opposite of what i had expected

Sometimes it's good to just blab b/c that let's me test out theories. It also burns out the people who don't really care.

Looking back at the best relationships, and they were people who understood all my theories, even if they didn't agree. I miss those times.

The current guy is history b/c he either doesn't have the patience or just not that into me to hear me out.

The irony is that the one guy that I was in love with in the last four years always said the right things. So much so that I don't even have to keep on talking. I know he gets it, and that's enough for me to stop talking and just be happy.

Now that I know what I am looking for, it's a lot easier to hang out with men. I truly enjoy their company now. Ironic b/c it's so much easier to see when they are not right. Sigh...

make time

Some of my fellow travelers on the Peru trip packed giant suitcases to ensure that they had everything, especially the right outfits. They looked great. Yours truly did not put much thought into my outfit selection b/c of other priorities. I was at a house party an hour away right before it was time to leave for the airport. Of course, I packed before leaving for the party! ;)

I ended up wearing mostly my ski clothing and some random hiking items found at Sports Basement the day of departure. It was a bummer to not have any party outfits to wear on our nights out at Cusco, but consider how much time I gained by not spending it on packing, it was worth it.

One of the observations during my trip was how much time people spend on vanity. I am all about looking good, but when I travel, I don't much care. Traveling is for me to see the world and not for the world to see me. I repeated my outfits and didn't always match. By not focusing on myself, I also managed to read almost three books, over 900 pages, during the trip.

This trip was a reminder that I can do so much more with my time. It never occurred to me to slow down b/c I always feel as if I can do more. From the last entry, looks like I am about to make more time by not going dancing as much. What's next?...

diversity in friends

Got invited to a b-day party tonight. The b-day star and the organizer are two guy friends that I know. Was excited about going, since I have been going to their b-day celebrations for the past few years. After several attempts to find a wing-woman or a group of girlfriends to go with, I am left with passing on the event.

By always hanging out with different friends, it is nearly impossible to find party buddies/dancing partners so last-minute.

Given my constant planning and courting women, very rarely have I had to stay in on a Saturday night.

By being out of the country for the last two weeks, I haven't followed up with the usual suspects. It's even harder that almost all my party buddies are in relationships; I get them when the SOs are busy or out of town.

I don't mind at all. Just as on the trip these past two weeks, I embrace all that life brings me. There is a great chance that I might be single for a while, so I have to get used to spending time by myself. There is also a chance that the current guy is the one, so I should relish this time to be alone. Will continue to let life unfold. Party or not, I am in a happy state right now.

i did it

After 4 days of hiking, I made it to Machu Picchu. It was an amazing experience. Felt lucky that everything worked out for me to be able to take this trip of a lifetime.

The vacation was long, 12 days. I was ready to come back and am back at work this Friday morning.

Lots of thoughts but will take my time in jotting them down.

growing

I love a good party, especially hosting. This 4th, I ended up attending other people's instead. It was wonderful to meet new people and catch up with old friends. The best part is the second party was close to my brother's place, so I could stop by and get rested. Those South Bay events are fun, but the drive is long.

I like spending time with people who are very different. The experience challenges me and makes me see everything more clearly.

The one thing that I felt today from many men that has been missing in a lot of the men I dated of late is sweetness, a certain eagerness that is almost clumsy. I see how I've lost so much of that when I talk to men. Blah, I must sound so stuck up.

This latest crush is no longer b/c he takes my company for granted. I told him that I don't want to be a convenience. Why be more than friends if he isn't going to be serious about me? True, no one knows what is going to happen, but I always know when the guy is not into me. Curse or blessing? Definitely a blessing.

So I move on.

p.s. The iPhone made an appearance. So Bay Area where the place to review gadgets is at parties and not the retail stores.

right to choose

Been spending time with older women who don't have children. These women have cultivated themselves and have the luxury to care for anyone they choose, including me. I like being taken under their wings. The wisdom from an older female friend is invaluable as I navigate through my career and love life.

I now know that women are always givers, and it is in our nature to care. That's why motherhood is so fulfilling; it is the ultimate role as care takers. Still, I give in my own ways. My life will always be filled with people, and I will always give w/o expecting anything in return.

It is quite liberating to be in my 30s and to have zero pressure to marry and to have kids. Perhaps this lack of desparateness is what makes me more attractive now than five years ago. I don't have to cater to anyone in hopes of settling down. I am with a man because I enjoy his company. Dating and getting to know men have shaped me because I learn from all of these men's best qualities.

Similarly, I am learning much from my older female friends, especially that life is meant to be lived with joy and passion. I am inspired to live each day as if it were my last. So I could use more sleep and stay in more, but I have the rest of my life to rest. For now, I am having too much fun!

the old and the new

Went on a tour of SOMA buildings Fri. Caught a good picture of past, present and future. It's the Chronicle headquarters in SOMA, the renovated Mint, and the InterContinental Hotel.

friend of the moment

I tend to change my female friend of the moment just as I change the men I date. I have no qualm about dropping female friends of the moment if I feel that there is no longer meeting of the minds or reciprocation. I used to give without expecting anything in return. Now that I am much more selfish, I don't try too hard if it takes more than three to four tries to get together.

I learn to move on w/friends given my dating experience. Men have taught me how to not take lost connections personally. If a woman is important enough, the guy will make the effort.

Maybe learning how to move on is the reason why I have civilized break-ups. I don't understand how people have shouting matches or arguments at the end. It's just not worth the emotional upheaval. Connections are suppose to uplift us. If it feels like too much work or scary, then either work on ourselves, communicate clearly, or exit gracefully.

One interesting note. At times, my female friends have commented negatively on the men of the moment. I always pick the romantic interest over the friend. Not listening to friends has worked out very well for me; they reveal the friends of the moment.

thinking too much

I think the last post was a reaction to J's comment last Fri that I am not going to make it through July w/o dating someone.

Should be an interesting month. Yes, let the guy lead for a change. Did I mention that I am taking private salsa lessons? Going to a salsa club tonight to be twirled around.

Can't talk about or think about dating too much. I do everything by gut, but then when I write about it, it takes the fun out of the magical experiences.

Oh! Some exciting news. I have an informational lunch w/a big company next Thursday. It's for a possible position. Cross my fingers.

how the game is played

Ended a hanging out session. Stayed out in public. ;) It wasn't a date b/c there wasn't any formality to it. I am not sure where I stand, but I always know before the guy when it's not going to work out. :P

The night ended w/o much commotion. I know it's not meant to be. Almost amused that the men often think there is more b/c of their hormones. Too bad I am focused on career right now. I want to have a magical experience, but I cannot invest in a man when work is my mistress.

Ultimatley, I see how people see me; I get a lot of facination and admiration but not true understanding. Until that one guy is willing to walk to the end of the earth for me and me him, game is at love. Hum, still no ace yet, but it's a five-set game baby.

satisfaction

I can die happy now.

It's a random but powerful thought that popped into my head yesterday. I have everything I want in life.

Was exchanging e-mails with a new friend. In telling me their how-we-met story, she joked that she meant to go out, date lots of men and break some hearts but ended up marrying her high school sweetheart. Then I remembered being 12 and believing that I was going to be single forever. It's an odd example of wanting something and getting it, but many facets of my reality are subconscious goals from childhood.

That's why whenever I ask my dad for advice, he always say that I have all the answers myself. Yes, I do!

We all have the answers. Every single one of us has the insight to overcome every challenge, if we listen to our intuition.

Life is quite easy. There is no negativity, only the wonder of how we will choose to embrace challenges and fulfill our destiny.

loving this book

I stayed up last night to read Min Jin Lee's book. Half way through, and I love it!!

Besides the great writing and the relevance of the story to our generation, the plot makes me so grateful to be me.

My life is quite ordinary. I don't have any worries, am surrounded by lots of support, and I have all the resources to realize my goals.

Excited that this will be a year of even more good reading!

clear my head

B/t the hike yesterday and the walk tonight, I feel invincible. Others have yoga, but I have my own ways of centering myself.

What's even more perfect is how fate introduces the opportunities for me to hike or walk.

The hike was partly work; I represent the company at community functions. Although I would probably have hiked even if not to represent the company, it was this job that led me to one of the most hidden treasures in the Bay Area, the San Bruno Mountain.

Same thing tonight; I felt better after a long walk. C and I met for our regular dinner out. It's always fun b/c we always eat well despite the tab; some unexpected saving always happen, especially at the better dinners. Tonight, b/t the happy hour wine prices and my discount card, it was more like buying each other lunch.

After, I walked home. The 2.7 miles felt short b/c at times I was going faster than the post-parade traffic on Van Ness. The trek made me want to find some more walking trips aroudn town...

being smarter

Tonight, I drove back late from hanging out with a girlfriend, around 2am. Driving around SF late at night is liberating b/c there isn't any traffic. I also paid more attention b/c people are crazier at that time of the night.

Sure enough, there was a couple, attempting to cross the street in the middle of the block. They were forced to go back on the median when my car passed by them.

It was a stylish couple, although a foolish one. I felt so sorry for the woman b/c she was dragged by this man, with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth.

Then, I felt sorry for both of them. Obviously, being in this relationship lowered their intelligence enough that they actually thought it was a good idea to cross the street from the middle of the block, in the dark.

Lately, many friends asked what I am looking for in a man. I finally figured out my answer. I want someone who can inspire me to be better.

There is someone that I admire right now who makes me want to be better, and that's a start.

the more things change...

Went to Berkeley w/a community member who is more of a friend. She treated me to chocolates at Alegio and lunch at Chez Panisse. It was for my b-day, since I picked up the tab for her b-day a couple of months ago. It's been amazing to have all these mentors and older friends over the years who showed me that being successful starts with a frame a mind.

The Gourmet Ghetto is no longer ghetto. It's pretty, and upscale!

The one surprise to this lovely lunch was how the food was great but not as wow as I remembered it. Okay, so it's the Cafe and not the actual restaurant. Still, living in SF has upped my expectations of everything.

It was the perfect break to a busy work week, and now I am ready to head off to celebrate my b-day!

read this book

Went to my second book reading in a week. Good thing I don't have rules about events.

Actually bought the book at the signing. Fun to have a book signed out to me!

Glad that I have Monday's experience to compare. This is a first-time writer and a fiction book. Also an Asian American story.

Talked to the author Min Jin Lee after about how I don't have much of an Asian American experience b/c I was raised overseas by progressive parents. My parents accomplished so much that I don't have to live out their dreams. I wish I can live their reality!

That's why I want to buy the book. Maybe now I'll finally understand some of my friends better.

It was marvelous to be inspired by someone who is so passionate about fiction. I never read fiction, but now I am going to start. Love it when someone gets me to try something new...

hobby

Went to my favorite store today. Crossroads is a chain of thrift stores all over the country. They buy and sell current fashion, and the key is that they are quite selective about the items that they buy back.

Shopping at Crossroads is part of how I change my style. And more importantly, how I afford my lifestyle.

Rather than just shop at the stores as a retail experience, it is thrift shopping. There is a certain element of serendipidy. One also accept the likelihood of not finding anything, or worst, finding something almost right but for size, color, or defect (tear/stain/etc.).

To make it even more worth while, I usually sell something back and use the credit to buy something. The key is to get rid of things that don't quite work before they are completely outdated.

The buyback can be embarassing, as the buyer rejects item after item. I love it though; if they reject it, I shouldn't have it in my closet anyways. Today, I happen to have a few barely-worn items. Given that I hardly shop these days, even at Crossroads, I have had quite a few trips where they took nothing back...

No one can do this to make a living. Crossroads pays 35% cash value of sales prices and 50% in trade. Which translates to $3-$10. I always trade and even take a credit to use another time. In fact, I learned about Crossroads b/c a friend w/designer taste would go there to get a little something for her 3-to-4-digit purchases. In comparison, I rarely buy clothing for over $50...

After the buyback, if at all, I shop. There are quite a few rules. I only look for one or two types of clothing at once. For instance, today was all about trendy tops, for work and for play. Tops are grouped by colors, and I usually look through 3-4 colors at the most. The limitation helps me stay focused. I don't think the human mind can process too much information at once, so rather than trying to buy outfits, I look for pieces. Somewhat like finding that last missing piece of a puzzle.

I don't particularly love shopping. Supposedly women are gatherers and love the variety of shopping (it's suppose to simulate our food-gathering skills). I find shopping quiet inefficient and treat it as a need, like buying groceries. Shopping is merely finding costume for my life; my true passion is living in the moment.

Back to the rules. I usually have an intuitive sense of what I am looking for, and every article of clothing gets 2 seconds. If it doesn't impress me, it is passed over.

If something catches my eye and doesn't look too big, then I look for the tag. It helps to know that most tags are on the left-hand side seam, except certain brands like Benetton is on the right shoulder seam. Few woman's brands still have it on the back of the neck, but less so these days.

The tag tells the fabric. 100% cotton is a pass. Lycra content makes it less likely to wrinkle and help to maintain the shape. The blended content is also how I only iron once a month.

Dry-clean only doesn't matter. I use Dryel, and most of the stuff can be hand-washed. The warning is just the manufacturer's way of making sure you don't ruin the stuff.

Most of the shopping is done on the floor. I can eliminate 99% of the rack right there at the rack. I don't even have to look at the tags to reject based on style and size on about 70% of the inventory.

Try on is next. This is even more intuitive. Well, sometimes comical. I have had so many things that I could not even zip up or pull down; it's a relief that I am the only one in the dressing room.

Today was rare; I actually found four tops for every occasion. Even a "we're a couple" top! Well, I'll get into dressing for dating another day. Total cost? I actually bought something designer so had to spend money. It wasn't bad. Four tops for under $37 given the credit.

The best part? The entire time spent in the store was 32 minutes, counting the buyback. I think it took me longer to post this entry...

social inequity

Was at Crushpad's happening open house Saturday. It's this wine-making facility in San Francisco. They buy grapes directly from vineyards for customers to create custom blends.

Yes, a brilliant idea: bringing wine making to the amature.

Our group that enjoys monthly wine tasting together considered for one minute on a potential vino joint venture, but then the idea of being stuck with 300 bottles that we all had to agree on...didn't fly.

Random thought: something not right about a place where you can plunk down $4K+ for a barrel of wine, hop on the light rail, and stop at 3 public housing projects en route...

Welcome to SF!

heroine

A friend invited me to a book signing, and I heard one of my heroes speak: Jackie Speier.

Here is a woman who was wounded by gun shots during a political investigation at age 28. Survived that and went on to be a pioneer in California politics. She then got married, had a child, lost an adoptive child (the birth mother wanted the child back), got pregnant, lost her husband in a car accident (by an uninsured motorist) while pregnant, and raised two children on her own, met a new husband, and continued to grow her career all this time.

I asked if she and her co-author could comment on how women of my generation have to chose either career or family while theirs seem to have it all. JackieSpeier said that she didn't get marry until 37, and Michealene Cristini Risley said the same thing, she waited to have kids.

Reading these women's professional bios was awe-inspiring, but meeting them and hearing the personal stories made me proud. Felt the kindred spirit w/these independent women who did what they needed to survive and shine as bright stars.

The best part was that my friend who invited me to this event had heard them speak before, and she thought of me and invited me tonight. T is in her 60s. I am touched by how others continue to lift my spirits despite the uncertainties in career and men.

hard core

Went climbing today. It's been a while. Still, glad that I can just take it up when a friend wants to go.

Saw a female climber who had a serious knee injury that she hobbled around with crutches. Looked like she had knee surgery.

She was climbing regardless! She used her two hands and one leg, climbing 10As! That's what I climb w/all my limbs!

Wow, it's good to see someone who loves something so much that she is willing to participate despite her injury.