finding the one, part 1

Some people carry around their checklist or some loose preferences for the person they want to end up with. Fortunatley, these lists are constantly edited, so there are usually some accuracy in the lists.

I offer a simpler method for finding the one: be your own best company.

Spend an entire Sunday afternoon by yourself (phone calls allowed). Take up a simple activity that you have always enjoyed but wish for more of. Being outdoors? Reading? Surfing (web or on water!)? Shopping? The only two requirements are that 1. you must not have company and 2. you are actively engaged with yourself. You must be able to ask yourself at any given point what/when/where/how. It can even be work, excep this should be a peripheral project.

For instance, I went to a condo project site today to take some photos. Our overseas animation creators did not accurately depict the surrounding waterfront property. I had to decide what, when, where, and how to take the pictures. The pace was perfect, and I cannot complain about being on a state park on a Sunday afternoon.

At the end of the project, there is a certain satisfaction of accomplishment. More importantly, I achieved a state of ease. I am lucky to have often arrived at this point, and more so as I have gotten older. It is almost zen-like not because of my accomplishment, but because of how I led myself through a conscious yet almost-effortless process.

The same should be said about being with the one. Being with the right person is all about being comfortable and being at ease but with a sense of purpose.

It appears that many people confuse lust with this sense of well being. I myself made the mistake in the past in thinking that the right person is going to add excitement to my life. That is usually inevitable because of lust (how do you think the human species has endured?!).

One fallacy in using lust as a measurement of compatibility is that it does not last.

What does endure is compatibility through our mental engagement and some inexplicable ease that comes from the confidance of accomplishing something great.

Relationships are not easy, but it should not be frustrating. We should be with people who make us optimistic and joyful, especially if this person is to be our romantic partner, no matter for how long.

The reason that it is so hard for people to be in the right relationship with someone is because they have yet to relate to themselves completely. I have a long way to go despite my fortunate of being able to accept myself. Perhaps when I can completely let go of the attachment out of fear of not being loved, I will find my true love.

tone of voice

Last night, I was relaxing and watching TV when a friend called to go drinking. I answered b/c I thought about going out. Somehow, the tone of the invitation (demanding) and the shows I was watching (recording one and surfing 4 others) made it seem better to just stay home.

I knew I made the right decision when I had to sound negative and very tired about staying home. If this person was a true friend, he wouldn't have given me such a hard time for staying in.

Then, an hour later, another friend texted about having a drink. It was completely different tone. The person started the message apologizing in case he woke me up. Timing. The shows were over, and I was just about to head to bed.

It turned out to be a great night.

I cannot help but notice tone more and more in my everyday life. It makes me almost want to record myself to make sure I am always my most charming self. Regardless of what the message is, I should always speak with care and grace.

It still amazes me how much I am changing ever since last December...

have it your way

One of the most positive externality to dedicating more to work is the clarity it gives my personal life.

The realization that work will always be there (and thus I can only do my best but not stress over it) means that no decision in my personal life will be all that bad.

I just have to relax and enjoy the ride. Just like work is now play, my personal life is more fun than ever. It is all up to me, but I am willing to let kindred spirits lift mine.

This is, indeed, a wonderful Friday. Cheers.

be true to oneself

Envy is one emotion that I rarely experience, yet it is the one emotion that sells. By creating a desire for someone else's lifestyle, the market can open the consumers' wallet.

Advertisers try to influence consumer behavior by creating a desirable image. The group that seems the best target is the teens. What other group needs to belong so desparately and can use material goods to identify themselves.

That same desire to belong can also be seen in other areas for other demographic groups. Women hitting 30 often face social pressure to marry. Men have always been judged by their EP, earning potential.

After years of being told what to do by parents, peers, advertisers and the entertainment industry, is it any wonder that we even know who we are any more?

I tend not to want what other people have, since my creative outlet is being one of a kind in the way I dress. It does take more time and energy to buy things second-hand and to reject trends that are not me. It is also fun.

The same holds true for my lifestyle. By not identifying with one particular group, I have the freedom to be with whoever I want and whenever I want. Perhaps it is also a consequence of age. At this point, my value comes from just being myself all the time.

Of course, the number one rule to being true to oneself is to not have expectations (note that expectations are different from goals). Trying to get somewhere rather than to enjoy the journey is always a guarantee to disappointment.

plug

Making my heart race:
http://www.teslamotors.com

monday again

It's Monday, and I am back to this thing called work.

Lately, work has been going well. Hard to believe that I not only overcame the stress of work but also embraced it completely.

I have three major roles at work:
1. in-house counsel - manage our on-going lawsuit with a neighbor for environmental contamination. Damages seeked: $100M
2. PR - represent the company in our current three development projects: condos, TOD (transit-oriented development) and retail/commercial.
3. operations manager - improve our day-to-day operations, from HR, to IT, to file management. Basically, do all the things that the other managers and the GM don't have time to do.

On occasion, I answer the phones.

It's a perfect fit. The fact that I practiced law makes it easy to read the endless pleadings. My stunt at the LA Redevelopment Agency makes the PR second nature. I also worked part-time as a personal assistant to a busy attorney while in law/grad school, so I know exactly what it takes to get things done. I was even a part-times receptionist during college.

Everything happens for a reason, and the more I embrace every situation, the more I am able to be in the moment and realize my destiny. Not sure where this is all leading to, but it feels perfect right now.

partnership

Lately, when I hear of an engagement, the topics that follow are usually the details of the wedding planning: all the troubles that you have to go through just to say "I do."

I was married once but skipped all the formalities by having a private affair for 12, 14 counting the 2 cousins who crashed last-minute. The simplicity was due to time constraints, but I still feel lucky for not having to survive an expensive, exhausting ordeal.

These costly productions that run in the high five-digits are not what I believe in any more. Today, I joked to my girlfriends that I plan to find a partner and not a husband.

One of my mother's best friends had a life partner for the entire time I knew her. Their partnership was to be admired, overcoming stepchildren, lived-in in-laws and diverse cultures. They only married when his terminal illness required that legality. To me, that story shows how society is still out of step with the reality of how people connect.

As much as I look forward to finding someone I can be with indefinitely, I never try to examine a romantic interest as whether that person can be the one. Dating is all about having fun, and the pressure of that person have to play a certain role in another's life kills the mood.

Perhaps we should all strive for a great partnership and let marriage take place as it is necessary. This way, we can take lots of fabulous vacations with our partners and enjoy the honeymoon period before we have to think about ceremony sites or cutting the guestlist.

value

The chairman of my company is at the office for about one week each month. One of the brightest people, but also a workaholic. He has teenage kids, but he only sees them for one or two weeks at a time.

We had our usual check in this past Friday. He was telling me the story of how he worked for the richest man in Taiwan at one point, and that guy worked longer than the chairman himself.

It was a moment of disconnect. Even though I am finally enjoying what I am doing, I had an epiphany that I cannot stay with the company for more than two years. The chairman was trying to inspire me by telling me how much he values working.

Having been unemployed for two years is truly a blessing in disguise. I strive for the perfect balance of work, self and social worlds and know exactly what I have to do in each area. On the whole, I know I work harder on my spirituality than most people and need more than just one thing to be happy.

Although I love to work hard and is starting to see the rewards of my six months of hard work, I don't intend on giving up my life outside work. It is the fun and the knowledge in my personal life that give me the energy to work hard. It is the spirituality and the conneciton to others that give me the inspiration to do my best.

I have never been and will probably never be the richest or the most famous person, but for now, I am at my happiest.

recipes

Last weekend's outting with my visitors deserves a record.

Fri evening: happy hour at Hayes Valley. Got a ride to and from a friend, since it's hard to park around there. New tip: plenty of street parking on Gough farther north, around lower Pac Heights. Less density around Gough/Geary.

Fri night: decided to cook at home. Try not to eat out in SF on Fri and Sat nights. Between the high cost of labor and the eat-out culture, there is always a wait (even with reservations), and the service is dismal. I made dinner in 30 minutes, and it was relaxing. The secret is to have one or two ingredients that people don't usually have. Menu was unagi (the frozen kind that you just microwave), rice, and salad complete with fresh dressing (balsamic vinegar, olive oil AND honey).

Fri night: cab to and from club. No point driving and parking if the club is a mile away. Tip: always say hi to the promotor. If he recognizes you, your entire party of four (better if all women) might get comped.

Sat: Take the bus to Chinatown. A must b/c there is something going on in this town that always plugs up Embarcadero. Funny that we usually give ourselves plenty of time when taking public transportation but end up rushing if driving.

Walk to Northbeach for lunch - reservations a must when hitting tourist attractions. Walk off lunch by shopping at Chinatown. Head to Northbeach Jazz Festival - FREE! Take bus back down to Meteron. Go to top floor to check out best view of MOMA and downtown skyline (it's the sunniest view). Cross and go to St. Regis to lounge out at the public space. It's a shame that they hid the public space, so you have to take the elevator to get to. Rare to be in downtown and out on a "private" deck.

Proceed to bus home. Tip: at the end of the day, pick the bus line that is the most frequent rather than the closest one. Walking that extra 5 minutes is better than waiting that extra 20 minutes.

Sat night: More home cooking after a quick trip to Korean market. See rule above. We had miso soup with enoki mushrooms, steamed fish, chives with chicken, store-prepared clear noodles, and wine. Cost of dinner given that I already had the wine and chicken: $8 for 3 people. It's silly math: it is always cheaper for me to feed 3-4 people than to eat out for 1. Being generous always make sense.

Regardless of what we did, it was all about the company. Feel lucky b/c I always have good people in my life to inspire the fun.

and the winner is...

No, my company has yet to pick the winning environmental attorneys for our major project. It's the final round of interviews.

Today, we interviewed Team #1 which was led by the attorney I have a crush on. I happen to sit across from him again, and what a sight!

When he spoke, I cannot help but admire his complete honesty and passion about his work. It's so refreshing to meet someone who absolutely believes in his work and moves me with his pride and knowledge.

Of course, at the same time, I am noticing that he has these stubbles on the side of his face that is just inviting me to run my hands over the face. Deadly combination. Good thing I reminded myself that someone else has that honor now.

A friend asked me over the weekend what I am looking for in a guy. The list changes over time. One characteristic that has not changed is that I am attracted to people who I want to emulate. This attorney has the career that I never had. He is at the top of his game and relish in every moment. I want not only be my best but also possess that power to move others. To win at work is not to wait for superiors' approval or to get the desired result. The prize is the ability to always do the right thing b/c my gut tells me so. This week has been so fun at work because everything I am doing feels absolutely right. Getting the result is just the wink that I am on the right track.

luck

Given that gratitude is the only scientifically-proven link to happiness, let me take a moment to thank my lucky stars.

All my life, I have been able to find kindred spirit, and that has made all the difference in my optimism.

The commonality among all the positive influences is that these special people tend not to stay long in my life.

For instance, even though I am incredibly close to my parents and siblings, they are not always around. My parents split their time b/t the US and abroad. My sister is currently living in another state, and my brother is usually buried in his research or spending time with his financee.

Still, that sense of being loved never goes away even when I am alone.

Same with friends and lovers. They are only meant to be in my life for a few moments at a time. I know better now than to expect life-long connections.

This sense that I will always be on my own has been innate since I was 6. Now that I can fully understand it I can fully realize my destiny. I am not here to find the one or to belong to groups. I shall use my time alone to be my best.

work it

After six months, I am finally settled into work. It was the first time in six months that I am not physically stressed out about work. Instead, my life outside work is back to normal. I am having fun again.

I do think about work a lot, while I am working. Every issue is a problem that I am solving to gain experience for future challenges. Yes, it's also a means to an end, and I get paid enough to live in SF.

At the same time, I want to conserve energy and not sweat the small stuff. As much as I am dedicated to my career, I also know that my health and my spirituality come first. As long as I have my priorities straight, everything will work themselves out.

There is also the constant learning. Today, I was trying to schedule the final interview for environmental attorneys, and I made the mistake of scheduling the team for the wrong date. At first, I was very upset about doing something wrong, but then I had to laugh at the fact that I would make a terrible secretary.

One of the reasons that work is going better and better is because I have to do some grunt work, and I don't mind it. I have had about 25 jobs since college. In law school, I even worked as a part-time assistant for an attorney. All that work experience means that I never take it for granted. Anyone who complains about work needs to be unemployed for more than six months. Check that off my life experience list as well.

The biggest difference between today and six months ago is my expectations. I no longer dream of anything because I have that in my personal life. Work is about learning and growing and getting better at it every day.

boring

The Chinese word for boredom is sometimes used to admonish people who have so much time on their hands that they act perverse. For example, the victim of a practicle joke will yell to the prankster "are you bored?!"

More and more, I grow aware of such unslightly behavior, and the root is boredom. For instance, today, I had a random stalker for my walk to and from the grocery store two blocks away. I believe that the person is just some observer of the SF Marathon and maybe tagged along out of boredom. A fellow shopper who I walked past on the way to the store actually approached me in the vegetable section and warned me about the stalker and described his outfit to me.

On the way home, I spotted that person across the street. I decided to follow him and crossed the street to be behind him. He reacted surprised by almost stopping completely but then decided to walk down the street. I turned onto my street but suspected that he would turn around to follow. I then turned around in the middle of my block.

Sure enough, the guy had turned in as well and was walking toward me. Knew it. I then set down my groceries at the side of the street and pulled out my phone as if to call. I took my time to get his physical description. Hopefully, I never have to use that information!

The fortunate thing was that he appeared embarrassed, and he walked without looking back. I was able to get home safely.

This is not the first time that I had been followed, but this is the first time that I felt completely calm. I cannot control others but I can always manage situations.

The incident brought full circle to the question of how do people improve themselves. Besides constantly learning, there has to be enough constructive activity for a person that prevents the mind from straying.

Unfortunatley, much of the population, including myself, has tried to solve the boredom issue with solutions that only compound the problem. For example, I used to enjoy shopping, especially bargain shopping. It was entertainment but not a real solution to boredom. Now that I have cut out shopping as a leisure activity (and only buy based on need), my life has improved.

Next will be more activities that not only combat boredom but bring real meaning to my life and the lives of others. Stayed tuned...

don't compare

I try not to compare people but being subjected to unpleasant company makes me miss those good moments with great company.

signs of old age

Last night, went out with three girlfriends to dance. It was a younger crowd, so we danced in peace. Met up with another group of friends, but it was all crazy dancing.

Tonight, we hit another party, but it was an older crowd. I had the misfortune of running into four different guys that were friends of friends. Repeatedly the guys tried to come up to talk to me while our group was dancing.

Nothing ages a person faster than desperation. When we first left the party I felt frustrated by the unwelcome attention, then after some thought, I see how these men were just tired of being alone.

The worst thing for someone who feels lonely is to go to a club and feel trapped by his inhibition. Personally, I go clubbing to celebrate with my friends. Nothing projects joy more than freely dancing. If you are looking to meet someone at a party, then get their number and leave them alone! My agenda is to have fun and not to engage in a Q&A session.

Very grateful that I have the company of friends who danced with me all night long! Here's to kindred spirits.

crush

Our company is interviewing an attorney who is partner at a big firm.

Well, my initial impression when we invited him in for the first interview was so-so. Then, during that one hour, he impressed me enough to wonder if he was single. This guy is not only smart, he is a gentleman. Having practiced, let me tell you that it's rare to meet a nice litigator. His only flaw was that he also looked too young; our attorney was shocked that this guy has been praticing for 14 years.

There was a part of me that hoped we would reject him, so I can ask him out. He made the first cut.

Today, we brought him back for a small side project. At the start of our meeting, three of us were just chatting while waiting for our regular attorney. I suggested that our attorney was late because he was probably pulled over reading his Blackberry. He confessed that he too was addicted to his, but they have a house rule to not check it before 7.

My heart sank. That's "we" as in him and his SO.

It didn't help that the rest of the 2-hour meeting, this guy was brilliant. It's been a long while since I have been swept up by intellect, and the great brain is dosed with a great sense of humor and encased in a great-looking head and body...

His SO is a lucky woman/man (hey, you never know).

confidance

Last night, a girlfriend and I went to happy hour. It was an alumni event for a business school, but for some reason, it was quite empty. It was a good chance to observe the few attendees.

Later in the event, two women stoped by. Both beautiful and very well put together. My friend commented that they appeared to be trying to hard. How? It was hard to pinpoint, but I agreed.

They both had outfits that didn't look quite appropriate for work. Either they work in retail, or someone changed just for the occassion. Then, there was the makeup. I was sitting across the room, and both their eyes and lips were just a bit too vivid.

Still, who can fault these women for looking their best, but when everyone else is coming straight from work, they did stand out.

In the end, nothing flatters like confidance, and no outfit or assessory is as winning as a big smile.

what do you know

This past Tuesday night, I sat in the Friends of Brisbane Library monthly meeting. Given that my company is looking to build in this small town, part of my job is to get to know the community.

Just as I had suspected, many people don't fully engage in the civic news. Even though the people I met were very passionate about having a better library, most of them do not follow what is going on in their cities.

Which makes me realize more than ever that the democratic process only works if there is a very committed and active population.

Personally, I just try to read. It helps that part of my weekly task at work is to track local municipal activities. And I vote.

The other day, someone asked me on a blind date what I would do if I was independently wealthy. I would be an activist. Why not now?

externalities

Given all the gloabl-warming concerns, persuading people to save energy for the greater good does not seem so effective.

A better approach may be to show people the externalities that they stand to gain.

For instance, taking public transportation not only reduce gasoline consumption, it
1. is great exercise (b/c you usually have to walk a few blocks)
2. is a great time to read
3. is relaxing
4. helps with directions (this is my secret on how I know the city so well)

Next weekend, two girlfriens will be staying with me, and I hope to show them the SF Bay Area that very few people know, the one without a car...

the sure things

No matter what, I have so many outlets for these no-so-hot weeks. Whether it is friends, family, work, workouts, or even food, I can always find ways to make myself feel better.

The key is to continually maintain relationships and outlets like making deposits to savings accounts, so when it's time to draw for one's sanity, those resources are available.

I am working tomorrow morning, Saturday, so it's a low key night tonight. Still, I am finally snapped out of my alone mode and ready to have some fun.

This looks to be one great weekend already...

love to work

Finally hit that state where work is euphoric.

It's a high from doing so many things all at once and doing them all well. It's the ability to keep track of several projects and know just what to do next. It's giving my undivided attention in that meeting even though four more meetings are scheduled for the day.

I always imagined myself as a worker bee, busily buzzing away. Relax? Never. Although I do miss the jobs where the tasks can be easily checked off after an hour or two. Now, almost every project is ongoing, so I have to create mini-tasks to check things off the list.

Okay, back to work!

preparation

Went on a lunch blind date today.

At one point, I dropped some food on myself. Two weeks ago, the same thing happened during a lunch with a colleague, and my annoyance temporarily interrupted that lunch. Today, I remembered and just discreetly wiped the food off.

The date was all right, but the problem with being intuitive is that I usually figure out what the guy wants and can tell right away if I am not the right fit for that person. That's why I always end up falling for peope who are not ready to settle down yet because they don't have any fixed mental image to eliminate me.

Throughout the lunch, the person was trying hard to figure out my age. I do look young for my age, and so does he. Still, there is over 10 years of age difference. Another plus is that I have so many close friends and relatives much older and much younger than me that I can always sidestep those questions.

In the end, it's all about chemistry, but practice only helps...

watching

Nothing like observing one's own changes.

Found myself behaving in ways similar to the guy I just dated. Pleasantly surprised. I like it when people are significant enough to leave their marks.

At the same time, I have started to let those peripherial relationships evolve without much effort on my part. Quite liberating although at the confusion of my so-called friends.

Life is good though. Despite a very hectic weekend, I feel more at peace then ever.

secret to happiness

Despite the ups and downs in my professional and dating life, I am having a very happy week.

After a depressing week/weekend, where I almost got sick from the stress, I finally snapped out of it. More than any medication, my firm belief in myself got me out of the dark hole.

Ironically, because I have achieved optimal physical health, it is inevitable that I am confronting my spirituality now.

Unlike many of my friends who are pursuing concrete goals like money, life partner or career, I have had all that already. For me, the secret to happiness is spiritual connection to my inner self.

I am happy when I can move through life effortlessly. When I know what choices to make because I am aware and connected to the world at large. Hesitation and worries are inefficient use of my time, and I avoid those moments by always being connected to my inner self.

Cultivating the self takes a lot of time on one's own, but it also requires a genuine interest in the world around us. By caring about others, we develop our intuition and can let our sense guide us to the inevitable outcome.

An example is how to squeeze more time out of the week. This week, I worked M-Th nights. Knowing that I have lots of meetings, I lunched and took breaks with friends. I even caught up with a friend from Japan for an hour yesterday during a 13-hour work day; we took a walk at the marina nearby.

It is by always knowing what I need can I fuel myself physically and spiritually and then in turn live my best life. That is happiness.

what's in a package

When it comes to health, it's good to have a few rules of thumb and stick to it. My favorite one right now is to try to not buy or eat anything that comes in a package.

Think about it, most things that come in a package need chemicals to keep it fresh or edible. Thus, my number one enemy: corn syrup. Some of you may know that corn syrup, especially the partially hydrogenated kind, has been linked to type II diabetes. I just don't like the taste. Sodas and most packaged baked goods have them. Check those labels, even most bread has corn syrup. I only found this out b/c I recently bought bread for a road trip and had to put so many loaves back.

Also, there is the money one saves by buying natural food. Buying packaged food is essentially letting someone else take another cut in the money chain. Very few desserts will be cheaper and healthier than the ones that one bakes by oneself.

Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, otherwise, life will be too boring. My exceptions to the rule? OJ, soymilk, miso and CHOCOLATE! (There are many more, but that's between me and my grocery store clerk.)

check, check, check

Cannot waste a second to worry or stress. The past few weeks were tough b/c I was letting the stress build up.

The key is to be very organized and to plan in the fun stuff. I am giving myself a golf lesson, a couple of lunches with friends this week. Determined to have it all.

Today, I got all my work done, and I am taking a 2 hour break before heading to a PR event at 8.

Okay, so in this have-it-all world, there is no man and no kids. Still, I have my "baby" in my garage and plenty of people to share food.

A very happy day, and it's only Monday!

work-life balance

In the end, it is outlook. I got so burnt out from work that I ended up just sleeping most of the weekend. Did catch the World Cup Finals with my dad. No matter what, I always have my family.

Decided to focus on work and the friends in my life rather than how I am feeling. As long as I can keep up the health routine, I should be able to handle anything. Been spending countless hours on frivilous emotions that have no resolutions.

It's time to be me again.

I'm lucky

Despite a holiday in the middle of the week, it felt like a very long week.

Fortunatley, a friend joined me to climb for a couple of hours tonight. Plus, I ran into my neighbors who were walking with their kid, and they fed me some yummy stew for dinner!

Now that I have released all the stress of the week, I feel amazing. Still, I have been complaining to everyone in my life. So grateful for all the acts of kindness. Hopefully I can remain in this zen state and continue to be a good friend and neighbor.

rise above

I had my performance review at work today. It didn't go too well. I spent half the time explaining unsuccessfully to my general manager why I struggle with working in this company. Fortunately, I was able to steer the review and got it done. I am glad that I contained my emotions and moved forward.

It's all about being a better person. Take for instance, we interviewed an environmental attorney this morning. He was such an eloquent speaker and intelligent thinker that the rest of the group was able to follow along in a very meaningful discussion. So delightful to be in his presence!

That has always been one of my goals. To be the one who brings up the level of interaction and bring out the best in other people. Sure, it's a lot of work, but over time, it's becoming easier. I am excited about work now because I am finally more passionate about it. This is the balance I am looking for. I already feel completely satisfied by my personal life. Now, my career will have the same return.

playing with fire

The best part about dating someone truly wonderful was that it built up my defense against guys who can never be more than friends.

Lately, when I talk to guys, I can see right through to their motives. It's easy to spot the users because I spent so many months with the most sincere person I know. After being with a good guy, it's hard to hang with the users. Perhaps I have learned on my own too.

Still, it's nice to have that one person who everyone else has to measure up against. I mean, had.

glad to be single still

Yesterday, a friend confided that he is tired of being single and is ready for someone in his life.

I, too, am ready for someone in my life, but my motivation is completely different. My friend said that he is tired of having to figure out what to do every weekend. I don't think planning for the weekend goes away once a person has a partner.

Having been in great relationships, I do look forward to the next one because relationships always change me dramatically. I crave the process of growing with someone into a new person.

At the same time, I like who I have evolved into as a result of staying single for the last 3 years. I have seeked out many single people and women in relationships in order to have activity buddies. I couldn't have these amazing friendships had it not for being single.

Trade offs.

The one thing that I don't have is the social pressure of having someone. I truly believe that as individuals, partners can never replace our own company. Until a person can accept the possibility of being alone forever, he or she will never be truly satisfied in a relationship. Until we look to ourselves completely for answers, we cannot be the best partner for our significant other.

electric moment

While in Vegas this past weekend, I was "electrocuted" by a man. My friend and I were walking around Wynn when I caught the eyes of someone laughing with his friends. He looked so happy. All I could do was smile back, and HE smiled back. And my heart skipped a beat in that moment. Too bad we were on our way to the airport. Still, it's moments like those that I know I will never settle.

good or bad

Sometimes something happens and appears to be a great thing, but upon closer examination, a different set of reasonings can alter the character of an event.

Take for instance, my short weekend trip to Vegas. Had so much fun (some things will have to stay there!) that I completely erased the stress of work.

From the last post, I was getting burnt out. This vacation was just what I needed right? Well, not if the vacation erased the stress that can remind me why I am job hunting...

In the end, there is no good or bad, there is only what my gut tells me. One of the best things about vacations is that I always read more than usual, since I travel by myself quite a bit. For this short trip, I was at the airports for a total of 7 hours. So satisfying to be able to read an entire Sunday LA Times from front page to the calendar section! Not to mention reading half way through a think book.

All the reading does still my mind (not quite able to start meditating yet). In the stillness, I realized that I have been focusing too much on petty things. It's a shame that I have not done much to better myself of late.

The first step to make the world better is to keep learning and keep getting better.

now I know...

...how it feels to work 14-hour days, and the next two days promise to be intense as the company follows up on the next political battle... yawn...time to rest...

inspiration

Had lunch today with the President of the Housing Leadership Council of San Mateo County. Some friends of ours suggested the meeting because Mark and I are both interested in affordable housing. Mark plan to help put in 25,000 units of housing in San Mateo County, which would be ten percent of the existing stock.

During our last meeting in LA, I confided in Mark that I wasn't sure about my current job. Today, we revisited what's next. He asked me to think about my ideal job, disregarding all constraints.

Hum.

Given that I believe in fate, I never gave the future much thought. In some ways, my 2-page resume reflects the inability to settle down on a path. At the same time, I need that wide range of experiences to know that there is a better fit. For example, my office does not have a receptionist now. The board doesn't think we need one after the last one left. It's about efficiency. So many of us scramble for the phone now that it's inefficient.

Well, I have an interview tomorrow with the Mayor's Office of Housing. We'll see.

not ready

Came out of a city council meeting last night at 1030. My first thought was thank goodness that I don't have anyone to go home to. It's like the summer of 98, when I was in law school and clerked with the LA Redevelopment Agency. I attended numerous Political Action Committees (PACs) at night and on weekends.

It was fun when I was 20 because I was learning so much. I am still learning, but now there are competiting interests ten years later. I have dinner guests tonight and Thursday night. A bachelorette party in Vegas over the weekend. Want to squeeze 2 visits to the gym this week and practice my golf at the range before my trip.

Feel glad that I am moving on from the latest guy. There was a bit of disappointment because he was so wonderful, but he and I both know that we are both not ready to connect with anyone deeply. Given that we both feel the same, let's see if a friendship can develop. I don't usually stay friends with dates, but it happens.

the p-word

I like to think I enlighten people with my wealth of knowledge. Unfortunately, my passion to share information touched several nerves this weekend.

At a bridal shower, I supported the concept of a pre-nuptial agreement. I have never gotten so many dirty looks! Most people there didn't support it.

The reality is that with 50% of the marriage ending in divorce, prenup is the necessary insurance. How many of us get home insurance when very few things ever happen in a given year?

Still, I am glad I spoke up. What was the most surprising was how little people knew about the subject. I was in a room full of married women and women wanting to get married. Please! It is sad how much ignorance exists in the relm of dating and marriage.

birthday present

I had one of my best birthdays ever. Yes, it involved a man... The best day trip ever.

The romance is over for me. After 14 hours, I can tell that the magic is not meant to be. It's not official, but somehow, there is enough said and not said for me to get the message loud and clear.

Everyone else knew this from the beginning that he is not the right one for me. Still, to have a man make me so happy that I can deflect all negative words and events of late, it was indeed magical.

I date not just to find my soulmate. I venture into the emotional unknown to grow and to have those special experiences. This last round was so perfect in its own way. I did fall in love and out of it without getting hurt. I am forever transformed.

Let's hope this next year is just as lucky.

oh no...

I went out with this guy briefly who used to say "Oh no!" whenever something goes wrong. It was endearing in the beginning because his "Oh no!" had genuine fear and worry in the tone. Then it got to be annonying. Yes, I know we are late for the movie, but do you have to make it so stressful?

Still, when I am having a bad moment now, I just say to myself that I am having a "Oh no!" moment. Which is today.

I always know when someone is not the right person any more. It can be sad b/c sometimes the other person never see it coming.

We had so much potential. We are about to spend 12 hours on a road trip tomorrow. Oh well, I am going as a platonic friend. It's fine. I don't think he can tell the difference.

I was so sad last night (sadness preceeds "Oh no!" moments). Sometimes I wish I was not intuitive and don't have to go through guys like tissues. Well, this is who I am, and I am better for it. I always know when it was time to move on.

trade offs

The best thing about dating is that casual stage where you are just happy to see the other person. Little expectation is a great thing. The tough thing about dating is how to keep it at that casual stage indefinitely.

In a culture that is always rushing to the end result and plenty of people wanting to walk down the isle, it's hard to find that person who is fine with just dating.

Now that I finally found someone who is just right, I am rushing ahead of myself. It's so silly to want to change things when the best part is to enjoy the moment. I love how I am changing as a result of dating this person. It's bliss, but I was on the verge of ruining it. Luckily, in talking to girlfriends (including my mom) who can see that I am happier, it's silly to want to change.

Change is inevitable. Fate is inevitable. I will just let it all happen naturally.

just like that!

I finally got over my issues with work. Almost overnight, I came to terms with work. It started with an e-mail from M, a very driven girlfriend. She reminded me to tune out the politics and just learn from the experience.

Then, the light bulb went off. I had been sucked in to the petty politics at work. Everyone there has their own agenda, but I don't have to agree or disagree. I am there to learn! Perfect timing, because I was just recruited for a new PR project. My assignment: to interface with the Asian community around our project and drum up support. No kidding, the PR consultant suggested that I hang out at bus stops. Of course, this is the Asian community - heading to the Chinese restaurants and the library first!

Worked until 830 tonight, and I have lots of Saturdays and late nights ahead. Excited because I know that this is also why I have been single all this time. I am finally ready to give my career all I've got!

HTGTG

Been following the show - How To Get the Guy. It's a good show in that it confirms so many of my own beliefs, including that you don't have to do too much to find a significant other. When you are ready, whoever that is ready too will be the one. It's all fate!

The show is very entertaining in that it showcases SF beautifully. Even though I enjoy being single, I do miss sharing a great city with that special someone.

Good thing for single friends. Last Sunday, went Rollerblading along the Embarcadero with a couple of guy friends. After, two more friends joined us for bunch. It was lovely. My first time. The skating was so much better along the waterfront than at the Park! Who knew? The key is numbers. I must have invited 15 people, and 5 is a great turnout! Next up, more brunch. Are you in?

don't have to live by rules

The best thing about dating in my 30s is that I have zero pressure. I am not looking for romance, financial support, or even marriage. Been through all of those things, and if they happen again, great. If not, I'll probably be even better because that means I will be persuing something of great value too.

More than ever, my gut directs my actions. Being completely in touch with my instincts means there are no mistakes. I do what I belive to be right and follow my sixth sense.

This weekend, I managed to go to the East Bay and back to SF twice. Once via BART and once driving. I played 2 sports, saw my family twice, went to a picnic, washed the car, cooked dinner for a friend, saw a movie and read a book. It was a blast. Still, someone asked how I got all that energy. I realized that is the very reason to trust one's instinct.

By not following the rules or worrying about how my life is following the "right" path, I am able to move easily between all my committments and all my priorities.

The same cannot be said for work. I am wasting so much energy at work because I am using my logic rather than my gut to move forward in work. It's time to set aside the rules in working and get back to that ease I had at the last job. From the minute I submitted my resume to the day I gave notice, I moved in warped speed by paying attention to the signals from the people and the environment. It was not entirely luck that my last day was when a significant group gave notice to leave the company too. By staying in touch with many ex-co-workers, I know that my departure was at the right time.

Being in the present is something I am good at, but I let the pretension and the culture of my current work encourage me to look behind all too often. It's time to be myself and not let others tell me who I am.

beyond my control

Today, a co-worker yelled so loudly at another co-worker that two managers on the other side of the office (about 30 feet away) came over to calm him down.

If I work in a regular office, that person would be sent immediately to anger-management class or perhaps fired. Of course, I work in an office where many staff members, including myself, came through the back door. Thus, nothing more than some scolding by everyone, and the guy is off the hook.

Ironically, even though I joined the company to make a difference (and I am proud of my work thus far), I just make matters worse by enforcing the culture of favoritism.

I finally realized that my biggest critics are the people above me. There is some resentment that it took me no time to get here while many toiled for years. Guess being able to hide my scars behind my optimism makes others see me as a princess.

time to chill

My workout buddy came to the gym very late this morning. She got caught behind an accident on the way to the gym. She came into the weights area to tell me that she was heading striaght to the shower.

Not knowing if there was anything I could do, I offered to buy her some bagels from the shop upstairs. It's her favorite, so I know that would cheer her up. By the time she got ready, she was diffused. We still got our girls talk in. Even though I was a few minutes late to work, I knew it was the right call.

This morning was another reminder that when things don't go your way, it's time to stop and chill and get back to your center.

encouragement

After the regular weekly team meeting today, our PR consultant stayed after to speak with me privately. He and I reviewed our upcoming projects. Then, the consultant reminded me that I have the leadership skills to make our projects happen. I offered to volunteer my time with a prominent local group, but the consultant wanted more. He suggested that I try to change the internal culture and assert more control within the company.

As much as I believe in realizing my potential, I just don't want to step on my supervisor and general manager's toes (not to mention a very stubborn board).

The biggest news from today's conversation is finding out that the reason I have been assigned several petty assignment (write the corporate instructional manual?!) is because the Chairman of the Board doubt my ability. The consultant hinted that he had approached the Chairman to put me in more public positions, but the Chairman fears my lack of experience will harm the company.

It's bad enough that I am often the only woman in a room, and now my age and professional experience are being questioned.

I have sent out a couple of job applications, and I am more motivated than ever to move on. This job is like a bad relationship. I don't want to blame anyone or myself. It's just not meant to be. It was nice to hear the positive feedback from the consultant, but not hearing those encouragements from this office is a sign that I need to move on.

dependency

E-mailed a friend to suggest carpooling to a third friend's bridal shower. She replied yes and proceeded to asked about a group dinner with another friend who moved into town. I had offered the dinner months ago, but she was studying for a Series 7 exam and canceled.

It's the same thing everytime. I organize get-togethers, usually cook the food or have it at a restaurant. All I ask is a couple of hours of someone's time.

Now that the friend is done with her exam, she turns around and asked about the dinner. I know that she is expecting that I organize another get-together for the three of us. Perhaps cook for her. In her e-mail, there wasn't any suggestion of where or when, it was just an expectation of the same offer.

It's my own fault. By always being accommodating, people rely on me. Well, that was then. My priorities have changed, and now if you want to do something, plan it. MAYBE I'll show up. I'll give you plenty of notice (not the week of) if something more important comes up though.

petty

One great thing about believing in fate is that I can accept most unexpected events. Tonight, my flight was delayed, and of course, this is the only time in the last 5 years that I asked for a ride. The person ended up having to go to a different airport and being late for visiting a relative.

On the other hand, I also wonder if mishaps are fate's way of reminding me to change course. It's hard to know what to believe when there are so many signs that my heart is wrong.

Good thing that I am always reading nonfiction that puts everything into perspective. Am getting back to reading different subjects to answer my own questions, from health to cultures to cities. Reading things I didn't know before is a constant reminder that all the people giving me advice don't necessiarly know better.

Perhaps the most comforting effect of fate is that it erases all doubts and frustrations. I know that everything is meant to be, and that knowledge sets me free to keep taking risks and follow my intuition.

freedom

Went to a small designer shopping event. It's like those electronic shows they have at convention centers except this one is for clothing and assessories. Not wanting to deal with traffic and parking, I took the bus. A great idea! The event was fun, and I had almost door-to-door chauffeur service.

Taking the bus gives me so much freedom. I can read, rest, learn the streets in order (THIS is how I know SF so well), and mostly, practice my gratitude for life. According to scientific research, the only proven indicator of happiness is gratitude (not health, wealth, or even family).

Riding the bus is also a very natural way to interact with the rest of the city. Besides tourists, the rides are always telling of what the city is about. Tonight, there were a lot of the working crowd and young people just out of school and the party crowd b/c it's Thursday. For someone like me who lives a very sheltered life, public transportation reminds me that I am just lucky. Many people don't have a car not because they don't work hard or are not frugal.

It does bother me that many people who have achieved financial freedom criticism others for laziness or poverty. Success is learned, but fate alters whether we interact with those opportunities to learn about what it takes.

I don't even have what it takes, but I happen to be very lucky in meeting people who inspires me, starting with my parents. Well, more on that another time. Have to get up early to build a Habitat for Humanities house tomorrow!

the constants

Last night, a late night workout at the gym got me thinking: what are my constants?

Constants are the things that one can count on and with little uncertainty.

For me, the constants are many: family, friends (the friends can change, but the ability to connect with them is the sure thing), workouts, driving my car, libraries, cooking good food, finding good deals, and the list goes on.

The two things missing from my list of constants are work and relationship. I lost that complete confidence in my job when I started this new job. Finding another job is a way to try to make my job a constant again.

Same thing with dating. Having had few periods where a man is a constant in my life, I know it's more fate than actual effort. Still, dating someone who is not quite ready for a relationship, I have to wonder where I stand on the committment scale. Oh yeah, one thing that is not and will never be a constant - feeling desparate!

setbacks

So I set up my wireless network (after talking to my personal tech support - my brother).

It proceeded to work for all of 10 minutes. Am back to the plugged version of DSL.

No time to figure this out today. Too worned out from work. Glad I am sending out those resumes.

Am taking a poll on this whole dating multiple people concept. Know lots of people who did/are doing this. What is the proper protocol? Is it allowed until the exclusivity conversation is brought up? Do I have to say anything to the first guy, or is it part of what dating is?

We shall find out...

yet another inspiration

Yesterday, I went to a open house at The Lansing in Rincon Hill. What an impressive building. After living at The Met, the building across the street, and finding fault with that design, I thought high rises were all the same - great if you can afford the view, but too small and pricing for entertaining.

The tour gave me new hope that Rincon Hill will be the area that put San Francisco on the world map. Besides having bedrock (less prone to earthquake damages) and the views, the world-class architecture may transform the City.

Read up on the developer, Lambert Development. The company also built The Brannan, a beautiful complex in South Beach. The research gave me new focus. If a developer can bring the design necessary to curb all criticism, then I too can change the world. Maybe a grand complex is not in my stars, but seeing The Lansing made me want to do great things.

Now, if they can just revamp the isolated neighborhood (and the main reason I moved out of the area)...

pity

Saturday night was the usual dancing with friends. We always have the best times b/c we don't much care being silly at the clubs (hurray for getting older!).

Someone else also didn't care what other people think. We noticed this cute young guy near us at one point. Perhaps the intensity was what drew our group's attention. Apparently, he was waiting for his gf. We realized this because he was yelling so loudly at her later on. Despite ear plugs and loud music, I could still hear him shouting at her with so much anger.

It was an unpleasant sight. I could only see her back and his face, but it was painful to witness the event. Perhaps he was so angry that he didn't mind making a scene.

What was even more scary was how long this went on. We must have danced an entire song. Maybe 5 minutes, but it felt like the whole night.

At one point, I really thought about going up to the woman and telling her that no one should take this kind of abuse from a man. That's what it was; I witnessed verbal abuse and felt the pain. Thinking now, her silence suggested that this has happened before.

From the crowd and his face, I could tell that they were younger. In that instant, I decided to just be a silent observer. Still, this memory will stay with me for a while. It was a day that made me very, very glad that no man has and will ever treat me like that...

inspiration

I am star-struck. To see someone that I have been reading about for over 10 years is awesome.

A friend of mine invited me to the City CarShare's fifth anniversary party (thanks LL). It was quite alternative, held in a contemporary art gallery, complete with recycled drink tickets that were fridge magnets.

Then, I heard that Nancy Pelosi will be receiving an award. Sure enough, after all the standard opening greetings, there she was, Ms. House Democratic Leader herself! What a passionate speaker. Every word was spoken with conviction. Of course, she received an award b/c her support help fund a very noble cause.

It's truly amazing. This was a small function, with maybe less than 100 people present. And there she was, the most powerful Democrat in DC, giving us her time.

It was one of those moments, where I have to ask myself, what have I done to change the world lately?

utopia

It's been a while since I have been at this place, so it still feels new.

This is the place when everything comes together. When I can just be myself, 24/7 and know that everything that I do is the right thing.

Especially with my man. Well, he is just the guy I am dating. Still, it's hit that point, where I can just be myself. This is the one thing that I have learned. The sooner I can be myself with him, including the neurotic side the better. Because I am old enough to know that I will not change, and it's time that he knows it too.

Wow, it's been so long, since I had want someone to get to know all of me. So humbling that I actually like someone enough that I can share all of me, and not just the me that everyone else sees.

So, we'll see...

my zen moment

There I was, sitting on the kitchen floor, scraping burnt meat off of my cooking grid. After 20 minutes, I was in a trance. It was euphoria, this total concentration.

Then I remembered this book I read a couple of years back: Flow by Csikszentmihalyi.

To achieve this connection between theory and real life was so satisfying. It also reminded me that I must get back to reading more! So much of what I read in those two years of being unemployed shaped me. What I am doing now to prepare for the present and the future?

one and only

This morning I complained yet once more about my current job situation to my mother. As usual, she had a no-nonsense response. Then, she added that it is unbecoming for me to complain about work. My mother suggested that I should just quietly look for something else and move on without more gripes.

Even though I don't always see eye to eye with my mother, I finally see the wisdom in her advice. As one of the most independent, well-educated and worldly person in my life, my mother has a unique outlook on life. When I was younger, much of her advice went counter to my beliefs. For example, she suggested dating lots in college, but I was insistent to be attached to one boyfriend. My mother saw the importance of career development for women in their 20s, but I had my heart set on a marriage.

The most amazing lesson I continue to learn from my mother is her relationship with my father. It is surprising to see such an independent woman do so much for her husband; it is even more rare to see my father give so much to her. It is a testiment of my mother's will that her opinion is always heard by everyone in the family. Most times the rest of the family listen because her voice is backed by reason and intellect.

So, starting today, I will downplay the troubles at work. After all, my mother had to fight racism at work during the 60s in the East Coast, so my job is not bad at all.

the two people...

Last night, I ate dinner and watched the end of the Suns-Spurs game with my parents. In three hours of hanging out with the two people who love me the most, all the frustration from work disappeared.

I joked with my parents that I don’t need a man because I have them two. My mother responded that they spoiled me too much, and that’s why I am single. Hehe. Maybe. For one thing, the guy will have to measure up to two of the most intelligent and caring people I know.

Plus, they don’t expect anything from me. Most men that I dated want me to be their ideal g/f or wife. I cannot be anyone’s ideal anything; I only know how to be me. And guess who taught me that?

Lately, I am starting to see that men have so much pressure to be a certain way. They have to be smart, funny, athletic, gentlemanly and successful. I am guilty of putting on the pressure…

It is hard. In the world where everyone is telling you what to do, good luck finding those two people who let you be you.

committed to planning

I submitted a job application this morning. It’s the first step in focusing on planning once again.

Over the weekend, I thought about how I have been unfairly characterizing my current job. It is the opportunity of a lifetime, but I just don’t love real estate development. Even though the thought of building multi-million-dollar projects seemed so exciting when I first heard of the opportunity, I am not quite ready to leave zoning and land use behind.

It is also about fit. After working at over twenty jobs in the last 18 years of my life, I know a thing or two about what makes me happy professionally. I need to be at a place where I can build on what I already know and be with people who share my core beliefs.

This current job is not working out because I spend so much energy trying to fix the system. I am not in the business of corporate re-organization, so why stay and write a corporate processes manual (my latest assignment)?

It is also timing. In three years, I would love to be able to juggle HR/accounting/PR challenges, but right now, I just want to be a zoning planner. We’ll see…

hidden treasure

Even though I questioned your feelings for me,
All doubts are set aside.

You are here for me, and
Have been there for me.

In your own way, you care.
I know because I am happier.

Unexpectedly,
You are changing me for the better.

I don't know what the future holds, but
Like I told you, I don't expect anything.

I do not expect because
The present is more than enough.

We have the present, and
It is mighty sweet.

the answer to my questions

It turns out that the answer I was looking for wasn't an answer at all.

It was a question, or rather, several questions.

I sat in a project meeting today, and my director asked: how are we going to make the deal work? (Let's just say that the answer includes how to resolve a 8-digit lawsuit.) Then, it dawned on me that this is the heart of my work now - problem solving.

Rather than focusing on the day-to-day getting things done, my job is all about how to make these multi-million/billion dollar projects come to life. All of a sudden, the minute details of dissatisfied co-workers seem less of an issue.

True, my own emotional responses have not gone away (neither has my neck strain), but now I have several purposes. First, to learn enough for the future. Two, to solve these big problems.

soul searching

Still coming to terms with work. I thought about the incredible opportunity to learn (one of the project is one of the largest development projects in the Bay Area) versus the stress. Rather than being caught up in the emotions, I am trying to focus on what I can control.

My motto to go with my gut does not work well because I am so distracted by all of my co-workers' frustration. People’s ability to vent speaks to the unprofessional atmosphere. I wonder if it’s the Chinese. Do those of us who speak Mandarin behave too casually with one another? Maybe. It also has to do with the way that the major investors of the company treats the staff as their own assistants.

More than ever, my personal life is so vital to my happiness. By having my life to anchor me, I am slowly figuring out how to deal with the unexpected pressures. I believe in fate, so the fact that I am doing four people’s job in a 50-hour week should not faze me. I need to be mindful that this job is a choice. I love to work and relish in my sense of accomplishment.

The emotional and physical reactions are instinctive reactions to the information from the outside world that may or may not have valid basis. Rather than trying to have all the answers, I need to do what I can to be productive.

Even though my masseuse and I discussed a job change, I know that there is still much to learn. Given that one big dream is to build affordable housing units (condos or apartments), I need to be here to learn the entire process. With four development projects, I will get to that point of striking out on my own faster. I rather learn the lessons now than later, when a grant may depend on my expertise.

It was a good day. Doing simple things tonight remind me that I do intend to create a strong work identity because I want to earn respect through my work. Like my father, I want my work to have an impact on the world and to be identified through my contribution.

aches

In a world where everyone, except my parents, is encouraging me to tackle the biggest challenge, I found another supporter of getting out of my super-stressful job: my body. I get massages as a way to check in every month, and today, my body was so bent out of shape.

The scariest part was that I didn’t even know that I was that stressed until I felt the tension nearly choking me. The weight of my stiff and tense back muscles crushed me as they refuse to give in to the therapy.

Unlike my romantic relationship which is improving by the week, work is getting worse because I can feel everyone else’s frustration. As much as I appreciate everyone confiding in me, I did not get my graduate degrees in therapy! So tonight, I browsed and e-mailed myself some job postings. It doesn't hurt to see what's out there...for the sake of my health!

leading man

Last night, two of my friends introduced me to salsa. What an experience! It was the first time that the instruction of “let the man lead” was repeated to me for the entire night. The only people more awkward than me trying to let the guy lead were the men who are not used to taking the lead.

At one point, a guy was asking me if his dance moves were right. It wasn’t quite right, but I didn’t know if I was the right person to correct him. After just one hour of following, I was quite comfortable in being the passive follower!

A very fun time though. Where else can I dance with all these strange men (and some of them were a bit odd)? I am still not quite sure if instructional dancing is for me, and I have to be more skilled to decide whether I enjoy having a dance partner (especially one that leads the whole time). Hum...

the journey inward

Talking to my supervisor yesterday, I remarked that my parents don't want me too work too hard. They are always telling me to relax. He replied that his mother is the opposite, always pushing him to do more.

As adults, why do we still let our parents tell us what to do?

Ever since I was a kid, I hated when people would tell me what to do. I was a rebellious child at 6 years old. I remember having shouting matches with my mother before I even started grade school.

Despite all the frustration, it was good training. Now, I figure out for myself exactly what I want and go after it. Sure, many of my goals are not the most popular, but they are what my gut tells me to be the right things.

It also makes it a lot easier to befriend people who are different. I am never quite sure of my goals until I get closer to that point, so I am very open to other people's lifestyles. This is how I end up with friends ranging from professor in Fullerton to business owner in Arizona to graduate student in New York. I need that diversity in my life to introduce me to my next passion.

The journey to my true self has been exhilerating although lonely at times. Maybe that's why I am so attracted to men who are good at keep their own company. To me, they are the most interesting people.

It's that balance of being with others and being by oneself. We need others for inspiration, but we also need a lot of time alone to cultivate ideas.

One noticeable difference since the new job is the lack of time to dream. Despite a good routine, I am finding it harder to change myself for the better. Living is a never-ending game, I must keep experimenting and carry out my destiny.

So the new mission is to always find that time for my inner self.

try this experiment

Intuition. It's a skill that you have to learn to be good at, but few of us are encouraged to trust our instincts.

Like learning a new sport, it takes a few falls. Once you learn the thrill of trusting yourself, there is no turning back.

When it comes to dating, I trust my gut completely. Sure, it's good to look at someone's education, profession, height, weight, car, etc., but a lot of those characteristics can change over time. They are more about a person's past rather than that person's soul.

If I am looking for my soul mate, why focus on the facts when my heart knows whether he is Mr. Right? Okay, so I am more about Mr. Right-Now than Mr. Life Partner at this moment, but it's also intutition that tells me when it is time to move on and prevents me from getting hurt.

Logic and thinking is great, but in the game of love/lust, they get in the way. Try this, next time someone catches your eye or make your heart skip a beat, just smile. That very act of acknowledging the person (even if just to yourself), will give you enough endorphin to last a couple of hours!

just like that

I've been having a lot of get-togethers, both dinners at my place and going out with friends. It's perfect timing because there were plenty of opportunity to vent - free therapy.

After the 30th time of describing what's bothering me about work, those issues don't seem so bad. The act of story telling is the process of gaining control of the situation. By repeatedly describing the story to different people, I gain separation and then the perspective I need to tackle the problem.

That's why it's so important to have people who can lend an ear. Now I finally understand why my parents have so many friends and taught me the value of friendship...

priorities

Once again, I am sitting on the floor, typing, b/c I didn't get around to hooking up the wireless hub.

Had yet another group dinner tonight. By the time I saw everyone out, cleaned up and the wine had set in, it's time to get ready for bed. Well, in this case, getting my second wind b/c I still have a couple of unresolved issues that keep my mind running.

Some people worry, but worrying is too inefficiency for me. I just wait for my intuition to instruction me on what's next. I firmly believe in the power of the subconscious. Everything always works out, but it does take patience for the answers to reveal themselves.

Two big question of the moment: 1. to switch job? and 2. how to improve the quasi-relationship I am in?

I can do it

Whatever happened to the woman from the WWII poster with her arm flexed?

I mentioned to my co-worker that I have yet to set up my wireless hub, and he suggested that I get some guy to come help me set it up.

Regardless of my technical saviness (I can read a manual if necessary!), the thought to ask for help on most things has never crossed my mind. It's 2006, a woman can do anything that the a man can do.

In fact, I think 90% of relatonship problems, especially marital ones, will go away if people are simply more competent. The solution to improving relationships is for both parties to be better at doing everything. If everyone handles stress well, stays healthy, has a balanced life, then most of the conflicts between people can be resolved by agreeing on the best solution.

If the top three relationship arguments are money, childrearing and religion, then science can surely solve most of the issues.

I definitely need to work on my time management skills before I can tackle a serious relationship again. After all, I am typing this sitting on the floor b/c my laptop is tied to DSL unit. Got to install that wireless hub tonight!

life rule #1: fear not

The best reason to fear nothing is because our worst fears are often realized. Fears are often realized to test us. Afraid that you will be single forever? Likely that your relationships do not last. Scared that you will not do well professionally? Probably means that you have many career setbacks.

After living as one big chicken, I just got tired of the same fear and doh moments. Instead, I just plunge into life with a big splash, just to try something different. The reason why I am so different from my early 20s is that I don't pay attention to my fears any more.

Try it, the liberation of focusing on the present is one major source of my energy.

I have a hunch that our secret thoughts are linked to the universe some how, so why make our fears come true? Why not just enjoy the moment and let fears be little ripples rather than giant waves?

that's what friends are for

In the recent struggle with work, I turned to my friends.

Each person, remembering their own struggles, gave sincere advice. The tremendous care and support pulled me out of my rut.

No, the problems at work have not gone away, but my attitude has changed. I now see that the trials of work and life will always challenge me, so it's up to me to accept my fate and solve every problem, with a little help from my friends.

Thanks everyone. :)

off center

Ouch. I got canker sores last week for the first time in my life. Canker sores are holes in the mouth, usually on the roof of the mouth, the side of the mouth, or under the tongue. They feel the same as if getting burned from drinking hot things. The most common cause is stress.

Is this is a sign that I have to get a new job? There are just too many issues at work, but I am still learning.

What to do?

Am trying to see the reason behind this experience. For one thing, I am seeing myself more clearly than ever. By pushing myself to the limit, I understand my limitations and my values.

I know now that I can never value work, money or status over health and spirituality. Like a bad relationship going sour, I take responsibilities for my situation and intend to make the necessary changes to be centered again.

three little words

Witnessed first-hand how three little words can communicate a powerful message today. I have many meetings each week, and often times, the meetings are between men who want to assert their power.

I don't always agree with the style or the message, but it is insightful to observe how people attempt to sell an idea or to sway people. Body language is important, and so is intent (don't let them see you sweat!). The key though, is in articulation.

I have a long way to go before becoming close to being artful in my speech. In some ways, this job is such a blessing in what to do and what NOT to do.

So, let these three words be used selective but often enough to buy some points:

You are right.

to wonder, not expect

One reason I love being single is the uncertainty of it all. I don’t know what I am going to do after work in a couple of weeks. I don’t know if I will stay at the same address five years from now. I don’t know if the person I am dating will be there in another month.

Uncertainty has been very healthy. I am forced to connect with people...Never know when I need some company!

Not knowing what's going to happen also resulted in a lot more investment in myself, especially in health and knowledge. No matter what happens, at least I can count on my mind and my body.

The lack of responsibilities has been so liberating. I can take more risks because the consequences don't affect other people. Yes, it is a lot of work to plan and to fill in all the time. Hopefully as work kicks into overdrive this year, life will be balaced once again.

Now, if I can only get rid of the uncertainty in getting dressed each morning...

everyone wants to be king/queen

I'll be quiet now.

The office sometimes complain about the General Manager, and some have even quit in part because they disagree with the GM.

It's not the GM though, it's really the Board. The Board hired and placed the GM there for the past year.

If these people, including myself, think we can do better, then we better demonstrate enough ability that we will rise to be GM ourselves. Better yet, we can run our own businesses and call the shots.

Hummm...

SF visitor guide

SF is divided into several neighborhoods, each with its own distinct population and destinations. My suggestion is to pick 3 to 4 neighborhoods and explore each on foot, checking out the stores, restaurants and attractions.

http://www.sfgate.com/traveler/guide/sf/neighborhoods/
http://www.dreamworld.org/sfguide/Neighborhoods/neighborhood.names.jpg

Some suggested itineraries:

Union Square/Downtown: shopping
Whether it’s the designer stores around Union Square (surrounded by the streets Geary, Stockton, Post and Powell) or the discounts along Market (Ross and Marshall’s), this is where the flag ship stores are at (Levi, Banana Republic).

If you want to stay indoor and shop, just go to the Nordstrom Mall at the corner of Fifth and Market.

Tips: Take the elevator in Macy’s to the top floor and go out to The Cheesecake Factory’s balcony for a view of the square

Eat at the basement of Macy’s: Wolfgang Puck and the Jamba Juice Honey Berry Bran.

SOMA: the arts

There are plenty of museums to visit. MOMA (Third b/t Mission and Howard), Asian Art (Larkin and McAllister - If you go to the Asian Art Museum, there is a hole-in-the-wall Middle Eastern place King Gyro for some healthy stuff 25 Grove), Yerba Buena (Mission b/t Third and Fourth), Exploratorium (Howard b/t Fourth and Fifth)

Some museums are free the first Tuesday of the month, but the best time to visit is Thursday night, when the museums open late and have fewer visitors

Tips: plenty of bars and clubs all around (Folsom b/t 9^th and 12^th is where most of them are located)…check out Wish (1539 Folsom)

Check out St. Regis and Four Seasons (lunch at Seasons), the two five-star hotel around the corner from each other (Third and Mission, Market b/t Third and Fourth)

Chinatown/North Beach: restaurants

Go to the corner of 3^rd and Market (south of Market). Take the 9AX, 9BX, 15, 30 or 45 and get off at the Broadway stop (either Stockton or Columbus). Being one of the densest neighborhoods in SF, the food here is cheap and yummy. Wear comfortable shoes because you will be browsing!

Tips: Walk up Pacific to Mason and look back – awesome view of Bay Bridge

Eat at Dol Ho (808 Pacific Ave)

Castro: What SF is really famous for

Catch any muni line toward West and get off at Church or Castro stations. If not in a hurry, take the F-line all the way down to Market and Castro. This is where all the queer gather, but you will find plenty of one-of-kind stores and very sophisticated eateries.

Tip: Eat at Sweet Inspirations. Ask if they have the mango-passion fruit mousse.

Automobile Tours (these are more places to view from car or bus):

• F-Line: catch the eastbound line along Market (there is a stop every block starting in the Castro) and take it along Embarcadero all the way to Fisherman’s Wharf (

• Powell Cable Car: Take this other way to Fisherman’s Wharf. $5 for a roller-coaster-like experience.

• 38-Geary to J-town: Gritty but a destination worth venturing out

• 2/3/4 to Fillmore: Yuppy-ville

• Golden Gate Park: our city park with its own lake, museums and specialty gardens

the unknown

My company is in the process of choosing a website designer. Guess who was lucky enough to solicit and interview the candidates?

When I signed up to be a Land Development Manager, I never knew that my job was going to be Run My Business 101.

It’s for the best. The seemingly random responsibilities have made me seriously consider starting my own business again. This morning, I even used the SBC online tutorial to teach myself how to FTP some edits into the existing website.

After three career changes in my 20s, I was starting to wonder if I will ever settle into something permanent. Then, it occurred to me that I was judging myself. If this is going to be my life, then I need to live it my way, which is serendipitous! So far, the attitude to just let life happens has been fun. I wonder what’s next?

the dark side

I was rude to my friend Sunday and all because I was impatient.

It’s been so long since I lost my patience with someone that it caught me completely by surprise. The worst part was the friend was a very nice person! This poor woman was trying to give me directions, and I just snapped at her.

Having cultivated very crammed schedule week after week, perhaps I was thrown off by the embarrassment of running behind. Still, this incident made me realize that I have to do something about the stress of work. This is only month 3, and who knows how many more to go?

The incident was upsetting b/c my dark side came out of no where. It was a good thing though because there is nothing quite like the loss of control that reminds me just how little control I really have or need to have over life.

no such a thing as a mistake

When you wish that you did something different, you are denying your own existence. You are the summation of all your past, and to be true to yourself, you must embrace all of you, past and present.

Any doubt about past decisions is really a test of how we see ourselves. Ultimate acceptance happens only with willingness to embrace ourselves.

Every day, I try my best to encourage others because I care about them for the truth of their choices. I love people percisely because they have made very different and often times difficult decisions. If I have not encountered all these fascinating and at times unbelievable people and their stories, I would not have learned nearly as much.

For every joy and every tear, there is the truth. Sometimes I can see the truth, but most times people hide it from me behind excuses and blames. It is easy for me to empathize because I also fall prey to shame. Yes, we learn to hide ourselves because we were hurt or were taught to criticize our experiences.

Enough. If the rest of the world is going to be critical, I choose to be enlightened. To be human is to celebrate each moment, especially the most humbling ones. There is good in every moment because the summation of those little moments makes up our precious lives.

say what?

Some of my co-workers and I eat in the lunch room around the same time. One particular co-worker greets me almost every other time with “You look tired.”

I am a morning person, so I try to cram as many meetings and assignments in before lunch every day. I am usually exhausted when I get to lunch, but do I have to be reminded of that every week?!

Is it cultural? This co-worker came to the US in the past year and perhaps has never heard of political correctness. I suppose it’s his way of making conversation, but what does one say to something like that?

worker bee

Logged in another 13-hour work day yesterday. It was satisfying to get so much done. Seriously, being single and having few responsibilities, I relish in being productive.

Perhaps working long hours is another rite of passage. To be a proud Bay Area professional, do we have to work yet longer?

I just know that work gives me a lot of satisfaction. It’s much better than some of the human relationships I have been in. At the same time, the most important aspect of work is the relationships w/other people.

*****

The issue of my inability to drill into assignments is still unresolved. I’ll just have to work smarter and find out.

doh!

Last night, at a city council meeting, my supervisor asked me to take notes. Of course, I jolt down everything. Then, in a rush to clear the room of all our presentation materials, the notes were left behind. The event surprised me, but it did happen after a 13-hour work day that went nonstop.

Of course, my supervisor was very disappointed, almost upset, when he couldn’t offer our architect a copy of my notes. This is just not the type of things one expects from a professional. I apologized and moved on. Sure, I probably could have been more careful, but I just was not.

Two years ago, I probably would have been stressed out by the missing notes, but now, I just accept it.

Being detail-oriented is my weak point in my professional career, and I am sure I will get there eventually. As always, I will try my best, and if that’s not good enough, so be it.

My work is very important to me, and I take it seriously. Still, I also believe in fate. Not fate as in I don’t have to do a damn thing to make things happen, but fate as in I accept the past in order to focus on the present to perform even better today.

the source of all the energy

It’s full circle, I finally found my way back to the simple joys of being a child. Zero expectations. Being completely open to new ideas and different perspectives is intuitive, but most of us bury our natural abilities under years of “experience”.

I was blindly following our popular culture’s belief that experience is meant to teach us something. Perhaps, but seldom can the past be a good indicator of the future because the variables constantly change.

The key is to have fun. By losing the burden of our years of living, we can connect with our true selves and find the answers within.

My vices are many, but they are all about simple joys. Dancing and anything that moves my body, making dinner for people I care about, communicating, appreciating everything and everyone, learning.

It’s different for everyone, but you’ll know what it is when you stop worrying. Worrying is the evil that destroys our spirit. It eats away our natural energy. People always ask me where I get all my energy? I hardly ever worry. Why worry when you can have fun? Just think about how you were as a kid. Or has it been so long since you acted silly?

So go out there, or stay in...just be yourself!

honeymoon is over

Complaining at work is a good way to vent, but too much of it becomes a burden.

I don’t have much to complain about because I have not been at my work long enough. Also, I believe in fate too much to want to say anything against the status quo. Still, it surprises me that there are a couple of people who only have to whine about management.

Today, in the middle of a crunch project, I listened unwillingly to some very angry venting. I miss having my own office with a door!

True, there are plenty of fundamental problems with my office, and that’s why the turnover is so high. I realized that the complainers are the people who don’t do much about their situation; they just whine. The doers move on.

This week, two managers resigned. They both felt that they could not change and could not handle the negatives here. It does make me wonder: will I make real changes, accept the status quo, or just move on?

the relationship of work

Working with ambitious colleagues is so much easier than all other interactions in life.

Everyone is eager to get things done and want to achieve to advance their careers. Most people communicate exactly what they want or expect. Even if the expectations are not met, at least there are instructions. If you are or deal with attorneys, then expect the endless paper trail for you to read at leisure.

Why can’t the rest of life be like that? Parents with too many expectations? If family relations were like professional ties, then get the demands to me in writing. Better yet, write me an e-mail, and I will try to respond within a day. No one would be upset about being transferred directly to VM.

Significant others who are not communicating? Here is my memo on what we need to discuss, complete with bullet points.

In the age of prenups and workaholics, maybe this is the way to go. Two key points:

• lower expectations
• clear communications

what we need

I don’t understand how my sister can give so much to other people. During my visit to her over the weekend, she did not do even one thing just for herself. From the time I landed, it was non-stop attention. She took a day off just for me, and I was fed gourmet food. No wonder everyone says that my brother-in-law is lucky. I need a wife like my sister too!

*****
Guess it’s personality. I just don’t have what it takes to give so much. That’s why friends are so important to me. It’s giving, but on my own terms. My life is so planned, so I don’t have to anticipate what everyone else needs. We are having dinner at a certain time or going to a museum on a particular day.

Besides, the limited time that I interact with people means that they are usually on their best behavior. I try not to make dinner plans with friends on Fridays; they are usually tired and grouchy from the work week.

*****
How else is a person going to do all the things that they want to do? My sister has piles of magazines that she is waiting to read. She has a basket of crafts projects started but not finished. Her life is always about other people.

*****
My life is about people too, but it’s just the best part of other people. I subscribe to the gas-mask theory. The instructions that flight attendants give you is to secure your own gas mask before helping others. I can only give to others as much as I give myself.

human, not peg

Why do we judge ourselves so unnecessarily? Every time we examine our choices and say should, we are putting expectations on ourselves.

*****
Everything is meant to be.

*****
The doubts and the questioning of our past is the worst thing we can do to nurture our souls.

Don’t try to live your life into a perfect path because each life is unique. I don’t want to fit into a square box of what a woman should be. I am just me, oddly-shaped and the genesis of all my proud experiences.

true self

Was just reading about how a French girl has that air of “je ne sais quoi”. It’s her absolute self-possession; the way she grows into her true self without caring about what others think of her.

I was not raised French although I see the value of growing from within oneself.

The perfect example of knowing what’s right for oneself is love and marriage. Knowing who and when to take the plunge in the game of love is very personal, yet there seems to be some social pressure to be married and to be married by a certain time.

I see a few great relationships being spoiled by social pressures. If only we all are a little bit more like the French girl…

independence

Who’s your emergency contact? The person whose info you put down on medical forms and applications?

I had to think about this one the other day. Being single, I don’t have an SO who can be reached in a short moment’s notice. My sister, the default for a long time, moved a few states away.

In that moment, it was a reminder that regardless of who my emergency contact is, I have myself always.

what I covet

I have been lucky not just because of the opportunities in my life, but also for the amazing female role models.

*****
The one woman who is everything I want to be is my Fifth Grandaunt. She is the wife of my mother’s uncle. As young as 5 or 6, I would see Fifth Grandaunt at family gatherings. She was already a grandmother, but to me, she was the perfect woman.

She is the definition of grace, beauty, kindness and most of all, wisdom.

Besides being a supportive wife and caring mother, Fifth Grandaunt was the one that others go for advice. She greets everyone by name and takes time to listen to every little story, even the day of a six-year-old. Even at such a young age, I could see the power of her knowledge and wanted, and still want, to be just like her.

*****
This past December, I saw Fifth Grandaunt at a wedding. She was in her late 80s and still doing well. She walked slower but still spoke to me with that same warmth and assurance as twenty-five years ago.

I cannot wait to grow older, to past 50, so I might realize the possibility of wisdom that defined my Fifth Grandaunt.