dance the little dance

My new rule in dating is let the guy make the first move.

Being intuitive can be a curse b/c I can decipher romantic potential very clearly on the first meeting. The guy doesn't have to have one stellar trait, but if the feeling is right, then I am willing to invest the time. Apparently, it's different for most of the guys out there.

To account for the varying level of intuition out there, my new rule is to just be patient. Getting to know people is a two-way street, and given that I am not very conventional, I need to give people a chance to figure me out too.

At the same time, I have little apprecitation for the men who try so hard. Life is too short to be focusing so much on little old me. My life is about all my interests, and the ideal guy needs to be just as active.

It's strange for me to finally be ready for a relationship. Being the woman though, I feel that it is still best to let the man make the first move.. It's like salsa. I never appreciated instructional dancing b/c I didn't want the guy to lead. For the first time though, I want to learn most of the latin dances and am looking forward to have a partner who will offer his hand.

fraud

Feeling proud this morning because I foiled an attempt to collect my eBay personal information!

It was a standard e-mail from eBay stating that my account has been suspended due to a non-performance claim. The link to resolve the dispute took me to a eBay sign-in page. I proceeded to sign in. Then, as I was filling out some of the information, my intuition suggested that something was not quite right.

First of all, the link to describe the claim was not functional, so I cannot clearly understand the problem. Then, the page started to request some very sensitive information, including my social security number. That's when I quickly logged into www.ebay.com and found the fraud division to send the e-mail to. I also changed my password to my account.

Sure enough, two minutes later, eBay responded that this e-mail was not from the company. Phew, I was able to escape harm.

Was I lucky? Yes, but it was also many other skills that thwarted the scammers. Keeping up with current events helps because I read about these similar scams all the time. The articles mentioned the direct link to another page and that asking for social security number is always a flag. Just as important is correcting the mistake after the fact. By changing my password right away, I at least prevented the scammers from further access.

Most importantly, it is all about trusting my gut. I tend to trust the good in everyone, so the minute that anything causes my brow to furrow, it's a big warning sign. All right Mr/Ms "ebayonline", you may be clever, but not smart enough this time...

story telling

I don't believe in long-distance relationships, since the whole point of a relationship is to face life's ups and downs together.

On the other hand, I highly recommend long distance friendships. I have several friends who live outside of the area who have been key to my support system.

Rather than sharing meals or drinks, these friendships are built on phone calls and e-mails. The communications is a string of stories traded back and forth. These long-distance relationships focus on story telling, which can very effective therapy for life's ups and downs.

Also, the long distance relationships also make it unnecessary to see my other friends all the time. Sure, I am always up for spending time with people, but I no longer see any one friend on a weekly basis. In fact, I prefer to catch up with friends once a month or so. In the meantime, I am off to live and create some stories.

spirit

Went to dinner at a friend's house. She was someone I met through the Chamber of Commerce for work. This is a woman who is so energetic and full of life. Besides her business saviness, she also paints and has the most beautiful garden.

Last night, I met her husband for the first time, and he is also very similar in his optimism and good humor.

The couple just returned from his 30th college reunion. While looking at the pictures from that event, I noted something that everyone at the reunion also noticed, the husband looks 15 years younger than everyone else in the class. You can tell where he was in the pictures, because his youthfulness made him look out of place.

His theory is that he doesn't worry, but I know it's something more. Both the husband and wife have very strong spirits. The spirit is also the most important component of the body, mind and spirit.

Just as one exercises to strength the body and reads to enrich the mind, the spirit needs constant attention. The spirit is our creative selves. Laughter, the arts and human connection are the fuels for the spirit.

Anytime you combine activities that can lift and spirit as well as enrich the body or the mind, then it's even more dynamic. Dancing and teaching are good examples of activites that not only boost the body or the mind, but also nurture the spirit.

I feel quite lucky that my life is filled with people and activities that allow my spirit to be strong. My life's work will be to collect the endless inspirations for the spirit.

risk it all

I asked my uncle for raise today, and the same results as with asking the chairman: the runaround.

It's time for me to plan the exit strategy. I am at the company because I love my work, but I cannot work with people who don't value its people.

Just like losing my wallet, I have a clear sense of what I have to do next. It's good to have these ups and downs to move me toward my destiny...

sincere thanks

To the security crew who directed me when the airline counter staff was all gone,
To the shuttle driver who got me from Terminal 3 to Terminal 7 at LAX in 3 minutes,
To the United counter people who called every airline near where I lost my wallet,
To the LAPD who was so polite and reassuring while writing out my report,
To the friend who picked me up and then woke up 6 hours later to bring me back to the airport,
To the counter person who waived my $100 standby ticket fee,
To the parking structure manager whose creativity allowed me to have my car back w/only $20,

Big thanks.

15 hours later, the only things taken from me were $15 and three replaceable ID and credit cards and good as new. Life is good when one is tested and is barely bruised. Thanks to all who made it a great weekend.

the last supper

People ask me all the time about intuition. What is gut feeling?

One thing I enjoy about getting older is honing my intuition. This complete trust I have in every decision and every thought is like play, except the payoffs are for real. I love to have fun, and what is more fun than anything else is to follow my gut and do whatever I want, always!

So last night, while cooking my usual weekly meal, it occurred to me that this is the last group meal I'll be cooking for a while.

Just like that, I knew that this ritual is coming to an end. Sure, I'll be whipping up meals soon enough, but there was a strong sense that there will not be a group dinner next week...

Usually, there are signs to confirm my intuition, and that's how I improve it. Last night, there were definitely signs. Everyone was running late, and then one of my friends called in a frenzy that my street is blocked off! Apparently, someone left a suspicious package at the school across the street. Just when I went outside to check it out, they blew up the package offsite. Talk to about drama! As always, everything worked out. It was a lovely evening; got to know my friends better. Even had time to perfect a new receipe...

So, I look forward to that extra evening a week to do whatever I am meant to do next.

lesson learned

This past Saturday, I raced with a dragon boat team in the SF Dragon Boat Festival. What fun!

My team consisted of adults and high school teenagers who were part of two service organizations in the City. Perhaps due to the fact that some of the team members did not show up at every practice, our performance was not as consistent as the other teams. It was eye opening to see how some of the teams had matching life jackets and paddles while others just used the loaners provided by the festival.

Our team came in last in our heat in the first race. With each of the three heats, we got better. Still, the team never tasted victory.

I felt like a winner b/c I am not a fan of team sports. This was the first time in my life that I actually belonged to a team other than track and debate where I only competed in individual events.

For the sake of the high school kids, I am glad that we did not win and had to fight to not be last in the second and third race. Looking at these second or third-generation Asian kids, I wonder how many of them had opportunities to challenge themselves. It's so rare for young people to experience hardships these days. Even myself, I never worried about money until I was in fifth grade.

The dragon boat race was as real as it gets, with some of the corporate teams getting lots of advantages, and the results reflected those advantages. Perhaps this is why I love sports; it's the only area where one is challenged in a controlled environment yet can continue to improve and gain confidance.

It's a great thing that I don't have many challenges in my life. Yes, life is too easy at times. It's time to challenge myself rather than wait for life to hand me some hurdles.

working

Work has always been a big part of my identiy, and I do take work personally. Unfortunately, that means when work is not going well, I can get depressed. Lately, I feel down b/c work has been frustration.

Maybe it's too much expectation? Did I think I would be riding the high of this past year still? I hate to admit it, but my work affects me more than it should. We had two IT meltdowns yesterday, and I am still waiting for the phone people to come fix things (two days after I first contacted them.) I feel some resentment b/c I didn't come to this job to be an admin person, yet the majority of my time is being an executive assistant.

The good thing was that I snapped out of it this morning. I realized that I was too presumptuous. I assumed that this position was going to be plum, not realizing that this company will never be able to offer the perks of a world-class company. I AM glad that I see for myself why this company has fallen short of its potential. In the end, it's about people. Companies who value its people (and that can translate into many different ways) will be the ones that get things done.

One reason that I am doing so much at work may be due to the fact that I have worked at more place than anyone else at the current company. Since high school, I have worked at 22 jobs. All that experience means that instinctively, I know what works and what doesn't.

Today is a good day. It is the realization of what I can and cannot control at my job. I feel the cloud that has hung over me in the last few weeks lifting. Just in time for partying with friends this weekend!!

don't get me mad

I loved the cartoon angry kid b/c it's so twisted.
http://www.angrykid.com/main.html

There is also an appreciation for this character due to the metaphor. As much as I pride myself on being a nice person, I can get mad. Getting mad is okay b/c it's an indication that something is not right.

It's then my duty to focus and fix the problem. With people, it's all about removing myself from unpleasant situations. With work, it's all about figuring out how I can resolve the problems. Take today, the accounting department's computers were all down. It took me a while to track down our consultants and fix it, but it's fixed. Now we are having VM issues, and I am once again tracking down the vendor to come take care of it.

I was angry today because I did not sign up to be the IT person, but I inherited this duty when the prior non-IT-but-do-IT person quit. As much as I pride on being capable, this is not how I envision my career. I do miss being at a well-staffed company where the problems are solved by competent people.

So even though a lot of people say don't get mad, I encourage anger. It's what you do with the anger that is important. Anger should be the motivation to change and not lead to frustration. One must not give up at the sign of challenge but to always have faith that the solution is up to us.

in the name of environmentalism

One of the things that I like about urban planning in California is the political process. Although burdensome, the political process created in part by the California state law guards against abuse by any one party.

However, if a community group does insist on hijaking the process, development can be stopped, which can sometimes be a negative thing.

One of the property bordering my company's site was going to be turned into Home Depot in 1999. Unfortunately, with a very strong anti-development and anti-big-box movement, Home Depot pulled out. It was just too expensive to keep fighting the community. This was a factory that was closed down in 1989 and sat vacant and fenced up for 10 year.

Fast-forward 7 years, and the site is still vacant and fenced up. That 11 acres of abandoned site hurt the community's ability to revitalize itself.

Now, my company is in talks to take over the site because we are suing the neigbhoring company for contamination. The deal is not happening because the other side wants an impossible indemnity. It would be too expensive and too risky for us to let the other side off the hook completely. Back in 1999, Home Depot and this company were going to give each other mutual indeminity...

So, the only likely result is redevelopment, which would take another 15 years before something will happen.

This story would not have been as personal has it not for getting to know the community. Almost everyone I meet supports the Home Depot deal, and they never found out what reallky happened. There was one woman who spearheaded the fight against it, and she is also my company's biggest opponent in many other projects.

Without full understanding of economic development, this woman spent hours meeting with city officials and staff and wielding her influence with the various organizations around the area to fight development. I cannot help but feel sad for the community because this woman is not serving them. She is so idealistic that she drives away many opportunities that this poor community needs.

This story is a reminder that there is a dark side to the open political proces...

hustling

Last night, several friends met up at a bar in the Mission and walked toward my place after. Right after we walk down the street, one friend remembered that she has yet to close the tab. Two guy friends went with her. The rest of us waited near Mission and 16th.

A black man approached us and introduced himself. He shaked hands with one friend and asked for some change. It was sad that when he tried to shake the another person in the group, that person was paralyzed by fear. I didn't realize that some of the group was not used to this environment.

For me, I usually just politely but firmly refuse the request, because the act may encourage more of it.

The first friend handled the situation by giving the stranger a quarter. That person did walk away.

Still, I was a bit surprised by the reaction of the rest of the group. Yes, there were some very sheltered people in our mix.

It was unfortunate, because I never let fear stop me. I practice caution, but in a crowded street corner in San Francisco, most of the people who approach others are quite harmless. One should just have a policy and stick to it. I try to be polite and wish pan-handlers luck because I don't want to give them money or encourage them.

Cannot help but think that part of the reason why some neighborhoods don't improve is because people are not used to walking out and about and enjoy the city. Yes, pan-handling is part of the city experience, but so are learning about the problems first hand and have an appreciation if we don't have to deal with those problems on a personal level.

Everytime I see poverty, I am reminded that I must focus on trying to make the world a better place. Part of the reason that work has lost some of its appeal is because I don't know if my company is focused on making the world better. I am once again re-directed to try to do some good.

the accused

One of my girlfriends wanted to buy a dress for a wedding. I suggested Georgiou Outlet on Bryant. They've got stuff at 50-80% off retail and good designs. I even offer to meet her there b/c she seemed to appreciate the suggestion in the past.

After trying on quite a few choices, she I did find something with my help. We went our separate ways afterwards.

Just now, I got a phone call from her. She claimed that her MAC compact was missing from her purpose, and she suspected that I took it.

What?! Why would I want to take a used eyeshow compact from a friend?

Anyways, she claimed that her purse was open after I held it for her, and it was zipped before that. She also said that she doesn't know me that well. Okay, I have been giving this woman advice for the past year, sometimes weekly, and we don't know each other well?

I just told her that I did not take it and wished her luck. I cannot even get upset about the false accusation because it was not true. Also, my heart goes on to the person who jump to conclusion that a friend would do something bad to her.

Perhaps this is meant to be. If I am meant to lose a friend over something petty, then so be it. I hope she does figure out the truth soon because this will eat away at her like so many other things.

Is this what is meant of that saying "one's lot in life"? It's not so much what happens to us that seals our fate but how we react to everyday events...

walking

So I heard back from the Chairman. I don't understand how can a raise "be incorporate into the incentive program"...

I started to look at jobs today. The road to build more housing does not have to be a straight path.

Things that give me joy:

public library/books on reserve
farmers market
produce on sale
yoga
gym
newspaper
figuring out how to do/fix/clean stuff
cooking
thrift stores
unlocking the mysteries of cities

Of course, there are also the things to do w/other people, but these are the things I can count on, no matter what.

the easy things

Asked for a raise today. After busting my butt for 7 months. It's time to reassess my value to the company.

Funny, at the last job, not getting the raise I asked for made it that much easier to leave. In the current job, not getting the raise will just make it that much easier to strike out on my own.

I don't doubt my ability to contribute, but asking for the raise means that I look at myself differently than when I first started.

One thing why I love to work is because work comes naturally for me. In comparison to sports or relationships, I always know what to do on the job. In some ways, work is addictive because it's predictable. Even the way some colleagues take work too seriously is predictable.

Even though I see some challenges at the current job, I know the only way to push myself to the limit is to strike out on my own. More than ever, the one thing I cannot do right now is spend more time with my parents. Working for myself will only take up more energy, but I believe the right opportunity will make everything happen.

Just have to be patient. Tomorrow I'll have some answers. It'll be an interesting test of the board.

composure

Scary. Today, I lost my temper while talking to an ex-employee of my company who is working for the company next door. This person did not get along with his supervisor and was transfered to the other company owned by some of the same investors.

The person left his desk a mess, so I had asked through his colleague to clean it up. It never got done. Then, the Secretary of the Board asked him to do so. She is also the wife of the main investor of both companies.

He came to me today and said that he cannot clean up the desk because none of the items belonged to him. Fine, I said, then just help the person who is taking over the task sort through everything and clear out the cubicle. He kept acting dumb and insisted loudly that he cannot clean up the area.

Unfortunately, I got sucked into this childish behavior and raised my voice as well. It went on for ten minutes. I even said that if he was more organized, then we would not have to even clean up the area (cheap shot, I know).

Luckily, I had to leave for a meeting, so I caved in and said that another employee and I will take care of it.

The reason why this person is still around is because he is married to another one of my co-worker whose father is an influential political figure in a foreign country. In any other company, this person would have been shown the pink slip long ago.

I am ashamed of myself too, since I lowered myself to his level. After working both days this past weekend, I am not at my best. Well, this is all behind me now.

The saddest part of all is that I pity his wife. To be married to someone that doesn't garner other people's respect...

live dangerously

My life is too easy, so I try to live on the edge by packing it in.

I have been working nonstop for the past 9 days. The trick to make it exciting and not dreadful is to do something fun every singel day. Sunday was an impromptu meal at home for a friend. Monday night was a last-minute dinner at Beldon Lane and dessert at Sweet Inspirations. Tonight was hitting the gym after a 2.5 hour community meeting which I am an appointed committee member.

Tomorrow is cooking dinner for 4. I have yet to shop at all. To get the freshest seafood, I will head to the market at 7am, when it opens and shop quickly. It'll be close as I have a 830 meeting every Wednesday.

What can add to the stress is the cleaning of the whole place and making sure that I have that one or two surprise element in the meal. There is something about serving something that people don't usually eat that adds to the finishing touch. For a while I was insistent about serving fresh pineapple b/c so few people ever eat the fresh ones at home. The fresh seafood is part of it. I don't claim to be a great cook, but I try to bring out the flavor in fresh food.

Of course, this is all happening the week that I have deposition prep and four after-work functions. I am learning to say no by cutting back Thursday and missing two night meetings. It is important to push back because then people understand that I do have limitations. I am going to visit a friend who is a stay-at-home mom and her young daughter. Someone else is cooking for me for a change!

Oh, and I am cooking the third meal on Friday. The best part is that the bathroom and floor are going to be clean, since I always clean right before company arrives. One secret to a good first impression is to polish all shinny surfaces!

choices

Having worked both Saturday and Sunday, the weekend felt short. Still, I was able to do almost everything on my list, from dragon boat practice to dancing to cooking dinner for a friend. The only regret is not driving to the East Bay to visit my mother.

I don't hold any negativity towards work because it's just a learning experience. In some ways, I have carved out all the time I need for my personal life. It's about being so organized that I plan for fun along with the work committments.

Take this week, I was scheduled to give two more bus tours after work, but I am going to bow out of the one on Thursday to go visit a friend and her baby daughter. I am going to take some heat for missing a community meeting that same evening, but I have already talked to people to cover for me.

I am very lucky that I am junior enough to still make these choices, but isn't the point of career stability so we can dictate our schedule? In the end, it's about being clear of my priorities. I know where I am going, and I am getting there on my terms.

bet everything

Sometimes you have to put all your chips on the table to find out the other party's hand.

Today, I finally confronted the person I have been causally dating for months. I risked it all and found the truth. To put it bluntly, we concluded that I have yet to rank above his friends. That was not something I was prepared to hear but had to hear to finally move on.

I am taking my own advice. It's either the man or the timeline. You either follow the man until he is ready, or you have to find someone who is ready when you are. I am finally ready for a partner, and this person is just not it. So I am once again, moving on.

circles

Last night, I took off work early, since I'll be working both Sat and Sun.

Went to check out First Thursday, the art gallery openings until 730 in downtown SF the first Thursdays of every month. Met up with my friend and his friends. My friend went to RISD (Rhode Island School of Design), and some of the people and artists there were alums. We picked one of the buildings that had about 20 galleries and went down floor by floor.

Even though I frequent museums, this is a totally different scene, complete with its own dress code. The crowd consisted of art students, buyers and artists. Then there were people like me, who dressed so conservatively in comparison that I actually stood out. It was fascinating to people watch. I had never seen so many men (many hetero) who put so much effort into their looks!

And the shoes!!

It was such a creative experience. The night confirmed my belief that to be my best I must learn from the world and seek out new scenes and make them my own. I hope to go back to the gallery openings in the next few months and dress more appropriately next time!

advice

The odd thing about advice is that it's someone else's opinion about how I should run my life.

Why would I take advice from someone else besides myself when no one knows me as well?

This is why I rarely takes other's advice. I suggest that you do the same and figure it out for yourself. Yes, it takes more effort, but the outcome will be entirely your own.

freedom

Feelin' free b/c I don't have to be anything except myself.

To fully accept myself means to allow myself to go with my whim. So what if it's not what YOU would do? So what if my choices don't seem right (to you)?

I have never been happier, yet more and more, I am meeting people who are weighted down by their worries.

Go ahead, dance around. Just like how I love to tear up the dance floor, I am quite enjoying this craziness of moving through life without a care in the world!

diversity

Had a conversation with a girlfriend last night who is always hard on herself. We even have a phrase for how she is: Shouda, Coulda, Woulda. She sometimes looks back at her past and regrets over what could have been.

I, on the other hand, looks forward. To me, the past happened already. Move on. Yes, I struggle with the present like anyone else, but I know that things will get better soon enough.

One thing that has helped me to cope with disappointments and challenges is diversity. By being exposed to so many different lifestyles and personalities ever since I was a kid, I know that my life is meant to have it own unique course.

Take wealth. Many people long for the life of the rich but really doesn't know all the responsibilities that come with wealth. I was fortunately to have witnessed the lives of several financially successful people through relatives and family friends. One fact of life that I learned before I was even ten was that wealthy people are not necessarily happier than the poor or the middle class.

Even though I strive for financial security like most people, I approach money very differently. I am fine with buying things second-hand or not eat out all the time if it means that I can have more free time.

By being with people who have money and those who don't have quite as much, I can see for myself what is it that I truly value.

Take many attorneys that I know. Many of them were enticed by the money and the prestige of the industry. Little did they know that the road to partnership is filled with long hours and overwhelming amount of work. It's also a profession that gives its workers so much money that it is not easy to walk away from the lifestyles of cleaning people and posh residents.

In the end, it's about one's values. There is no right or wrong values, since most people base their values on learned lessons and personal experience. Diversity does remind me that I have a lot more choices and don't have to settle for the obvious values, like marriage or wealth.

help oneself

Sometimes life goes up, sometimes it comes down.

It's been a very tough two weeks for my mother. For some reason, her empty-nest syndrome is in full force even though all three of us have left home for more than a couple of years.

One thing that is unique in my mother's life is that people have always catered to her. From her parents, friends, spouse and children, she is used to having people give into her every whim.

Unfortunately, the one exception is me. Keeping a very busy schedule has meant that I don't always see her or do everything for her that she needs. I subscribe to the air mask theory of giving. The airlines are always telling us to put the face mask on ourselves before helping others. I am selfish in that I can only give as much as I am whole, so that means I don't do as much for my mother as other people in her life.

It's just personality. I take pride in doing everything for myself and rely on people very rarely. For my mother, she has gotten used to people serving her and is having a hard time with the fact that there is not one person she can rely on any more. Even my father, who allowed my mother to sleep in when we were growing up (doesn't everyone's father make breakfast while the mother slept in?), is terminally ill and not always able to cater to her.

This episode of watching my mother's frustration has taught me that one must be flexible enough to adapt to change. Even though I am surrounded by friends and things to do in the City, there will be one day when I am more alone. The key is to stay one step ahead of one's circumstances.

clarity

When I see things for what they truly are
rather than what I wish them to be
or what I assume them to be,
that's when I have all the answers.

It's been absolutely the best weekend.

No, not all of my problems are solved,
but then, I don't have real problems in my life,
only facts that are not excepted fully.

Perhaps this is the power of the subconscious.
When we ask a question into the air,
the answers often take a while to appear.

What is needed is complete silence.
And faith.

I've always had the latter b/c of my intuition.
Now I also have stillness and clarity.

What is the most surprising is that one man
gave me the key to unlock the power within.

de-stress

After driving in crazy traffic and not getting enough sleep the whole weekend, I was all too glad to get home last night after my weekend in Tahoe.

The first thing was preparing a meal for my out-of-town guests. Something about the process of buying fresh food, figuring out a menu and actually cooking a full meal calmed me down instantly.

The minute I sniffed fruit at Safeway and peered at the seafood display, I felt rejuvenated. Nothing quite like the washing, chopping, marinating, seasoning and sauteeing the meats and vegetables to make me myself again.

Yes, life is about all this and many other simple things that make me happy!

unexpected wisdom

Went to Tahoe for the weekend. A blast. Nothing like getting away and doing nothing except eat and walk around.

In one conversation with my friend, he pointed out that some of us are attracted to people not quite right for us because we are just not ready to settled down.

I've always been honest with myself and others that I am not ready to settle down. Still, it was in that moment I see how silly I have been trying to have relationships with men who couldn't be bothered.

Just like that, I am no longer going to force any relationship on anyone. At the same time, I am going to stay aways from people who expect too much from me. Or at least just be politely refuse their well intentions.

small victories

Yesterday, my GM asked me to review a new contract with our environmental consultants. My company is in litigation, and our attorneys have asked the environmental consultants for additional services.

After reviewing the contract, I e-mailed the GM on why the fee for litigation work is 50% more than their regular fee. The main environmental consultant was already the top-billing person from that company.

The GM then directly forwarded my e-mail to the VP at environmental consulting company...

This morning, I received an e-mail from the VP: they are knocking off the increase and billing us the regular rate. Yeah!

This incident follows a similar event two month ago. I urged the GM in June to challenge a summer associate's billing b/c summer associates tends to bill excessively due to the steep learning curve. After continually checking in with the GM, the GM finally pushed the partner for an answer. We were able to slash that associate's billing by half. Yet another victory for the company.

More than ever, I feel absorbed by work. It's not a bad thing, since I am still getting to do all the fun things in my life... Life feels lucky.

dark side

So I am trying to explain the last blog entry to a friend, and it occurred to me that this friend is just too nice to understand.

Having a dark side means making unpopular choices and taking big risks. It's rejecting the conventional choices and mocking the assumptions.

The dark side is also all about being overly sensitive and seeing the danger of not questioning everything.

I have worked hard to cultivate my lifestyle. I value the abrupt starts and stops in almost every area of my life. By changing careers and romantic partners, I can decide for myself what is right and what is next.

For all the people I have stepped on or cast aside, I do apologize. However, for those who have kept up the intellectual and emotional ping-pong, the best is still ahead. We may not always agree, but in showing you my dark side, we are the best of friends.

heart ache

By spending so much time of late with people who are supportive, it is now easy to identify people who just cannot accept me for who I am.

As much as these relatives and friends mean to me, I have to limit my time with them.

I blame myself for being overly sensitive, but there is no need to wonder about matters that cannot be helped.

In the past, I just let the pressures built up. Now, thanks to more time with people who can accept me unconditionally, I can let go of the ties that bind.

Some people are just not meant to be part of the journey forward.

turn off

Went to a b-day party last night. It was in the lounge area of a restaurant and was mellow. Got to really talk to people without having to shout too much, so that was nice.

Despite the laid-back atmosphere, one guy and one woman stood out in my mind b/c they were intense. Specifically, they were more close-minded.

The guy and I were talking about his new home in SOMA. I mentioned that DNA Lounge, right by his place, was a cool place. Immediately, he commented that the club was grungy, as if the place reaked. I tried to explain why I liked the place, but his overwhelming dislike for the place dominated the conversation.

Okay, see you later sir...

A few minutes later, I was talking to this woman. It turns out that we met at a pool party a month before. I made the connection b/c I rarely go down to the South Bay, so I knew I must have met her at one of the two times I was down there this year.

She didn't recognize me because my hair was different. I joked that my hair only look this good when I get out of the salon, where I was a few hours before the party. She immediately commented that I could make my hair look that way, but I was just lazy and unwilling to make my hair look good. It was so shocking to be accused of being lazy that I was defensive. Still, I managed to laugh it off and change the subject.

Then I remembered her once again, with this hostile attitude at the pool party...

Despite these incidents, the party was fun! I caught up with a few friends and met some new people. Still, the negative experiences stood out because I hope to always give people a positive experience. I believe one of the fundamental duties of being human is to bring joy to others' lives by accepting them unconditionally.

For those times when I judged you or made you uncomfortable. I apologize. I promise that I will continue to strive to be a delightful person, especially to all of you that I care so much about!!

i have a big head

Work is busier than ever, but for some reason, I am enjoying it.

Life is back to having fun and loving life.

It is as if the stress of the previous six months have disappeared.

There is a certain clarity, and I feel invincible right now.

This must be how fighters are in a ring, taunting the opponent. C'mon, show me what you've got!

time for everything

Monday 6pm - restaurants that take reservations - I tend to avoid SF restaurants Fri and Sat night - why deal with the crowd, the noise and the temp staff who has not tried everything on the menu?

Tuesday 8am - the best time to go to Safeway - most stocking clerks start their shifts around this time, so this is the best time to get produce at Safeway. the seafood department is open as well. perfect time to pick up fresh seafood for the home-made meals that night

Wednesday 730am - golf ranges - both Presidio and San Bruno are open at 7 but never has any crowd b/c people are commuting. it's possible to hit 70 balls and still get to work by 9! Presidio is closed Tuesday until noon

Wednesday 7pm - public library/book stores - reading at night is a luxury, and you can hit the main library until 8 Tues, Wed, Thurs or borders until 11 or midnight most nights. all these places have cafes in case you need something sweet to go with your book or magazine

Thursday 7pm - museums - most have late nights on Thursdays, and it's usually discounted

Thursday 8pm - Costco - b/c it closes at 830, and they stock everything for the weekend (Fri evening and Sat are the worst times to go)

Friday 630pm - climbing gym - ladies night are never as popular as they should be, so avoid the crowds and save $ ladies! first Fri of the month at the Touchstone gyms and first and third Fri at Planet Granite gyms

Friday 930pm - SOMA Trader Joe's - this location closes at 10, but not a lot of people take advantage (Sat and Sun are the worst times to go)

Saturday 7pm - gym - while everyone is waiting for a table or looking for parking, you can pump away and get a head start in your endorphin production before the night out on the town

Sunday 930am - Civic Center farmers' market - don't have the same cachet as Ferry's Building, but getting a week's grocery for $15 is worth it. restricted parking for the trucks unloading ends at 930, so you'll always find parking on Hyde

social pressure

As much as I love my friends, sometimes I have to remove myself from the social circles to avoid the pressures.

Life is not about obtaining the same identical goals. What makes most people happy may not be what I am looking for from men, career and self.

The reasons why I value people who are so different is that they are actually more open-minded to let me be me.

Looking forward to meeting many, many more different-minded people for the next few years as I continue to enjoy the single life.

joy

What gives me the most joy in life is perfect balance. Reaching that state of near perfection is why this is the best year yet.

There is not one thing or one person in my life that means everything, except my sense of self.

By adding my health, my work, my family, my friends and all the things that I do for fun, my life is complete.

At the same time, if any one thing goes wrong, I have all the other parts to remind me that sometimes life goes up and then it comes down. It is all part of the rhythm of life.

The best part is that getting older means lots of practice to achieve balance. I finally have the experience to appreciate my reality.

this is how

How do I meet so many people?

Being outgoing helps, but following through is the key. Whenever I meet a cool person, I try to spend some time one-on-one with that person to get to know them.

Last Saturday night, I met a girl who was very together. You know, the type that is kind of serious at first but funny once you get to know her. She asked if I would join a dragon boat team for a race in late September.

At first, I fully rejected the idea but offered to invite other women for her. As the week wore on, I realized that this is a chance to get to know her and her group of friends better. Besides, the time committment is minimal, 2 hours for 3 weekends and then the morning of the race.

As life settles into a routine, it takes more effort to do something different. Life does present plenty of opportunity at every turn. It's up to us to say why not.

finding the one, part 2

Just as my right brain contradicts with my left brain, my other theory on finding the right partner is all about the head and not the heart.

It has to do with our history.

More and more, I am convinced that respecting our identiy from our family history is key to happiness. Just as learning about our genetics can improve our health, understanding the family tree can lead to the one.

According to one of my favorite books, A General Theory of Love (Lewis, Amini and Lannon), we often end up with people who are similar to the parent that we don't get along with because we are trying to resolve some unfinished business. Of course, those relationships are never completely fulfilling just as we rarely come to terms with one or both parents.

Perhaps finding the one is all about checklists, but not for our partners, but for ourselves. If I know that my social life is very important to me, how will someone compliment that nonstop schedule. The conclusion: this is not the right time to have someone in my life!

In the end, Part 1 and 2 are the same. It is all about looking inward and knowing who we are at the core and how to surround ourselves with the people who allow us to grow. The trick is to assess those people with our intuititon and not our feelings or other people's opinions.

finding the one, part 1

Some people carry around their checklist or some loose preferences for the person they want to end up with. Fortunatley, these lists are constantly edited, so there are usually some accuracy in the lists.

I offer a simpler method for finding the one: be your own best company.

Spend an entire Sunday afternoon by yourself (phone calls allowed). Take up a simple activity that you have always enjoyed but wish for more of. Being outdoors? Reading? Surfing (web or on water!)? Shopping? The only two requirements are that 1. you must not have company and 2. you are actively engaged with yourself. You must be able to ask yourself at any given point what/when/where/how. It can even be work, excep this should be a peripheral project.

For instance, I went to a condo project site today to take some photos. Our overseas animation creators did not accurately depict the surrounding waterfront property. I had to decide what, when, where, and how to take the pictures. The pace was perfect, and I cannot complain about being on a state park on a Sunday afternoon.

At the end of the project, there is a certain satisfaction of accomplishment. More importantly, I achieved a state of ease. I am lucky to have often arrived at this point, and more so as I have gotten older. It is almost zen-like not because of my accomplishment, but because of how I led myself through a conscious yet almost-effortless process.

The same should be said about being with the one. Being with the right person is all about being comfortable and being at ease but with a sense of purpose.

It appears that many people confuse lust with this sense of well being. I myself made the mistake in the past in thinking that the right person is going to add excitement to my life. That is usually inevitable because of lust (how do you think the human species has endured?!).

One fallacy in using lust as a measurement of compatibility is that it does not last.

What does endure is compatibility through our mental engagement and some inexplicable ease that comes from the confidance of accomplishing something great.

Relationships are not easy, but it should not be frustrating. We should be with people who make us optimistic and joyful, especially if this person is to be our romantic partner, no matter for how long.

The reason that it is so hard for people to be in the right relationship with someone is because they have yet to relate to themselves completely. I have a long way to go despite my fortunate of being able to accept myself. Perhaps when I can completely let go of the attachment out of fear of not being loved, I will find my true love.

tone of voice

Last night, I was relaxing and watching TV when a friend called to go drinking. I answered b/c I thought about going out. Somehow, the tone of the invitation (demanding) and the shows I was watching (recording one and surfing 4 others) made it seem better to just stay home.

I knew I made the right decision when I had to sound negative and very tired about staying home. If this person was a true friend, he wouldn't have given me such a hard time for staying in.

Then, an hour later, another friend texted about having a drink. It was completely different tone. The person started the message apologizing in case he woke me up. Timing. The shows were over, and I was just about to head to bed.

It turned out to be a great night.

I cannot help but notice tone more and more in my everyday life. It makes me almost want to record myself to make sure I am always my most charming self. Regardless of what the message is, I should always speak with care and grace.

It still amazes me how much I am changing ever since last December...

have it your way

One of the most positive externality to dedicating more to work is the clarity it gives my personal life.

The realization that work will always be there (and thus I can only do my best but not stress over it) means that no decision in my personal life will be all that bad.

I just have to relax and enjoy the ride. Just like work is now play, my personal life is more fun than ever. It is all up to me, but I am willing to let kindred spirits lift mine.

This is, indeed, a wonderful Friday. Cheers.

be true to oneself

Envy is one emotion that I rarely experience, yet it is the one emotion that sells. By creating a desire for someone else's lifestyle, the market can open the consumers' wallet.

Advertisers try to influence consumer behavior by creating a desirable image. The group that seems the best target is the teens. What other group needs to belong so desparately and can use material goods to identify themselves.

That same desire to belong can also be seen in other areas for other demographic groups. Women hitting 30 often face social pressure to marry. Men have always been judged by their EP, earning potential.

After years of being told what to do by parents, peers, advertisers and the entertainment industry, is it any wonder that we even know who we are any more?

I tend not to want what other people have, since my creative outlet is being one of a kind in the way I dress. It does take more time and energy to buy things second-hand and to reject trends that are not me. It is also fun.

The same holds true for my lifestyle. By not identifying with one particular group, I have the freedom to be with whoever I want and whenever I want. Perhaps it is also a consequence of age. At this point, my value comes from just being myself all the time.

Of course, the number one rule to being true to oneself is to not have expectations (note that expectations are different from goals). Trying to get somewhere rather than to enjoy the journey is always a guarantee to disappointment.

plug

Making my heart race:
http://www.teslamotors.com

monday again

It's Monday, and I am back to this thing called work.

Lately, work has been going well. Hard to believe that I not only overcame the stress of work but also embraced it completely.

I have three major roles at work:
1. in-house counsel - manage our on-going lawsuit with a neighbor for environmental contamination. Damages seeked: $100M
2. PR - represent the company in our current three development projects: condos, TOD (transit-oriented development) and retail/commercial.
3. operations manager - improve our day-to-day operations, from HR, to IT, to file management. Basically, do all the things that the other managers and the GM don't have time to do.

On occasion, I answer the phones.

It's a perfect fit. The fact that I practiced law makes it easy to read the endless pleadings. My stunt at the LA Redevelopment Agency makes the PR second nature. I also worked part-time as a personal assistant to a busy attorney while in law/grad school, so I know exactly what it takes to get things done. I was even a part-times receptionist during college.

Everything happens for a reason, and the more I embrace every situation, the more I am able to be in the moment and realize my destiny. Not sure where this is all leading to, but it feels perfect right now.

partnership

Lately, when I hear of an engagement, the topics that follow are usually the details of the wedding planning: all the troubles that you have to go through just to say "I do."

I was married once but skipped all the formalities by having a private affair for 12, 14 counting the 2 cousins who crashed last-minute. The simplicity was due to time constraints, but I still feel lucky for not having to survive an expensive, exhausting ordeal.

These costly productions that run in the high five-digits are not what I believe in any more. Today, I joked to my girlfriends that I plan to find a partner and not a husband.

One of my mother's best friends had a life partner for the entire time I knew her. Their partnership was to be admired, overcoming stepchildren, lived-in in-laws and diverse cultures. They only married when his terminal illness required that legality. To me, that story shows how society is still out of step with the reality of how people connect.

As much as I look forward to finding someone I can be with indefinitely, I never try to examine a romantic interest as whether that person can be the one. Dating is all about having fun, and the pressure of that person have to play a certain role in another's life kills the mood.

Perhaps we should all strive for a great partnership and let marriage take place as it is necessary. This way, we can take lots of fabulous vacations with our partners and enjoy the honeymoon period before we have to think about ceremony sites or cutting the guestlist.

value

The chairman of my company is at the office for about one week each month. One of the brightest people, but also a workaholic. He has teenage kids, but he only sees them for one or two weeks at a time.

We had our usual check in this past Friday. He was telling me the story of how he worked for the richest man in Taiwan at one point, and that guy worked longer than the chairman himself.

It was a moment of disconnect. Even though I am finally enjoying what I am doing, I had an epiphany that I cannot stay with the company for more than two years. The chairman was trying to inspire me by telling me how much he values working.

Having been unemployed for two years is truly a blessing in disguise. I strive for the perfect balance of work, self and social worlds and know exactly what I have to do in each area. On the whole, I know I work harder on my spirituality than most people and need more than just one thing to be happy.

Although I love to work hard and is starting to see the rewards of my six months of hard work, I don't intend on giving up my life outside work. It is the fun and the knowledge in my personal life that give me the energy to work hard. It is the spirituality and the conneciton to others that give me the inspiration to do my best.

I have never been and will probably never be the richest or the most famous person, but for now, I am at my happiest.

recipes

Last weekend's outting with my visitors deserves a record.

Fri evening: happy hour at Hayes Valley. Got a ride to and from a friend, since it's hard to park around there. New tip: plenty of street parking on Gough farther north, around lower Pac Heights. Less density around Gough/Geary.

Fri night: decided to cook at home. Try not to eat out in SF on Fri and Sat nights. Between the high cost of labor and the eat-out culture, there is always a wait (even with reservations), and the service is dismal. I made dinner in 30 minutes, and it was relaxing. The secret is to have one or two ingredients that people don't usually have. Menu was unagi (the frozen kind that you just microwave), rice, and salad complete with fresh dressing (balsamic vinegar, olive oil AND honey).

Fri night: cab to and from club. No point driving and parking if the club is a mile away. Tip: always say hi to the promotor. If he recognizes you, your entire party of four (better if all women) might get comped.

Sat: Take the bus to Chinatown. A must b/c there is something going on in this town that always plugs up Embarcadero. Funny that we usually give ourselves plenty of time when taking public transportation but end up rushing if driving.

Walk to Northbeach for lunch - reservations a must when hitting tourist attractions. Walk off lunch by shopping at Chinatown. Head to Northbeach Jazz Festival - FREE! Take bus back down to Meteron. Go to top floor to check out best view of MOMA and downtown skyline (it's the sunniest view). Cross and go to St. Regis to lounge out at the public space. It's a shame that they hid the public space, so you have to take the elevator to get to. Rare to be in downtown and out on a "private" deck.

Proceed to bus home. Tip: at the end of the day, pick the bus line that is the most frequent rather than the closest one. Walking that extra 5 minutes is better than waiting that extra 20 minutes.

Sat night: More home cooking after a quick trip to Korean market. See rule above. We had miso soup with enoki mushrooms, steamed fish, chives with chicken, store-prepared clear noodles, and wine. Cost of dinner given that I already had the wine and chicken: $8 for 3 people. It's silly math: it is always cheaper for me to feed 3-4 people than to eat out for 1. Being generous always make sense.

Regardless of what we did, it was all about the company. Feel lucky b/c I always have good people in my life to inspire the fun.

and the winner is...

No, my company has yet to pick the winning environmental attorneys for our major project. It's the final round of interviews.

Today, we interviewed Team #1 which was led by the attorney I have a crush on. I happen to sit across from him again, and what a sight!

When he spoke, I cannot help but admire his complete honesty and passion about his work. It's so refreshing to meet someone who absolutely believes in his work and moves me with his pride and knowledge.

Of course, at the same time, I am noticing that he has these stubbles on the side of his face that is just inviting me to run my hands over the face. Deadly combination. Good thing I reminded myself that someone else has that honor now.

A friend asked me over the weekend what I am looking for in a guy. The list changes over time. One characteristic that has not changed is that I am attracted to people who I want to emulate. This attorney has the career that I never had. He is at the top of his game and relish in every moment. I want not only be my best but also possess that power to move others. To win at work is not to wait for superiors' approval or to get the desired result. The prize is the ability to always do the right thing b/c my gut tells me so. This week has been so fun at work because everything I am doing feels absolutely right. Getting the result is just the wink that I am on the right track.

luck

Given that gratitude is the only scientifically-proven link to happiness, let me take a moment to thank my lucky stars.

All my life, I have been able to find kindred spirit, and that has made all the difference in my optimism.

The commonality among all the positive influences is that these special people tend not to stay long in my life.

For instance, even though I am incredibly close to my parents and siblings, they are not always around. My parents split their time b/t the US and abroad. My sister is currently living in another state, and my brother is usually buried in his research or spending time with his financee.

Still, that sense of being loved never goes away even when I am alone.

Same with friends and lovers. They are only meant to be in my life for a few moments at a time. I know better now than to expect life-long connections.

This sense that I will always be on my own has been innate since I was 6. Now that I can fully understand it I can fully realize my destiny. I am not here to find the one or to belong to groups. I shall use my time alone to be my best.

work it

After six months, I am finally settled into work. It was the first time in six months that I am not physically stressed out about work. Instead, my life outside work is back to normal. I am having fun again.

I do think about work a lot, while I am working. Every issue is a problem that I am solving to gain experience for future challenges. Yes, it's also a means to an end, and I get paid enough to live in SF.

At the same time, I want to conserve energy and not sweat the small stuff. As much as I am dedicated to my career, I also know that my health and my spirituality come first. As long as I have my priorities straight, everything will work themselves out.

There is also the constant learning. Today, I was trying to schedule the final interview for environmental attorneys, and I made the mistake of scheduling the team for the wrong date. At first, I was very upset about doing something wrong, but then I had to laugh at the fact that I would make a terrible secretary.

One of the reasons that work is going better and better is because I have to do some grunt work, and I don't mind it. I have had about 25 jobs since college. In law school, I even worked as a part-time assistant for an attorney. All that work experience means that I never take it for granted. Anyone who complains about work needs to be unemployed for more than six months. Check that off my life experience list as well.

The biggest difference between today and six months ago is my expectations. I no longer dream of anything because I have that in my personal life. Work is about learning and growing and getting better at it every day.

boring

The Chinese word for boredom is sometimes used to admonish people who have so much time on their hands that they act perverse. For example, the victim of a practicle joke will yell to the prankster "are you bored?!"

More and more, I grow aware of such unslightly behavior, and the root is boredom. For instance, today, I had a random stalker for my walk to and from the grocery store two blocks away. I believe that the person is just some observer of the SF Marathon and maybe tagged along out of boredom. A fellow shopper who I walked past on the way to the store actually approached me in the vegetable section and warned me about the stalker and described his outfit to me.

On the way home, I spotted that person across the street. I decided to follow him and crossed the street to be behind him. He reacted surprised by almost stopping completely but then decided to walk down the street. I turned onto my street but suspected that he would turn around to follow. I then turned around in the middle of my block.

Sure enough, the guy had turned in as well and was walking toward me. Knew it. I then set down my groceries at the side of the street and pulled out my phone as if to call. I took my time to get his physical description. Hopefully, I never have to use that information!

The fortunate thing was that he appeared embarrassed, and he walked without looking back. I was able to get home safely.

This is not the first time that I had been followed, but this is the first time that I felt completely calm. I cannot control others but I can always manage situations.

The incident brought full circle to the question of how do people improve themselves. Besides constantly learning, there has to be enough constructive activity for a person that prevents the mind from straying.

Unfortunatley, much of the population, including myself, has tried to solve the boredom issue with solutions that only compound the problem. For example, I used to enjoy shopping, especially bargain shopping. It was entertainment but not a real solution to boredom. Now that I have cut out shopping as a leisure activity (and only buy based on need), my life has improved.

Next will be more activities that not only combat boredom but bring real meaning to my life and the lives of others. Stayed tuned...

don't compare

I try not to compare people but being subjected to unpleasant company makes me miss those good moments with great company.

signs of old age

Last night, went out with three girlfriends to dance. It was a younger crowd, so we danced in peace. Met up with another group of friends, but it was all crazy dancing.

Tonight, we hit another party, but it was an older crowd. I had the misfortune of running into four different guys that were friends of friends. Repeatedly the guys tried to come up to talk to me while our group was dancing.

Nothing ages a person faster than desperation. When we first left the party I felt frustrated by the unwelcome attention, then after some thought, I see how these men were just tired of being alone.

The worst thing for someone who feels lonely is to go to a club and feel trapped by his inhibition. Personally, I go clubbing to celebrate with my friends. Nothing projects joy more than freely dancing. If you are looking to meet someone at a party, then get their number and leave them alone! My agenda is to have fun and not to engage in a Q&A session.

Very grateful that I have the company of friends who danced with me all night long! Here's to kindred spirits.

crush

Our company is interviewing an attorney who is partner at a big firm.

Well, my initial impression when we invited him in for the first interview was so-so. Then, during that one hour, he impressed me enough to wonder if he was single. This guy is not only smart, he is a gentleman. Having practiced, let me tell you that it's rare to meet a nice litigator. His only flaw was that he also looked too young; our attorney was shocked that this guy has been praticing for 14 years.

There was a part of me that hoped we would reject him, so I can ask him out. He made the first cut.

Today, we brought him back for a small side project. At the start of our meeting, three of us were just chatting while waiting for our regular attorney. I suggested that our attorney was late because he was probably pulled over reading his Blackberry. He confessed that he too was addicted to his, but they have a house rule to not check it before 7.

My heart sank. That's "we" as in him and his SO.

It didn't help that the rest of the 2-hour meeting, this guy was brilliant. It's been a long while since I have been swept up by intellect, and the great brain is dosed with a great sense of humor and encased in a great-looking head and body...

His SO is a lucky woman/man (hey, you never know).

confidance

Last night, a girlfriend and I went to happy hour. It was an alumni event for a business school, but for some reason, it was quite empty. It was a good chance to observe the few attendees.

Later in the event, two women stoped by. Both beautiful and very well put together. My friend commented that they appeared to be trying to hard. How? It was hard to pinpoint, but I agreed.

They both had outfits that didn't look quite appropriate for work. Either they work in retail, or someone changed just for the occassion. Then, there was the makeup. I was sitting across the room, and both their eyes and lips were just a bit too vivid.

Still, who can fault these women for looking their best, but when everyone else is coming straight from work, they did stand out.

In the end, nothing flatters like confidance, and no outfit or assessory is as winning as a big smile.

what do you know

This past Tuesday night, I sat in the Friends of Brisbane Library monthly meeting. Given that my company is looking to build in this small town, part of my job is to get to know the community.

Just as I had suspected, many people don't fully engage in the civic news. Even though the people I met were very passionate about having a better library, most of them do not follow what is going on in their cities.

Which makes me realize more than ever that the democratic process only works if there is a very committed and active population.

Personally, I just try to read. It helps that part of my weekly task at work is to track local municipal activities. And I vote.

The other day, someone asked me on a blind date what I would do if I was independently wealthy. I would be an activist. Why not now?

externalities

Given all the gloabl-warming concerns, persuading people to save energy for the greater good does not seem so effective.

A better approach may be to show people the externalities that they stand to gain.

For instance, taking public transportation not only reduce gasoline consumption, it
1. is great exercise (b/c you usually have to walk a few blocks)
2. is a great time to read
3. is relaxing
4. helps with directions (this is my secret on how I know the city so well)

Next weekend, two girlfriens will be staying with me, and I hope to show them the SF Bay Area that very few people know, the one without a car...

the sure things

No matter what, I have so many outlets for these no-so-hot weeks. Whether it is friends, family, work, workouts, or even food, I can always find ways to make myself feel better.

The key is to continually maintain relationships and outlets like making deposits to savings accounts, so when it's time to draw for one's sanity, those resources are available.

I am working tomorrow morning, Saturday, so it's a low key night tonight. Still, I am finally snapped out of my alone mode and ready to have some fun.

This looks to be one great weekend already...

love to work

Finally hit that state where work is euphoric.

It's a high from doing so many things all at once and doing them all well. It's the ability to keep track of several projects and know just what to do next. It's giving my undivided attention in that meeting even though four more meetings are scheduled for the day.

I always imagined myself as a worker bee, busily buzzing away. Relax? Never. Although I do miss the jobs where the tasks can be easily checked off after an hour or two. Now, almost every project is ongoing, so I have to create mini-tasks to check things off the list.

Okay, back to work!

preparation

Went on a lunch blind date today.

At one point, I dropped some food on myself. Two weeks ago, the same thing happened during a lunch with a colleague, and my annoyance temporarily interrupted that lunch. Today, I remembered and just discreetly wiped the food off.

The date was all right, but the problem with being intuitive is that I usually figure out what the guy wants and can tell right away if I am not the right fit for that person. That's why I always end up falling for peope who are not ready to settle down yet because they don't have any fixed mental image to eliminate me.

Throughout the lunch, the person was trying hard to figure out my age. I do look young for my age, and so does he. Still, there is over 10 years of age difference. Another plus is that I have so many close friends and relatives much older and much younger than me that I can always sidestep those questions.

In the end, it's all about chemistry, but practice only helps...

watching

Nothing like observing one's own changes.

Found myself behaving in ways similar to the guy I just dated. Pleasantly surprised. I like it when people are significant enough to leave their marks.

At the same time, I have started to let those peripherial relationships evolve without much effort on my part. Quite liberating although at the confusion of my so-called friends.

Life is good though. Despite a very hectic weekend, I feel more at peace then ever.

secret to happiness

Despite the ups and downs in my professional and dating life, I am having a very happy week.

After a depressing week/weekend, where I almost got sick from the stress, I finally snapped out of it. More than any medication, my firm belief in myself got me out of the dark hole.

Ironically, because I have achieved optimal physical health, it is inevitable that I am confronting my spirituality now.

Unlike many of my friends who are pursuing concrete goals like money, life partner or career, I have had all that already. For me, the secret to happiness is spiritual connection to my inner self.

I am happy when I can move through life effortlessly. When I know what choices to make because I am aware and connected to the world at large. Hesitation and worries are inefficient use of my time, and I avoid those moments by always being connected to my inner self.

Cultivating the self takes a lot of time on one's own, but it also requires a genuine interest in the world around us. By caring about others, we develop our intuition and can let our sense guide us to the inevitable outcome.

An example is how to squeeze more time out of the week. This week, I worked M-Th nights. Knowing that I have lots of meetings, I lunched and took breaks with friends. I even caught up with a friend from Japan for an hour yesterday during a 13-hour work day; we took a walk at the marina nearby.

It is by always knowing what I need can I fuel myself physically and spiritually and then in turn live my best life. That is happiness.

what's in a package

When it comes to health, it's good to have a few rules of thumb and stick to it. My favorite one right now is to try to not buy or eat anything that comes in a package.

Think about it, most things that come in a package need chemicals to keep it fresh or edible. Thus, my number one enemy: corn syrup. Some of you may know that corn syrup, especially the partially hydrogenated kind, has been linked to type II diabetes. I just don't like the taste. Sodas and most packaged baked goods have them. Check those labels, even most bread has corn syrup. I only found this out b/c I recently bought bread for a road trip and had to put so many loaves back.

Also, there is the money one saves by buying natural food. Buying packaged food is essentially letting someone else take another cut in the money chain. Very few desserts will be cheaper and healthier than the ones that one bakes by oneself.

Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, otherwise, life will be too boring. My exceptions to the rule? OJ, soymilk, miso and CHOCOLATE! (There are many more, but that's between me and my grocery store clerk.)

check, check, check

Cannot waste a second to worry or stress. The past few weeks were tough b/c I was letting the stress build up.

The key is to be very organized and to plan in the fun stuff. I am giving myself a golf lesson, a couple of lunches with friends this week. Determined to have it all.

Today, I got all my work done, and I am taking a 2 hour break before heading to a PR event at 8.

Okay, so in this have-it-all world, there is no man and no kids. Still, I have my "baby" in my garage and plenty of people to share food.

A very happy day, and it's only Monday!

work-life balance

In the end, it is outlook. I got so burnt out from work that I ended up just sleeping most of the weekend. Did catch the World Cup Finals with my dad. No matter what, I always have my family.

Decided to focus on work and the friends in my life rather than how I am feeling. As long as I can keep up the health routine, I should be able to handle anything. Been spending countless hours on frivilous emotions that have no resolutions.

It's time to be me again.

I'm lucky

Despite a holiday in the middle of the week, it felt like a very long week.

Fortunatley, a friend joined me to climb for a couple of hours tonight. Plus, I ran into my neighbors who were walking with their kid, and they fed me some yummy stew for dinner!

Now that I have released all the stress of the week, I feel amazing. Still, I have been complaining to everyone in my life. So grateful for all the acts of kindness. Hopefully I can remain in this zen state and continue to be a good friend and neighbor.

rise above

I had my performance review at work today. It didn't go too well. I spent half the time explaining unsuccessfully to my general manager why I struggle with working in this company. Fortunately, I was able to steer the review and got it done. I am glad that I contained my emotions and moved forward.

It's all about being a better person. Take for instance, we interviewed an environmental attorney this morning. He was such an eloquent speaker and intelligent thinker that the rest of the group was able to follow along in a very meaningful discussion. So delightful to be in his presence!

That has always been one of my goals. To be the one who brings up the level of interaction and bring out the best in other people. Sure, it's a lot of work, but over time, it's becoming easier. I am excited about work now because I am finally more passionate about it. This is the balance I am looking for. I already feel completely satisfied by my personal life. Now, my career will have the same return.

playing with fire

The best part about dating someone truly wonderful was that it built up my defense against guys who can never be more than friends.

Lately, when I talk to guys, I can see right through to their motives. It's easy to spot the users because I spent so many months with the most sincere person I know. After being with a good guy, it's hard to hang with the users. Perhaps I have learned on my own too.

Still, it's nice to have that one person who everyone else has to measure up against. I mean, had.

glad to be single still

Yesterday, a friend confided that he is tired of being single and is ready for someone in his life.

I, too, am ready for someone in my life, but my motivation is completely different. My friend said that he is tired of having to figure out what to do every weekend. I don't think planning for the weekend goes away once a person has a partner.

Having been in great relationships, I do look forward to the next one because relationships always change me dramatically. I crave the process of growing with someone into a new person.

At the same time, I like who I have evolved into as a result of staying single for the last 3 years. I have seeked out many single people and women in relationships in order to have activity buddies. I couldn't have these amazing friendships had it not for being single.

Trade offs.

The one thing that I don't have is the social pressure of having someone. I truly believe that as individuals, partners can never replace our own company. Until a person can accept the possibility of being alone forever, he or she will never be truly satisfied in a relationship. Until we look to ourselves completely for answers, we cannot be the best partner for our significant other.

electric moment

While in Vegas this past weekend, I was "electrocuted" by a man. My friend and I were walking around Wynn when I caught the eyes of someone laughing with his friends. He looked so happy. All I could do was smile back, and HE smiled back. And my heart skipped a beat in that moment. Too bad we were on our way to the airport. Still, it's moments like those that I know I will never settle.

good or bad

Sometimes something happens and appears to be a great thing, but upon closer examination, a different set of reasonings can alter the character of an event.

Take for instance, my short weekend trip to Vegas. Had so much fun (some things will have to stay there!) that I completely erased the stress of work.

From the last post, I was getting burnt out. This vacation was just what I needed right? Well, not if the vacation erased the stress that can remind me why I am job hunting...

In the end, there is no good or bad, there is only what my gut tells me. One of the best things about vacations is that I always read more than usual, since I travel by myself quite a bit. For this short trip, I was at the airports for a total of 7 hours. So satisfying to be able to read an entire Sunday LA Times from front page to the calendar section! Not to mention reading half way through a think book.

All the reading does still my mind (not quite able to start meditating yet). In the stillness, I realized that I have been focusing too much on petty things. It's a shame that I have not done much to better myself of late.

The first step to make the world better is to keep learning and keep getting better.

now I know...

...how it feels to work 14-hour days, and the next two days promise to be intense as the company follows up on the next political battle... yawn...time to rest...

inspiration

Had lunch today with the President of the Housing Leadership Council of San Mateo County. Some friends of ours suggested the meeting because Mark and I are both interested in affordable housing. Mark plan to help put in 25,000 units of housing in San Mateo County, which would be ten percent of the existing stock.

During our last meeting in LA, I confided in Mark that I wasn't sure about my current job. Today, we revisited what's next. He asked me to think about my ideal job, disregarding all constraints.

Hum.

Given that I believe in fate, I never gave the future much thought. In some ways, my 2-page resume reflects the inability to settle down on a path. At the same time, I need that wide range of experiences to know that there is a better fit. For example, my office does not have a receptionist now. The board doesn't think we need one after the last one left. It's about efficiency. So many of us scramble for the phone now that it's inefficient.

Well, I have an interview tomorrow with the Mayor's Office of Housing. We'll see.

not ready

Came out of a city council meeting last night at 1030. My first thought was thank goodness that I don't have anyone to go home to. It's like the summer of 98, when I was in law school and clerked with the LA Redevelopment Agency. I attended numerous Political Action Committees (PACs) at night and on weekends.

It was fun when I was 20 because I was learning so much. I am still learning, but now there are competiting interests ten years later. I have dinner guests tonight and Thursday night. A bachelorette party in Vegas over the weekend. Want to squeeze 2 visits to the gym this week and practice my golf at the range before my trip.

Feel glad that I am moving on from the latest guy. There was a bit of disappointment because he was so wonderful, but he and I both know that we are both not ready to connect with anyone deeply. Given that we both feel the same, let's see if a friendship can develop. I don't usually stay friends with dates, but it happens.

the p-word

I like to think I enlighten people with my wealth of knowledge. Unfortunately, my passion to share information touched several nerves this weekend.

At a bridal shower, I supported the concept of a pre-nuptial agreement. I have never gotten so many dirty looks! Most people there didn't support it.

The reality is that with 50% of the marriage ending in divorce, prenup is the necessary insurance. How many of us get home insurance when very few things ever happen in a given year?

Still, I am glad I spoke up. What was the most surprising was how little people knew about the subject. I was in a room full of married women and women wanting to get married. Please! It is sad how much ignorance exists in the relm of dating and marriage.

birthday present

I had one of my best birthdays ever. Yes, it involved a man... The best day trip ever.

The romance is over for me. After 14 hours, I can tell that the magic is not meant to be. It's not official, but somehow, there is enough said and not said for me to get the message loud and clear.

Everyone else knew this from the beginning that he is not the right one for me. Still, to have a man make me so happy that I can deflect all negative words and events of late, it was indeed magical.

I date not just to find my soulmate. I venture into the emotional unknown to grow and to have those special experiences. This last round was so perfect in its own way. I did fall in love and out of it without getting hurt. I am forever transformed.

Let's hope this next year is just as lucky.

oh no...

I went out with this guy briefly who used to say "Oh no!" whenever something goes wrong. It was endearing in the beginning because his "Oh no!" had genuine fear and worry in the tone. Then it got to be annonying. Yes, I know we are late for the movie, but do you have to make it so stressful?

Still, when I am having a bad moment now, I just say to myself that I am having a "Oh no!" moment. Which is today.

I always know when someone is not the right person any more. It can be sad b/c sometimes the other person never see it coming.

We had so much potential. We are about to spend 12 hours on a road trip tomorrow. Oh well, I am going as a platonic friend. It's fine. I don't think he can tell the difference.

I was so sad last night (sadness preceeds "Oh no!" moments). Sometimes I wish I was not intuitive and don't have to go through guys like tissues. Well, this is who I am, and I am better for it. I always know when it was time to move on.

trade offs

The best thing about dating is that casual stage where you are just happy to see the other person. Little expectation is a great thing. The tough thing about dating is how to keep it at that casual stage indefinitely.

In a culture that is always rushing to the end result and plenty of people wanting to walk down the isle, it's hard to find that person who is fine with just dating.

Now that I finally found someone who is just right, I am rushing ahead of myself. It's so silly to want to change things when the best part is to enjoy the moment. I love how I am changing as a result of dating this person. It's bliss, but I was on the verge of ruining it. Luckily, in talking to girlfriends (including my mom) who can see that I am happier, it's silly to want to change.

Change is inevitable. Fate is inevitable. I will just let it all happen naturally.

just like that!

I finally got over my issues with work. Almost overnight, I came to terms with work. It started with an e-mail from M, a very driven girlfriend. She reminded me to tune out the politics and just learn from the experience.

Then, the light bulb went off. I had been sucked in to the petty politics at work. Everyone there has their own agenda, but I don't have to agree or disagree. I am there to learn! Perfect timing, because I was just recruited for a new PR project. My assignment: to interface with the Asian community around our project and drum up support. No kidding, the PR consultant suggested that I hang out at bus stops. Of course, this is the Asian community - heading to the Chinese restaurants and the library first!

Worked until 830 tonight, and I have lots of Saturdays and late nights ahead. Excited because I know that this is also why I have been single all this time. I am finally ready to give my career all I've got!

HTGTG

Been following the show - How To Get the Guy. It's a good show in that it confirms so many of my own beliefs, including that you don't have to do too much to find a significant other. When you are ready, whoever that is ready too will be the one. It's all fate!

The show is very entertaining in that it showcases SF beautifully. Even though I enjoy being single, I do miss sharing a great city with that special someone.

Good thing for single friends. Last Sunday, went Rollerblading along the Embarcadero with a couple of guy friends. After, two more friends joined us for bunch. It was lovely. My first time. The skating was so much better along the waterfront than at the Park! Who knew? The key is numbers. I must have invited 15 people, and 5 is a great turnout! Next up, more brunch. Are you in?

don't have to live by rules

The best thing about dating in my 30s is that I have zero pressure. I am not looking for romance, financial support, or even marriage. Been through all of those things, and if they happen again, great. If not, I'll probably be even better because that means I will be persuing something of great value too.

More than ever, my gut directs my actions. Being completely in touch with my instincts means there are no mistakes. I do what I belive to be right and follow my sixth sense.

This weekend, I managed to go to the East Bay and back to SF twice. Once via BART and once driving. I played 2 sports, saw my family twice, went to a picnic, washed the car, cooked dinner for a friend, saw a movie and read a book. It was a blast. Still, someone asked how I got all that energy. I realized that is the very reason to trust one's instinct.

By not following the rules or worrying about how my life is following the "right" path, I am able to move easily between all my committments and all my priorities.

The same cannot be said for work. I am wasting so much energy at work because I am using my logic rather than my gut to move forward in work. It's time to set aside the rules in working and get back to that ease I had at the last job. From the minute I submitted my resume to the day I gave notice, I moved in warped speed by paying attention to the signals from the people and the environment. It was not entirely luck that my last day was when a significant group gave notice to leave the company too. By staying in touch with many ex-co-workers, I know that my departure was at the right time.

Being in the present is something I am good at, but I let the pretension and the culture of my current work encourage me to look behind all too often. It's time to be myself and not let others tell me who I am.

beyond my control

Today, a co-worker yelled so loudly at another co-worker that two managers on the other side of the office (about 30 feet away) came over to calm him down.

If I work in a regular office, that person would be sent immediately to anger-management class or perhaps fired. Of course, I work in an office where many staff members, including myself, came through the back door. Thus, nothing more than some scolding by everyone, and the guy is off the hook.

Ironically, even though I joined the company to make a difference (and I am proud of my work thus far), I just make matters worse by enforcing the culture of favoritism.

I finally realized that my biggest critics are the people above me. There is some resentment that it took me no time to get here while many toiled for years. Guess being able to hide my scars behind my optimism makes others see me as a princess.

time to chill

My workout buddy came to the gym very late this morning. She got caught behind an accident on the way to the gym. She came into the weights area to tell me that she was heading striaght to the shower.

Not knowing if there was anything I could do, I offered to buy her some bagels from the shop upstairs. It's her favorite, so I know that would cheer her up. By the time she got ready, she was diffused. We still got our girls talk in. Even though I was a few minutes late to work, I knew it was the right call.

This morning was another reminder that when things don't go your way, it's time to stop and chill and get back to your center.

encouragement

After the regular weekly team meeting today, our PR consultant stayed after to speak with me privately. He and I reviewed our upcoming projects. Then, the consultant reminded me that I have the leadership skills to make our projects happen. I offered to volunteer my time with a prominent local group, but the consultant wanted more. He suggested that I try to change the internal culture and assert more control within the company.

As much as I believe in realizing my potential, I just don't want to step on my supervisor and general manager's toes (not to mention a very stubborn board).

The biggest news from today's conversation is finding out that the reason I have been assigned several petty assignment (write the corporate instructional manual?!) is because the Chairman of the Board doubt my ability. The consultant hinted that he had approached the Chairman to put me in more public positions, but the Chairman fears my lack of experience will harm the company.

It's bad enough that I am often the only woman in a room, and now my age and professional experience are being questioned.

I have sent out a couple of job applications, and I am more motivated than ever to move on. This job is like a bad relationship. I don't want to blame anyone or myself. It's just not meant to be. It was nice to hear the positive feedback from the consultant, but not hearing those encouragements from this office is a sign that I need to move on.

dependency

E-mailed a friend to suggest carpooling to a third friend's bridal shower. She replied yes and proceeded to asked about a group dinner with another friend who moved into town. I had offered the dinner months ago, but she was studying for a Series 7 exam and canceled.

It's the same thing everytime. I organize get-togethers, usually cook the food or have it at a restaurant. All I ask is a couple of hours of someone's time.

Now that the friend is done with her exam, she turns around and asked about the dinner. I know that she is expecting that I organize another get-together for the three of us. Perhaps cook for her. In her e-mail, there wasn't any suggestion of where or when, it was just an expectation of the same offer.

It's my own fault. By always being accommodating, people rely on me. Well, that was then. My priorities have changed, and now if you want to do something, plan it. MAYBE I'll show up. I'll give you plenty of notice (not the week of) if something more important comes up though.

petty

One great thing about believing in fate is that I can accept most unexpected events. Tonight, my flight was delayed, and of course, this is the only time in the last 5 years that I asked for a ride. The person ended up having to go to a different airport and being late for visiting a relative.

On the other hand, I also wonder if mishaps are fate's way of reminding me to change course. It's hard to know what to believe when there are so many signs that my heart is wrong.

Good thing that I am always reading nonfiction that puts everything into perspective. Am getting back to reading different subjects to answer my own questions, from health to cultures to cities. Reading things I didn't know before is a constant reminder that all the people giving me advice don't necessiarly know better.

Perhaps the most comforting effect of fate is that it erases all doubts and frustrations. I know that everything is meant to be, and that knowledge sets me free to keep taking risks and follow my intuition.

freedom

Went to a small designer shopping event. It's like those electronic shows they have at convention centers except this one is for clothing and assessories. Not wanting to deal with traffic and parking, I took the bus. A great idea! The event was fun, and I had almost door-to-door chauffeur service.

Taking the bus gives me so much freedom. I can read, rest, learn the streets in order (THIS is how I know SF so well), and mostly, practice my gratitude for life. According to scientific research, the only proven indicator of happiness is gratitude (not health, wealth, or even family).

Riding the bus is also a very natural way to interact with the rest of the city. Besides tourists, the rides are always telling of what the city is about. Tonight, there were a lot of the working crowd and young people just out of school and the party crowd b/c it's Thursday. For someone like me who lives a very sheltered life, public transportation reminds me that I am just lucky. Many people don't have a car not because they don't work hard or are not frugal.

It does bother me that many people who have achieved financial freedom criticism others for laziness or poverty. Success is learned, but fate alters whether we interact with those opportunities to learn about what it takes.

I don't even have what it takes, but I happen to be very lucky in meeting people who inspires me, starting with my parents. Well, more on that another time. Have to get up early to build a Habitat for Humanities house tomorrow!

the constants

Last night, a late night workout at the gym got me thinking: what are my constants?

Constants are the things that one can count on and with little uncertainty.

For me, the constants are many: family, friends (the friends can change, but the ability to connect with them is the sure thing), workouts, driving my car, libraries, cooking good food, finding good deals, and the list goes on.

The two things missing from my list of constants are work and relationship. I lost that complete confidence in my job when I started this new job. Finding another job is a way to try to make my job a constant again.

Same thing with dating. Having had few periods where a man is a constant in my life, I know it's more fate than actual effort. Still, dating someone who is not quite ready for a relationship, I have to wonder where I stand on the committment scale. Oh yeah, one thing that is not and will never be a constant - feeling desparate!

setbacks

So I set up my wireless network (after talking to my personal tech support - my brother).

It proceeded to work for all of 10 minutes. Am back to the plugged version of DSL.

No time to figure this out today. Too worned out from work. Glad I am sending out those resumes.

Am taking a poll on this whole dating multiple people concept. Know lots of people who did/are doing this. What is the proper protocol? Is it allowed until the exclusivity conversation is brought up? Do I have to say anything to the first guy, or is it part of what dating is?

We shall find out...

yet another inspiration

Yesterday, I went to a open house at The Lansing in Rincon Hill. What an impressive building. After living at The Met, the building across the street, and finding fault with that design, I thought high rises were all the same - great if you can afford the view, but too small and pricing for entertaining.

The tour gave me new hope that Rincon Hill will be the area that put San Francisco on the world map. Besides having bedrock (less prone to earthquake damages) and the views, the world-class architecture may transform the City.

Read up on the developer, Lambert Development. The company also built The Brannan, a beautiful complex in South Beach. The research gave me new focus. If a developer can bring the design necessary to curb all criticism, then I too can change the world. Maybe a grand complex is not in my stars, but seeing The Lansing made me want to do great things.

Now, if they can just revamp the isolated neighborhood (and the main reason I moved out of the area)...

pity

Saturday night was the usual dancing with friends. We always have the best times b/c we don't much care being silly at the clubs (hurray for getting older!).

Someone else also didn't care what other people think. We noticed this cute young guy near us at one point. Perhaps the intensity was what drew our group's attention. Apparently, he was waiting for his gf. We realized this because he was yelling so loudly at her later on. Despite ear plugs and loud music, I could still hear him shouting at her with so much anger.

It was an unpleasant sight. I could only see her back and his face, but it was painful to witness the event. Perhaps he was so angry that he didn't mind making a scene.

What was even more scary was how long this went on. We must have danced an entire song. Maybe 5 minutes, but it felt like the whole night.

At one point, I really thought about going up to the woman and telling her that no one should take this kind of abuse from a man. That's what it was; I witnessed verbal abuse and felt the pain. Thinking now, her silence suggested that this has happened before.

From the crowd and his face, I could tell that they were younger. In that instant, I decided to just be a silent observer. Still, this memory will stay with me for a while. It was a day that made me very, very glad that no man has and will ever treat me like that...