet. It's the journey, but it's my joyous journey. I am not going to let anyone else judge me; the way things are is mean to be.

just friends

It can be tricky to be platonic with guy friends who are single. I finally figured out, so it's quite simple. Unless a guy is going to pursue me full on, he will stay just as a friend.

I developed feelings that were more than friends for this one guy friend, and the few times our schedules would work out for a meal or a drink, the chemistry was amazing.

Still, it occurred to me that I don't want just a friend, or friend with benefits, or anything limited that this would have turned into. I talked to him about this one day, and he was clear that he did not want the same thing.

Yes, it was a little sad, since we had such great times. I am looking for a boyfriend, so this guy is just not going to be a candidate.

Today, he called again to invite me over to watch a movie. I have plans. So that's the extent of this friendship. It's good to have friends to hang out, and I have more than my shares of male and female friends to share all the simple things. It's just time to find that one person who will be there for me all the time and who drive me crazily happy all the time!

it's called...

a girl crush when I meet a fellow woman who is cool. that's probably why I court women. oh.

the making of something wonderful

I probably applied to more jobs than anyone I know because of all the career changes, but mostly the changes occur because I have grown so much at each job.

It's time to change again. Except this time, it's truly a group effort. I started the job search by talking to two mentors who are attorneys in the industry. The year of lunches made me see that I have cultivated a good set of skills.

Then, I befriended 3 women real estate project managers, and their advice have been invaluable. I knew I was going in the right direction, and their friendship was inspiring. They all enjoy their jobs but gave me insights on the limitations of project management.

Now, I am starting to talk to industry heavy weights. It's quite exciting because I am learning on the job and through all the networking. My sights are higher - acquisition. I don't have all the pieces yet, but I know I love deal making. This latest project was a taste of how satisfying getting a deal done can be.

I never intend to be career-oriented, but I love to work and am more driven than ever. Kicking into high gear!

romance v. practicality

A cousin in his early 20s is staying with me this week. Last night, showed him the Ferry Building, and he asked if guys take me there on dates.

I laughed and replied no because now that I date mostly guys in their 30s, it's less about romance and more about finding someone compatible as a life partner.

At the same time, his question made me glad for the way things work out. I definitely have had more romance and fun than I ever thought possible in a life time. All the fun and joy make me believe in the goodness of everyone and in the magic of romantic love.

The search continues and with ever more faith.

metamorphosis

I never though I would be career-oriented, but after this week, I might be changing focus.

My company sued one of its neighboring property two years ago for contamination, and the two sides decided to settle after many attempts to mediate. I have been integrally involved in the entire process, first acting as in-house counsel, then as project manager as we solicited remediation contractors in an RFP process.

Yesterday, the board decided to move forward with the deal. It's a GO. I nearly passed out from the exhilaration.

In light of the disappointments on the dating front, I welcomed the news with pride. This project has been my baby, and I also sit on the City of SF Redevelopment Agency Community Advisory Committee for the proposed redevelopment area.

While many friends found partners and welcomed babies, I have my projects. Without realizing, I have cultivated a career that grows in leaps and bounds. I put just as much effort into my personal life, but for some reason, the relationships just don't quite work out.

It is truly fate. I put in equal efforts in many areas of my life, yet my career has been the most rewarding. Odd, but I accept my fate.

It's a GO!

So exciting. This morning, the board of directors at my company decided to move forward with the settlement of our $99M lawsuit. I feel so proud b/c I have been the project manager for the remediation contract to clean up the contaminated site. It's been a lot of work, but now it's all worth it.

Well, the transfer agreement happens September 4th. Cross my fingers.

So this is how one become career oriented. It's so much easier to devote myself to work and be rewarded than wonder whether some guy is going to be into me. :P

bruise to the ego

It's been a rough week on the dating front. Getting rejected not once, but twice. I should be used to these things and not take it personally, but when you poke a needle at a very full balloon, it bursts rather than deflates slowly.

The rejections were subtle but obvious. Why do I have to be so intuitive? I don't get hurt any more b/c I can see the inevitable end so early that I usually bow out gracefully. Still, being graceful does not prevent one from feeling unwanted.

At the same time, these rejections speak more about my own preference. If I was more into them, then I would put more effort and make more time. So it's all meant to be.

Moving on. Time to focus back to my hobbies and plan the next party. It's going to be a singles party where everyone has to bring a single member of the opposite sex. The couples have to bring two single people. hehe. Should be interesting.

can't read too much into it

Went to a DJ show tonight. Took public transit. :) Met my friend there, and her group grew to 20+. Cool b/c those of us who stayed on the dance floor loved it.

Then I go to get a water. It took forever b/c the three groups in front of me all had 5 or 6 orders of drinks each. I finally asked to cut in front of the third group.

By the time I got back to the pit, I had no idea where my friend was. We tried texting each other, but it was just too packed. What was I gonna do? I just ended up dancing by myself for the rest of the night. I usually stayed around couples b/c there is usually a space b/t them and the other people (mostly guys).

With a breakfast get-together tomorrow morning, I decided to take off before too late. Of course, couldn't flag down a cab. Ended up walking home by myself. It was only 20 minutes, and it was safe b/c the bars were getting out and people were all walking to their cars or waiting for cabs.

Got home safely. Equally important, I had the best time. Appreciated how I am used to being on my own and always know what to do to achieve desired result.

Okay. Crashing. It's tomorrow already.

it's a good date

...when the conversation feels like it could last forever;
...when i wonder about how i look b/c i usually don't care that much;
...when i walk away impressed - and that's hard to do!
...when i am glad to be set up;

just like the favorite song that was playing when i pulled into the parking space - who knew?! i like these little surprises in life. even if nothing came of the first date, at least it was a great time...

making friends

I accept the trade-offs of not having best friends.

That means having to do more to court people who already have best buddies. Take the b-day I missed last Saturday. I am now inviting the few guy friends at the party to dinner. They've all been over for dinner before, but it's been a while since we've all hung out.

First, the invite. It has to be known that I am invite the others. Then, I have to track down every single one, make sure that there is an opening, and pursuade each person to be here.

Why so much work? Because I enjoy entertaining, and because unconventional methods requires more persuasion. Friendships are like this. They take time to cultivate.

The best part is that most of the people in my life are used to these invites, so they come over, empty-handed, and ready to eat and share the good life!

opposite of what i had expected

Sometimes it's good to just blab b/c that let's me test out theories. It also burns out the people who don't really care.

Looking back at the best relationships, and they were people who understood all my theories, even if they didn't agree. I miss those times.

The current guy is history b/c he either doesn't have the patience or just not that into me to hear me out.

The irony is that the one guy that I was in love with in the last four years always said the right things. So much so that I don't even have to keep on talking. I know he gets it, and that's enough for me to stop talking and just be happy.

Now that I know what I am looking for, it's a lot easier to hang out with men. I truly enjoy their company now. Ironic b/c it's so much easier to see when they are not right. Sigh...

make time

Some of my fellow travelers on the Peru trip packed giant suitcases to ensure that they had everything, especially the right outfits. They looked great. Yours truly did not put much thought into my outfit selection b/c of other priorities. I was at a house party an hour away right before it was time to leave for the airport. Of course, I packed before leaving for the party! ;)

I ended up wearing mostly my ski clothing and some random hiking items found at Sports Basement the day of departure. It was a bummer to not have any party outfits to wear on our nights out at Cusco, but consider how much time I gained by not spending it on packing, it was worth it.

One of the observations during my trip was how much time people spend on vanity. I am all about looking good, but when I travel, I don't much care. Traveling is for me to see the world and not for the world to see me. I repeated my outfits and didn't always match. By not focusing on myself, I also managed to read almost three books, over 900 pages, during the trip.

This trip was a reminder that I can do so much more with my time. It never occurred to me to slow down b/c I always feel as if I can do more. From the last entry, looks like I am about to make more time by not going dancing as much. What's next?...

diversity in friends

Got invited to a b-day party tonight. The b-day star and the organizer are two guy friends that I know. Was excited about going, since I have been going to their b-day celebrations for the past few years. After several attempts to find a wing-woman or a group of girlfriends to go with, I am left with passing on the event.

By always hanging out with different friends, it is nearly impossible to find party buddies/dancing partners so last-minute.

Given my constant planning and courting women, very rarely have I had to stay in on a Saturday night.

By being out of the country for the last two weeks, I haven't followed up with the usual suspects. It's even harder that almost all my party buddies are in relationships; I get them when the SOs are busy or out of town.

I don't mind at all. Just as on the trip these past two weeks, I embrace all that life brings me. There is a great chance that I might be single for a while, so I have to get used to spending time by myself. There is also a chance that the current guy is the one, so I should relish this time to be alone. Will continue to let life unfold. Party or not, I am in a happy state right now.

i did it

After 4 days of hiking, I made it to Machu Picchu. It was an amazing experience. Felt lucky that everything worked out for me to be able to take this trip of a lifetime.

The vacation was long, 12 days. I was ready to come back and am back at work this Friday morning.

Lots of thoughts but will take my time in jotting them down.