the last supper

People ask me all the time about intuition. What is gut feeling?

One thing I enjoy about getting older is honing my intuition. This complete trust I have in every decision and every thought is like play, except the payoffs are for real. I love to have fun, and what is more fun than anything else is to follow my gut and do whatever I want, always!

So last night, while cooking my usual weekly meal, it occurred to me that this is the last group meal I'll be cooking for a while.

Just like that, I knew that this ritual is coming to an end. Sure, I'll be whipping up meals soon enough, but there was a strong sense that there will not be a group dinner next week...

Usually, there are signs to confirm my intuition, and that's how I improve it. Last night, there were definitely signs. Everyone was running late, and then one of my friends called in a frenzy that my street is blocked off! Apparently, someone left a suspicious package at the school across the street. Just when I went outside to check it out, they blew up the package offsite. Talk to about drama! As always, everything worked out. It was a lovely evening; got to know my friends better. Even had time to perfect a new receipe...

So, I look forward to that extra evening a week to do whatever I am meant to do next.

lesson learned

This past Saturday, I raced with a dragon boat team in the SF Dragon Boat Festival. What fun!

My team consisted of adults and high school teenagers who were part of two service organizations in the City. Perhaps due to the fact that some of the team members did not show up at every practice, our performance was not as consistent as the other teams. It was eye opening to see how some of the teams had matching life jackets and paddles while others just used the loaners provided by the festival.

Our team came in last in our heat in the first race. With each of the three heats, we got better. Still, the team never tasted victory.

I felt like a winner b/c I am not a fan of team sports. This was the first time in my life that I actually belonged to a team other than track and debate where I only competed in individual events.

For the sake of the high school kids, I am glad that we did not win and had to fight to not be last in the second and third race. Looking at these second or third-generation Asian kids, I wonder how many of them had opportunities to challenge themselves. It's so rare for young people to experience hardships these days. Even myself, I never worried about money until I was in fifth grade.

The dragon boat race was as real as it gets, with some of the corporate teams getting lots of advantages, and the results reflected those advantages. Perhaps this is why I love sports; it's the only area where one is challenged in a controlled environment yet can continue to improve and gain confidance.

It's a great thing that I don't have many challenges in my life. Yes, life is too easy at times. It's time to challenge myself rather than wait for life to hand me some hurdles.

working

Work has always been a big part of my identiy, and I do take work personally. Unfortunately, that means when work is not going well, I can get depressed. Lately, I feel down b/c work has been frustration.

Maybe it's too much expectation? Did I think I would be riding the high of this past year still? I hate to admit it, but my work affects me more than it should. We had two IT meltdowns yesterday, and I am still waiting for the phone people to come fix things (two days after I first contacted them.) I feel some resentment b/c I didn't come to this job to be an admin person, yet the majority of my time is being an executive assistant.

The good thing was that I snapped out of it this morning. I realized that I was too presumptuous. I assumed that this position was going to be plum, not realizing that this company will never be able to offer the perks of a world-class company. I AM glad that I see for myself why this company has fallen short of its potential. In the end, it's about people. Companies who value its people (and that can translate into many different ways) will be the ones that get things done.

One reason that I am doing so much at work may be due to the fact that I have worked at more place than anyone else at the current company. Since high school, I have worked at 22 jobs. All that experience means that instinctively, I know what works and what doesn't.

Today is a good day. It is the realization of what I can and cannot control at my job. I feel the cloud that has hung over me in the last few weeks lifting. Just in time for partying with friends this weekend!!

don't get me mad

I loved the cartoon angry kid b/c it's so twisted.
http://www.angrykid.com/main.html

There is also an appreciation for this character due to the metaphor. As much as I pride myself on being a nice person, I can get mad. Getting mad is okay b/c it's an indication that something is not right.

It's then my duty to focus and fix the problem. With people, it's all about removing myself from unpleasant situations. With work, it's all about figuring out how I can resolve the problems. Take today, the accounting department's computers were all down. It took me a while to track down our consultants and fix it, but it's fixed. Now we are having VM issues, and I am once again tracking down the vendor to come take care of it.

I was angry today because I did not sign up to be the IT person, but I inherited this duty when the prior non-IT-but-do-IT person quit. As much as I pride on being capable, this is not how I envision my career. I do miss being at a well-staffed company where the problems are solved by competent people.

So even though a lot of people say don't get mad, I encourage anger. It's what you do with the anger that is important. Anger should be the motivation to change and not lead to frustration. One must not give up at the sign of challenge but to always have faith that the solution is up to us.

in the name of environmentalism

One of the things that I like about urban planning in California is the political process. Although burdensome, the political process created in part by the California state law guards against abuse by any one party.

However, if a community group does insist on hijaking the process, development can be stopped, which can sometimes be a negative thing.

One of the property bordering my company's site was going to be turned into Home Depot in 1999. Unfortunately, with a very strong anti-development and anti-big-box movement, Home Depot pulled out. It was just too expensive to keep fighting the community. This was a factory that was closed down in 1989 and sat vacant and fenced up for 10 year.

Fast-forward 7 years, and the site is still vacant and fenced up. That 11 acres of abandoned site hurt the community's ability to revitalize itself.

Now, my company is in talks to take over the site because we are suing the neigbhoring company for contamination. The deal is not happening because the other side wants an impossible indemnity. It would be too expensive and too risky for us to let the other side off the hook completely. Back in 1999, Home Depot and this company were going to give each other mutual indeminity...

So, the only likely result is redevelopment, which would take another 15 years before something will happen.

This story would not have been as personal has it not for getting to know the community. Almost everyone I meet supports the Home Depot deal, and they never found out what reallky happened. There was one woman who spearheaded the fight against it, and she is also my company's biggest opponent in many other projects.

Without full understanding of economic development, this woman spent hours meeting with city officials and staff and wielding her influence with the various organizations around the area to fight development. I cannot help but feel sad for the community because this woman is not serving them. She is so idealistic that she drives away many opportunities that this poor community needs.

This story is a reminder that there is a dark side to the open political proces...

hustling

Last night, several friends met up at a bar in the Mission and walked toward my place after. Right after we walk down the street, one friend remembered that she has yet to close the tab. Two guy friends went with her. The rest of us waited near Mission and 16th.

A black man approached us and introduced himself. He shaked hands with one friend and asked for some change. It was sad that when he tried to shake the another person in the group, that person was paralyzed by fear. I didn't realize that some of the group was not used to this environment.

For me, I usually just politely but firmly refuse the request, because the act may encourage more of it.

The first friend handled the situation by giving the stranger a quarter. That person did walk away.

Still, I was a bit surprised by the reaction of the rest of the group. Yes, there were some very sheltered people in our mix.

It was unfortunate, because I never let fear stop me. I practice caution, but in a crowded street corner in San Francisco, most of the people who approach others are quite harmless. One should just have a policy and stick to it. I try to be polite and wish pan-handlers luck because I don't want to give them money or encourage them.

Cannot help but think that part of the reason why some neighborhoods don't improve is because people are not used to walking out and about and enjoy the city. Yes, pan-handling is part of the city experience, but so are learning about the problems first hand and have an appreciation if we don't have to deal with those problems on a personal level.

Everytime I see poverty, I am reminded that I must focus on trying to make the world a better place. Part of the reason that work has lost some of its appeal is because I don't know if my company is focused on making the world better. I am once again re-directed to try to do some good.

the accused

One of my girlfriends wanted to buy a dress for a wedding. I suggested Georgiou Outlet on Bryant. They've got stuff at 50-80% off retail and good designs. I even offer to meet her there b/c she seemed to appreciate the suggestion in the past.

After trying on quite a few choices, she I did find something with my help. We went our separate ways afterwards.

Just now, I got a phone call from her. She claimed that her MAC compact was missing from her purpose, and she suspected that I took it.

What?! Why would I want to take a used eyeshow compact from a friend?

Anyways, she claimed that her purse was open after I held it for her, and it was zipped before that. She also said that she doesn't know me that well. Okay, I have been giving this woman advice for the past year, sometimes weekly, and we don't know each other well?

I just told her that I did not take it and wished her luck. I cannot even get upset about the false accusation because it was not true. Also, my heart goes on to the person who jump to conclusion that a friend would do something bad to her.

Perhaps this is meant to be. If I am meant to lose a friend over something petty, then so be it. I hope she does figure out the truth soon because this will eat away at her like so many other things.

Is this what is meant of that saying "one's lot in life"? It's not so much what happens to us that seals our fate but how we react to everyday events...

walking

So I heard back from the Chairman. I don't understand how can a raise "be incorporate into the incentive program"...

I started to look at jobs today. The road to build more housing does not have to be a straight path.

Things that give me joy:

public library/books on reserve
farmers market
produce on sale
yoga
gym
newspaper
figuring out how to do/fix/clean stuff
cooking
thrift stores
unlocking the mysteries of cities

Of course, there are also the things to do w/other people, but these are the things I can count on, no matter what.

the easy things

Asked for a raise today. After busting my butt for 7 months. It's time to reassess my value to the company.

Funny, at the last job, not getting the raise I asked for made it that much easier to leave. In the current job, not getting the raise will just make it that much easier to strike out on my own.

I don't doubt my ability to contribute, but asking for the raise means that I look at myself differently than when I first started.

One thing why I love to work is because work comes naturally for me. In comparison to sports or relationships, I always know what to do on the job. In some ways, work is addictive because it's predictable. Even the way some colleagues take work too seriously is predictable.

Even though I see some challenges at the current job, I know the only way to push myself to the limit is to strike out on my own. More than ever, the one thing I cannot do right now is spend more time with my parents. Working for myself will only take up more energy, but I believe the right opportunity will make everything happen.

Just have to be patient. Tomorrow I'll have some answers. It'll be an interesting test of the board.

composure

Scary. Today, I lost my temper while talking to an ex-employee of my company who is working for the company next door. This person did not get along with his supervisor and was transfered to the other company owned by some of the same investors.

The person left his desk a mess, so I had asked through his colleague to clean it up. It never got done. Then, the Secretary of the Board asked him to do so. She is also the wife of the main investor of both companies.

He came to me today and said that he cannot clean up the desk because none of the items belonged to him. Fine, I said, then just help the person who is taking over the task sort through everything and clear out the cubicle. He kept acting dumb and insisted loudly that he cannot clean up the area.

Unfortunately, I got sucked into this childish behavior and raised my voice as well. It went on for ten minutes. I even said that if he was more organized, then we would not have to even clean up the area (cheap shot, I know).

Luckily, I had to leave for a meeting, so I caved in and said that another employee and I will take care of it.

The reason why this person is still around is because he is married to another one of my co-worker whose father is an influential political figure in a foreign country. In any other company, this person would have been shown the pink slip long ago.

I am ashamed of myself too, since I lowered myself to his level. After working both days this past weekend, I am not at my best. Well, this is all behind me now.

The saddest part of all is that I pity his wife. To be married to someone that doesn't garner other people's respect...

live dangerously

My life is too easy, so I try to live on the edge by packing it in.

I have been working nonstop for the past 9 days. The trick to make it exciting and not dreadful is to do something fun every singel day. Sunday was an impromptu meal at home for a friend. Monday night was a last-minute dinner at Beldon Lane and dessert at Sweet Inspirations. Tonight was hitting the gym after a 2.5 hour community meeting which I am an appointed committee member.

Tomorrow is cooking dinner for 4. I have yet to shop at all. To get the freshest seafood, I will head to the market at 7am, when it opens and shop quickly. It'll be close as I have a 830 meeting every Wednesday.

What can add to the stress is the cleaning of the whole place and making sure that I have that one or two surprise element in the meal. There is something about serving something that people don't usually eat that adds to the finishing touch. For a while I was insistent about serving fresh pineapple b/c so few people ever eat the fresh ones at home. The fresh seafood is part of it. I don't claim to be a great cook, but I try to bring out the flavor in fresh food.

Of course, this is all happening the week that I have deposition prep and four after-work functions. I am learning to say no by cutting back Thursday and missing two night meetings. It is important to push back because then people understand that I do have limitations. I am going to visit a friend who is a stay-at-home mom and her young daughter. Someone else is cooking for me for a change!

Oh, and I am cooking the third meal on Friday. The best part is that the bathroom and floor are going to be clean, since I always clean right before company arrives. One secret to a good first impression is to polish all shinny surfaces!

choices

Having worked both Saturday and Sunday, the weekend felt short. Still, I was able to do almost everything on my list, from dragon boat practice to dancing to cooking dinner for a friend. The only regret is not driving to the East Bay to visit my mother.

I don't hold any negativity towards work because it's just a learning experience. In some ways, I have carved out all the time I need for my personal life. It's about being so organized that I plan for fun along with the work committments.

Take this week, I was scheduled to give two more bus tours after work, but I am going to bow out of the one on Thursday to go visit a friend and her baby daughter. I am going to take some heat for missing a community meeting that same evening, but I have already talked to people to cover for me.

I am very lucky that I am junior enough to still make these choices, but isn't the point of career stability so we can dictate our schedule? In the end, it's about being clear of my priorities. I know where I am going, and I am getting there on my terms.

bet everything

Sometimes you have to put all your chips on the table to find out the other party's hand.

Today, I finally confronted the person I have been causally dating for months. I risked it all and found the truth. To put it bluntly, we concluded that I have yet to rank above his friends. That was not something I was prepared to hear but had to hear to finally move on.

I am taking my own advice. It's either the man or the timeline. You either follow the man until he is ready, or you have to find someone who is ready when you are. I am finally ready for a partner, and this person is just not it. So I am once again, moving on.

circles

Last night, I took off work early, since I'll be working both Sat and Sun.

Went to check out First Thursday, the art gallery openings until 730 in downtown SF the first Thursdays of every month. Met up with my friend and his friends. My friend went to RISD (Rhode Island School of Design), and some of the people and artists there were alums. We picked one of the buildings that had about 20 galleries and went down floor by floor.

Even though I frequent museums, this is a totally different scene, complete with its own dress code. The crowd consisted of art students, buyers and artists. Then there were people like me, who dressed so conservatively in comparison that I actually stood out. It was fascinating to people watch. I had never seen so many men (many hetero) who put so much effort into their looks!

And the shoes!!

It was such a creative experience. The night confirmed my belief that to be my best I must learn from the world and seek out new scenes and make them my own. I hope to go back to the gallery openings in the next few months and dress more appropriately next time!

advice

The odd thing about advice is that it's someone else's opinion about how I should run my life.

Why would I take advice from someone else besides myself when no one knows me as well?

This is why I rarely takes other's advice. I suggest that you do the same and figure it out for yourself. Yes, it takes more effort, but the outcome will be entirely your own.

freedom

Feelin' free b/c I don't have to be anything except myself.

To fully accept myself means to allow myself to go with my whim. So what if it's not what YOU would do? So what if my choices don't seem right (to you)?

I have never been happier, yet more and more, I am meeting people who are weighted down by their worries.

Go ahead, dance around. Just like how I love to tear up the dance floor, I am quite enjoying this craziness of moving through life without a care in the world!

diversity

Had a conversation with a girlfriend last night who is always hard on herself. We even have a phrase for how she is: Shouda, Coulda, Woulda. She sometimes looks back at her past and regrets over what could have been.

I, on the other hand, looks forward. To me, the past happened already. Move on. Yes, I struggle with the present like anyone else, but I know that things will get better soon enough.

One thing that has helped me to cope with disappointments and challenges is diversity. By being exposed to so many different lifestyles and personalities ever since I was a kid, I know that my life is meant to have it own unique course.

Take wealth. Many people long for the life of the rich but really doesn't know all the responsibilities that come with wealth. I was fortunately to have witnessed the lives of several financially successful people through relatives and family friends. One fact of life that I learned before I was even ten was that wealthy people are not necessarily happier than the poor or the middle class.

Even though I strive for financial security like most people, I approach money very differently. I am fine with buying things second-hand or not eat out all the time if it means that I can have more free time.

By being with people who have money and those who don't have quite as much, I can see for myself what is it that I truly value.

Take many attorneys that I know. Many of them were enticed by the money and the prestige of the industry. Little did they know that the road to partnership is filled with long hours and overwhelming amount of work. It's also a profession that gives its workers so much money that it is not easy to walk away from the lifestyles of cleaning people and posh residents.

In the end, it's about one's values. There is no right or wrong values, since most people base their values on learned lessons and personal experience. Diversity does remind me that I have a lot more choices and don't have to settle for the obvious values, like marriage or wealth.

help oneself

Sometimes life goes up, sometimes it comes down.

It's been a very tough two weeks for my mother. For some reason, her empty-nest syndrome is in full force even though all three of us have left home for more than a couple of years.

One thing that is unique in my mother's life is that people have always catered to her. From her parents, friends, spouse and children, she is used to having people give into her every whim.

Unfortunately, the one exception is me. Keeping a very busy schedule has meant that I don't always see her or do everything for her that she needs. I subscribe to the air mask theory of giving. The airlines are always telling us to put the face mask on ourselves before helping others. I am selfish in that I can only give as much as I am whole, so that means I don't do as much for my mother as other people in her life.

It's just personality. I take pride in doing everything for myself and rely on people very rarely. For my mother, she has gotten used to people serving her and is having a hard time with the fact that there is not one person she can rely on any more. Even my father, who allowed my mother to sleep in when we were growing up (doesn't everyone's father make breakfast while the mother slept in?), is terminally ill and not always able to cater to her.

This episode of watching my mother's frustration has taught me that one must be flexible enough to adapt to change. Even though I am surrounded by friends and things to do in the City, there will be one day when I am more alone. The key is to stay one step ahead of one's circumstances.

clarity

When I see things for what they truly are
rather than what I wish them to be
or what I assume them to be,
that's when I have all the answers.

It's been absolutely the best weekend.

No, not all of my problems are solved,
but then, I don't have real problems in my life,
only facts that are not excepted fully.

Perhaps this is the power of the subconscious.
When we ask a question into the air,
the answers often take a while to appear.

What is needed is complete silence.
And faith.

I've always had the latter b/c of my intuition.
Now I also have stillness and clarity.

What is the most surprising is that one man
gave me the key to unlock the power within.